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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my DC's first day of reception for a work opportunity abroad?

220 replies

deliverdaniel · 11/07/2016 22:36

An opportunity has come up for me to give a presentation at a conference in another country. It is very prestigious and would be brilliant for my career prospects and it has given me a real confidence boost to be asked. It's the kind of opportunity that really doesn't come up often.
But it would mean being away on the day that my DD starts school for the first time (reception) and the two days after that (it's all or nothing- can't do part of it.) Her dad is amazing and would take her and do all the things that I would do if I was there. But if I'm honest I think she would be disappointed if I wasn't there too. What do people think? Would you do it, or stay home to be with her for this milestone in her life?

Please be kind! Thank you

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/07/2016 07:31

Yes, go!

I have an event I run every year at work that clashes with the start of term, so I miss every new school year. It's fine.

I imagine teachers miss out on their children's first days too.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 12/07/2016 07:32

If my dad had followed your advice Harsh, he wouldn't have had a career left. And nowadays I wouldn't either. Children need to grow up appreciating that sometimes work does come first. It pays the bills. We may not like it, but unfortunately that's life.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 12/07/2016 07:35

Mummy and Daddy both have careers, but that family comes first.

Yes let her know mummy and daddy have careers but mummy's doesn't actually matter because you know she's a lady so why should she ever achieve anything. While daddy can put the family first at the weekend the rest of the time it's down to mummy.

Surely it's better to show her that both mummy and daddy have equally important careers and from time to time that may mean working away etc. And that daddy also can take time off work to put the family first.

Actually something my godchildren mother says springs to mind. She was a SAHM until her divorce, she's got a 17 year old, 15 year old and 10 year old, and she said it they love it when I'm working their proud of me, especially the girls it gives them something to aspire too. Knowing women aren't expected to stay at home and miss career improving oppuntunity lies like this.

Yes family comes first so what wrong with dad doing a bit of the family stuff

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 12/07/2016 07:40

She's starting school not leaving for war.

Dad's just as able to dry tears and hug her, go and enjoy your conference.

I've got a 14 year old, just asked him about his first day and asked him who took him and he couldn't remember and was completely uninterested.
Just asked the five year old who is in reception the same and all he remembers is meeting the class chicken.

scaryteacher · 12/07/2016 07:41

I think my dh was at sea on ds's first day at school, and no-one batted an eye lid. I dropped him off on my way to work, but as he was moving into reception from where he had been at nursery, nothing was different except he was in uniform as opposed to home clothes.

Your dh will be there - go to the conference. Ds is 20 and can't remember his first day in reception, and has just looked at me blankly when I asked him if it mattered who took him!

WidowWadman · 12/07/2016 07:42

I missed both my kids' first day at reception. Apparently they almost forgot to say goodbye to their dad when running in, so I don't think it was a big deal. Go to your conference.

Bottomchops · 12/07/2016 07:42

I can absolutely remember my mum taking me to my classroom on my first day; but if it had been my dad taking me then that would have been my memory! There will be childminders and grandparents dropping off, and that's probably just for parents doing their day job down the road. You should seize your great opportunity! Obviously you're going to feel a bit sad, but just Skype and tell her you're so excited to see her classroom when you get back.

pearlylum · 12/07/2016 07:48

I can remember my first day at school as do my own children ( they are teenagers)
When they started school almost all the kids had both parents there.
Whether they can remember or not isn't he point, it's like footprints in the sand, these things leave an impression.
it's like saying don't bother to cuddle your babies, they won't remember it.

Oblomov16 · 12/07/2016 07:53

Go.
Big group of us parents were talking about this the other day.
I remember my ds1's. many of the mum's remember. Some of them remember both children's. Clearly it's a bigger thing for the mums than it is the children themselves. Can't even remember my ds2's.
None of our dc2's can even remember it themselves. None of any of the children in the group (aged 13-6) ever mention it. Ever.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/07/2016 07:55

it's like saying don't bother to cuddle your babies, they won't remember it

No, it's nothing like that ConfusedHmm way to go with the mummy guilt. Missing a socially constructed "occasion" is not comparable with one of the basic tenets of nuturing a baby. I'd tell you to fuck off but I'm too polite.

Oblomov16 · 12/07/2016 07:55

Get dad to take a picture of her in her school uniform, at home. This is very important.
And then get dad to Skype you. Very important.
Dad takes her.
Job done. Jobs a good'un.

Justaskingnottelling · 12/07/2016 08:00

I missed my son's first day at secondary school for something I wanted to with my elder son (which for vairous reasons was more important - can't explain as it will out me). His dad got him ready, I was sent all the photos by the time he'd arrived at school and we had a long Skype chat when he got home. Technology makes these things so much easier. You sound like a lovely, caring mum with a supportive dh. Lucky dc, that's all that they need.

Enjoy the conference and congratulations. It sounds like a big deal. Star

pearlylum · 12/07/2016 08:03

unexpected- this event may be "socially constructed" but that doesn't mean its' unimportant.
We are social animals and lots of life markers are social constructs.

Watching your kids at a sports day, performing in a school play, having a birthday party, dancing at a show, indeed graduation, marriage- are you dismissing these things as unimportant because they are social constructs?

danTDM · 12/07/2016 08:04

I just asked DD 8 if she remembers her first day at school.
'no, not much mama, sorry' was the reply.
Good because we took her and a week later had to change her to another school as the first was so bad. She remains blissfully unaware.

OP, as many others have said too big a deal can be made and I think it is more for you not her, the first day aspect, definitely go to the conference! Well done!

smellyboot · 12/07/2016 08:06

Go. Tons of parents have to miss 1st day - teachers included. They can't all take a day off to drop their own children. It's a nice thing to do if you can, but that's it. Anyone who works shifts that can not be changed may miss it.
It's been made into a huge deal when it doesn't have to be. I also think that making it into a huge thing makes the DC more nervous.
Daddy is perfectly capable of doing this one. I can't really recall my DD first day. I have my DSs coming up and haven't given it a second thought. I dropped him off on transition day and he pretty much ignored me!

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 12/07/2016 08:09

Not going to your DCs first day of school is the equivalent of not cuddling them when they are babies??? What an utter load of goady bullshit.

danTDM · 12/07/2016 08:09

unexpected makes a very good point, all teachers must miss their dc's first day!

BikeRunSki · 12/07/2016 08:10

I had exactly this dilemma about 18 months ago. I had a massive surge of relief when I realised that the conference was a year earlier than I thought (quickly dissipated by the panic of having to submit the paper earlier than I'd thought). But in those few days, I'd decided that I would go to the conference and DH would just have to man up, maybe my mum could come and stay. The first day at primary school is a huge anticlimax. Massive build up, then all over 3 hours later.

Last year I went to a v specialist conference abroad during October half term. Everyone coped without me, and I now have a level of recognition in a v niche field in a huge organisation (10K employees) which would otherwise be impossible at my grade.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/07/2016 08:15

Pearly I'm not dismissing them, but I am absolutely not putting the same importance on them as cuddling. That's just goady batshit crazy guilt tripping.

Your child can feel loved if you miss a school sports day. Not so much if you never cuddle them.

TheWindInThePillows · 12/07/2016 08:15

If a child has never been to nursery or pre-school, then the first day of school used to be a huge deal, it was the first day you went up to the school, perhaps in a uniform, it was a really significant moment.

I struggle to see it quite the same way if a child has been to pre-school, like mine, and worn a uniform. Yes, it's a big deal as in starting anything new is a big deal, but really, if they have been to nursery/pre-school, it's just a continuation.

Your dd will have one parent there to ease the transition, so I'd go with that!

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 12/07/2016 08:17

Exactly BikeRunSki, "massive build-up" - done by us, the parents. Not the children. They don't see it as a big deal unless we ourselves turn it into a big deal. If we make a fuss, they begin to view it as something to make a fuss about.

pearlylum · 12/07/2016 08:18

hunting and unexpected you are missing the point.

Some posters suggest that it doesn't matter whether a parent goes along or not because the child may not remember that.
I gave an extreme example to make the point that parental acts don't have to be remembered to make an impression.

Sallystyle · 12/07/2016 08:22

Go.

First day of school was not a huge deal for any of mine. I can't even remember it.

They have their dad there. Would people suggest a man shouldn't go to a conference which is a one off opportunity because his child is starting school? I doubt very much they would.

Your child won't be scarred by this, it won't make her feel like she isn't important or any of that bullshit, it really is a nonissue.

Sallystyle · 12/07/2016 08:24

What impression would it make if she goes away Pearly?

That she has a capable father who will be there to support her if she needs it and mum is going for a once in a lifetime opportunity that may benefit the family for a long time to come.

Not a bad impression is it?

Cathaka15 · 12/07/2016 08:25

If dad is taking her then she will be fine. As long as one of you is there. You can do something fun together when you get back. Go to the conference. Don't be so hard on yourself. Or Skype.