To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Favouritism is such an odd word to use. It's bad if parents show favouritism towards one child over another. Adults are free to make their own friendships and relationships with other adults. They are not under obligation or contract to expend any particular, or equal, amount of time or attention on anyone.

'Favouritism' smacks of 'it's just not fair'. As I tell my four yo, life isn't.

[EverythingWillBeFine]

Re the fact your ds has changed...

It's pretty normal. He has a family, is spending time with other people, people that will have different ideas, different ways of doing things. he is just picking and choosing what works best for him, incl political ideas.
My DH has changed a hell of a lot since we got married. He eats completely differently (usually if I cook, PIL haven't eaten something like that before - they are very traditional in their approach. I'm not British). His political ideas have changed etc etc....
And I have changed too!
That's what happens when you live together.

[EverythingWillBeFine]

Oh and please, don't just wait for them to contact you.
There is nothing worse than someone expecting yu to contact them (whether they are a parent or a grand parent) and then having a go and making you feel bad for not ringing earlier, never contacting you etc...

I've had that with my grand father. I don't see him anymore....

[ellesbellesxxx]

Didn't you post this a couple of weeks ago then take it down again?
If so, you actually said you didn't really get in touch.... In which case your son is probably taking his cue from you! It's not your DIL's responsibility to keep in touch!
And yes, I agree with the pp that said you not asking how the treatment is going could come across as disinterested. All you have to say is "how are things going? You know where I am if you need me"

[AsthmaAndAutism]

....are you my MIL?

I mean, you're not because you obviously care enough about your son that you're posting in a forum, but still. Striking similarities to my situation with my PIL.

I'd say you need to phone more, ask to visit, phone the DIL if your son doesn't answer, it's not always up to them to instigate contact. You've said yourself that you're busy looking after your other sons children, maybe it's them that don't want to impose on you?

As for finding it weird how close DIL is to her DM, just back off. Don't project any insecurities that you have about your relationship with your son, onto her.

[JustHereForThePooStories]

I could be your DIL!

Husband and I live much closer to his family (we live and work in the same city as them) but choose to spend more time with mine.

DH doesn't have an amazing relationship with his mother. She's always been very cold and standoffish. I get along well with her but she's not a person I would choose to spend time with over my family. His father is ineffective.

To be honest, we've been together for 15 years and, in all that time, I've always found them very disinterested in me. They've never asked me a personal question, or shown any interest in me outside of their son.

I don't think they could tell you what I do for a living or the name of the village where I grew up. I think they'd struggle to tell you my surname (I didn't change it on marriage). I suspect they tell themselves that they don't interfere but I see it as lack of interest, or blatant disregard.

They're not very interested in us as a couple either. They've never even paid a passing interest. I don't think they know if we rent or own our home- we told them when we applied for a mortgage 12 years ago, but they never once enquirer as to how it was progressing and DH got sick of bringing it up, just to have the topic changed quickly.

4 years ago, we told them that we were beginning fertility treatment. There was no acknowledgement. Nothing. I sat there aghast, and upset, and vowed to never tell them about that or any other personal information ever again. 4 years on and there's still no baby and they haven't once asked how we're getting on. It's very hurtful.

At this stage, my husband is much more comfortable with my family. He feels he can be himself. They're supportive. They're interested in the big and small things in our lives.
I can't blame him.

[fastdaytears]

Didn't you post this a couple of weeks ago then take it down again

There was a really, really similar thread with very similar responses!

[BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi]

doesn't occur to her that she always visits her parents and not us. Of course I don't expect her to do the running


I am sorry but you need to look in the mirror and bring this back to YOU.

My son does not visit me.

As I said have you bent over backwards to welcome your dil? always been nice to them, taken interest in her?

You will simply never move forward if you blame all of this on your dil,

[TattyCat]

My DH is probably less bothered than me, it's not his real son

This jumped out at me, not quite sure why. It seems to be a very loaded statement and I wonder if this is why your son doesn't perhaps make as much 'effort' as you require him to. Deep down, he will know that whilst he's loved, his DF doesn't really consider him his 'real son'?

I think this may be the root of this issue, somehow.

[BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi]

JustHereForThePooStories Mon 11-Jul-16 20:07:42

Thats my relationship with mine, they never EVER ask about my family which is tiny, never take an interest in me. Or indeed us a couple at all.

Mil is strained and awkward. I dont feel comfortable there and neither does dh. he cant freely move around like sil for instance.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Again, it's all on her - he's your son

When wives post on here about their in law problems they often get told it's a husband problem - this is the same - it's your son's responsibility not your DIL's

[mamaduckbone]

My situation with inlaws is very similar to yours. We live nearer my family and see them regularly. We are a close family and Dh gets on well with my brother and nephews. Inlaws never instigate contact but expect us to. Mil is currently in a massive mood with us because she perceives that we don't invite them up enough. It's so frustrating. It's not just up to them to involve you in their lives - it's just as much your responsibility to take an interest and keep in touch.

[FlipperSkipper]

Make an effort, give him a call!

You sound a lot like my MIL, who complains she doesn't see enough of us, but rarely phones and visits us once every 18 months or so (we live 90minutes away). We're expected to go and see them, despite both working full time. She often says she can't visit us as she's babysitting my BILs children, who she always puts first even when we're visiting, which as someone who has done 5 cycles of IVF and had 2 miscarriages I find hurtful, and I know my husband does too. It's a two way street, and you need to make some effort. I'm glad your son and DIL have some family who are interested in them and are supporting them.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I'm sure it makes a difference - you say live around 1 1/2 hours away but DIL's parents are only 5 minutes away. It's a heck of a journey to yours by comparison when you consider the round trip there and back.
Also, have you noticed that most daughters just naturally stay closer to their parents, while sons tend to grow away? It's sad but it often seems to happen that way. Could you offer to have them come and stay with you sometimes - or would that open up a whole new can of worms?

[sparkleshine83]

I've been in this situation as the DIL (though without the fertility treatment). My family all live nearby and we're very close, loud, informal, working class etc etc. His family live further away (they're maybe a couple hours away where my family are 10m away or so) and they're very distant and formal, wealthier, more private... There were also conflicts in the famliy, he did not get on with his father or brother, just his mum.

When we first got together I was honestly confused that he didn't ring home once a week and he told me that 'once a year' was about normal for his family to see each other and that they 'didn't like to be in each other's pockets' and were 'independent'. He joked that my family is like a pack of dogs where his family were more 'cat people'.

I started to encourage him to ring his mother more, just because I thought perhaps she'd like it and wasn't saying so because she didn't want to pressure him. A couple of times she had said something, hinted that she'd quite like to see her son more. I ended up saying to her that I'd told him to call and he assumed she didn't want to be bugged or have more contact than that. He also gets on very well with my family and is friends with my sisters and my brother-in -law.

You need to communicate that you'd like to see them more. He may well have no idea and/or not want to intrude on you. (A lot of the time I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing intimate information, similar to fertility issues, with my MIL as we don't know each other as well and I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable by overstepping a boundary).

It's not unreasonable to feel hurt that they're spending more time with one set of in-laws than the other but the question is what to do about it. It's just possible that your DiL is in a similar position to the one I was in, and is accepting that your son knows you better and knows more about how much contact time you'd like than he actually does. Let him know. He might be surprised or even horrified to realise he's neglected you.

Are there any conflicts which might lead him to be distant - does he get on well with his brothers?

[joellevandyne]

Your situation sounds quite similar to my family's, though I'm the DIL. My parents live close to us, and my OH's live about 1.5 hours away. His mum had him young, is not very maternal, and they have never been close. They rarely call, text or visit. On the other hand, my parents look after our kids weekly, check in regularly and invite us away on holidays. OH's parents use the "didn't want to bother you" excuse too, though it certainly feels more like "didn't want to bother" full stop.

Despite the obvious differences, OH's family clearly resents mine and the relationship we have with them. I used to try to encourage OH to involve his parents more, but to be honest, they are quite hard work and I can't be bothered to nag him to keep up a relationship that neither side seems all that interested in.

If you want a closer relationship with your son, I think you have to accept that you're going to have to put in some solid work to rebuild it. Your son does not owe it to you, and your DIL even less so.

[FlipperSkipper]

Oh and my mil doesn't even know about the 4 most recent IVF cycles or my second miscarriage, why would we tell her when she shows no interest in us?

[Houseconfusion]

This situation sounds very very familiar to me.

[Atenco]

OP, I think most of us were short-tempered with our children when they were young, do not beat yourself up about it. My ex was totally useless with dd when she was young but they get on brilliantly now that she is an adult.

You have my sympathy because you sound a bit like me. I once complained to a friend that nobody organises anything for my birthday and she wisely informed me that she organises her own birthday. Your son is an adult with his own family, now you can be friends with him.

[Roastednutflash]

Are you my MIL?

DH and I spend a lot more time with my family than his. We spend every Christmas with my family. I have asked him and asked him does he want to see his parents more often, reminding him to ring etc etc, does he want to spend Christmas there this year. His answer is always that he'd rather spend time with my family. His family don't ever talk about emotional stuff so consequently their relationship isn't very deep. My family are very close, very large, and we share most things.

I would love to be closer to DH's family but at the end of the day they are his family, not mine, and there is only so much I can do

[Heidi42]

YADBVU in fact you sound like a cold hearted, selfish , 'nasty girl' to coin your phrase.

[Havingkittens04]

Oh my! Finally an insight into how my MiL's mind works!

From what you've said my DH and I are are extremely similar to your son and DiL. Not blowing my own trumpet, I am a really good wife and DiL, and couldn't have done more to include my PiL in everything we did. I've written that in past tense as we haven't had any contact with them for close to 2 years.

We bought our first house 5 mins from PiL yet we hardly ever saw them unless we visited them. My parents lived 20 mins away and we saw them more often as they visited us frequently. There had always been a weird tension between DH and I and his parents, the company was never easy and his father was openly hostile. After DD was born they took little interest in her/us and went out of their way to avoid us. They even told my DM that MiL felt extremely left out and hurt at my baby shower as she didn't get enough attention - wtf??

When I had to start making plans to return to work, MiL (who doesn't work) point blank said she couldn't take care of DD, so we moved closer to my parents as my mother had put plans in place to go part-time to share child care duties with DH and I. Since then MiL, to cut a long story short, has seemingly lost the plot, is totally affronted that we have moved closer to my family and hasn't been in contact since. DH is really upset but feels they should make the first move to contact us, as they have the problem, and we're better off without the hassle. It's really sad they feel this way as they're missing out on our awesome DD...

Please think about the bigger picture, as once a relationship breaks down it's really hard to repair x

[hopeful31yrs]

This sounds like my MIL. Her relationship with my DH has been a product of a distant childhood and the children had to deal with depression and divorce. If we go to see her she tries to buy our affections. If we don't she's quick to make plans but never follows it through and we then hardly see her. We've made every effort when we didn't have kids to keep and make contact. With kids we can't make time to run around the country to see them and the gap is starting to widen between us and them. We both work full time and can't run around trying to please everyone. My parents however are close, keep they're distance but are there if needed. My DH calls my mum more than I do as she has got the balance right.

We had IVF for our kids. It's personal. I don't mind people knowing but it's not a guaranteed process and you don't shout about every cycle in case something doesn't work. It's not for discussion as much as the having sex process of normal conception!

[WhooooAmI24601]

I have to say the "It's not his son" comment really hit hard. Is that genuinely how it is?

DH and I have a son together and one I had with my Ex. He adores both DCs to the point of ridiculousness and if in twenty years time he was to acknowledge that he doesn't really see DS1 as his son I'd be heartbroken. He's raised him since he was 2 years old; he's as much his father as he is DS2's. Your comment comes across so, so coldly. No wonder your poor son has begun to look elsewhere to put down roots; his own with you and your DH are clearly built on shaky ground.