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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my DC's first day of reception for a work opportunity abroad?

220 replies

deliverdaniel · 11/07/2016 22:36

An opportunity has come up for me to give a presentation at a conference in another country. It is very prestigious and would be brilliant for my career prospects and it has given me a real confidence boost to be asked. It's the kind of opportunity that really doesn't come up often.
But it would mean being away on the day that my DD starts school for the first time (reception) and the two days after that (it's all or nothing- can't do part of it.) Her dad is amazing and would take her and do all the things that I would do if I was there. But if I'm honest I think she would be disappointed if I wasn't there too. What do people think? Would you do it, or stay home to be with her for this milestone in her life?

Please be kind! Thank you

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/07/2016 08:27

Pearly I'm not dismissing them, but I am absolutely not putting the same importance on them as cuddling. That's just goady batshit crazy guilt tripping.

Your child can feel loved if you miss a school sports day. Not so much if you never cuddle them.

Thingvellir · 12/07/2016 08:31

Absolutely you should go to the conference as your DH will be there for her. Its nice too that your DH will get this 'first' to himself as well.

You should explain to your DD that you are going to another country for work because there are 100s of people who want to hear you speak about your work - she will be very proud of you! You are a fine mother and a role model to your daughter - this is a great gift indeed and you do not need to feel guilt.

There will be loads of other at school opportunities that you will be there for that are more momorable (like me last week seeing DS in YR win his race at sportsday Smile )

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/07/2016 08:31

And I'm not missing the point. In the context of a normal loving family missing these types of occasions every now and again is inconsequential.

2cats2many · 12/07/2016 08:34

Go to the conference! My husband didn't come to our children's first drop offs at school because of work and I don't remember anyone judging him or trying to make him feeling guilty, but then why would they? He's a man and all that guilt is a mother's prerogative apparently.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 08:34

Your child can feel loved if you miss a school sports day. Not so much if you never cuddle them.

Absolutely this.

Pearly have you missed that the dad will be with the daughter? I don't know anyone where both parents took their child to to school on their first day. It just doesn't happen like that. It's depressingly sexist that there are still people insisting that women should be at every "event" or their children will feel unloved. Poor teachers' children (and those from two working parent families/single parents who can't take time off) who never get a parent at sports day-someone should ring the Nspcc for emotional neglect...

Camembertie · 12/07/2016 08:37

DH has to go to all the Party conferences for his job and has missed each of our 3 DCs first days leaving me to bloody tie myself up in work knots trying to manage solo parenting and work plus settling in half days and the kids have barely noticed.

If neither parent could do it then I may suggest differently but as DH can go it will be fine.

Only possible reason not to is if you would be feeling so wretched and awful it is just not worth it, but if you feel peace about the decision then do go

bakeoffcake · 12/07/2016 08:38

I would 100% do the conference. However! she may well remember this!

I couldn't take my DD to school for the first week due to the fact I'd broken my leg and couldn't fit in the car comfortably. Dd is 22 and she does remember that I wasnt there and reminds me about it! It's very tongue in cheek though "oh I was so deprived as a child, my mum couldn't even be bothered to take me to school on my first day" Hmm Grin

You're dd will be fine, do the conference and enjoy it!

coffeetasteslikeshit · 12/07/2016 08:44

Whether they can remember or not isn't he point, it's like footprints in the sand, these things leave an impression.
it's like saying don't bother to cuddle your babies, they won't remember it.

Ha ha ha ha. 1/10

BusStopBetty · 12/07/2016 08:45

Go! I didn't take dc on their first day. I very much doubt they even recall that.

You could always try and FaceTime or Skype that morning?

HandbagCrab · 12/07/2016 08:49

I won't be able to take ds on his first day in September and that's just to go to a normal day's work, not a conference! Dh is doing it as he has flexible working and I do not. I wasn't aware this made me a terrible mother who doesn't love her child. I go to what I can and I have to miss what I can't go to, same as everyone else who isn't a sahp or has flexible working hours.

I'd love the opportunity to speak at a conference, I've not had anything like that since I became a parent unfortunately. Go for it and have an amazing time!

trafalgargal · 12/07/2016 08:51

Most kids take their cue from the parent on first day of reception.
The parents who are tearful are the ones whose kids cry - the ones who are positive about it don't.

My son ran in without a backward glance - leaving me a bit open mouthed as he was quite shy and clingy - so I guess I did a good job selling it to him.

I watched subsequent reception years arrive and it was the same every year. I can see for SAHMs where the hole left by school is much bigger it might be more of an event but if a child has had nursery already it's not such a big jump.

Definitely go but make sure your OH takes lots of photos that morning.

ChooseTheLifeYouLove · 12/07/2016 08:52

Go to the conference. You furthering your carter is way more valuable to your DD in the long term than being there in her first day of school and she'll have another parent there. I don't even remember my first day of school if you don't make it out to be a disappointing thing to the child that you can't be there they won't think anything of it. Don't mollycoddle children too much.

frannysfeet · 12/07/2016 08:53

Go on your conference, in the big scheme of things her first day at school is not that big a deal.

I missed my daughter's first day as I had to work, daddy dropped her off and all was fine... until I got a phone call from the school at midday asking me to collect her as reception were having half days for the first couple of days! The shame - we'd both managed to miss that fact in the run-up to starting school. As long as you don't do that, I think you'll be fine.

Justaskingnottelling · 12/07/2016 09:11

Frannysfeet Grin

Beeziekn33ze · 12/07/2016 09:12

Too right, trafalgar gal. As a reception teacher I found that once the children were in school any first day tears were forgotten in about 20 minutes. The little boy who ripped his mother's dress in his efforts to stay with her was fine after 10 minutes. She wasn't, told me she'd cried to her mother 100 miles away on the phone all morning.
OP should go to her conference and ignore her friend who is making a big deal about her missing the important first day. It is as big a deal as the mother makes it, most children take it In their stride. If the mother makes a fuss of course the child picks up the vibe and becomes anxious.
Children are often, understandably, far more disappointed if no one comes to see them in a play. As I taught I couldn't (except when junior school events were after school time) but tried to made sure someone was there for mine.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 12/07/2016 09:20

pearlymum my first ever ODFOD and Biscuit

I grew my mum never came to my first day at school she was already teaching in the local high school I went with my best friend and her mum. Like wise she rarely came to my school plays certainly in the equilvent of reception up to year two because they were all during the day and guess what she was at school teaching. She definately never once came to sports days. I didn't have my dad either he lived in England. And the only thing he ever came to in high school he left early cos my step mum was more bothered about the fog than seeing me perform.

Do I know my mum loves me absol- bloody-Lutly I do. Did I ever really notice she wasn't there no, I was proud of the fact she was providing for me and my siblings. Did I get jealous of the kids that had parents there, no not really. My parents did the best for me.

Did they cuddle me when I was little I'm absolutely sure they did, so I remember it no! But who cares.

Peasandsweetcorn · 12/07/2016 09:27

The other thing to remember is that "first day of school" is a bit like first smile, first step etc. Before you have children, you think that there will be a significant moment when you go "ah, first smile" but you spend a good few days going "is that a smile or wind"; likewise first steps, did the inadvertent lunge when they happened to move their foot count as a first step or not.
As I said when I posted yesterday, it is my DC2 whose first day I will miss this September. As DC2, he is very familiar with the school & has been in the classroom umpteen times tagging along with me/DC1. However, he has also been there in his own right with nursery to settling visits, is off tomorrow with nursery tomorrow to see the Y6 production. On all of these occasions, he has been annoyed to go back to nursery as he considers he has started. He has worn his uniform a few times as his great grandmother only has weeks to live so we went to visit her with him in his uniform &, once we had been to see her (and most of the other people in her home!), he wanted to wear his uniform to show other family members on other occasions. For him, starting school (in his mind at least) won't be the end of one life & the starting of another so I don't want to make too much of a fuss & suggest it is. I certainly don't want to limit my career by it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/07/2016 09:41

given most working parents have exhausted all their holiday by the end of the summer holidays I expect it's far more common that you might think that one or both parebts aren't there.

as lovely as the front door picture is, without working there will be no front door to photograph them against.

you can't pass up opportunities like this one.

BikeRunSki · 12/07/2016 09:45

Totally agree with peas. It's the first of many days at school, and every single preschooler I've ever known had been more prepared for it than their mums! OP, there will be so many sports days, nativites, concerts, shows, swimming galas, parents assemblies etc that unless you can realistically make them all, then maybe your DC and you need to use this situation as precedent that you can't.i'm missing KS1 concert this pm. DS will wave at his dad in the crowd instead.

ladyformation · 12/07/2016 09:55

Going to add yet another voice to the many saying go to the conference and don't look back!

My gran took me to my first day of school (very, very faint memories of this) - no problem.
My parents came to various sports days etc but only when possible to fit these around work, which meant more often that not either one or neither of them was there - no problem.
We were in every after school club/breakfast club/childcare arrangement going - no problem.

As an adult I never feel like I was a neglected child. I do often feel profoundly grateful that I have two parents with fantastic careers that they are passionate about, and that I was shown an example of dedication and hard work by both of them which I hope I do justice to in my working life today.

(None of which is at all a dig at SAHP, just a view that OP's DD will look back with pride on her DM's career rather than with a feeling of neglect).

Hygellig · 12/07/2016 09:59

I would go to the conference. Her dad is going to be taking her, so it's not as though she won't have a parent there. If my son's school is anything to go by there will be no shortage of other assemblies and events that you will be invited to attend during the year.

It's quite likely that she won't remember her first day at school. I have no memory of my first day.

youtubeguff · 12/07/2016 10:00

Definitely go to your conference. Could maybe a Grandma go with daddy so she has two people there? Otherwise Daddy will do just fine, he can take lots of pictures.

feralcat19 · 12/07/2016 10:01

Go. A friend pulled the emotional blackmail of having prepared all the week's meal in advance so she could spend all the time after school with her DD. whereas my DD's first day consisted of her usual stressed Mummy trying to balance everything in life. 27 years later she doesn't remember her first day at school!!

Artistic · 12/07/2016 10:11

Go to your conference! The weekend before, do a uniform trial day & take lots of pictures. In the long run that will be remembered more as the 'start of school' than the actual walk to school. There are plenty more milestones some that you will attend & some you will miss. Don't guilt yourself into not going.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/07/2016 10:22

The only thing I remember about DS's first day at school was the interactive whiteboard. I had never seen one before and was totally fascinated by it, even took a photo of it Blush

I am sure DS doesn't remember it at all. He is coming up to leave Primary School and I will be that parent embarrassingly wailing at the Leavers' Assembly, I am sure DS would rather I was at a conference that day Grin