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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to miss my DC's first day of reception for a work opportunity abroad?

220 replies

deliverdaniel · 11/07/2016 22:36

An opportunity has come up for me to give a presentation at a conference in another country. It is very prestigious and would be brilliant for my career prospects and it has given me a real confidence boost to be asked. It's the kind of opportunity that really doesn't come up often.
But it would mean being away on the day that my DD starts school for the first time (reception) and the two days after that (it's all or nothing- can't do part of it.) Her dad is amazing and would take her and do all the things that I would do if I was there. But if I'm honest I think she would be disappointed if I wasn't there too. What do people think? Would you do it, or stay home to be with her for this milestone in her life?

Please be kind! Thank you

OP posts:
FruitCider · 12/07/2016 15:07

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I missed my dds first Christmas because I chose to do voluntary work. I did get back to the U.K. For her first birthday though!

Iloveowls2 · 12/07/2016 15:10

Totally depends on the child. Some kids might be meh! Don't really care who takes me and have no recollection of the event. My husband only has vague memories of his early school years. Me on the other hand can remember walking in with my mum, the sunlight coming through the blinds showing dust in the air, different toys on the table. I'd have been really upset without my mum. My son starts in sept too and wouldn't miss it for the world

spiderlight · 12/07/2016 15:21

I couldn't take my DS to his first day at Reception because I was seriously ill (ended up being rushed to hospital two days later and missing most of his first half-term, but that's another story...). DH took him round and he was fine leaving the house and fine when he came home, but DH told me (only because I asked, a couple of years later) that he'd been inconsolable when they got there because everyone else had their mums with them. I still feel bad about that. DS is nine now and doesn't remember any of it, but given the choice, I'd want to be there.

Lazyafternoon · 12/07/2016 15:31

Go! As many others have said as DP can do it instead then not a big issue. He would take the pictures etc like you would do for him. Why should it always be mum that does all firsts. I know my DH would probably really like the opportunity to have a few special days for him. But as I'm a SAHM I'm the one that does all that stuff!

If DD is already going to nursery then she's used to being left. I think that's what the big deal is for some parents on the first day. Around here Reception class seem to phase in gradually - so mornings for first week or so, then stay for lunch, then not till nearly end of September do they actually do full days. So maybe you can make a big deal of her first full day at school when you're back if they do something like that?

Hereforthegossip · 12/07/2016 16:08

Personally I would go for the career opportunity. It is a couple of days out of the rest of her school life and by the time she finishes infants you will do anything to get Out of the school run. It does become a bit monotonous.

But aside from all that I am sure your dh will love it. Give him a bit of the input into your dc. I am guilty of controlling it all and I know my dh feels very left out.

notyummy · 12/07/2016 16:20

Go to the conference. Neither DH nor I were able to be there for DDs first day at school. I asked my mum and dad to come up and take her. She is 10 now and can remember her first day fondly, but also remembers the jumper I was wearing when I took her to her 'settling in' session! So yes, she knows I wasn't there for that one day, but she knows I was there for others. If you don't build it up into a big deal, then she wont see it as such. And I agree that a lot of men wouldn't even give this a second thought. My mum said that there weren't many Dads there on the first day.

AgentPineapple · 12/07/2016 16:41

Go to the conference, I know how bad you must be feeling, there are always times where one or other parent can't be there for things. Her starting reception is important but her dad will be there to wave her in :) this sounds like a bit of a once in a life (career) time for you and might actually lead to other things which will benefit your family later. I know it'll be hard for you too, just need to make a big fuss of her before you go and after you come back :)

ultraviolet4753 · 12/07/2016 16:48

I don't even remember who took me to my first day of school. I remember queueing up to meet the teacher. That's all. Go the the conference! I would rather my parents have been there for plays and such.

LynetteScavo · 12/07/2016 16:50

My mum didn't take me to school on the first day, my sister did as she was still on school holiday. My mum went to work, but I presume she must have taken me every day after that Confused Anyway, I wasn't bothered.

TFPsa · 12/07/2016 17:12

IMO a first day at school is just nothing, eminently missable. What really matters over the course of a childhood is that one or both parents is around as much as they can be given budget etc constraints. Long term no-one will remember even the tiniest thing about who was or wasn't at any particular school event.

LynetteScavo · 12/07/2016 18:00

I remember my mum missed me win the welly wanging competition in 1980

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 12/07/2016 18:00

sorry- left the thread for a bit, and came back to all these amazing messages of support (with a couple of exceptions- not sure about the cuddling babies thing- that seems a pretty odd comparison.) THank you all so very much. I'm now 99% sure that I will go to the conference! really appreciate this amazing boost!

OP posts:
magratvonlipwig · 12/07/2016 18:23

Go
And skype

Your life is important too!

GoblinLittleOwl · 12/07/2016 18:26

Her father is prepared to go and do all the right things with your daughter; the only one who would suffer would be you.
Go for the job presentation; how many men would turn down this opportunity? (Just make sure you are there for the first assembly.)

MargeryFenworthy · 12/07/2016 18:27

Definitely wouldn't and couldn't have missed my DD's first day of reception. No way. My career is vital to me but some milestones are too precious to be missed.

2nds · 12/07/2016 18:32

See the thing with things like their first school day, there is only ever one occasion when that takes place, and OP I don't see why you can't ask the school to accept her two or three days later meaning you will make it to both the conference and her first day at school, this conference is surely not going to be on for more than a few days? I can't see why the school would say no as it's not p1, it's reception.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 18:34

2nd that an absurd idea. Friendships are being formed, classroom rules being set, everyone is settling in so missing the first day of school should be a necessity rather than because the op wouldn't want to miss out on the "experience" of sending her child to school for the first time. Bizarre...

2nds · 12/07/2016 18:34

As for Holly Willoughby, she goes to work pissed. Twice she's turned up on This Morning wearing the same clothes as she did partying the night before so hardly a role model for women who want to keep their jobs.

2nds · 12/07/2016 18:36

Purple daisies many kids join the school year late for various reasons so it's really not 'absurd'.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/07/2016 18:38

She has her dad there.

seriously.

keeping her home just so both parents can be there is bonkers.

Ffs.

good job many people think a bit more sensibly. where would a&e or schools or fire departments or even shops be of all their staff took days off as it's the first day of school.

she can Skype after.

providing she gets anything more than "dunno" "can't remember" answers to every question

she has a parent there. many will be dropped off by friends neighbours childminders etc

no big deal.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 18:38

For proper reasons, like being ill or the whole family being on holiday. It's deeply weird to think of anyone keeping their child off school, presumable with a childminder simply because they didn't want to miss out on their child's first day of school.

Houseconfusion · 12/07/2016 18:40

pearlymum is known on these boards for contributing to SAHM/WOHM threads with pro SAHM positions that overstep many boundaries and lays on huge amounts of guilt on mothers who work. I've seen it and experienced it before on a thread in the past few months but now I've changed my name on here.

Please attend the conference. And do not for a moment feel guilty about it.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/07/2016 18:40

I can't remember any of the things my mum took me to when I was little but it must have been a lot - I just remember feeling loved and secure.

I wouldn't worry about missing it - her dad will be there and it will mean a lot to him too.

2nds · 12/07/2016 18:41

I lol'd at the whole family being on holiday being a proper reason. Double standards Purple!

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 18:44

I lol'd at the whole family being on holiday being a proper reason. Double standards Purple!

I'm a teacher so I don't like people taking term time holidays-what I meant by that was at least the girl would be unavailable to go to school.

The absurdness is anyone having such a romantic view of the child's first day of school that they would be prepared for the child to spend the day either at home with the dad or with paid childcare so that they themselves would be able to witness the event (and then put it in Facebook). It's bonkers.