To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

I am not saying that IS the case, but its equally ridiculous to put all the blame on the OP

It's irrelevant, however. The OP is upset: she wants relationships to be different to how they currently are. The DIL, from context, isn't upset, and doesn't see any reason to change. So whoever's "fault" it it, unless the OP is going to be made happier by knowing she is blameless, the only way things are going to change is at the OP's behest, because she's the one with the problem she wants to solve.

Agree with you there Cuboid. Much of the thread has been about whose 'fault' it is, when the real need of the OP is advice on how to gain better access to her them, and especially later on if GCs come along.

If the DIL manages to get pregnant, I think that could give the OP a real opening and a chance to become more involved unless the DIL is absolutely determined to exclude her (hopefully not). Wholehearted delight at the pregnancy is an absolute must in this case!

Correction: them

Where is it indicated that the DIL has excluded her? You just made huge assumptions about this woman.

You still haven't explained WHY it is the DIL responsibility to sort this out for the OP and her DS

Relationships between adult parents and children are established in childhood not adulthood imo.
If you aren't close with your ds now it's because a close relationship wasn't established when he was a child.
If you want it to change then I think you need to talk to him honestly about it and see if your relationship is capable of change.
It may be that he harbours anger and resentment from his childhood and he doesn't want to establish a close relationship with you any more.
Or it may be that he would dearly love to improve things.
You won't know unless you talk to him about it.

Startrek
I said neither of the things you attribute to me.

Woofle
We dont know if the OP was not close to her DS when he was younger. You are making a huge assumption there. They may have drifted apart only since he met the DIL.

This is yet more blaming the MIL and the son when we just do not know!

We dont know if the OP was not close to her DS when he was younger. You are making a huge assumption there. They may have drifted apart only since he met the DIL "I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal"

The OP has been given loads of practical advice, i.e. work on nurturing your relationship with your son primarily, and then DIL, rather than scapegoating the time they spend with the ILs for your distant relationship. Oh and don't demand equal christmasses, if your relationship was better, it'ld progress organically to sharing more special occassions