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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my DC's first day of reception for a work opportunity abroad?

220 replies

deliverdaniel · 11/07/2016 22:36

An opportunity has come up for me to give a presentation at a conference in another country. It is very prestigious and would be brilliant for my career prospects and it has given me a real confidence boost to be asked. It's the kind of opportunity that really doesn't come up often.
But it would mean being away on the day that my DD starts school for the first time (reception) and the two days after that (it's all or nothing- can't do part of it.) Her dad is amazing and would take her and do all the things that I would do if I was there. But if I'm honest I think she would be disappointed if I wasn't there too. What do people think? Would you do it, or stay home to be with her for this milestone in her life?

Please be kind! Thank you

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 11/07/2016 23:07

My DS is only in year 4 and I can't remember his first day at school.

Go to the conference - your career will thank you, meaning your DD will too one day! Your DD will have her lovely dad there. Just prep her beforehand so that she doesn't get the chance to be disappointed. Mummy has to go to work usually does the trick in our house

inlovewithhubby · 11/07/2016 23:07

Not read other replies but if you were a dad no one would bat an eyelid. You said yourself your partner is brilliant. He will support your daughter through her reception start just as well as you could. I wouldn't give it another thought, go for it, and don't feel guilty.

My hubby was nowhere to be seen when my elder daughter first started reception. No idea where he will be come September when my youngest starts. Doesn't mean he's any less interested or that she is worse off - this sort of thing really doesn't need two parents if one has something really important to do which will benefit the whole family in the long run.

SirNiallDementia · 11/07/2016 23:12

I would go to the conference, it sounds like a great opportunity.

I can't even remember my 10 year old's first day at school and neither can he! As long as 1 parent or carer is around to help with the transition, your daughter will be fine.

Also, I rarely see any Dads on the 1st day at school so if you were a man this would not even be an issue!

I have another DS starting reception this year and am getting heartily sick of all the preciousness around starting school, it seems so much worse since DS1 started!

converseandjeans · 11/07/2016 23:15

Agree with everyone else - I had to miss my daughter's first proper day due to work but managed to take her for the meet the teacher the previous week. We are both teachers & I took the morning off for this and husband took an hour off for dropping her on her first day.
There are many more milestones & there will always be something to feel guilty about missing (nativity, sports day, praise assemblies). Teachers get lots of holidays but it's hard to make things term time.
Sounds like her Dad will do a fab job :)

ChrissieS79 · 11/07/2016 23:16

Do the work conference 100%

MilnersGold · 11/07/2016 23:18

I had a similar dilemma. Worried about it for months. DD's grommet Op came up for her 1st day at school so we missed a full week, Did it make any difference. No.

Now my DD is close to finishing primary school, much better you are around for Y6 leaving than YR starting. When they are 10/11 they REALLY notice if you aren't there.

hotdiggedy · 11/07/2016 23:18

Please go to your conference. Her Dad will be there, she only needs one parent with her, honest! There will be plenty of other events to attend in her school career. The only thing I really remember about one of my children's first days at school was not knowing which door to enter from and then going through the wrong one! I doubt my children would have any memory of it at all.

HemanOrSheRa · 11/07/2016 23:18

I am in kind of the same situation. My lovely but dafty sister has booked her wedding for the first full week of September, in Italy. DS starts secondary school this Sept and I was under the impression that the new year 7's go in for a day before the rest so I could send him off for his 'first day'. After open evening last week it appears not. Their first day is the 5th when I should be flying out to Italy.

I've been tying myself up in knots about this but actually, why should I? DP didn't take a day off to send DS to school on his first day in reception Confused. DS may be a bit upset at the thought but I'm sure on the day he won't care.

Somerville · 11/07/2016 23:21

I remember my oldest child's first day in Reception as I humiliated myself by crying but not my younger children's. Blush

Go.
Do your presentation.
Be amazing.
Feel proud of yourself.

duchesse · 11/07/2016 23:23

There will be a lot (A LOT) of days at school. If her dad will be there then that's all she needs- go to your conference and well done on advancing your career whilst rearing young children!

IME people who say "I wouldn't miss x/y/z" are often deficient in anything useful to contribute to the conversation. Your DD only needs one of her main carers to deposit her at school and collect her at the end. And as others have said, she's not going to remember who was there on day 1.

wigglesrock · 11/07/2016 23:23

Honestly, I'd go to the conference without a second thought. I've 3 kids - the oldest has just left primary school, the youngest has just finished her first year - I don't remember their first day at primary, my 5 year old has never once referenced her first few days at school and she's a talker Wink. Her dad will be with her, lots of people can't be there for first days at school, nativity plays, sports days, assemblies and the like. You're not proposing handing her the bus fare and telling her to get on with it.

Bowlersx5 · 11/07/2016 23:23

I think that often mothers feel the expectation that it is our role to do more of the child related roles than the dads. My work hours begin earlier than my husband's and he routinely takes my older two children to school. Dc3 starts in September and he'd be quite offended if I took time off work to go when he is perfectly capable and will take them to school most of the time. Do not feel guilty at all to take a step back when the Dad is happy and able to take on these roles. Let him relish in his special Daddy moment, so many Dad's get too few of these chances.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 11/07/2016 23:24

I agree, only one parent need be there. Don't feel guilty! TBH me and my OH are hardly ever both at anything for school, we take it in turns to have one attend whatever it is, and the other to be looking after the other DC or being at work (depending on how things have worked out). I think that's fine, our DC appear to as well!

Also - I can't remember my first day at school. I expect my Mum brought me, but I have no idea. I don't know what I did that day. I think we can attach a bit too much emotional weight to these things (understandably, but no point making ourselves miserable about it).

TopiaryBun · 11/07/2016 23:27

My son is starting school in September and I wouldn't think twice.

Sidge · 11/07/2016 23:28

My DD1 is in sixth form. She can't remember her first year of school, let alone who took her on her first day.

Go to your conference.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 11/07/2016 23:40

I can remember a few seconds of my kids' first days at school. They can't remember anything of them. Your memory of the conference, and its effect on your career will be long lasting.
Do go to your conference, just ensure dh takes a snap of her in her school uniform in the morning.

Obeliskherder · 11/07/2016 23:42

I agree with the others, but I'd add that it makes a diference how you build it up. It's a big day in her life but she will only have an expectation of it being a 2 parent thing if you give her that expectation. Mind your conversations with adults on this - little ears waggle!

herethereandeverywhere · 11/07/2016 23:47

Go to the conference. Daddy gets to do '1st day' but she'll also have a '1st day mummy drops me off' - it would still be special to me.

Also mine started on silly half days/no lunch/home after lunch slow build up - if that's the case for your DD there'll also be the '1st full day' to do too.

You can treat her for doing so well when you get back. Photos and Skype/facetime will fill in the gaps too. I wouldn't look back (though I spent mothers day this year on a girls holiday whilst most mums were lavished with home-made cards and kiddie cuddles, perhaps I'm not the best role model...)

Enkopkaffetak · 11/07/2016 23:52

I have 4 children my oldest is 18 I can remember all 4's first day at school.

I would still go to the conference though if it was me.

I missed dd2's class play due to us being away with her younger brother and sister. She doesnt bear a grudge over it.

The oldest 3 all bear a grudge towards the head teacher who took away the year 6's benches.....!

kids don't care about this sort of stuff as long as they are loved and cared for. Sounds like your dd has a dad who will be well able to sort that out for her for a few days.

serin · 11/07/2016 23:55

My first day at school is one of the clearest memories I have of my childhood, but we didn't have preschools or nurseries so it was a much bigger event.

Maybe you could Skype her before she leaves to get a good look at her in her uniform and afterwards to ask how her day was.

Ultimately I would still go the conference.

catkind · 11/07/2016 23:58

Didn't occur to us it should be a 2 parent thing either; I think I was at work the first day for DS, but can't really remember, which just goes to show what a big deal it was. I am doing DD's first day in September, not sure that's ideal tbh as DH does most mornings so it's really him that needs to learn the arriving in classroom routine not me.

KayTee87 · 12/07/2016 00:05

I don't really think she will mind to be honest but you know her best. Plenty of kids parents have to be at work and miss lots of school things, my mum could never make anything at school as she was working, I was never disappointed, it was just a fact of life. My dad made more school things as his hours tended to be more flexible etc.

notangelinajolie · 12/07/2016 00:24

I missed DD2's first birthday because I had a meeting in Paris. I missed DD1 playing Mary in the Christmas Navity at her nursery because no one else could do my job. I went back to work when DD3 was 3 weeks old. Everyone told me I should stick with my career because my children would be fine without me. I listened and did what everyone suggested. 12 months later I gave it all up. I couldn't stand it any longer ... I chose the stay at home mum option. Since then I haven't missed a single school assembly/ parent's evening/phone call saying my child is sick and please pick her up from school/ school holidays are long, fun and filled with laughter. Life financially has been carp. I was the main wage earner and holdiays and nice clothes are a thing of the past. Some days I have gone hungry. DH and I literally resemble the Clampets but I don't care. It was the right decision for us. I know the majority won't agree with me but please do what is right for your family. It's true .... the children won't miss you - but they won't miss this other stuff too. We are happy and that is all that matters.

notangelinajolie · 12/07/2016 00:32

And I am stunned that so many cannot remember their children's first day at school :-o

notangelinajolie · 12/07/2016 00:37

And before anyone picks up on my I don't care comment. For clarification .... I don't care = it doesn't matter what I look like (nobody is looking!)

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