To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

If you want to speak to them - call
If you want to see them - invite them
If you want to know how they are - ask

This. It hurts me immensely that I do all the running with my DM, and always have. I call every day. She's never even seen where I live (120 miles away) and despite having been invited, has no desire to come. It hurts. Please don't be like her.

Wow, so you're not going to even bother to try? Can see why they don't spend much time with you.

No of course it's not beyond repair. He's 30. Spend some time with them doing something fun and talking to them like friends. If you meet them half way you'll have a ton of in jokes soon enough.

I said I was going to text him later

Might be better to just send a "hi, was just thinking of you both, hope all well, fancy a catchup this week?" Text. If you go straight in on the ivf it might seem like you have an agenda.
Do you have whatsapp or something like that on your phone? I keep in touch with my overseas family on that and it's great. I doubt it's beyond repair, but you may need to ease in gently with no expectations or agenda. Just see how they are and be in touch more, then go from there. Good luck with it

TessieMec read back what you've wrote!

You can't have it both ways,you say they never contact you yet you admit you don't contact them and then you say because your busy with your other sons children.
Don't you think they could think that you don't want more contact with them?

Of course your DIL will be closer to her own family,they're her family,she's known them all her life.

My DH has always been closer to my parents than he is his own,that's nothing to do with me.
I've tried and tried to encourage him to speak to them more.
They live just over 4hours away from us,so every year we spend around £2,000 just on accomodation and petrol going to visit them.
It works both ways though,they could contact him more.

I know the reasons he gets on better with my family than his own and it sounds very familiar to what you've said,his Mum has never been very maternal not towards my DH or her Grandchildren where as my Mum and my Dad always treated my DH like they're own son,they really love him and our DC and it shows and he's always loved that about they're relationships with him and our DC.

His parents are very reserved as well,I love them both dearly and so do all of our DC but it can be really hard to have a conversation with them even if we haven't spoke to them for months.
We always have to be the one's that start the conversation and the one's that have to carry the conversation on,they can be very yes/no answers,it can be a real struggle.

My DH is also very close to my big brother,my brother's 20 years older than my DH and his relationship with my DH is like that of a big brother.
They're very close which I love.My DH has step brothers that he really loves and I'd love to get to know them and they're wifes and DC but they're all quite closed of as well.

With some of my DH's family I've found that although they may want a relationship with us we'll always be the one's that have to make the effort.

His Nan and a couple of his Aunties and one of his Uncles are the complete opposite and we have great relationships with him.

This message could have been written by my mum! I have 3 siblings - 2 brothers and a sister. In all instances the women arrange the social interactions and the blokes go along with it. I cannot tel you the amount of time my mum has complained about not seeing them/ grandchildren etc. She always blames the wife and I always have to remind her that they are grown men who clearly cannot be bothered/ too lazy / too under the thumb to make arrangements to see their own family. Personally I think the whole Christmas thing is v selfish but have you actually raised this with your son ? Have you invited them for Christmas? You cannot be passive about these things otherwise the proactive one in their relationship (dil) will clearly always make the arrangements to suit her. Ask them and if they say no ( likely) then you say ok ..... We'll do it next year then. Stake the claim. Maybe plan something "fun" that you think they might enjoy if you think that's the issue. Re the fertility issue why have you not asked your son about it? Grab a moment alone with him and ask specifically how it's going. You're not a stranger.... It's ok to ask about your children's lives. I fear that if you wait for him to tell you anything you'll be waiting a long time.

Texting him not the biggest gesture!

What interests do you have in common? Can you book a weekend somewhere you'd all enjoy?

You are going to text him later?

Why not call him?

The fact that you have written the relationship off as beyond repair suggests the fault is with you.

No way do you have your other grandkids that much you don't have time to call your other son. I have two kids of my own. And can still call loved ones.

Please don't resent your dil - especially as you say she is lovely and great with your son.
I can offer you a dil perspective. We live 5 mins from my in laws, but an hour from my parents. Of course we see my in laws more (2-3 times a week). The doesn't mean we like them any more, it's just practical. My Pils do quite a bit more babysitting for us because they live near by, my parents less so because it's just not easy when you live an hour away.
Have an honest chat with your son about how you'd love to spend more time with them. You'll probably find he'd love to (and your dil), but you've never asked.
You need to sort this out now because if/when they have children you will feel even more resentful if you don't feel you are seeing the grandchildren enough. And definitely ask your son about the fertility treatment! Assumption is a dangerous thing - they may not have told dil's parents any more than you if they are keeping it v private.
Best of luck!

OP the word resent is so emotionally loaded and unfair to your DIL . But I do understand your feelings . It is absolutely natural that she will be closer to her parents . Your son enjoys their company also . It is different now where the sons make the contact with their own birth parents and not the onus on his wife .
But I do get it . My DIL and her parents are lovely lovely people . And healthy and fairly wealthy . We are so not . Life limiting illness ,not much cash and not much energy . I feel envy when they go to Centre Parcs together and have barbecue nights . Who wouldn't ?
But it is what is . I am so delighted that my sons inlaws are so welcoming .
Frankly DH and I are not fun people to be around though we try of course .
What I do is text my DIL regularly and send funny e mails . Just connect .
I feel sad sometimes but then am so thankful that they have a fabulous support system and enjoy a close family unit . Not my fault but hey ho illness changes things .
Agree that maybe you are being seen as standoffish rather than not interfering . I am guilty of that. So yes make some plans with them and see how it goes . I do understand .

I echo other posters. It sounds like you haven't been making much effort either. My MIL lives a similar distance away and sometimes comments that she doesn't see us as much as she likes. But basically she expects us to do all the running and visit her all the time. It never occurs to her that with us both working full-time, having a toddler, and with another baby on the way, it might be nice if they come over to us sometimes. Literally I reckon they come to us maybe a couple of times a year (at most) but sulk if we don't go over to them every couple of weeks. I suspect your son and DIL see your 'not wanting to interfere' as not being very interested, especially if you are seeing your other son several times a week and looking after their kids, but never going to see them.

Tessie I think you might have gone too far with your wish not to pester them.

Look at it from the other pov - you spend a lot of time with the children of your other son, your son confides in you that they are having trouble conceiving and you don't even text or call to ask how things are going - how would that make you feel?

You need to make as much of an effort to keep a relationship with them. A text once a week just asking 'How are things?' or 'How are you and DIL?' is not pestering. It's opening lines of communication. It's a teeny tiny way to show 'I'm here, and if you need/want to chat I'm available.'

Also I facilitate most of our relationship with my MIL, but that was lead by her. She made a big effort. She was chatty and friendly and Ive always wanted to be very family orientated so that worked nicely. With ex's Mum I didn't initiate contact because ex and his Mum were very much a 'quick chat once a month'. Years and years later she and I had a long chat and she and I now speak weekly and text frequently about the girls. So you need to open the lines of communication and show that if they want an every day/every week relationship rather than very infrequently then you are very happy to have that.

Tessie, do you ever contact them and try and iniate something? Phone up and say 'would you like to come to lunch next Sunday? Or, could I visit you next weekend? Or, we would love to see you, shall we meet halfway for a pub lunch? Or do you phone up for a chat? Do you just sit and wait for them to contact you? In which case they may feel you are not interested. I have been together with my dh for about 17 years, and his mum (widow, no other children) never, ever invites us. Or suggests we go to her for Christmas, or phones up for a chat. It feels like all the effort has to come from us, and tbh you begin to wonder if she is that bothered. Sometimes she makes a cryptic comment like 'well you know where I am'. Is that her way of saying 'please come and visit again?' who knows. She lives about 2 hrs drive away, and my family in Ireland and we still see more of them because they are so much more welcoming and have always invited dh to join them for Christmas etc, even before we were married. MIL has never asked me to her home for Christmas, and it feels a bit odd to ask. She has never offered to help look after our child (her only grandchild) in emergencies, and we have been afraid to ask in case she felt it was an imposition on her because she has never hinted that she would like to be more involved. I had IVF and would not have considered for 1 second confiding in her, it is such a personal thing you do not want to share it with somebody who you are not close to. Maybe if you would like a closer relationship with your son and dil you just need to make the effort, pick up the phone, be interested in their lives and tell them you're like to see more of them. They may not magically know this.

Oh tessie don't play the wounded mother card. It will only act in the opposite way you want it to work. Your son is just a typical bloke getting on with his life. Men can be blinkard sometimes and seem careless.

If you want to be a active part of their life - be one.

Who doesn't act like a different person on their wedding day? It's a pretty unique day after all! And given you were all there together, two families uniting, what was stopping you from engaging in all the fun and friendliness at the time?

Of course it's not beyond repair. But call him tonight, don't text.

You sound like my in laws. Total disinterest which somehow gets twisted back on us. They've seen our son twice and never met our baby.. They just can't be bothered and it annoys them that we're close and friendly with my parents. I'd seriously make an effort if you want to be actively involved with potential grandchildren.

Sounds like there must be more to this op if you feel it's beyond repair

I actually feel for you OP, because I can see this happening with my brother and his new wife. They've never once visited, in 2.5 years, but spend every weekend going all over the UK to her extended family. We try and see him, try and talk to them, but are snubbed; we feel like second rate family.

I don't blame the wife, I blame my brother for being so besotted with her that he has dropped his family. I blame him for being crap at contact and I'm angry with him for disappointing our parents. But then maybe I'm an evil SIL.

Do your best to be in touch, that's all you can do.

We don't really have interests in common (my son even thinks politically differently since he's been married ) but I will invite them over soon.

I dont think you should text to only ask about IVF its a tricky subject. what if a round has just failed?

Why dont you ask simply how they are? you have not heard for a while...perhaps invite them over?

when your son met dil were you friendly to her, took an interest in her? asked her about her family? Tried to get to know her, made her feel at ease in your home?

But please do not in any way blame your dil for this, this is between you adn your son. all to often loose and shakey relations between men and their parents are simply exposed when a woman with a warm and friendly comes on the scene.

But op, your actions toward them seem like you don't care.
You haven't phoned up to see how it's going with the treatment. Your trying not to pry would just come across as disinterest to me.
Pick up the phone, invite them out for a meal. Ask your son about the IVF.
Get involved in their lives

Oh, jesus. You seem to have a problem with propriety - you don't quite get it. You mention "prying" twice in your OP. Sorry, but this isn't a colleague or an acquaintance - it's your child!

Show a bit of interest. And don't use the term "nasty girl". Really, don't.

Call them don't text