To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

so, you have raised a wishy washy shell of a man have you - so easily changed and filled up with different ideas since he was married?

Good job as a parent there

Texting isn't a relationship! Phone them up. Have long conversations. Show them you love them. Be warm and caring.

It seems as though they see you as cold and distant so of course they feel more comfortable with her parents. Sorry.

What does your DH think about this? It's as much for him to be seen to be making the effort as well.

As for shared interests, you have shared history with your son, that should be plenty. And there must be some common ground- food maybe?
My BIL (DH's brother) and DH and I have zero in common- he's a teetotal ultra left wing Buddhist vegetarian who lives in a van and doesn't watch TV. We are capitalist atheist City workers who love a rare steak and like nothing better than a box set. But we have being family in common (and respect each others' views) and we all get along great at family gatherings.

I wouldn't bother if I were you. Instead, I would ask myself: if they spent the same amount with their inlaws as with you, would you care? Do you only want to increase contact to make it equal and 'fair', or because you genuinely want to see more of your son?

I said she wasn't a nasty girl. Perhaps this isn't the best place for advice. I don't expect her to not see her family I just wonder how it doesn't occur to her that she always visits her parents and not us. Of course I don't expect her to do the running. Ultimately I feel guilty for being a short tempered parent when my sons were young but I feel this has not made us so close. Perhaps I was too young when I had my children, I don't know. I'm rambling.

This must really hurt .

Why do you have a problem with the way things are? Is it because:

• it's not fair and you're jealous
• you miss your son and feel like you've lost him
• you didn't particularly mind who he was close to until now but you're afraid of being 'second grandparents' if children come along
• you feel out of the loop where information about IVF is concerned
• it hurts to feel 'less fun' and not 'chosen' by your son.

In any of these situations, I would echo what others have said and suggest that you show you care. Not through a text! If he hears your voice or sees you in person, you can show your love so much better through your tone of voice and so on. Sending a text indicates that you want information and nothing more.

I have the greatest sympathy with you if feel like you've lost your son. But I don't think you can fix this unless you're truly bothered about the relationship. It's telling that after reading your innermost thoughts on the matter, I still don't know; you may well come across much colder than you realise. Not being maternal is no excuse for not showing you care.

If you do care enough to fix things I would point out that it doesn't matter how friendly he is with his in-laws. There is always room for more people who care and who love his family. You will probably never win the 'fun' stakes so forget about that competition and focus solely on your relationship with them both. It's unique and irreplaceable and you will have something to offer that no one else can. You'll have to start making more of an effort and forget about 'imposing' - imagine if he feels the same way - you could be stuck in limbo forever!

You say your son is different around his friends and in-laws. Have a think. Are you really prepared to accept him for exactly who he is, even when he's not conforming to your ideal of who you want him to be? It might feel disappointing or disrespectful to you. Weigh it up. Then, if you really want to know him, be prepared to work hard and be honest about who you are also.

And yes, you're unreasonable to resent your DIL but I think you know that really.

This is all about your son. Not your DIL.

OP there is lots of good advice here. I understand that you feel a bit hurt and left out - basically you want your son and DIL to WANT to spend time with you and you think that they don't seem to want to.

Here's the thing, a lot of the time spent with family comes down to logistics -her parents are right there so it's always going to be a bit unbalanced towards her parents. Secondly, as other pps have said and I think you know, it's your son who you need to deal with. It simply isn't your DILs job to chase you guys up for visits etc... I don't think you've really considered that you may have created a distance unintentionally, you mention that you don't contact them much at all and that you also spend significant time with your other son's children etc... Your son may well feel that you are just not very interested in spending more time with him and your DIL because you are wrapped up in his brother's family (you should read all the threads on here from disappointed dds & dils who are upset that the grandparents ignore their families over the sibling's families).

You are also envious of the more relaxed relationship that you perceive your son to have with his inlaws - again, sorry but close proximity is just a fact of life. I think it's interesting that you mention you are not very maternal, it makes me think that it's just so happens that your family dynamic is different to the other inlaws. My family are very quiet (basically repressed...) and unemotional, my inlaws are very close, nosey and share everything. Families are just different, unless your family dynamic is unhealthy I would try not worry about comparing yourselves to the inlaws.

Like everyone said, you need to get out of your comfort zone and initiate contact more - primarily with your son. You're putting unexpressed expectations into your DIL, of course she's going to fail a test she doesn't know she's been given.

My MIL doesn't like to pry and rarely gets involved in our lives, though she's great with the DCs end is a lovely woman. Thing is, if you don't present yourself as wanting to be involved then nobody will think to involve you.

Perhaps you are not resentful but jealous your dil has an obviously close relationship with her parents whereas your son doesn't make as much effort with you as you would like?

Have you been close before? I think your post does read unfair to your dil. Its not her responsibility and she is perfectly entitled to have a close relationship with her parents. Its your son you need to focus on, her is perfectly able to pick up the phone to you or see you so I would focus on reconnecting with your son.

Thanks gonetoseeaman. My DH is probably less bothered than me, it's not his real son and although he loves son in question he likes to spend time with his brother at weekends and we do stuff as a couple

talk to your son and issuer invites, take an interest and stop Pussy footing around!

When people suggest that you make the effort to see them, you come up with excuses as to why you don't "I'm busy with my grandchildren" "We've never been in each others pockets". So that makes it sound as if you don't really mind that they don't see you much, but you'd just rather they didn't see her parents as much. Which is a bit odd.

You've said yourself your relationship is different to your DIL's relationship with her parents - either try to change it or accept that as part of that you don't see them as much as they see the other set of parents.

I just wonder how it doesn't occur to her that she always visits her parents and not us.

Why should is occur to her? As far as she is aware Ito end occur to you to make an effort with them.

And for all you know she could have been saying to your son 'why don't you call your mum'

This is between you and your son. Not your dil. If you want a better relationship with him, then do something about it.

I was a young mum. It's got nothing to do with it.

The issue here is that you feel bad. You feel guilty and feel you don't have a relationship with your son. And instead of doing something about it, you are resenting dil. Own your feelings and own your actions. Stop blaming everyone else.

"DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc"

I hope I can have such a close and loving relationship with my dd's when they are older. I also hope they can all relax around me.

You sound a bit like my MIL. Relations are strained between us due to my in laws behaviour towards us around our wedding. We have moved on but it is not an easy relationship.

We invite them regularly to come and see us, they live closer than my Dad, we are always turned down. DH has a weekly phone call and that is pretty much the only communication we have.

We have invited them for Christmas but they don't want to be away from home, we are not invited there as there isn't the space - they don't want a big fuss.

In 22 months they have seen their grandchild 5 times, mostly us going to them which is not easy as their house is seriously child unfriendly - two dogs, lots of cigarette ash etc.

They make zero effort as they don't want to impose. However spend every weekend with SIL and her dog.

My DH finds going to my Dads much more relaxing and welcoming.

This does all really upset my DH but whatever we say nothing gets through.

Ultimately I feel guilty for being a short tempered parent when my sons were young but I feel this has not made us so close. Perhaps I was too young when I had my children, I don't know. I'm rambling.

This is a great place for advice if you want to actually listen and take it, though it can sting a little. Relationships are forged when children are little, and my mum was short tempered, distant and unaffectionate (often emotionally and even physically abusive), and she then wondered, often aloud and often bitterly, why we weren't close when we grew up. It's all our fault of course, not hers.

If you regret how you were when they were little, you need to work at it now. Perhaps some counselling would help, and a real determination to change.

"I suspect my son doesn't act his true self when he is around me (I noticed that he seemed like a different person around friends, DIL and her family at their wedding for example)."

I suspect rather sadly that this is the crux of the issue - for whatever reason (likely years of back story) your son is more comfortable with his wife's family and you, understandably, feel weird (sad/confused/angry/jealous?) it must be hard for a mother to see that so you do have my sympathies. However, I think I am very much like your son in my family. I find my mother very difficult - years of her being controlling and only accepting me/being nice if I did what she wanted. Also she makes every problem about her, so I choose not to tell her anything of interest. This means I'm on eggshells around her and probably come across as vague and disinterested. She will often say things like "you seem a bit down" but I'm fine just feeling on edge with her. I'm not for a minute suggesting you are like this - I don't know you and am just sharing for context.

I would love my mum to do more fun things together that would help me relax and also make up for her lack of interest. I'd love for her to ask open questions without judgment - you say your sons politics have changed, why not read more about his POV? Open some some channels. Please pleaee don't think it's beyond repair - that would be awful for you but also for your son and his wife (and your future grandchildren). The fact you've asked the question shows you don't really believe that it's beyond repair - otherwise you would have already disconnected.

I hope it goes well and you are able to rebuild a good relationship with them. All the best to you.

This is kind of how things are for us. My parents are local, very involved with the DC, help us out a lot with childcare etc etc. My family is very informal, jokey and fun. DH comes and goes in my parents house as he pleases - he's part of the furniture like the rest of us. I speak to or see my parents everyday.

MIL is about 90mins away. DH calls her once a week, we see her every few weeks. We wouldn't just turn up unannounced. BIL and SIL recently suffered a mc. When they fell pg again, they told us very early on, but didn't tell MIL until 13w. Not sure why, maybe because we've been there ourselves.

It's not deliberate, it's just geography and a different type of relationship.

You sound like my mum. She had a short fuse and little sense of fun when I was younger. She was hard work. She was resentful of the relationship I had with my partners parents and family, yet she didnt change.

I miss her very much and wish I had made more effort to spend time with her when she was alive, but she expected me to make all the first moves and invitations. She expected me to travel to her and when she occasionally came to visit she acted like a royal guest rather than a family member.. I often wished she was more open towards me.

I'll give you another outlook.
I have been the one whose parents were very far away so there is no way we would have spent as much time with them than we did with my PIL. So we didn't.
It wasn't that I didn;t want to see them, it certainly had nothing to do with DH. It was just the easiness and the distance that was an issue.

Then my parents moved closer and are now at a similar distance than my PIL. I saw my parents much more often, partly because they are my parents, partly because having lived so far from each other, I just relish the time with them but most importantly because they were tired and my PIL weren't so it was easy to see them, not as easy to see my PIL.

The other thing was, of course, that I suggested to DH to go and see them, we have been invited by my parents, they've done some babysitting for us (well a lot!).
On the other side, DH never proposes to see his parents. I have to remind him to go there or to ring them (even when his mum or dad have been quite ill). They can't come during the week etc...

Bottom line is that it's as much to do with DH attitude and willingness to go and see his parents than with my PIL availability.
But I see that as my DH issue rather than mine iyswim. If he wants to go and see them, then he should say so!

Your post reminds me a bit of my situation, only in my case it is my parents who are nice enough but a bit cold and distant and my husband's parents who are easy to get on with and fun to spend time with. They are also better with my daughter - PIL will get on the floor and play with her. My parents will interact with her if I put her on their laps but just sit on the sofa drinking tea otherwise.

Interestingly, my mum's parents were the same and she always resented them for it. And now my own parents have turned into them...

I don't expect her to not see her family I just wonder how it doesn't occur to her that she always visits her parents and not us.

Maybe it does occur to her. The question you should be asking is why it doesn't occur to your son. Or if it does occur to your son, why he doesn't act on it.

When DH and I had been married for 3 years this is what my MIL would have written. My parents are really relaxed and welcomed DH with open arms from day one. My PIL were much more reserved and I felt they kept me at arms length, so naturally we gravitated towards my parents. Like you, MIL had never been very maternal towards DH and although she loved him very much it was a more strained relationship than with my family.

Our relationship carried on like this for a few years, my parents invited us over, we went out for meals with them etc etc but with PIL it had to be a pre-arranged and somewhat formal get together whenever it happened.

When we had DS six years ago, it changed everything. MIL fell instantly in love with him and her desire to see him regularly meant she made more effort with us as a family. She also got to know me properly for the first time and thought I was a good mum and it sort of changed everything for us.

Over time we have gradually got closer and when FIL died a couple of years ago, MIL even came to live with us which would have been unthinkable for me prior to DS. She now lives on her own, but we remain close and we see each other 2-3 times per week (much to the horror of most people on Mumsnet!).

So perhaps there's hope but I would say you need to reach out to them, become more like a friend if you can and I'm sure the relationship can and will improve over time.