To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

[Oriunda]

DH and I started fertility treatment in 2004. We didn't tell a soul. Just as well, because it wasn't until 2011 that we finally managed to hold on to a pregnancy. Don't ask your son and definitely not your DIL - she is the one having to undergo medical treatment and it wasn't your son's secret to share in the first place. You'll know if it's been successful when they, hopefully, share news of a pregnancy.

[SeaCabbage]

Great post from FauxFox - yes, work out how youwould like things to be and see if you can make that happen.

[longdiling]

Are you happy with how often you see your son? You say you're not in each other's pockets and not maternal and admit you don't contact them loads yourself. Would you actually want the amount of contact they have with the dil's family? Your op reads as if you want them to see her family less rather than your family more - that's unreasonable. If you want to see your son more and have a closer relationship with him then that's down to you and him and nothing to do with the Dil.

[Dutchcourage]

Just ask tessie , you can ask your son how the treatment is going. I've had three rounds of IVF and wouldn't of minded mil asking.

It must be hard for you seeing your ds like this - almost as if 'going off' but I think most men are like this (well the ones I know) out of sight out of mind. I see my DGM who was like a mother to me most days and she will be coming over at Xmas, it's just purely because I am very close to her, nothing to do with leaving mil out, it's just that mil wasn't my priority. If Dh wanted her to come round more he should of said. So maybe this is the same situation for your ds?

Why don't you ask them over at Xmas.

He honestly won't prefer them to you it's just that DIL will activity arrange to spend more time with her parents which is completly natural, women think differently to men.

Don't fall in to the trap of resenting your DIL because of your ds behavour (if her parents want to treat their daughter like a princess that's their buisness) as it will take you down an unpleasant road. Myself and mil are NC as she got quite nasty and tried to throw her weight around all because she felt left out and insecure.

Why don't you plan some Bec dats out this summer and get them involved

[GertrudeBelle]

I think in times past the daughter/-in-law would take responsibility for communications with both sets of parents.

It's not how it works these days.

I call/email/send photos/make arrangements to see my family. DH does the same with his. If there's a meet up then of course we both muck in and it's lovely to catch up with the other side of the family.

In this case your DH is the one who is letting you down. He should be the one telling you about IVF and arranging dates for visits. If that doesn't happen it is his fault, not your DIL's.

[Dutchcourage]

Nice days**

[Cantplaywontplay]

Send your son an email (or letter) and after some chatty stuff say that you really hope the fertility treatment is going well and that you know it can be very hard, and that you'd like to know more about it IF they're happy to talk about it.

[Hensintheskirting]

You sound a bit like my in laws. They never want to "interfere", know we're busy so "don't want to harass" us, don't want to "pry" etc. Actually, it sometimes feels as though they don't care. They don't invite us round (assume we're busy), don't phone (as before), never ask any real questions when they do see us. You have to make the effort OP. Invite them for Christmas "we've never spent Christmas Day together - we'd love to have you round and spoil you". Be less formal, make jokes, be fun, speak to them as though they're your friends and you care. Come on OP, make an effort.

[Costacoffeeplease]

You resent your DIL because your son has a good relationship with his in-laws? Would you rather he was unhappy?

Why not resent your son for spending more time with them, why is it the DIL's fault?

Stop being a bloody martyr

[FeckinCrutches]

Maybe he's jealous of your relationship with his brother if you're too busy to contact him when you're looking after your grandchildren?

[Fomalhaut]

It's natural that they see her parents more if they're closer - they are convenient and they can hardly not see them just to make the times equal.

But I have ask - why resent your dil? Why is it her fault? It's your son's responsibility to arrange to meet you, not hers. If you're going to resent someone it should be him. Why does it fall on the woman to do all this? Dh does the presents/visit arranging for his lot and I mine.

I notice you also look after your other sons kids- perhaps he feels you favour them? If you want to be more involved then you need to be proactive. Call, visit, Skype, be more involved.

[Discobabe]

Tbh I think it's fairly normal that they spend so much time with her parents when they live so much closer. I see my mum 2-3 times a week, we're close, I don't see it as ott. We don't see our inlaws anywhere near as often purely just because logistically it's not as easy because they are further away.

Whilst you feel they favour dil parents it may be they feel you favour your other son as you spend a lot of time with his children and they don't like to impose on you either?

I think you should try contacting them more frequently and inviting them to visit/offer to go there and see what happens.

[TurtleEclipseofTheHeart]

If you "aren't very maternal" towards your DS is it any wonder that having forged a good relationship with his PILs he prefers their company?
There are so many threads on mumsnet about people going low contact with family members they don't get on too well with; perhaps DIL comes from a relaxed, warm family and as a couple they enjoy being a part of that but are actively not pursuing a similarly close relationship with you because they just don't want to? I think it is unreasonable to expect them to spend as much time with you as with her parents if neither of them want that! If he wants to see you more and she is stopping him, or if he doesn't like her family and sees them all the time then that's a different matter.

[chinam]

Imagine the post from your son. I told my mother six months ago that we were undergoing fertility treatment. Not once in all that time has she made any effort to contact me to see how we are. AIBU to think she has no interest in our lives? .

[Magstermay]

This sounds like a similar situation to my family except I'm the DIL . We see a lot more of my parents since we had our DSs.
My MIL is lovely and I'm happy to go and see her/ have her here BUT in the 8-9 years I've lived with DH she has been here twice (after each DS was born). Admittedly she lives a long way away and doesn't drive but she is always welcome. She never phones, pretty much never texts so DH thinks that if she can't be bothered why should he keep making the effort. We invited her for Christmas, she decided not to come so we went to my parents.
My parents on the other hand come down every week because they want to (still 2.5h away), we keep in touch as we message each other. Consequently they know more about what's going on.

What I'm saying in a very long winded way is that my parents make the effort to keep in contact so we see them/ discuss stuff. MIL doesn't so we rarely see her/ she doesn't know stuff. It's not up to your DIL to instigate contact, if you want to be involved it's up to you to keep in contact/ go and see them.

[MrsBobDylan]

Yabu. You don't contact them much, you live further away than dils parents and you look after your other GC for a few days a week. It's perfectly reasonable as to why you see them less.

Also, and this is the bit you should take on board if you really want to change the status quo, you DS and dil will will sense your righteous indignation at not getting enough attention. Don't kid yourself that because you haven't raised it verbally, they won't be fully aware of how resentful you feel.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

Do you make any effort? MIL and SIL resent me hugely and we spend a lot more time with my parents than with them. The uncomfortable truth is, DP prefers spending time with my family, and my family actually make the effort to visit us or arrange for us to visit them. We can't visit MIL and SIL without a guilt trip about us having a baby unexpectedly when it was "SIL's turn" and various other bollocks, and they never make the effort - when we do visit, we're given a list of other people we need to visit, with no consideration for the fact that we have DD and they don't have children.

We've stopped making the effort now, and they resent us even more, but they've just expected us to make the effort all along and it's grated a bit now. I'm imagining if they're going through fertility treatment, they're busy and stressed and don't have the time to see you if you don't seem that interested.

[Kummerspeck]

Being the mother of an adult son is not easy as you want to be close but don't want to be "one of those MILs". I sometimes think we spend so much time walking on eggshells, trying not to interfere, that we hold ourselves back too much

I don't know the answer to this but suspect I would make an effort to contact them a bit more and try to build up your relationship with them rather than looking jealous of her parents. I do think couples being closer to the wife's family just seems to be the way things are so you may not be likely to ever be as close a part of their lives as her parents but there is nothing to stop you ringing them a bit more, suggesting the odd visit or issuing an invitation here and there

[bloodymaria]

Pull your socks up, take the initiative and build the relationship with your DS/DIL into what you want it to be. There's no use getting yourself upset and grumbling about it when it's perfectly within reason to change what's making you unhappy. You can be their friends too!

[InionEile]

This sounds more like it is driven by your DS than your DIL. You say that you are not very maternal and your DS isn't very close to his brother so maybe your DIL just has a closer type of family so your DS has fallen in line with that. There is no pressure from your side so it's easier for him to just do whatever is the norm for his wife.

Why not just check in with your DS and ask him how things are going? Invite him around for lunch on Sunday or something. It sounds like your family are more reserved in personality type so your DS might not know that you are feeling excluded. Your DIL is not at fault here though.

[CookieDoughKid]

You need to put your neck out and invite then over. Phone them. Really its got to come from you to show some interesting!

You sound just like my mil who said about her other DIL:
"Well they don't bother with us so we don't bother with them".
Which is why I don't bother with then either with that attitude.

It's too much hard work this tit for tat.
I see my second cousins and great aunts and even further distant family more regularly than my mil. As they make the effort without expecting anything back. And they go to the trouble of hosting BBQs, family dinners and it's well, just so jolly and a lot less formal!

Reach out and do something as do nothing will just make your resentment greater. It's not justified - you can be better than that! !

[fastdaytears]

YABVU

Imagine the opposite. Your DS and DDIL might feel quite sensitive about babies and you are very wrapped up in your existing GC. You haven't asked after their treatment. If your son told you then you can ask him. No need to ask DIL directly, but if DS is forthcoming you could ask if he thinks it's ok for you to mention to DIL.
If you want to see them then suggest some things to do with them.
favouritism made me . Infant teachers are not allowed favourites but adults are. If you spend more time with one person than another then it's natural that you'll get on better with that person.

[LittleReindeerwithcloggson]

I see my mum 4-5 times a week and talk to her on the phone at least once a day. She looks after our children twice a week. I see MIL once a month at most. MiL is ok but hard to talk to. No common interests at all and doesn't know how to have fun/joke about etc. My family are the complete opposite! Even my DH has openly said that he loves his mother but much prefers to spend time with my family. We go on holiday regularly with my parents but no way would I go away with MIL.
I think you need to look at your own behaviour. Why would they want to spend time with you if it's not enjoyable? Talk to them, invite them out for dinner or barbecue etc. Maybe do something together you all enjoy - day at the races, national trust property or something similar.

[Chewbecca]

I suspect your 'not prying' comes across as 'not interested'. You can change this if you want to, don't wait for your son/DiL to instigate the change, they probably think this is the relationship you want.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP I think you need to find a way forward on this. If they do have kids you are going to be even more resentful that her parents will inevitably be more involved.

I order if you can speak to your son - tell him that you want to see more of them but don't know how to start. Please don't write a letter or an email - tone can be so easily mis read.

Also, I've been through IVF. Cycles can take months - hormone shut down, ramp up, egg collection, ICSI, embryo transfer, 2 week wait. We didn't keep anyone updated, it was too awful. Just told them when there was something to tell them. Please just give them space, but maybe again clarify with your son that you of course care, but you're giving them space and assuming they'll tell you when they have news, but if he or they do want to talk in the meantime you'll be there.

Good luck