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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
squiggleirl · 12/07/2016 23:14

YABVU OP

I know you've said you realise you were being unreasonable, but I'm still boggling at the idea you thought it was rude of the other mother to not invite both twins, but perfectly acceptable for you to text and ask if the invitation was for only one child. Confused

Hippee · 12/07/2016 23:26

We have loads of twins in our school and many are split between classes, at the request of their parents. One of my DC invited two different twins in their class - and both turned up with their non-invited sibling (that my DC didn't really know). In fact one of the mums said "X is sulking because Y gets invited to parties on his own and he doesn't" - I was too gobsmacked to say "Well, actually, Y wasn't invited to this one."

NataliaOsipova · 12/07/2016 23:33

We have loads of twins in our school and many are split between classes

In that case, I think it's okay to ask one and not the other - if the commonest format is whole class is invited, then one isn't being excluded. With twins in the same class, especially at junior school, you are very, very obviously excluding the one who isn't invited.

LowAMH · 12/07/2016 23:55

Yanbu

I think it's really rude in the circumstances you've described. Not hard to understand why you're a bit Hmm about the invitation.

I'm an identical twin myself and think a lot of people have reacted quite strangely on this thread tbh!

Liz09 · 13/07/2016 02:25

Haven't read the whole thread, so this may have been answered:

Does the mother know you have twins? Her child may never have mentioned that your son is a twin. And if you only asked if his "brother" could come, then she's likely to assume you're asking about an older/younger brother, not a twin.

Just a thought. Two of my husband's best friends are identical twins, but his mother initially didn't know that they were twins when she invited one boy (the one who my husband was closest to originally) over to play, as my husband never told her that he had a twin. It was only when the twins' mother asked if the twin could come that she realised. Now they're best friends.

I do agree with the others that twins don't need to do everything together, but the flipside is that mother simply might not know.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 13/07/2016 09:10

I'm amazed this hasn't happened before as your boys are 9.
I have twins and separate invites started at nursery!!

tinytemper66 · 13/07/2016 09:14

Am an identical twin and YABU! I am my own person and always will be!

user1467101855 · 13/07/2016 09:18

But to invite one twin and not the other (where there are no particular bonds or friendships involved) is to exclude one in a very obvious fashion. It's why it's not on to invite all the class except one or two

Rubbish. Not including is not the same thing as excluding. If say 8 kids are invited out of a class of 30, the twin is no more being excluded than any of the other 21 children.
The only way you can make it so is if you are saying that twins count as one person, a set that can't be separated. And thats insulting to the twins.

toomuchtooold · 13/07/2016 09:24

I am really a bit Shock at the people making conjoined twins jokes upthread. Jesus, have a bit of taste, will you?

This thread's gone really funny - feels like everyone's really jumped on the twin thing. I've seen tons of threads on here where someone gets a kicking for inviting some but all not all of the school class for a birthday party. Sometimes numbers are limited and you hope the uninvited kids don't feel left out - neither of the boys here sound like they're in this kids circle of close friends, so why wouldn't you just invite either both or neither?

AmysTiara · 13/07/2016 09:38

I'm a twin and I don't see any problem with this at all. I am my own person and it's nice to have some time with friends without my twin being there.

ReallyTired · 13/07/2016 09:41

I once was invited a twin and not the other twin because the children were in different reception classes and I didn't know the child was a twin. I offered to invite the other child when I found out about the other twin, but the other twin declined the invitation.

However I think the mother has a empathy bypass to knowingly invite one twin and not the other in the op situation.

Dawndonnaagain · 13/07/2016 10:24

YABU!
As the mother of twins, I too am surprised it didn't happen earlier. Are they not allowed out separately? Honestly, let them live separate lives. I don't even call mine 'the twins'. They are my daughters, I have two of them, one is even older than the other, albeit by only two minutes. She is however, a completely separate identity to her younger sibling.

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 13/07/2016 11:33

In high school, I was friends with twins whose mum pushed the whole " they are one, you include them in everything as a package"
And they hated it! Oh twin 1 for an invite but twin 2 didn't? Twin one can't go. Twin 2 your friend bought you a present and card but not twin 1? Not allowed the present or card. Insisted on matching clothes (even in high school for outside of school) , insisted on joint school photos. Through their mum being like this they struggled maintaining friendships. By the time they had their own freedom they altered their Appearance so much you can't even tell their twins now. My point is these twins hated the fact they weren't allowed their own identity they hated the fact they was seen as a package.
Your twins are just like normal siblings, see it this way. One being 9 one being 8, would you see your bum if the 9 year old got an invite but the 8 year old didn't? Let them be individuals, let them grow seperatley. They'll always be close they have that extra special bond. But honestly don't stop them going parties and being individuals because soon they'll get no party invites.

StarryIllusion · 13/07/2016 11:45

Calm down ffs. There was nothing wrong with asking if it was just for one twin. Op wasn't sure and if I were the party mum I wouldn't find it rude in the slightest. I don't think anyone here has been rude except everyone giving her a pasting over asking a question. Op of I were you in this sort of situation just ask yourself would I find this rude/odd if they were boy/girl fraternal twins? If the answer is yes then yanbu.

user1467101855 · 13/07/2016 11:47

Any evidence that people aren't calm? Hmm

She didn't just ask, she complained that it was rude and unfair and said she wouldn't allow one twin to go to a party the other wasn't invited to.
Didn't you actually read it?

NataliaOsipova · 13/07/2016 11:50

Not including is not the same thing as excluding

I agree as a general rule. But with twins - and young ones at that - I think it is exclusion because the one who isn't going is going to hear every detail of the event that has taken place with his brother and other members of his own class. That wouldn't be the case for any another not-included child. I think it's pretty rotten to do that to a 9 year old, to be honest.

BackforGood · 13/07/2016 11:54

Natalia

You could turn that on it's head, and say that, where someone has space to invite one friend to something (or one space left at a party type event), then, by saying you can't invite one twin and not the other you - as parent - would be creating the exclusion. It may well be on many an occasion that a friend could invite TwinA, but then doesn't as they haven't got space for two, and they've heard the parent if funny about them being split, so Twin A doesn't then get invited to something they otherwise might have been. Obvs - the next occasions it might be Twin B that gets asked somewhere and then crossed off the list as other parents know they are only allowed to go out 'as a pair'.

user1467101855 · 13/07/2016 11:55

I don't think 9 is young in that context, at all. If they were 4 you might have more of a point, but 9? Nope.

NataliaOsipova · 13/07/2016 12:00

Back I do take your point. That said, there aren't that many things with young children that are like that - and a swimming party isn't one of them. I just think it's odd to exclude a twin from the same class in this particular scenario.

Lnfb85 · 13/07/2016 12:04

They are separate people and deserve to be treated as such. However if one isn't particularly close to them then invite both or neither.

If they were in separate classes it wouldn't be an issue. In the same class though is tricky. Perhaps the mum asked their child who they would like to come and they were limited to numbers and that child chose one twin and not the other.

It's nice in a way that they are thought of as individuals, but also slightly awkward.

BearFeet · 13/07/2016 12:13

How can the mum be rude? Who do you want to invite to your party? Bob. What about Fred? No not Fred, just Bob. Ok.

SJL2311 · 13/07/2016 12:14

Oops I'm afraid we've only invited one twin before. Albeit they are in two different classes and the one invited was in the same class as my child. I think it is good and positive - they are two separate people and that is what others see.

Two of my oldest and best friends are identical twins and we grew up together in the 70s. They went through most of school in the same class, dressed identically to the point that no one could tell them apart. I don't think they have every recovered to this day.

TFIBedtime · 13/07/2016 12:18

I'm a mum of twins. I think it's very normal and healthy to treat them as individuals.

I think it's great when only one is invited to a party, especially as they are in the same class at school. They have a chance to spend some time on their own and have some individual attention.

The other mum is treating them as individuals with different personalities. It seems you are treating them as a package.

BitterHag · 13/07/2016 12:20

Maybe she only had a set number of spaces?
Would you bring one present or two... because you'd be bringing two children and party mum would be paying for two spaces... I think the child can invite who they want and you can decide not to go... like its already been said, unless they're conjoined shes not being unreasonable.

trulybadlydeeply · 13/07/2016 12:25

As a Mum of twins myself, I don't find it odd/ rude. I think it's nice that, for whatever reason, the party boy sees one twin as someone he would like to invite to his party, and I also really welcome these opportunities to go and do something nice with the other twin, as I find the 1:1 time is rare!

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