To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

'Favouritism'? Life doesn't work like that I'm afraid- you're all adults and free to spend as much or as little time with each other as you like.

Would you seriously rather force your son to spend more dutiful time with you at the expense of spending time he enjoys with other people?

Maybe focus on making the time spent with you enjoyable instead?

Just ask your son how the fertility treatment is going, he probably is feeling a bit offended you haven't asked since he told you. But make sure you don't ask in front of DIL just in case, as you say, he hasn't told her he told you. Then while you're having the conversation, ask him if DIL knows he told you about it.

Having had IVF myself, it's not surprising they're not volunteering regular updates because the routine is one of big ups and downs and it's exhausting going through them without also committing to updating people routinely....however it's fine to give a quick update when concerned family and friends ask, and I liked that they did ask, as long as they didn't do it too frequently (which you definitely haven't done).

I'm intrigued that you are surprised that a couple in their thirties interact with family "as if they are all friends". Did you have a very formal relationship with your own parents?

But they live closer... My in laws live 20 mins away. My parents live 3.5 hours away. It's not about who I prefer or don't but why would I restrict seeing my in laws to once every 5 weeks because that's what my parents get?

I always find, after some honest self reflection, that if I'm annoyed by something the fault lies with me.

It sounds to me like your attempt to give them a bit of space has come across as not caring.
I could be your dil. My inlaws are nice people but don't really make any effort (even though I know they care) and to be honest are hard to talk to. Our families are very different and my parents are very involved in our lives even though we now live in a different country and make a lot of effort to FaceTime and visit us etc.

Can you say to your son that you would love to see more of them and maybe suggest something you can all do together that can be a "thing"? ie. Like you go to Subday brunch together every couple of months or something?

I resent the fact that they don't split the time spent with in laws equally.

how can they when they live so far away?

Trying to put this nicely, I think you are as much to blame as your so . And dil isn't to blame at all.

In 6 months you haven't asked how treatment is going. So why is it strange that he hasn't said anything to you?

You don't call much so you don't want to 'harass' them, but expect him and her to call you more.

It's not your dils job to make sure they see you, or call you. Its your sons job and your job to contact him.

You have created a family that 'doesn't live in each others pockets' but now are upset that he married someone whose family is different. And now want your family dynamic to change, without talking it through.

A family relationship is built over years. Sounds like you regret your families dynamic.

Not wanting to sound harsh, but if I opened up to someone about having fertility problems / treatment and they then didn't touch base with me after to see how we were / how things were, I'd be so hurt. You see it as you not 'harassing' them but the flip side is potentially they think you don't care.

You say you aren't in each other's pockets but again they may see this as indifference.

This is all the more likely if DIL's family are naturally warm and all up in each other's business.

I can understand that you feel hurt, but you have to make an effort to foster good / closer relations yourself in order to achieve them. If your efforts are rebuked it's a different story maybe but it doesn't sound like you're there now.

And your resentment at DIL is totally misplaced.

They live five minutes away. Of course they are going to see them more. It's not like they can pop in for tea every afternoon when you're that far away.

Maybe invite them to you for Christmas Day?

My MiL tries to use me as the sole channel of communication with our bit of the family, and I have to keep (nicely but firmly!) pointing her back towards DH.

Lots of good advice here OP. As you say yourself, you wouldn't expect your DIL all the housework though she chooses to, similarly, it's not down to her to facilitate a relationship between her husband and his family.

Take the initiative and call, ask how things are. Invite them out to do something fun - wildlife park, beach, whatever is near you. Don't just wait to be approached.

For a minute there I thought you were my MIL!!

So I can see this from the DIL point of view and I don't see why this is her fault. DH and I are closer to my parents, but I love my MIL and I say to DH all the time that he should make more of an effort to speak to his mum. But I don't see it as my responsibility to maintain his relationship with his mother.

Similarly my Mum will ring me of we haven't spoken in a day or two, but for MIL it could be a week or two.

If you're not happy with the situation it sounds like you have the power to change it, and, as they say, actions speak louder than words. Get in touch and try to build up that 'friendship' with him.

So your dil is probably going through one of the most difficult times of her life, and you 'resent ' her for seeing her family. Nice

For all I know she could already be pregnant!

And? If a woman is pregnant, it's up to her when she lets that be known, to whom she chooses. If DIL was pregnant and told her mum first, to whom she's very close, that would be totally natural. You wait to be told when someone is pregnant at their preference, yes even if you are her MIL.

My mum is similar to you and thinks she has a right to know everything as soon as I know it, and is mightily put out if updating her isn't my first priority. Result - I've distanced myself because I don't like that attitude and the petulance I feel from her.

If your son and DIL prefer the company of her family, that is their choice, not "favouritism". And agree with others, why resent her more than your own DS? - it's his job to contact you, if anyone's.

There's some good advice on here. As someone from a family that is definitely not "fun" I would relish and really enjoy time with w family that was.

Would you be happy with your relationship with your son and DIL if her family weren't a factor? It does come across as though you're a bit jealous and while I do understand why the onus surely must be on you to make an effort. Have you tried doing more activities together rather than visits, which can be a bit boring if you're just sitting around chatting?

Also I cannot agree more with PP who said that it's not your DIL's responsibility to be in charge of building relationship with you.

And MiL never initiated calls or visits, it's always down to us. Which I think is so we don't feel pressured, but creates a different type of pressure to always make the running, which can be sooooo tiring at times

If you want to speak to them - call
If you want to see them - invite them
If you want to know how they are - ask

It's really simple and you are harbouring a ridiculous resentment through no fault of theirs

I would have a chat with your son. Tell him you'd like a closer relationship - I agree don't make it an us and them re the inlaws.

My mil feels the same as you I'm sure. Fact is my parents are just much nicer and more fun to be around. I see PILS once a week. We don't holiday with them - we do with my parents. But Mil refuses to get on a plane and likes to spend her hols in her caravan watching movies (fair enough, her choice).

We do however alternate Christmas Day (out of duty). I think your son isn't being fair re the current arrangements.

DH can spend as much time as he likes with them but a couple of hours once a week is my limit :)

It's not favouritism to spend time with people that you have better relationships with. We get on better with my parents - DH doesn't enjoy spending time with his mother. She feels that it isn't fair and resents me but honestly, her relationship with her son is nothing to do with me. There is a massive back story that I can't be bothered to go into, but we are adults and we are allowed to see the people we want to see.

Do you contact them and try to arrange visits/meeting up?

My MIL is lovely but almost too nice in not wanting to impose. I invite her and FiL as much as I invite my own parents, but then my mum invites herself (or offers to come and help with house stuff/babysit/go for a meal etc) so we seem them more. But it's not really favouritism!

Honestly, you need to make an effort! I was the DIL in this situation, ex in laws think they're 'not interfering' and 'not pushing themselves on me', it just comes across like they can't be bothered. They've had no contact with DS in over 3 years, I've spoken to them briefly during this time but I'm not going to be the one constantly initiating contact. Phone your son, or your DIL, ask to see them, ask when they're free, tell your son you hope the treatment is going well and that you'd like to hear more about it if they'd like to share.

I imagine your DIL's parents initiate contact, so it's hardly surprising they see them a lot more. If you want to be involved in their lives you need to act like it.

OP you sound just like my mother and I am sorry if this upsets you but the " not being maternal" and not "wishing to pry/ interfere" etc just comes across as a total lack of interest which over time can lead DC not wanting to waste any time bothering with you and instead turning to people who show they care and whom they have fun with. Being a martyr about a situation you have created does not warrant sympathy.
Speaking as a child of a totally disinterested mum I would say do something about it , now , before there is no going back and you lose them forever. Please try.

I could also be your dil, and I would argue that YOU don't call yet YOU want to be called. You don't invite them round yet you want to be included.
You expect your dil to foster the relationship while you do nothing.

YOU are to busy with your gc to make contact.

My mil never calls me, asks me round, doesn't call her son or him round. So we don't go.

And not wanting to interfere - showing lack of interest. You need to change your approach

As a MIL all I can say is it's up to you to keep in touch.
You're also giving conflicting messages as pp said, perhaps they think you're too busy with your dgcs to bother to make the effort?
My DDIL would obviously be closer to her parents, I wouldn't expect that same relationship (i do have a very god relationship I hasten to add!).

Thanks for the replies. I think some have you have misunderstood me at points but advice is good. I think it is beyond repair - I suspect my son doesn't act his true self when he is around me (I noticed that he seemed like a different person around friends, DIL and her family at their wedding for example). I'll send a text tonight to enquire about IVF