To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

OP obviously doesn't like our replies and is licking her wounds sulking think it is time to put the thread to bed

I haven't RTFT but I'm a MIL. I have two daughters and one son. I see much more of my daughters and their kids than I do my son, and my DIL and son see much more of her family. My DIL is the best I could wish for but, much as I love my son, I accept that daughters are usually closer to their mothers than sons. (I know this isn't always the case.) It must be hard when you don't have a daughter but it's normal for a daughter to want to spend more time with her own mother than her MIL. Don't take it to heart but keep making the effort to keep in touch and don't make things awkward between you all.

It is great that your DS and DIL are close to DILs family - they are going to need some loving support and light relief if they are going through IVF. The question is - how can you do some of that yourself so that your relationship feels less stilted?

Here's a thought - how are you with technology? Do you have a mobile phone, so you could drop a warm 'thinking of you - how's your day going?' text to DS from time to time? If that channel of communication is open, its much easier to build up contact gently, so it doesnt seem weird if you invite them over some time, or go out to do something nice together.

Tbh, I find it very frustrating that my DM and DF have a mobile phone, but carry it turned off, and refuse to learn to text so I can't send them sweet little messages, photos or updates about their GC. They won't join FB either or use email either (they are much older than you). So if I want to send them a photo I have to send it to be printed, write a letter by hand, find a stamp, put it in the post. If I want to talk with them, they like to fix a phone appointment at a time which is convenient for them.

I am generally running round like a blue arsed fly (ft working mum) so I don't do either very often. But then they complain that my PIL seem to know all our news first and have lots of photos of DC! Argh!

That's ridiculous! Plenty people in their 90s use Skype and email. Email is just like using a typewriter with a proper keyboard , there's really no excuse for not using it via a laptop or tablet .

Tessie this sounds very similar to how things are within my family. My DH and I have been together just over 6 years and we have a completely different relationship with my family to what we have with his family. we spend a lot more time with my family than we do with his more because DH's family just don't seem interested.

We've recently had our first baby and both DH and I were really upset by his family's reaction to the news when we told them we were pregnant. We had been trying for ages and ended up having fertility treatment which they were aware of. They very, very rarely asked us how things were going so we assumed they weren't interested and didn't talk to them about it. When we eventually fell pregnant and told them, their reaction was 'oh right' which really hurt DH's feelings (this was the first grandchild)

I had a difficult pregnancy but throughout the 9 months they rarely asked us how things were going, was the baby kicking etc so we assumed they weren't interested and didn't talk about it.

Unfortunately this has carried on now our DS is here. As a result we don't go and see them often and they never come to us (I can probably count the number of times they've come to our house over the past 6 years on one hand!) we don't have a very good relationship with them due to how things have progressed over the years. We've always been expected to make the effort and they've never been interested in what is happening with us so we've drifted apart from them.

My family are the polar opposite. We spend quite a bit of time with them because they invite us to dinner, come over to our house, go out for the day. I know my PIL are jealous of the time we spend with my family as they make no effort to hide it. Unfortunately they're just not willing to meet us in the middle.

I wish things hadn't of gotten as bad as they've become for both my DH and DS sakes.

Try to communicate with your son and DIL more often, invite them for dinner, days out etc. Ask you son about the fertility treatment if you feel uncomfortable asking DIL, at least then they/he will know you're interested and care about the wanted outcome. I hope you manage to sort things out before they get too bad. I feel for you but I also know what it must be like for your DS and DIL.

Talking from the other side my husband's parents are useless they never phone saying they don't want to bother us. Never visit and show no interest in our lives.
If I were u I would ring when you want, ask questions show that you care as you not wanting to bother probably comes across as I don't care as that's how I feel. The less dh parents make an effort the less I do.

Awwwwww bless ya. Hugs for feeling left out. You need to ve organised and start yr own traditions with them of doing things. Don't compete with the other parents but make sure you organise time with them regularly. I haven't read all the thread so others have probably already said this but my husband was awful with his parents at first but improved when they booked us in for time with them. have cake

Id be really upset if my mil hadnt asked about what can a very traumatic time. Though I get you should talk to your son the fact you haven't been able to as you dont feel comfortable with it is rather telling. Its not your dil's job to bring you together with your son.

My personal philosophy is that no one, NO ONE, owes me anything especially social comfort. There are no rules saying people are obliged to be my friend or spend time with me. Could you try contacting them and offering them some engagement? Gratis of all expectation.

My DSS moved out and used to visit regularly although he was an hour away. In the holidays I looked after his DS when he had him for access and I thought we were really close. Then he met my DIL and everything changed. Her DM started looking after DGS because she was closer and it meant DGS saw more of his Dad so although I was slightly disappointed I understood. Just after he met DIL, Xmas was on the horizon and we were talking about arrangements. We have never expected our kids to come home for Xmas because it is theirs too and if they want to spend it somewhere else, we feel they shouldn't have to worry about us. They all know they have an open invite if they would like to come. We always have an Open House for family on Boxing Day but once again it is fine if they don't want to come although the majority do. We explained what we did as a family and she told us that her DM would go mad if they didn't go to hers on the actual day so it was just as well we wouldn't be offended. The idea that any mother would go mad is a bit of a foreign concept but if they are happy, then so be it. Her parents seem really nice but all their kids seem to be expected to fall into line and they do.

Over the years, it appears that the apron strings have not been cut with her parents and that is fine if it was was DSS wanted. He was happy at first but would like a bit more time on their own and with us. It is so difficult, if he does get his own way, she is obviously not. My DH and I have discussed it often but think we can only do our best to find ways to connect but, in the end, it is up to DSS to sort it out.
Although I think I have a great relationship with all my SC, she can't get her head round that you don't have to be the "wicked stepmother". It seems that when ever we are together, no matter how hard I try to be friendly, somehow there is always something I have said that has upset her. The rest of the family who know me well are usually stunned she has taken offence. A couple of times I have written to her and apologised for any upset I may have caused but I've come to the conclusion she must be looking for it most of the time.

OP, I think you can only let both your DIL and DS know you would like to see them more and make some meeting suggestions, maybe half way along the route. They aren't psychic and would probably appreciate it more than you would know.

We alternated Christmas until we had kids. Now we have Christmas at home and everyone is invited if they want. Inlaws were always at their home for Christmas with invited family. My family were always at home for Christmas, never invited anyone and if anyone did come my dad would be pretty bent out of shape about it.

So how could they possibly expect us to alternate?

Despite this, my family who live 4 mins drive away still manage to pick something to make a drama about around Christmas. They can't pick not alternating as they always see us.

Feels like they just chose to see the worst in any situation.

They won't join FB either or use email either

Life's about choices, isn't it? And those choices may well have consequences.

You say perhaps it doesn't occur to her that she visits her family and not you. Her family might be closer than you are to your son. Her mum might ring and say 'hey fancy coming round for a coffee?' 'Do you and dh want to come over for dinner tomorrow?'
She probably does live there to be close to parents, that's not unusual.
You come across as quite unwelcoming and formal and they probably respect that and keep their distance knowing you are like that. Do you invite them round? Have you asked them to come at Christmas? Do you ring/FaceTime regular just to see how they are?
At the end of the day it's the relationship between you and your son that needs to change, it's nothing to do with dil and its up to you to put the work in

You reap what you sow. If you haven't had a close relationship with your son then it will show as they get older.
However if other PiL indulge and spoil them, that might explain why they visit a lot.
Rebuild relationships, ask them over, do things together!

I have a similar situation with my DH, we used to live 30 mins from my PIL. Two years ago my DH and I got the opportunity to move closer to my folks (3 hours away for PIL) it made sense as I could commute to London for work, both DH and I could get much higher salaries and house prices are quite low in comparison. We lived with my folks for 8 months before we got pregnant with our DD, shortly after we bought a house and moved into it 11 months after our original move.
The entire 11 months my PIL never made comment about coming to visit, once we moved they came up once as a couple before our DD was born (MIL came up for baby shower when I was 36 weeks but she was awful and said all I did was moan moan moan!). Since DD was born they've been to visit twice in 10 months, once right after she was born and they stayed less than 24 hours and once when she was baptised.

On the other hand my folks live 15 minutes down the road, we see each other most weekends, my mother spent the first 6 weeks of DD life helping me at home (I had an ELCS), has taken DD for the day once a week and will have her 3 days a week when I go back to work. Also we have just come back from a holiday with my family.

My PIL expect us to haul the baby down to see them, not easy as you can expect, and see no issue with not coming to see us.

How often do you arrange to go to them? Perhaps if you made the effort they would welcome you and include you more?

It's worth noting as well that daughters have different relationships with their parents than sons.

See now, this annoys me.
This is the Emotional Labour thing isn't it? It's the DIL's job to keep in touch because she is the woman and that is Woman's Work.
A lot of us buy into this bullshit. Myself included in the past.

If you want a better relationship with your DGCs, you need to get a better relationship with your son. Just because he's married with kids doesn't mean you stop speaking to him.

I know it's hard to impose on his new life, but you are allowed to ask them how they are!

And she is not responsible for him being shit at keeping in touch.

Sorry, just to be clear. I'm not annoyed with OP, just with this Emotional Labour thing in general.

I don't think you make enough effort to be involved. you think you are giving them space but I think its coming across as being cold and keeping her at arms length. maybe you need to open up more and take the initiative to arrange things etc.

A lot of us buy into this bullshit. Myself included in the past.

My mum used to moan about this. Her being expected to facilitate the relationship with dads family, do their gifts etc. I used to ask 'why do you do it?' She always responded with 'it's just how it is and you will do it one day'

First thing I told dh when we decided to live in together was 'no way I am doing the running for your family, you sort your family and I'll sort mine'

And it's advice I have given to my Dd too. I think it's something we definitely need to stamp out.

Yes, I did exactly the same bran. My DH very rarely remembers family birthdays - including his own DF's 70th. I find it mortifying - but with 20 folks to keep track of on my side of the family, I can't do his too. It really makes me feel awful though because my PIL are SUCH lovely people

My Dad used to complain about my brother spending more time with his wife's family than him, I'm sure he complained about me spending time with dhs family too.
I was never really close to dad, he'd been there very little growing up, he'd say he was busy with step brother and his wife so didn't see us much when we were kids, I'd try ringing him to chat but he was always distant and it was strained, he was very judgemental and visiting him was a strain to be honest, I felt like a guest in my fathers own home.
He never complained about not seeing me much until he saw being happy with another family. Same with my brother. Brother lives in same street as his pils, they see them everyday, they look after my nieces and nephew, my Mum never complains because brother is still close with her, he rings during the week and every fortnight we all meet for lunch. She's happy that my brother is happy and has a second family who love him as much as we do.

I feel sorry for you and I can understand why you're upset but it does sound like you don't make an effort and that's where the problem lies. It's not your DIL's fault it's your sons responsibility and yours. Word of advice, women often have the say in these matters in relationships (not right but just the way it is for a lot of couples) so make friends with her! Closeness between you and your DIL will automatically bring you back together as a family. Good luck X

OP your post could have been written by my mother, except its SIL and his family. From the child's perspective all this 'dont want to pry/interfere' business does not come across well. If you want to be friends with your son and his wife you need to act friendly. I see you complaining but so far what have you done to let them know you want their company? I expect they go over for lunch etc because they are invited

You say you resent her, how do you feel about him? He's your son, surely it's a conversation you need to be having with him, rather than directing all in your mind at DIL

I do get that you're tactful enough to not hassle them at weekends etc, but maybe to them it comes across that you don't care.

Why not try to mend some bridges and invite them over for Sunday lunch or a takeaway or something?

To add, girls generally (although not all of course) are close to their mums and spend a lot of time with them. I have nothing in common with my MIL and don't spend any time with her, she's nice enough but she's not someone I want to make idle chit chat with or to divulge personal parts of my life to.

If you sort out a closer relationship with your son ( late in the day as it is) I'm sure the rest will follow.