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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite 1 identical twin & not the other

216 replies

IceBoleyn · 12/07/2016 16:53

I have identical twin boys, 9 years old and at pick up today, a Mum I don't really know was handing out party invites to parents, she handed me one invite & I don't know why but I just assumed that it would be for both boys.

I got home and the invite was addressed to only one child, I thought perhaps it was an error and texted the number to ask if the invite was just for DS1 and the unexpected reply was yes. Confused

My DTs are in the same class and from their replies barely know the child, so I'm not even sure why one received an invite at all. The party is at a swimming pool with a float etc but their's no way that I'm letting one go & not the other. Am I the only one that finds it really odd and slightly rude that she'd only invite the one .

In my honest opinion DS2 would have been the clever choice Wink

OP posts:
Statelychangers · 13/07/2016 16:57

YABU - for phoning to ask if the invite was just for one DT. People can ask who they like to a party. I have DTs and the number of people who apologise to me for only inviting one of my dts to a party is really quite surprising. I like my kids to get used to them having different lives, different friends and different opportunities. They are very close, don't spend much time apart when at home except for parties - I feel it's good for them to be separated for a while.

AgentPineapple · 13/07/2016 16:59

Does she know there are two? If they're identical she maybe hasn't realised its twins?

LikeIGiveAFrock · 13/07/2016 17:34

I think your immediate reaction was slightly OTT

Classymummy02 · 13/07/2016 17:53

In my opinion that's wrong. Would be a different story if it was just brothers, different ages and different classes but twins in the same class should be invited together unless one hangs on with that guy and the other has a different group of friends. Personally if I was the twin uninvited I would have been very upset

Lindt70Percent · 13/07/2016 17:58

I think it's fine.

There were identical twins at my son's first school - one was well liked but the other was quite a bully. My son would have loved to have got to the know the 'nice' one more but the parents wouldn't allow them to do anything individually. They insisted they were in the same class at school and went to everything together.

It was strange because the mum would talk the talk about them being individuals and that everyone should be able to tell them apart, should know their names, send them individual Xmas and birthday cards and presents etc. However, she kept them together all the time and got them to send joint cards and presents etc.

They're now 15 and apparently still very much together with one boy overshadowed by the other.

meowli · 13/07/2016 18:25

DS1 can be very loud, boisterous etc and DS2 is very timid

I think this is at the root of it. I imagine from what you say, that ds1 gets himself noticed by the rest of the class. Maybe this appeals to the b'day child, even if your twins say they hardly know him/her. Other children will be drawn to your quieter twin.

You will probably notice this happens more and more frequently. As dc get older, parents tend to hand over responsibility for invitations to their children, as they become more discriminating about who they want at parties. Up until now, it's probably been largely parent-led, with a lot of input as to who should be invited for reasons of keeping parental friendships hunky-dory, politeness etc. Now it's up to the children, they will just invite who they like!

Mommabaker4 · 13/07/2016 18:28

I have twins. I go out of my way to treat them as individuals....two cakes for their birthday, i sent separate Christmas cards to their frends, ...they have their own friends round on separate occasions, i send in presents for their teachers from each of them....they don't play with each other at school and don't have the same circle of friends...so i would not be offended if one had and invite and the other didn't. You can't pick and choose when they are individuals. And it is life...they need to grow up as strong little people.

Lartma2 · 13/07/2016 20:43

I think it's part of learning and development for twins to be treated as individuals from time to time. My twins had this experience in nursery and I was quite happy as it showed they were confident in developing friendships outwith each other, and would never have asked/ expected for both to be invited. However once mum realised they were twins she promptly invited other twin. It then seemed unfair to stop them both from going. I don't think it's rude of the other mum to only invite one twin. I think it's perhaps hard for you and your twins to understand that they're not one unit at all times. It's very special to be a twin but it's not healthy to only be identified as ' the twins'

cumfyxtine · 13/07/2016 21:57

Am I the only one who thinks it's incredibly rude to phone someone up and ask for an invite for a child's sibling. Unless the entire class is going and only child excluded was your 2nd twin I would assume twin 1 was invited for a reason.

BarbarianMum · 13/07/2016 22:03
clippityclop · 13/07/2016 23:03

They are two separate people! Not a mum of twins myself but surely it's important to help them to be independent and confident to do things apart? My daughter was in a class with twins, when they first went to school we had parties for the whole class and of course they both came. When they go to to about eight, nine when friendship groups generally got smaller and the parties did too, she only invited one of the twins because they got along really well and had shared interests. The other twin had completely different interests and friends, still very pleasant but not, well, as close a friend as the other twin.

Twinchaos1 · 13/07/2016 23:14

As a mum of twins I do get a bit sad if I feel one of them is making a better job of making friends and getting more party invites than the other. But I try to help them both with their friendship groups and expect them to have separate lives. They are seven at present and I guess this will only get more noticeable with time.

NeverNic · 13/07/2016 23:36

I get why you would think that one invitation covered both before opening it, because I suspect they have to share invites, cards etc. quite often (Though I personally always give seperate invites, cards, thank you etc to twins - in part because I'm married to a twin and I always feel a little sorry when he talks about stuff like that when he was a kid). But YABU for questioning it when the invitation was clear. They are different people and the birthday child picked his own guests. If however the invited child doesn't want to go, then by all means decline. Don't decline purely because you think it's unfair though, because that becomes unfair on the first child (and a bit precious on your part)

MumOfTwo1978 · 14/07/2016 09:49

Understandably you want to protect the son that isn't invited. It isn't the same as being another child in the class that wasn't invited, as they live together. However I think if the invited son wants to attend then let him, and perhaps your husband can take uninvited son out earlier to do something different so he doesn't notice. That said, there are twins in my son's class and I would never dream of inviting one at that age and not the other as I would be conscious of leaving one out. Good luck!

Madmumness001 · 14/07/2016 09:54

It's not about them being twins. It's about them separating the siblings and making Them feel indifferent.
If you had a friend who had a daughter who was turning 6 and u Ur self had children 6 and 5 and that friend only invited one of Ur children. No reason why just because when u no all 3children play together Wud u guys not be a bit Confused.? Ultimately yes it's the party organisers choice. But it's very mean putting an unnecessary wedge between siblings

LagunaBubbles · 14/07/2016 10:11

I could see the point if the twin that wasn't invited was the only one out of the entire class but this doesn't sound like that. And now posters who disagree with you are "rude" OP Hmm

allthemoomins · 14/07/2016 10:16

Oh my god, so many unnecessary replies on here, it's not like the OP is saying they have to do everything together, just that in this particular set of circumstances it seemed a bit rude! The atmosphere on these boards is awful right now!

For what it's worth OP, if DS1 wants to go I'd let him and do something nice with DS2 Smile

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 14/07/2016 10:55

If they were in reception then yes, I would expect them both to be invited as it is generally the whole class get an invite sort of thing.

As they are older, then, no I don't see why they should go as a double act. My DTs (not identical, both boys, but that is a moot point) get separate invitations. One has even been invited singly (quell horreur !) by a twin mum. This is despite both sets of twins going to the same after school football club.

Lartma2 · 14/07/2016 11:53

😂😂 love this !

meowli · 14/07/2016 15:45

One has even been invited singly (quell horreur !) by a twin mum

Surely it would be the child/children deciding the invitees? If not, it should be!

betty05 · 14/07/2016 17:59

As a mother of twins I think it's great when mine get invited to parties etc as individuals and not automatically as a pair,they need their own friends.They need to learn to be confident on their own and not depend on the support of each other all the time, which I find happens a lot.

muddlingthro · 14/07/2016 18:03

maybe the boy in question likes one of your sons and not the other. Your sons are individuals. If you are really offended don't accept the invite but you are sending an odd message of fairness to your two boys who will from time to time have to differ.

OlennasWimple · 14/07/2016 18:06

Is this seriously the first time it's happened in nine years?

Shona52 · 14/07/2016 18:15

I would only be upset if the whole class had been invited and ds2 hadn't. Surly it is up to the mum and child who they want at the party. I'm not sure I would do it myself but have you ask why. There could be a resin unbeknown to you.

kazzieb10 · 14/07/2016 18:41

I have twins and you should let one go without the other. This is the age where they are developing separate interests and friends and its really important to treat them as individuals. Mine are now 15, go to different schools, and have different interests and friends. Unless you're planning they job share as adults treat them as individuals!