To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

Don't give up TessieMec but go easy, I was very close to my dm, saw her every or nearly every day after first ds born, certainly spoke most days. Turns out my dh had real problem with that esp as he worked away a lot, not bec it favoured her over his dm but just his own insecurity. As I tried to balance the two each pushed harder, was total nightmare. I was stuck in middle. DH lost the plot, DP lost the plot, took us to court, now PIL died, my DP alive but effectively banned. Incredibly sad, not day goes by I don't miss DM, DF. DC were all dragged into it. So just go easy, offer, don't demand. Not suggesting yr DIL trying to cut you out but just cut everyone some slack and don't do anything rash that can't be made right. Maybe think about things you could do together to show a more informal side? Maybe just pick up a small gift for DIL when you next see something small and not expensive but funny and personal and send it to her with a note "saw this and thought of you". Try to set something up for you and DIL apart from yr DS so u have the connection with her. Surprise them all. You can do it, just come at it from a different angle.

DH and I always spend Christmas alone. We like to have a stress free day of opening presents in our pyjamas, watching crap TV and cooking Christmas dinner half cut on prosecco

We visit PIL on Boxing Day because they live ten minutes down the road, then my parents (1.5 hours away) a couple of days later. What I 'should' do doesn't even factor into it for me, we do what we enjoy.

Sorry but you're being very very unreasonable. Don't know about their pregnancy? Ask. Wonder why they spend more time with DILs family? Maybe they make an effort to socialise with the couple. Have you tried doing the same? If not then you don't have a leg to stand on. The relationship between you and your son/DIL should very much be a give and take. No point sitting here feeling sorry for yourself when you've not mentioned if you have made the effort with them, which I assume you haven't otherwise it would be mentioned and we'd be talking a whole different ball game.

Take some time out a to cultivate a relationship with your son rather than expecting him to make all the effort.

And so what if DIL's parents treat her like a princess? What's that got to do with your situation?? Sound a lot like you're just plain jealous. Maybe her parents show their love to her a lot more than you do to your son.

Stop blaming your DIL. She's not the problem.

My PIL are like you.

'I can't be arsed to do anything of any kind for you or your family so I will dress it up as not interfering but whine behind your back about you not making enough of an effort.'

Grow up. If you want to have a relationship with them, make an effort and let them know you care. And be willing to put yourself out to have that relationship.

If you don't, they are perfectly entitled to have it with those members of their family who do give a damn.

I live very near my parents and two hours away from my parent in laws. I often felt that my Mother in law is jealous of the amount of time we spend with my parents.

Firstly a daughter is always likely to want to spend more time with her parents - especially when they live so close - so on that score you need to just accept this.

Secondly it sounds like your own son may find being around her parents is a more relaxing and fiendly affair - so make sure you try to also enable them to be relaxed around you. I don't find being at my MIL's relaxing at all. I have always made a big effort to get on with her but it is hard work being at hers and her way of life feels uncomfrotable and alien to me.

Also it is your sons responsbility to make sure they see you enough, so stop resenting your DIL that won't help and she may even pick up on it, I certainly have with my MIL.

I have had years of illness and my MIL barely asked about me or how I was. She may have seen this as not prying but we felt she didn't really care that much. So ask how things are more often. Ring them more often, There is a big difference between imposing and not bothering.

It is my guess that they think you are not that bothered about them and that it is just easier and more relaxed to be around her parents. You can do something about that. But never expect the time spent with you to be equal to that of her parents. They live near them so they will always spend more time at theirs - that is just the way it is.

Sounds like you don't have a good relationship with your son I'm afraid and unless you make an effort to get on better and be nicer and more maternal this will not change and will not get better over time. My partner's mother is not maternal and she asks us in a very demanding unfriendly way to grace her with our presence as she'd desribe it. She has not been kind and grandmotherly to our children and is very judgemental. Guess how often we see her. Once or twice a year out of duty. However, I do also think it's the unfortunate thing of having sons rather than daughters. Daughters are usually closer to their families.

OP you could be my MIL!
My PIL accused my DH (their DS) that he is having too much fun with my family!
WTAF?
How petty is that?

Meals at PIL's get spent in complete silence, they never ask about our life. The most they asked about their DS job was what he has for lunch!
I don't think they know what fun means, it's sad really, but we see them out of obligation and not because we enjoy their company and that goes even more for DH.

If your DS prefers to spend time with his PILs and not you, (and it's not just a distance issue) then you should think where have you gone wrong. And your DIL is the last to blame in this.

Also my MIL would show no interest in me and almost go out of her way to be rude and over the years made it clear she resented me. I'd tell her things and she'd always make it about her and brag about her achievements. She may not be horrible, but she behaved like a really horrible unkind woman. She never asks her son about himself, how he is, I guess she would say she doesn't like interfering, but drones on about herself and can't understand why no one bothers with her.

I'd make more of an effort. They don't have to split time equally at all. Sorry, but it sounds really petty. You don't have custody of them.
My MIL probably felt the same about us six years back. Now we hardly see her at all - probably once every 18 months and she barely knows her grandchildren.
You can't blame her. He's a grown man. I think you need to work on your relationship with him.

You sound like my parents in law. The fact is they don't ever ask about/contact/visit us and my husband (now in his 30s) has had to harden his heart against it. He's turned into the son my parents never had because they do open themselves up and get in touch with us regularly. It's much more of a 2 way street rather than the card-at-Christmas type relationship.

My advice- drop your son and daughter a text every now and again, an "I saw this and thought of you" card or joke or whatever, invite them out "I have a spare ticket to XYZ do you fancy it?"... You need to build your relationship.

liara has it about right: "I can't be arsed to do anything of any kind for you or your family so I will dress it up as not interfering but whine behind your back about you not making enough of an effort."

you sound just like my dear mother OP. Constantly bitching and moaning to her friends about what a vile, ungrateful brat I am and how she never sees me, how she would have done anything for her parents, etc. - but when it comes to actually having a relationship with me and DH, all she will do is bitch censoriously about other people, talk about herself, or be distantly rude and snide to us. She makes no attempt whatsoever to actually have a relationship with either of us, while saying in a rude and critical manner "oh well, I don't want to interfere with YOUR life, you obviously are too busy to host ME properly". In nearly 6 years of us living a short plane ride away she and my father have visited once, and complained and bitched the entire time they were here, running down and caricaturing everything they encountered as being parochial and shit in comparison to the great cosmopolitan metropolis where they live. And constantly criticized everythig about our house, my cooking, my housekeeping, my job, etc.

I told her last week I am pregnant with her second grandchild (first on this side). So far there has been one reference to it by email: "Congratulations." In two phonecalls of an hour each, she has torn other people to shreds, wittered about trivialities - and not brought it up once. And talked across us every time we try to say anything at all.

And yet she'll moan endlessly about how the inlaws know everything about our lives and have been to our house when she hasn't, etc etc. That might be because the inlaws actually make the effort to visit, and hold actual conversations when they talk to us, and enjoy themselves when they visit. The inlaws have been delighted to hear about the grandchild and have offered help, happiness and general jubilation. My mother is already complaining to anyone who'll listen about how much more involved they are.

Frankly, the more she behaves like this, the less I want to do with her - and the more the inlaws behave like they do, the more I want to do with them.

Strange replies from OP ' I'll invite them over soon'

Frankly, the more she behaves like this, the less I want to do with her - and the more the inlaws behave like they do, the more I want to do with them.

This with bells on!

Me: "I'm pregnant again! 13 weeks!"
My mother: "oh! 13 weeks! am I the last to know?"
My MIL: makes sqeely noises "oh I can't believe it, that's so exciting, congratulations darling"

And my mothers wonders why she's not the first one I pick up the phone to if I want to share some new excitement!

The more I read of this thread the more this MIL sounds like the kind of annoying person who I would not want anything to do with, like the world owes them something - selfish, jealous, petty and wallowing in their own chosen misery because they can't actually be bothered, but describes DIL as living in her DP's pockets unlike her DS, but it sounds like she doesn't want it that way anyway, but seems bothered by it suggesting to me she does want it the same, but is too screwed up and petty to change things. Sad really.

And to not keep in touch asking how your DS's wife's fertility treatment is going even if you don't ask her directly says it all really. The most important thing going on in their lives and all you're concerned about is who knows first

Adulting your MIL sounds a sweetheart...

Glad to see that the OP has had a few more measured, kindly replies today. Interesting that people don't seem to have noticed - or perhaps aren't at all bothered - that the OP (quite understandably) disappeared more than half the (very long) thread ago. I think this post has simply been an excuse for a lot of people to project their own issues with their in-laws on to the OP, who is clearly not perfect but whoever she is does not deserve this massive amount of negativity. The more I read, the more the whole thing leaves a nasty taste.

The OP doesn't sound like she wanted the advice and sounds like the cause of her own problems and is not taking responsibility. You're right about projecting our own situations too, sadly many MILs are like this and are stubborn.

Yes I absolutely am projecting

Because I know that if my lovely MIL (god forbid) dropped of the face of the planet in the morning.. that wouldn't = more Christmases with my mother. It wouldn't open up a vacancy for more time spend with my mother, because seeing people we like isn't the reason we see less of her

My mother doesn't get Christmas day because my mother is not enjoyable company for me. And the only people responsible for that relatinship are me and her, not DH, and not MIL

But how is that fair on the OP, if you're projecting? Whatever your own parents/PIL have done or not done, isn't it fair to try and look at what the OP has said objectively? If you're on MN posting for help or advice would you just want people to come on and say 'Oh you sound like someone I don't like, I bet you're just as horrible as they are. Stop being horrible'? Because that's what a lot of these replies sound like to me.

From the OP: Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

and yes, lots of us have been involved in this dynamic… isn't that what the OP asked for?

The problem with your question about Christmas is that it is coming across that you want to invite them to make things 'fair'.

In your position, I would be happy that they want to see you on Boxing Day and I would go about making that a very special day. No harm in saying to your DS1 that DS2 will be there on Xmas day and you would be absolutely delighted if they could come that day too, but you understand that they usually go to PILs and that's ok. It just sounds a little as if you wanted to guilt them into spending every other Christmas Day with you?

I have a married friend with divorced and re-married parents, so potentially a three-way pull at Christmas. She always says 'Thank goodness for Dad, who doesn't care WHEN he sees us as long as he sees us'.

Sure, but I bet she was hoping for replies that, while they might be critical, might also be dispassionate and helpful, rather than simply heated, rudely dismissive or just plain bitchy (not saying that all replies are one or all of these things, btw, but an awful lot of them are).

(that was to Adulting, btw)

I wonder if they feel like me, where your Ds still wants you to do that parent thing of calling to ask how he is how's his day? And to take an interest . I feel like I'm bothering my parents cos they are too busy .