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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 12/07/2016 18:36

A bit Shock that you texted and asked whether your other DS was invited! Wow.

But I think it's all good and you're doing the right thing sending invited twin. You'll have a nice time with uninvited twin so everyone wins (unless the party is rubbish...)

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/07/2016 18:38

I have twins. I wouldn't expect both of them to be invited to a party. I'd expect the particular friend to invite the twin they were friends with.

Hasn't happened yet as they've been in the same class but come juniors when they split I expect it to happen a lot.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2016 18:40

IT is odd if the invited twin said he doesent know him very well, I could understand if he was friends with him and not tge other twin.

WordGetsAround · 12/07/2016 18:41

YABVU. I think you should be grateful that other people are treating your children as individuals.

staghunter · 12/07/2016 18:47

I honestly can't imagine only one being invited ever. Their classmates treat them as a pair , and yes they are also individuals and have separate interests yada yada.

Op, i don't think yabu at all. In yr 1 , only 1 was invited to a party by a child neither was friends with. I turned down the invite. (Tbh i think she meant to invite someone else )

Roomba · 12/07/2016 18:48

YABU.

And at age 9, your son will understand this. They are separate people and will have separate friends, hobbies and lives increasingly as they grow older and this should be encouraged. Your son shouldn't be getting upset or having a toddler tantrum over this - if he were 3 or 4 I can see why he would, but this is being a bit silly tbh.

Is the party mum required to invite the other kids' siblings or be considered rude? They may well have had joint invitations to most things too, when younger. You have to draw a line somewhere.

user1467101855 · 12/07/2016 19:10

I honestly can't imagine only one being invited ever. Their classmates treat them as a pair

Startling lack of imagination there.

user1467101855 · 12/07/2016 19:13

OP, she's rude, its rude, we're all rude...you're one of those people!

purplefox · 12/07/2016 19:14

YABVU

I accidentally invited one twin to my DS party, neither of us realised his sister was a twin until I got their irate mother complaining that they wouldn't be coming to the party because we'd only invited one of them.

NataliaOsipova · 12/07/2016 19:16

I don't see why the OP is getting such a pasting. I'd feel the same way if I had twins in the same class. Funnily enough, I was on the reverse of a similar situation - one of my DCs was sharing a party at soft play after school. The other mum was doing the invitations and invited the whole class (two class year group). We then felt a bit awful to receive an email from one mum who had twins - one in each class - to ask if she could pay for the other one to come as grandparents were looking after them and that was the only way it was manageable. We felt a bit bad not to have twigged this and thought to ask the other twin.

Other siblings are completely different. Why? Because the non invited twin in the same class is having his nose rubbed in it that he is not invited. Another sibling wouldn't know all the other kids involved or might not want to go if it were an age inappropriate party/activity. Possibly different if they have very different friendship groups and there's a small number going, but it doesn't sound like it in this case.

BugsyStar30 · 12/07/2016 19:21

I've got twins and it's very rare for them both to be invited to the same party. They have very different personalities and therefore have a completely different set of friends. They are individuals and need to be treated as such.

staghunter · 12/07/2016 19:28

The individuals thing is a red herring. Op has repeatedly said they are individuals, it is not the point.

If one child in a close knit group (could be a class) is excluded you are entitled to question why . In this instance maybe for eg 22 out of 23 kids invited but party parent doesn't invite one twin. Not reasonable.

scoobydooagain · 12/07/2016 19:34

I have invited one of identical twins to my ds party, it was a cinema thing so numbers limited, I would do it again. Just enjoy spending some time together with the one who is not going.

Coulddowithanap · 12/07/2016 19:35

My daughter has also only asked one twin to a party before. I had no idea she was a twin and felt terrible when I found out (party was at a soft play and their mum paid for the other twin to play whilst the other was at the party) their parents never asked why we only invited one without the other.

MollyTwo · 12/07/2016 19:46

My siblings are twins and they hated always having to be expected to do everything together. Op your kids are individuals and should be treated as such .maybe the child knows one of your DC a bit better than the other?

Mudmagnetoftheworld · 12/07/2016 19:56

I have done the same when my Ds had a party once.
The twin boys were very different, one was an obnoxious brat and the other a sweet quiet boy, always in the shadow of his brother.
The Mum reacted the same as you did and asked if obnoxious twin could also come Shock I said no, as we had limited numbers and Ds really didn't like the obnoxious one!

Not saying this is the case with your twins, but it is a good opportunity for some one to one time.

BackforGood · 12/07/2016 19:58

Glad you've agreed YABU.
IME, most parents of twins (or triplets) positively encourage other parents to invite one and not the other - give each child chance to stretch their wings a bit as individuals and not be just one half of a set".

I don't see people being rude though Hmm

CurlyMango · 12/07/2016 20:05

They are two people and so only the invited would get to go. Do you always invite all of the siblings of the child you are inviting?

HappyAsASandboy · 12/07/2016 20:10

I don't see the problem. Your twins are two different people who will have different friends and take two places at a party.

I have 5 year old twins and have had a few parties where only one was invited. I took the invited twin to the party and DH took the uninvited twin on an afternoon out. No bother to any one and the children just accepted that they'd be doing different things.

When we had a joint party for our twins, each twin invited their own class specifically because I didn't want any expectation that people should bring two presents or feel the need to invite both twins to their party. I basically try to forget they are twins and treat them as two siblings Hmm

RainbowDashian · 12/07/2016 20:22

I'm a twin. Yabu. It's not really any different to siblings who aren't the same age. Perfectly normal for one to be invited to a party and the other not, just as it is for any siblings.

RubbleBubble00 · 12/07/2016 21:24

Since they have very different personalities, perhaps the birthday person feels closer to one than he other

Itscurtainsforyou · 12/07/2016 22:24

YANBU OP. I'm currently having to explain to my son how he can't be invited to everyone's parties and it makes me sad when he says "but I thought xxx was my friend..." Sad

But if he had a twin brother who was invited while he wasn't (with no obvious difference in relationship with the birthday child between them ) I would find it more difficult to understand/explain.

My2favboys · 12/07/2016 22:29

I think it's odd tbh

marblestatue · 12/07/2016 22:54

If space or money are an issue, asking a few really good friends may mean only one twin is invited, if the twins aren't friends with the same people. But with pool parties, it's usually a flat fee, and not usually the case that numbers are very limited. So while it's up to them, in that situation I'd be a bit puzzled.

NataliaOsipova · 12/07/2016 23:03

It's not really any different to siblings who aren't the same age. Perfectly normal for one to be invited to a party and the other not, just as it is for any siblings.

This is where I disagree. I think it Is different because it is inclusion/exclusion within the same family AND within the same peer group. Of course kids have to learn that they aren't always included. Of course my younger DC won't be invited to a sibling's friend's party. They may not be invited to all the parties that take place in their particular class. But to invite one twin and not the other (where there are no particular bonds or friendships involved) is to exclude one in a very obvious fashion. It's why it's not on to invite all the class except one or two. Kids have to learn they won't always be the favourite invited to everything, but it's also only polite not to make it obvious. It can't be anything other than pretty bloody obvious to the town not invited to a party thrown by and for his classmates when his twin brother is going!

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