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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my DC's first day of reception for a work opportunity abroad?

220 replies

deliverdaniel · 11/07/2016 22:36

An opportunity has come up for me to give a presentation at a conference in another country. It is very prestigious and would be brilliant for my career prospects and it has given me a real confidence boost to be asked. It's the kind of opportunity that really doesn't come up often.
But it would mean being away on the day that my DD starts school for the first time (reception) and the two days after that (it's all or nothing- can't do part of it.) Her dad is amazing and would take her and do all the things that I would do if I was there. But if I'm honest I think she would be disappointed if I wasn't there too. What do people think? Would you do it, or stay home to be with her for this milestone in her life?

Please be kind! Thank you

OP posts:
2nds · 12/07/2016 18:44

So it's OK for me to book the entire first fortnight of my DD's school as a holiday for my whole family but it's not OK for me to hold her back two days, yes you make perfect sense.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 18:46

I wish I hadn't mentioned the holiday-I have some sympathy for families where the child is below the age of compulsory education taking advantage of cheaper prices and going away where they otherwise might not have been able to.

Your plan has absolutely no benefit for the child at all. It's selfishness on the mum's path when the dad could take her to school.

RedHelenB · 12/07/2016 18:49

I think you might regret not being there if I m honest.

2nds · 12/07/2016 18:50

Purple that's not what you said in your previous post. You had basically said that missing the first days of school because the family was on holiday is OK. But there's no difference in taking the child on holiday for a few days and keeping the child off for the same length of time, so you weren't making any sense a few posts back and now you are backtracking. I'm quite shocked that a teacher would suggest that being on holiday in term time was OK, which is what you said.

2nds · 12/07/2016 18:59

I'm of the impression that if missing the child's first day wasn't a big deal for the OP that she wouldn't have questioned the decision. This leads me to think that she might regret missing it, this is why I am suggesting speak to the teacher at least to see if they would agree to changing her first day. Friendships won't suffer because a child joined the class two days late, and whether we remember taking our kids to school for that one day is irrelevant as the OP might have a better recollection and so might her child and OP. What's the alternative, being at a conference and wanting to be walking the child into school for the big first day? Really? If you can get to do both do that.

2nds · 12/07/2016 19:01

Meant OH

BusStopBetty · 12/07/2016 19:08

If it make you feel any better I've just asked DC who took them to school on their first day. 'I don't know, I can't remember', was the answer. Clearly a special day.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 19:16

I am suggesting speak to the teacher at least to see if they would agree to changing her first day.

Good luck with that. How do you suggest the op words "I can't bear to miss my child's first day of school so I want to keep her home until I can be there"? The op will forever be known as "that parent".

Grapejuiceforgrownups · 12/07/2016 19:31

I would definitely go. She will have her daddy there, if you were delegating to a childminder I can see why you would give it consideration, but as she has a parent there if I was you I wouldn't think twice. Others have said you may look back and regret but if you skip work event and miss a promotion down the line you may regret that too!

serendippity · 12/07/2016 19:40

Go to the conference! I work full time, as does DH and as long as one of us are there for "biggies" First days of school/sports day/plays/concerts etc the kids are delighted and, honestly, they don't give two hoots which one of us it is and for some things that we are there at all Grin

I don't think keeping a child off school for two days so you can see your child on the first day is a good idea. At all.

SharonfromEON · 12/07/2016 19:54

I took my DS to his first day in reception..That day I found out one of my closest friends cancer had been classified terminal. I spent the whole day wanting to know how it had gone and feeling guilty that is wasn't a proper problem ..So first days are tough ones.. Your DD will not remember whether you are there or not. She will have her Dad. This sounds like a fantastic opportunity and so I would take it.

duchesse · 13/07/2016 09:51

I would also add that there are very distinct long-term advantages for your DD to see that it is possible to be a women who has children and works. I say this as the parent of older children -my oldest are all late teens/early 20s now.

dorisdog · 13/07/2016 16:06

So hard. I know that guilt. But I say go do your presentation. Because not only will she have her dad with her - an amazing opportunity for him, she'll grow up knowing that women get to go an do work abroad and men get to look after children. A fantastic lesson for her future :-)

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/07/2016 17:20

Duchesse, there definitely are advantages in children growing up seeing a mother who works. However, I think there would also be an advantage in having a mother who works but still, when it comes down to it, is prepared to make sacrifices for her children and put herself second sometimes. I don't think that chidren need to come first every minute of the day but, for important occasions, I think an effort should be made to be there. If this was an essential workday then I would of course say the child would just have to suck it up, but its an optional conference. There will probably be other conference opportunities, but the child isn't going to have a second first day.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/07/2016 17:36

go to the conference, your child has 2 parents and one will be there

its not that neither will be going

and no one gives a dad a hard time for not doing the first day as 9% are at work and its mum

your child honestly wont rem you/dad taking them in years to come

its good for children to see that their parents have to work sometimes

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/07/2016 17:36

99% lol

motherinferior · 13/07/2016 17:42

If you read the OP it's unlikely there would be other conferences. This one could do a lot for her career - and it is, as she says, a confidence boost. Her daughter has two parents!

AgentPineapple · 13/07/2016 17:42

I'll just throw this out there... Would we be having he same conversation if the dad had come on with this situation and said but it's ok, mum would be there...

If the answer is no we wouldn't (which I suspect it is) then this is a question of sexism is it not? A woman's place vs a mans place?

Craigie · 13/07/2016 17:50

Go to your work. Most men would never even think twice about prioritising their jobs.

motherinferior · 13/07/2016 17:58

Actually I've found myself saying on various occasions recently (with regard to Tim Peake, for instance) that I'd support a woman doing it so I'm going to support a man doing it.

I do not, either, think that female self-sacrifice is a particularly good quality to instil in one's daughters. You can have a career as long as you realise what really matters. All that 'nobody ever wished on their deathbed they'd spent more time at the office' bollocks.

fryingtoday · 13/07/2016 18:02

Personally I would not want to miss such an incredible milestone. I expect your child will not mind - but you may well in future years.

Familyof3or4 · 13/07/2016 18:03

I understand the dilemma, but I would go.

BrendaFurlong · 13/07/2016 18:04

I gave birth to DD2 on DD1's first day at school. I didn't go to school

On DD2's first day at school it was my first day in a new teaching job.

Neither has been scarred or traumatised.

motherinferior · 13/07/2016 18:25

Or you may find that your career has had a very good boost by going, and be highly relieved that you did go.

Lindsxxx · 13/07/2016 18:34

I'm a stay at home mum, and have always been a stay at home mum for exactly this reason - being there at these milestones.

That's said, if this is a career changing moment and daddy will be there anyway I absolutely think you should go. Daddy wouldn't think twice about doing the same thing if the same opportunity presented itself and I don't see that you should be any different. As other have said they can make a "thing" of it And if it's anything like my relationship with my children whereby I do all of these momentous things with them (sometimes with daddy but mostly without) then I bet daddy would jump at the chance to do something like this with her 😀 And it will be special to her too as something her and daddy can share!!