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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
nonicknameseemsavailable · 13/07/2016 12:28

slightly odd if neither are friends with the child but not remotely rude to only invite one, they are different children, different people, perhaps the child was told they could have 15 people and to pick the ones they liked, had 12 they really like and play with and picked another 3 who they would like to be friends with and one of your twins was chosen.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 13/07/2016 12:29

I think YABU because they are individuals. Another bug bear of mine is people dressing their twins up identically. They are individuals and should be treated as such, and also given the opportunity to dress differently, act differently, enjoy different activities. Fair enough if they enjoy dressing exactly the same but every set of identical twins I've ever come across get dressed EXACTLY the same. I think it must be damaging to the psyche to be treated as a unit and not an individual. I digress but yes I do think it's fair that the mum only invited one twin for this reason.

ciennaella · 13/07/2016 12:30

I have 13 year old twin girls who have always recieved party invitations as a pair,probably because they have always had the same friendship circle.I don't think I would have been offended had this not happened though.We had a party recently,where 2 friends from a neighbouring family were invited,but one of the friends told us that they wouldnt be allowed to come if their other sister and brother wern't invited,thus expecting us to invite all 4 kids!!I said no,and invited 1.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/07/2016 12:37

If there are limited spaces and the birthday boy was asked to pick 10 children, then the 10 children included one twin (the loud boisterous one they want to be friends with) do you think the should they increase the numbers to 11 or ditch someone else?

I don't think they are being rude, YABU. Your children may be twins but are also individuals.

iMogster · 13/07/2016 12:46

It sounds like the birthday boy invited the boisterous 'fun' one and not the quiet one.

That mum must have felt very put on the spot when you asked if it was a mistake, not asking his brother.

Have some lovely one-on-one time with the uninvited twin and make this a positive experience.

CordeliaFrost · 13/07/2016 12:54

I'm an identical twin.

At school, we had a core group of the same friends, but each of us also had some friends of our own. The latter was largely a result of us having different extra-curricular interests (her arts and netball, me computer club and hockey).

When one of my sister's friends had a birthday party, I was always invited along, because I suspect the parents always thought they couldn't invite one without the other. I was very much aware that I wasn't invited to these parties for being 'Cordelia', instead I was invited for being 'Cornelia's sister'. Having spoken to my sister about it, when we were both a bit older, she admitted she felt the same when she was invited to my individual friends' parties 'by default'.

In hindsight, we perhaps should have said something at the time, but I think we always went along with it so as not to seem ungrateful/rude.

One of my sister's friends from school (who used to always invite me to her parties, even though we barely muttered a word to each other at school), invited me to her wedding a couple of years ago. The last time I had seen her, was at my sister's wedding, five years prior to that. I thought that was taking the whole 'must invite the twins' thing a bit too far!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2016 13:03

I think, since neither of your twins are particular friends with the boy in question and they're both in his class that YANBU for being at the very least confused as to why only one would be invited.

YABU to expect both boys to be invited to everything together though, as that's not always going to happen, but I think you've accepted that.

Under the circs, I'd leave it up to the boys themselves (or at least the invited one) to decide on whether he wants to go or not.

Lickedthespoon · 13/07/2016 13:05

I agree with OP as it feels like twin #2 is being left out - I don't think it's a matter of them always having to do everything together but to me seems strange to leave one out

user1467101855 · 13/07/2016 13:09

So at what age will it not be rude to invite one of them and not the other? 12? 18? 47?

ReallyTired · 13/07/2016 13:12

"So at what age will it not be rude to invite one of them and not the other? 12? 18? 47?"

I suppose its an arguement for twins being in seperate classes. My grandparents had my mother and uncle in seperate schools. In the 1940s five year olds were allowed to walk to school so school pick up was not an issue.

MadameDePompom · 13/07/2016 13:13

I don't think it's strange at all. Unless twin #2 is the only kid in class who hasn't been invited, and I assume that isn't the case or OP would have mentioned it. I'm sure a 9 year old can understand that they're not always going to have the same circle of friends.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/07/2016 13:22

YANBU for being at the very least confused as to why only one would be invited.

it's not confusing at all, as the OP has said the twins are very different, one is loud and boisterous the other is quiet. The birthday boy has limited numbers and has invited a child he likes to his party, the fact this child has a twin doesn't mean he has to invite both.

Verbena37 · 13/07/2016 13:23

I think YABU.
Perhaps the invited twin has sat with the child or been in a group activity with him and he liked him and so asked if he could go.

They are two separate people and they would want their own personalities and independent lives surely?

When they're older, what are you going to do.....ask for them to be joined in everything then as well?
If they were non twin siblings but in the same school year, which is potentially possible, I'm sure you wouldn't have said anything.

WonderWomanwasmyheroine · 13/07/2016 13:30

Ten year old twins get invited to different things and when they have a party have separate invite lists that we then 'combine fairly'....it's like working at the UN but they are two separate souls that share a birthday not a matching set to go around two by two.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 13/07/2016 13:30

I'm amazed this hasn't happened before as your boys are 9.
I have twins and separate invites started at nursery!!

Yep, same with my twins.
Maybe the Birthday child likes one twin more than the other? You do know they are not the same person? Wink

Iwillorderthefood · 13/07/2016 13:31

My DD is friends with one triplet girl. They regularly get invited as a three, singularly amd two out of three. They are individuals.

itstimeforchange · 13/07/2016 13:32

As a mum of twins myself, I think it can be hard to see one invited to things but not the other. I'd say it's a good time to practice, though, both for you and them Smile

They will get used to it, and probably prefer having their own more individual activities. It also means that people don't feel obliged to always invite both, which would possibly mean fewer invites full stop!

I try to think of it as just ordinary siblings who happened to be in the same class. (You do sometimes get this, e.g. with combined year groups.) I would be a bit Hmm about it if only one got the invite, but then probably tell myself to stop being silly. I remember growing up that it was a thing we all had to get used to - not being able to do everything our siblings were doing (I'm one of 9, so there was a lot of that!).

user1467101855 · 13/07/2016 13:34

God yeah, triplets! Would it be rude not to invite all three of them? What about quads?
(This could get out of hand!)

Jasharps · 13/07/2016 13:35

I have twins, I don't think this is strange at all. They are two separate people with different relationships.

Feel a bit sorry for the mum you ambushed

6o6o842 · 13/07/2016 13:39

I'm an identical twin and I have identical twins. Yes, they are individuals, but I think it's really insensitive to invite one to a party and not the other. They are not normal siblings, twins are a unique situation. If it happened to us (never happened to my sister and I and has not yet happened to my 9 year old boys), I would turn down the invitation and do something fun with both my boys instead.

6o6o842 · 13/07/2016 13:42

And before you shout at me, this has come up in conversation with my boys before and they have independently expressed that if presented with this situation they would also turn down the invitation out of care for the feelings of their twin.

MadameDePompom · 13/07/2016 13:44

'I would turn down the invitation and do something fun with both my boys instead.'

Would you first ask them for their thoughts on the situation?

BastardGoDarkly · 13/07/2016 13:44

I don't think it's odd op.

The birthday boy may not be on your boys radar, but as you said your ds1 was boisterous and loud, maybe he finds him hilarious from afar, and wants to be friends? Your ds2 just hasn't had the same impact, absolutely fine.

MadameDePompom · 13/07/2016 13:44

Oh okay then.

MadameDePompom · 13/07/2016 13:46

'this has come up in conversation with my boys before and they have independently expressed that if presented with this situation they would also turn down the invitation out of care for the feelings of their twin.'

Do you think you've perhaps coached them in that sentiment? And at what age will it stop being being insensitive for only one twin to be invited to a social outing?

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