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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my DC's first day of reception for a work opportunity abroad?

220 replies

deliverdaniel · 11/07/2016 22:36

An opportunity has come up for me to give a presentation at a conference in another country. It is very prestigious and would be brilliant for my career prospects and it has given me a real confidence boost to be asked. It's the kind of opportunity that really doesn't come up often.
But it would mean being away on the day that my DD starts school for the first time (reception) and the two days after that (it's all or nothing- can't do part of it.) Her dad is amazing and would take her and do all the things that I would do if I was there. But if I'm honest I think she would be disappointed if I wasn't there too. What do people think? Would you do it, or stay home to be with her for this milestone in her life?

Please be kind! Thank you

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 12/07/2016 00:42

Why would you particularly remember your dc's first day at school. I've been to all of mine. They had all been to the attached preschool with the same uniform so it was just like the beginning of any year. Quick kiss and have a nice day and off they went.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 12/07/2016 05:22

What a lovely, supportive bunch you are. thank you so much for all these lovely comments. I thought that I was going to get a complete flaming for being a terrible mother for even thinking of it. I feel so much better now. Thank you!

OP posts:
PollyCoddle · 12/07/2016 05:40

I missed my cousin's wedding (on a Monday, a few hundred miles away) to take my DD1 to her first day of school. Everyone understood. By the time DD2 started, I thought if I had my time again I'd probably have gone to the wedding. The memorable bit just 10 minutes before drop off and your DH will be there. Make sure he takes all the standard photos.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/07/2016 06:05

Yep, she's got her Dad, absolutely go.

Oh, and get used to this, the amount of 'days' schools have right now that parents need to attend is ridiculous.

Good luck with the presentation!!

SpaghettiMeatballs · 12/07/2016 06:11

If it helps my DD starts reception in September and DH will be in the US for the first fortnight. It's a shame but it's the way his work is.

I've taken some time off so I'll be there. You say you're DH will be there so like my DD she has a parent there.

Toomanycats99 · 12/07/2016 06:12

With my second daughter her first day at school was a complete anticlimax. She got to the classroom grabbed some colouring and sat down, we were like 'oh we will be off then' it was all of 5 minutes!

Toomanycats99 · 12/07/2016 06:14

Due to work commitments I also had her in breakfast / after school club before she was even full time......

PedantPending · 12/07/2016 06:14

Definitely go to the conference! My father took me to school on my first day, it was no big deal. I cannot even remember anything around my mother on that day. In fact i would play the whole thing down as it is the norm, everyone goes to school, whereas not everyone gets your opportunity.

karmapolice97 · 12/07/2016 06:32

I'm also missing my child's first day in September due to work commitments and DH can't be there either. My DD is quite happy that her granny will be doing drop off and pick up the first few days. She is already at the pre-school in same uniform so it doesn't seem like that big a deal as it's still half days anyway. I wouldn't think twice about the opportunity especially since your DH can be there. I also felt a bit puzzled at seeing both parents taking the day day off for nursery drop in open days etc but each to their own. We try to make sure DD always has one person there for her but who it is will vary, such is life when you both work.

hotcurrypowder · 12/07/2016 06:32

Of course go to the conference!

KiteCutter · 12/07/2016 06:49

Definitely do the presentation. You might be surprised also how this is remembered by the company/your bosses etc. in the future.

Not first day at school (think I went to that but no particular memories of it) but I missed DD's 2nd birthday because there was a team building event and dinner two hours drive away. When I put the issue to my then manager she made it clear I could do whichever I chose but I know she respected the fact that I was committed to my career (and my DD BTW) and as soon as the first half hour or so of the meal was out of the way she had a quiet word and told me to hit the motorway. But she also never forgot it.

DD had a lovely time with DH, PILs and her cousins and probably has absolutely no recollection that I wasn't there.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/07/2016 06:51

Another vote for the conference (a rather Envy one, as I have had to pull out of something similar this summer and am v disappointed). First days at school are one of those things that are built up to be bigger than they are. Here in Germany there's a whole ceremony attached for parents/family to attend, which it would be hard to miss, but it's usually on the Saturday before or after the first day, which makes it easier wrt work commitments.

LynetteScavo · 12/07/2016 06:57

But not a lot happens when you drop them off at school....then they "can't remember" what they did all day when you pick them up. I've had 3 DC start school, and it was pretty much a non-event each time.

The Reception nativity is something you should try to attend if you can though. I love a nativity play

I say go, and don't even think about feeling guilty.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 12/07/2016 07:00

Go to the conference. She will have her dad there (I bet no one would think a father should miss an important work thing for their child's first day of school that the mother was going to anyway) She will be able to tell you all about it when you get back or via facetime/Skype etc while you are there kids love that sort of thing. She will feel really important when she tells her teachers and new friends that Mummy has gone to X country for work. Buy her a lovely present from wherever you go. My kids are only 9 and 6 so didn't start school that long ago I can't remember their first day at all (I can't even remember if I went or their Dad went) and they certainly can't remember it either.

PrimalLass · 12/07/2016 07:01

She will be in the door, into her class and you'll be standing in the playground by 9.10, wondering what to do with the rest of your morning. Just go.

Holdtheslaw · 12/07/2016 07:02

It's just I remember clearly my first day at school and running out to my mum after to tell her I didn't like it lol

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 12/07/2016 07:11

She'll have her dad holdtheslaw any way she'll probably not feel like that, starting school is a much gentler process now. And Ops daughter is used to school, OK a different school, but she will understand the routine.

It honestly only takes one parent to do the first day at school, you've said her dad is amazing. And it's much a bigger deal for the parents than it is the kids, most kids treat it as another day at nursary. They walk in to the class see their friends they've met on induction days and the bright colours on the wall hang their coats up and want you to leave them alone and let them get on with their day. Then as a previous poster said it all blends in you ask them how their day was "ok" what did you do "nothing" who did you okay with "I don't know

BoGrainger · 12/07/2016 07:12

99% of teachers miss their dcs' first day I would imagine! And agree that dads don't get guilt-tripped by friends about missing it either. Dd1 got picked up by my friend at the end of her first day as we were at a funeral and I don't remember any of us giving it a moment's angst. Have a great conference

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 12/07/2016 07:14

Posted too soon.

You'll have the same conversation for years.

Honestly go to the conference and it's being a role model to your daughter, your achieving something.

RubbleBubble00 · 12/07/2016 07:18

Dh works away. He hasn't been here for first day of any of our children. I take photos and dc Skype him before school

harshbuttrue1980 · 12/07/2016 07:21

Going against the grain here - I think you should be with your daughter on her first day at "big school". There may be tears and upset, and it would be best for her if you were there. Mums have to work and that's fine, but I think you should be there for big occasions in your child's life when you can - and it sounds like this conference is optional.
I know this is unfashionable in today's world, but I do think you have to make personal sacrifices sometimes when you choose to have kids, and can't always just carry on as before. She might not remember this occasion specifically, but children do pick up a general feeling of where they lie in the order of importance for their parents. Let her know that Mummy and Daddy both have careers, but that family comes first.

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 12/07/2016 07:21

At our school I'm always a bit Confused at the huge fuss that some families make about the first day of school. Both parents taking the day off, dressing up in their fancy clothes etc. With both my DD we made it as casual as possible so that neither of them got stressed or started seeing it as a big deal. DH went to work and I dropped them off, went into the classroom for 30'seconds to make sure they'd found their peg etc then I buggered off. Just ask your DH to take a few nice photos outside the house on the morning, and go to your conference. Your DD won't remember and your DH can help her to compile a list of exciting school stories to tell you all about when you get home.

bigTillyMint · 12/07/2016 07:24

I don't think your DD will miss you being there at all - her dad will take her and she will be fine - once she has gone inside, that will be it. So 15mins of dropping offSmile
It is likely to "just" be you who will feel bad at missing the milestone, which is entirely understandable, but probably not worth missing an important job opportunity for 15mins!

FWIW, I do remember my PFB's first day - she ran into the room clutching her bf's hand, without a backward glance and I felt really jealous of the teacher as I could see they were a fab little class But I can't remember DS's first day at allBlush

ineedamoreadultieradult · 12/07/2016 07:24

harsh are Dad's incapable of dealing with tears and upset?

pearlylum · 12/07/2016 07:27

Seems I am against the grain here.

I wouldn't miss my DDs fist day at school, it's a huge deal. Easy decision.