To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

honestly thought everyone did alternate christmasses! To anyone who doesn't- how does this go down with families?

That's wilfully naive, not everyone has the same family model as you.

Families respect our decisions, because we are adults.

My MIL has 11 children (most of whom are married with up to three of their own children) I imagine she is delighted that we don't all go every other year...

But then I wouldn't know exactly how she feels about it because we've never actually been invited for Christmas!

We were never invited to spend Christmas at my In laws - when I first started seeing DH his grandparents asked him to continue going for Christmas dinner but not me . Dh did for a few years but then wanted to join in the all day fun with my family. We moved 3 hours away from them all 20 years ago, the first couple of years we would still go back to spend the day with my family, and then we would be summonsed to visit in laws but at a time and day of their choosing, as they were busy seeing other members of the family. Never any food or drink offered and it would be for a maximum of 2 hours before they made it plain they had other things to do. After a couple of years we just stopped going back and began to enjoy Christmas again. It's a much quieter Christmas now the family are growing up but it also isn't just one day - it's an excuse to dress up and visit or be visited on other days.

As a Grandparent now I would never put any pressure on DC to visit us. It's hard enough with a little one, so long as they tell us when is convenient to see them all at some point to swap presents and maybe skype on the day itself, I'm happy.

So many people still think it is the woman's job to arrange all the family contact.

In our house, I look after contact with my family, which means we see them. DH looks after contact with his family, i.e. FIL, which means we don't see him because neither DH nor FIL can bothered to make an effort. (MIL died a few years ago, FIL now remarried).
On the rare occasions FIL has asked to see the DC, he always issued instructions to me via email to organise (1) a date and (2) where they should take them. I work full time, have 2 active DC, organise most of our family life and so was not prepare to act as a secretary for FIL. I would always bounce these requests back to FIL/DH to organise something between them. So it never happened.
I suppose I could have stepped up and taken on this job, but as the bulk of family responsibilities already fell to me, this is where I drew my own line.
I know for sure that FIL blames me for the lack of contact, not himself or DH.

For 10 years I have ferried me and dh to my family and his every xmas. Ds will be 9 months old for his first xmas, I am not leaving my house. They can come to us for a change

bloodymaria- I didn't mean it quite that literally! More that it would cause a huge fall out and accusations of unfairness if we didn't see the ILs every other Christmas, despite the fact they give us good reason not to want to see them! I am curious as to whether other people are able to not alternate without that causing upset!

I am curious as to whether other people are able to not alternate without that causing upset!

It's easy when you have no precident

Take my mother, when I was single and childless she was happy to only see me around christmas time, and then trotted off on holiday with her boyfriend over actual Christmas while I would spend it with my dad or with friends (or one miserable year - working and alone in my houseshare!), and only occassionally with her while she moaned about all the fuss of it . And of course then once I was properly dating DH I tagged along to his family for chirstmas too before we were married, so it was only natural to continue seeing them once we were married with kids

So now she might want "her share" of christmas days with her grandchildren, but since we don't have a history of her spending christmas with me as an adult, she can't really throw her toys out of her pram because I'm not taking anything away

If you have up until this point done 50:50 then yes it may well cause problems to stop

But for those of us who never started seeing a lot of our parents as adults, it's easier to just continue with that.

My mum is single now, and a bit older so doesn't like travelling so much. But by now I'm so used to making my own fun at Christmas with other people that I just don't want to stop doing that in favour of doing a dull Christmas at hers now!

I know my MIL thinks I favour my family. She has even made comments once about us visiting my DM a couple of weeks after visiting my DF as we'd skipped 'their turn'! My parents split up when I was 5 and live at opposite ends of the country.

I've encouraged DP to keep in touch more but they're not a close family and that's up to him. If my DM posted about resenting DP because I don't call her enough, she'd be told she was cracked. Mil doesn't want to chat on the phone with DP but resents that I call DM because of fairness. I can't even begin to understand that!

PIL are nice enough but it's up to DP. Mil does all the keeping in touch for her and fil but I'm not DPs PA.

Mil doesn't want to chat on the phone with DP but resents that I call DM because of fairness. I can't even begin to understand that!

That's exactly my mother (are we SILs? ) She thinks she "should be told" things on a regular basis.. but we don't talk often, and when we do she's not chatty, so exactly when does she think I should tell her all these things that she expects to be told first?

It sounds like they enjoy spending time with dil's family more than they enjoy spending time with you. What do you want them to do about it? They're not obliged to spend any time with you at all. I think that this is a major factor in a lot of discord in adult family relationships. People seem to take for granted that other people have a responsibility towards them because they are related. They haven't. If you want them to spend more time with you, make it worthwhile. If they don't like spending time with you, they won't do it much, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. If you stamp your feet or feel sorry for yourself, you might end up not seeing them at all.

This is v similar to how things are with my Mil. We live in the middle of both sets of parents but I see my parents every week, they have our son when I'm at work etc. We see Pil maybe once or twice a month. From being in a similar position to your Dil I'm going to be quite blunt, it's down to you and your son to keep in contact with each other. A text or phone call once a week to just say hi and see how things are going won't hurt and it's not imposing. It takes 2 to communicate so why don't you try and contact your son.
I don't mean it to come across rude or blunt but the reality is daughters are usually closer to their parents and you have said yourself your not v maternal so there may be your answer. Give your son a call and ask how things are going!!

To be fair you sound a bit boring and judgemental. Her family are fun and they are relaxed and happy in each other's company. You need to worry less, chill out, stop being negative, be positive to them and to yourself. You can't force people to do what you want them to do and if you start showing resentment and have expectation you will just push them away. Show a genuine, kind and loving interest in them and the children without getting possessive or jealous and be happy, fun and enjoy your own life but help them as much as you can but with love and without expectations or negativity 😊

I understand you're jealous of their close relationship with her parents. It's perfectly normal to feel like this, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. But be careful doing anything about it. Daughters are usually very close to their family, and SIL's usually go along with this. There's definitely something to the old adage, 'A son's a son, til he takes a wife, a daughters a daughter all her life'

Don't wait for your son/DIL to make the first move, be proactive. Why don't you invite them to yours for Christmas, or invite them on holidays, meals out, Weekends at yours, etc? Even invite her parents, you seem to like them ok, and you would win mega brownie points with your DIL, and her family, even if they don't go. Organise family occasions, including your other son (and partner?). Before you know it, without you pushing too hard, you'll be on the inside of the group looking out, rather than outside looking in, as you feel you are now.

I think you need to make more effort with them. Text and say you would love to see them etc. You not prying - & i understand what you mean- i suspect is coming across as you are not interested in them. Yoi could put on a BBQ and ask them all over including her parents. I do think you are coning across as not bothered sorry to say xx

My mil is so jealous of the time we spend with my family. There were a few years that I made a huge effort and we ended up seeing more of pil than my dm and even went on holiday. Still it wasn't enough for mil. Now we just do what we want and what works for us. I can't win.

as a daughter that is best of friends with both her parents. I spend all lot of time with my family and speak to mum every morning on the phone (we live 10 mins apart).

I sounds like your issue is that your son perfers spending time with the in laws then with his own family and this is an issue for you to talk to your son about.

I've very lucky that we are close on both sides of the family. But that took a lot on both sides to get to know each other and to accept each other for who we are. Maybe the formal side of things your end could be an issue for them but they do t want to upset you.

At the end of the day your DIL has done nothing I can see wrong. The only way forward is to talk to your son about how you feel and maybe come to an agreement that they spend one weekend a month with you.

I'm actually in the position of my DH, DS and myself not seeing either DH or my own parents very often....
A few things.

1. if your DIL lives only 5 minutes from her parents and they live 1.5 hours away from you I would expect that they are not going to be able to split their time equally. Whilst 1.5 hours is not a massive travel distance it is not as close as 5 minutes. If your son commutes quite a distance in the week he's not going to want to travel more at weekends.

2. you make it clear that you think the amount of time DIL spends with her family suggests they live in each other's pockets. Every family and their relationship is different. Perhaps your son wants to be part of a family that has their Sunday roasts together and a a major part of each other's lives and knows that you don't want that.

3. neither my mother or DH mother get in touch. For the first year after my sons birth I sent photos and updates but unless the contact was initiated by me there wasn't anything. I've spoken to both sets of parents about this over the last couple of years (DS is 3.5 now) and both sets of parents have made it clear they are busy with their own things and like to meet up occasionally but that's it. As a result we contact each other at birthdays and Xmas and that's it. This is because they have not put in the effort and I've given up. I'm having fertility issues and neither of them know because what's the point in telling them? They never ask and are not interested in the DS we already have resulting in DS not even receiving gifts/card from my side of the family last Xmas.

I would suggest that if you want to be a part of their lives you make the effort by suggesting to meet up perhaps half way or visit them, ask the questions, show you care, show you are interested and make time, despite being busy with your other grandchildren. You are not prying or hassling but to me it would look like you weren't bothered.

Tell your son you miss him and then regularly stay in touch. Life's too short.......

I feel a bit sorry for the OP.

I know a family a bit like this. One side is very outgoing, affectionate and sociable, they go out a lot, are always doing something. The other side is more reserved. There is as much love there but they don't go out much and are not bubbly. There is less to invite people to simply because they do less. It's no one's fault. It makes me sad because I think if DH and I were in that situation we would be the "boring ILs."

< hopes fervently that DCs marry more boring people than us and so we end up being the gregarious ones>

I honestly thought everyone did alternate christmasses! To anyone who doesn't- how does this go down with families?

When DH and I got together we made it clear the Christmas Day would be 'just us' - a stress free day where we can do as we please and not tip toe around anyone else, or have our enjoyment of the day determined by anyone else's mood. We saw family on Christmas Day and Boxing Day though. Our Christmas Days are perfect, and 10 years down the line it's the same, but now we also have a DD to share it with, which makes it even better.

When I was still putting in all the effort to include our ILs in everything we did, I invited them round for dinner on a Boxing Day. They only lived 5 mins away at the time and knew it was to be a hot meal, into which I'd put a lot of effort. They were 45 mins late and when they arrived there was no apology. My family arrived on time. Even though they lived further away. The food was cold The following year I invited them to a cold Boxing Day buffet instead - they ate before they came and a lot of the food went to waste The atmosphere is also dire - no conversation for longer than 5 mins. We did start alternating NYE but it was so horrible with the ILs we stopped. Now that's a 'just us' event too x

I honestly thought everyone did alternate christmasses!

As soon as I got married, my DM informed me that I was to have Christmas at home in my own home, with my husband, as a matter of priority. And I wasn't to worry about her which I did, a lot Both me and my DM have made our own new Christmas traditions, me with my DH, and her with a thriving Xmas Eve party for her friends.

DH and I will go to see her, sadly my DDad has died, and the ILs at some point over the Xmas holiday season, which could be any time between Dec 20th and Jan 5th depending on my work commitments.

ILs have 2 other children as well, both of those also have family Christmases at home with their kids and then travel to see grandparents like we do. Sometimes we cross paths, sometimes we don't.

Everyone has busy lives and it would be impossible for us all to arrive on the same day. Everyone is happy with the arrangement. Alternating Christmases was never suggested by any party - and probably the most Christmas obsessed people are me and my DM who go crazy for it! But we are so obsessed with it we can stretch our Christmases to last a whole season, not just one day and it's much much better for that.

Every year Mumsnet is awash with people desperate to have a Christmas in their own home who are sick of alternating Christmases for people who never did it themselves but seem to expect it of their children.

I can understand that you feel left out and upset that they are closer to her parents than to you. Practically though, they live close to them, they obviously all get on well, so it's not a surprise that the situation is as it is. They may feel that you are closer to your other son (you mention having your grandchildren several times a week), perhaps they feel you favour them?

Why not invite them for Xmas now? Don't sit back and quietly resent the way things are. Be proactive and change it. Make the effort. Phone this evening and ask how they are. Ask when you can all get together again - perhaps meet half way? Look on the internet and find a nice restaurant that you could all meet at and suggest it to them. Ask them for Xmas day this year. Tell your son you are missing him and your DIL and would like to see more of them and hear from them more. But basically, make the effort yourself, make the first moves yourself.

My DH is an only child and I have a brother. we have always alternated Christmas since we married and continue to do so now we have kids.

We had fertility issues but we shared with both families and now are so lucky to have 2 kids.

I have to say, I have to encourage my DH to keep in touch with his parents at times and arrange to see them etc but I always try to be fair.

OP invite them round more, don't feel like you're interfering....when kids do come along, you wouldn't want that situation to continue. I will say though, I do go to my parents for support and advice whereas my DH generally doesn't...I don't know if it's a male/female thing so don't take it to heart.

Its unfair to blame DIL. It is possible that they feel that you take no interest in them, as you rarely contact them and that you show favouritism by being available and involved in your other sons life. If you never contact them and make it obvious that you resent the contact they have with her family you risk being seen as hard work and difficult. This will result in awkward visits and possibly estrangement..Your lack of contact could be seen as uninterested, especially where the IVF is involved. Be brave and bold, pick up the phone arrange a get together..

If my son and his wife were having to have debility treatment I would ask how it was going and offer support. Maybe they resent u for not bothering. U seem a bit selfish if I'm honest. U expect them to run roundto u all the time call u text u update u. How about u do something except moaning about it. Pick up the phone ask how she is