To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

It doesn't sound like you love your son very much, tbh.

I'm going to guess that your younger son is treated vastly differently by you and your dh...

I say that because my dh is the older son in a similar situation. In fact, bar a few details I would have thought you were my MIL.

So from the other point of you, your lack of prying and lack of maternal instinct can be seen as something vastly different.

It's sad really. DH is totally no contact with his mother and as a result she will likely never see our three dc again.

Now, I'm not saying you're exactly like her because she is a total narcissist who emotionally abuses everyone around her whether they realise it or not...

But the self-pitying, overly dramatic stuff sounds very similar to her so if you do want a relationship I would urge you to step outside of yourself and pick up the phone.

If you want a closer relationship with your son, go for it. Reach out more. Issue invitations, pick up the phone, etc.

If you are satisfied with your relationship with your son, then I would say you are unreasonable to resent your DIL relationship with her parents. Her relationship with her family is really none of your business. But your relationship with your DC is very much your business and you are in a position to make changes if you want to do so.

It seems that no one has pushed you out, you have just failed to engage and now your eyes are open to what is possible in a close family. It's not for everyone, but if you think you are missing out you should try to initiate more contact.

YABU

Every parent and child have a different relationship.

Your DIL s relationship with her parents is nothing to do with you.

Yes, you care, I get that.

I have a son and a daughter. I would never presume to interfere with the relationship they have with their own parents, how would u feel if it was the other way round?

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit pushed out OP. From what you've said in your post I think it sounds like a combination of things- the first being logistics and the fact they live so much closer to DILs parents than to you. Secondly you give the impression DILs parents are more forthcoming and friendly than you are (not a criticism just different personalities). It sounds like you're probably in a habit now with this set up and because you haven't expressed any dislike of it DIL and son you're fine with everything or if they don't they pretend to themselves that you are and shut it out because it's easier for them.

The only way to change this situation is by changing your own behaviour. Start by calling once a week. Invite them on a day out. Don't let pride stop you from making an effort. You can always suggest you all get together as a group at Christmas. Once your son sees you are trying to make an effort he probably will reciprocate.

From experience I think sometimes husbands can be fairly deferential to their wives in life choices and some choose to go along for an easy life not thinking about how their actions are affecting how others feel but also not deliberately trying to hurt.

Just to add, having thought about it, I really resented my MIL chipping in, making her presence felt in our marriage.

It isn't fair to resent her, but perhaps if you made a little more effort? Say invite them for dinner once a week? Maybe discuss it with your daughter in law and son, that you want to be more of a part of their lives and want to be included? Just an idea, no point in keeping the feelings to yourself, do something about it x

i know someone like this says noone bothers with her noone visits noone phones referring to her ds's

when asked well do u phone them or visit-she says oh i dont want to bother them

wtf! sitting there playing the martyr doesnt help anyone-if u want to be involved more then do it dont omplain that noone involves u by sitting back moaning

You sound a bit of a misery to me tbh and saying its ott that the lass sees her mam wth?! Also you remind me of my mam/nanna; don't want to 'intrude' or 'interfere' (other words cba) then it's all dogs arse lips when you're not the centre of attention.

I have 2 sons, 25 & 28, both engaged to lovely girls who I adore but I accept that girls tend to gravitate towards their own family. Both my future DIL's are extremely close to their mothers.
I arrange family lunches and invite the future in laws as well.

I treasure time I get to spend with my sons and future DIL's and I'm in contact with them regularly (short phone calls so they don't dread the phone ringing, messages etc. - I really believe you "get out what you put in" and effort has to be made.
I totally respect their privacy and understand there are certain topics they like to keep private, I certainly never discussed personal matters with my MIL.
I am very maternal and would have loved to have had more children particularly a daughter and I feel blessed to have these beautiful girls in my life.
Please tread carefully as I feel you run the risk of alienating your DIL and son.

I actually think in life you need sometimes to be confident about asserting what you want in relationships. The sitting at home tight lipped about others perceived lack of effort is fruitless and abit pathetic.

Both my sisters MILs are lovely fun kind people but also make a real effort with their son's families. Supportive, good company they visit often and ensure they are properly included. They expect to be as much part of the family as my parents so they are. My sisters split their time 50 /50 between the gps because they want to - not out of some awful duty.

Sister 1 MIL did lots of childcare for the family last summer - way more than our own mum. She has been much more supportive than our mum about DSIS starting her own business. Dsis describes her as "fab" and visits often.

Sister 2 - MIL paid for a childminder for one day a week when she saw DSIS struggling. Dsis2 and her have a real laugh when they spend time together. Dsis adores her and will visit her even when her DH is at work.

They are my MIL role models.

I think you should be pleased and happy that his in-laws welcome him so well. The fact is that everybody acts differently with different people, it's normal for him to act with you as "with parents" and with them as "with friends" if that is how he's been treated. That's actually lovely and means they don't see him as "our daughter's husband" but as him, the person.
You are resenting not having a better relationship and blaming DIL but, in reality, the blame is probably in your son and you. I have this happening with my mother , she is always jealous of my relationship with other people and she blames these other people being overly nice to me or doing what I want... when the issue is that she cannot stop making it about her and I don't feel as welcome or comfortable at hers. You say you don't want to interfere, I think that's where the problem is. You should and you should want to. Not interfering per se, but calling , inviting them over, asking... show you care and you about them. Now I have children I realise how different it's the love that children feel for their parents vs parents to children. As sons and daughters, we expect our parents to care, to be involved and even pester a bit. The fact you don't do it can be understood as if you don't really care. My husband feels like that quite often because his mum rarely asks or calls, we assumed she would be at our doorstep every week when we had the kids and far from that, she visits once every two months or so. We would love her to be here every week but we don't want to ask, because we assume that as a parent and grandparent, she should be more than happy to come to see the grandchildren without a request being made. I think your situation is similar and you should start getting more contact going, otherwise, when the baby comes, you are going to really miss out and the resentment will only grow. It's your role, in my opinion, as a parent.
On the fertility issues, it's not something you update unless asked, I think. People on IVF go through very hard times. It's emotionally draining but also painful, plus your hormones are over the place. It can take years, don't assume they are hiding anything from you, but it's very hard to discuss those things, specially if as you suggested, you are not very maternal. They informed you, that means they wanted you involved, it's for you now to ask and show you care. It must be hard for them to go through the process and have monthly crushed news. Read the IVF boards and see what people go through and what might help. In my opinion, you need to step up and be involved, show you care and love then. It's not interfering or being pushy, it's mothering and caring, specially at at time when they need support. And it seems they have it there, it's for you to show they also have it at yours, without blaming and criticising

Had you have not written your age and the that your did is having fertility treatment I could swear blind this was written by my mil.

I think it sounds like (from your post) that you need to look like you care more. I understand your reasons for saying that you don't want to look like you're prying, but there's a difference between being nosey and taking an interest.

I'm incredibly close to my parents and they do an awful lot for me, dh and dd. My in laws do absolutely nothing. They've never once babysat for us and on the one occasion we did ask them to, it was so full of conditions that we didn't bother.

I find my mil quite disinterested our lives, she NEVER calls to see how we are it's always me pushing my dh to comic ate with her.

I think if you have got a problem you need to speak to your son.

I am sorry that you resent your daughter in law, and I say this from the point of view of someone who was resented in that way, despite encouraging my h to write and contact his parents. I think if you want to see more of your son and his wife you need to recognise the unfairness of your feelings and park them, and then invite them over, YOU invite THEM. forget about insecurities about not being so much fun, and do some relaxation exercises before hand so that you approach the event without tension and resentment. Find the space for love and offer that instead. Unlike an earlier poster I was willing to forgive and forget, and yet every time we met my mother in law said things that made it very clear that there was a seething spite going on for her. And here's the thing...she got dementia, and while the good thing is that she forgot that she does not like me, I take care of her once a week. You are the one who is holding on to bad feelings and jealousies, and though these feelings can be very powerful they are not attractive, or likely to bring people to your door. If you do want to fix things, say to your sun I would love it if you came round more often, are you free on friday? And if it makes it easier for you suggest a take away so you don't get stressed out working and think about a movie you could all watch together, make it fun. You say that you don't want to harass them, well maybe the son you brought up with the same values as you thinks he isn't harassing you either, maybe switch harass for be friendly and you'll know what you need to do. As far as the fertility treatment, that is a painful difficult and emotionally fraught process, let them tell you when they are ready, here they are probably protecting themselves from haiving to discuss it too much and protecting you from the pain of the times when it does not work.

Yes YABU! Your poor DIL is a 'princess' because she is close to her parents? You sound jealous. Stop blaming her for the distance between you and your son. Why should she change a nice bond with her parents because you don't have the same with your son? Sorry if that sounds harsh I'm just thinking from the perspective of the DIL.

Jedimum
My husband feels like that quite often because his mum rarely asks or calls, we assumed she would be at our doorstep every week when we had the kids and far from that, she visits once every two months or so. We would love her to be here every week but we don't want to ask, because we assume that as a parent and grandparent, she should be more than happy to come to see the grandchildren without a request being made.

But Jedi, you here are being exactly like some of the MILS are accused of being, keeping your thoughts to yourself, not making clear what you expect!

Your MIL would perhaps LOVE to come every week, but she is frightened of intruding, being a nuisance! She thinks you as a DIL wouldnt want her there.

Have you actually told her you and the GCs would love to see her more often? She cannot possibly take offence at that, I am sure she'd be delighted, and even if she really is busy and doenst find time for more frequent visits she'll still be be touched by your kind words!

Hazandduck
Yes YABU! Your poor DIL is a 'princess' because she is close to her parents?

The OP did not criticise her for being close to her parents, the description of her as 'princessy' is independent of that, meaning that she is a little 'spoiled', likes to be the centre of attention, to be fussed over.

Now of course this is just the OPs opinion, but it is very possibly true! Many women are like that, and if she is her parents only daughter, has always lived near them, never had to be independent, then it very likely IS true. You should not make the assumption that the OP is being unfair, as that isnt helpful, when people post with a problem, like an agony aunt if you want to help you ave to give the OP the benefit of the doubt in this, and assume the DIL is a bit coddled.

ChooseTheLifeYouLove

Hope the OP reads your post, as its really considered,
while many posters here just seem to want to criticize her (subconscious resentment arising from ill feeling towards their own MILS perhaps! )

op, you made the mistake of posting in AIBU. If you're new and you want people to be gentle and you're talking about a family situation then Relationships is the place to post. AIBU is known for it's viciousness! Not always, of course, but that's the reputation.

I haven't read the entire thread but it looks like most posters have said you need to show you care. He won't automatically come to you. I read somewhere that adult children don't spend their lives worrying about being good children but parents spend their lives worrying about being good parents. By that I mean he won't be as focused on your relationship as you naturally are.

So show him you care and you want him in your life more. If he told you about the IVF then he still values your relationship to tell you something so personal.

Lastly, (unless someone else has already posted it) there's the quote 'a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.' My brother migrated lock, stock over to his wife's family. As a 'joke' we call him by his first name + his wife's family name, not our family name (and in fact his and his current family's real name!). Our mother is also very hands off. Our father is simply not interested in anyone but himself - but that's another story.

You don't mention your partner or you may have in this vast thread I haven't read - how is he with your son's distance?

I would suggest you get this moved to Relationships [click 'report' at the bottom of your post; ask MNHQ to move your thread to Relationships] -

OR, because the thread is so vast, perhaps re-post your original post in Relationships?

YOu'll get a kinder reception (probably).

Aerfen
Actually, yes, after a lot of deliberation and wondering if we were not clear, my DH told her that we wanted them more involved, that we would love to see them often and that their DGC love spending time with them. We said that we had no other family here and that it would be important for us if they could be around more... She said "yes, of course" but maybe things went from 6-7 visits a year to 8-9. They live an hour away. We have also said that we would love to go to theirs more often but my DD hates the car, gets motion sickness and cannot stop crying for the last leg of the journey. We try to go more often, yet it's easier if they come. We explained if we didn't go more it was because it was always such a task to convince DD and get pram / bottles/ nappies / etc ready on time. For them it's a matter of popping in the car and coming. She doesn't work either, has no other GC in the UK and could come during the week. She does come and babysit if asked, but not before making sure we have no other alternative, checking about a hundred times "if she is still needed" and making it look like a task. So, yes, we did ask directly because we weren't sure the message had gotten across. Which makes my DH double sad, because now there's no excuse.

Jedi
Maybe you are right then and they dont want involvement, but I still wonder if you rather than you OH were to put out the welcome mat that might make a difference? She maybe feels you wont want her 'interfering' even if son does. I dont know of course, just wondering as it seems odd behaviour given the circumstances you have set out, as it doesn't sound as though her life is too taken up with other things. On the other hand she just may be a little odd.

Jedimu, changing the subject a little bit, but my dd would get travel sick in a city bus, let alone a car journey. I found that ginger solved the problem. i gave it to her as crystallised ginger, which is yummy.

There is no way I would be splitting christmas 'fairly' because that would effectively mean that we only have half the Christmasses of my daughter's childhood that were relaxed and enjoyable. My PIL are great- really lovely, caring and easy to be around and I have frequently gone for days out with them when my DH was busy. My DD loves them and even if they cant come and see her for a few weeks they Skype chat with her weekly. We've had.two Christmasses with them out of the 3 since DD was born and they were really relaxed, fun days. My MIL invited my mother to the big family boxing day thing they have for extended family last year and she turned up pulled faces as mine and DH's parenting , refused to join in with any games being played, sat loudly conplaining about me to DH's aunt until.my MIL asked her to stop and stopped my DH's teenage couisn from playing with our toddler as it was 'her turn' and just sat around looking miserable.

If we went to her house then it would be like the 17 Christmasses I had at home, awkward and glarey where we all sit in the lounge because that's what people do, but not allowed to read, watch films or TV because it's family time- but anyone making loud or jokey conversation will be frowned at or shushed.

To hell with whether or not it's fair, I'm not about to make half my DD's childhood christmasses uptight and awkward like mine were- we're going with the fun and relaxed option instead. It's possibly your DS thinks/feels differently but it's a high possibility that he feels similar to me.

Also- given you take care of your other sons's DC a few days a week- if your DS has a child-will you be stopping that even if you dont look after his child-in the name of fairness?

Karigan
Yours sounds a very extreme case as well as an unusual one in that you are favouring yours PILs over your own mum, due to a bad relationship.

Far far more common is DIL naturally preferring to be with her own family, not because her PILS have done anything wrong, but simply because she loves her own family more, and the DH is more laid back and doesnt think about or care about his parents being excluded, although they've done no wrong. This is what appears to be the case with the OP.

Of course it can happen the other way, where the wife is sucked into her PILs family and neglects her own parents needs, although theyve done no wrong. This is rarer although can happen, especially due to distance and extreme distance such as if she is living in another country with her husbands family nearby. I recall an article in the Guardian a few years ago by a woman married to a Frenchman, and she seemed to have got so sucked into wanting to become French , she was somewhat under the thumb of her admirable but v. formidable French MIL who lived close by, I thought her English parents must feel horribly usurped, like they'd lost their daughter!

Yours sounds a very extreme case as well as an unusual one in that you are favouring yours PILs over your own mum, due to a bad relationship

Well you've not read many threads on MN then. its not remotely extreme and lots of people are in the same situation. Several others have said this up thread.

Many couples/ families choose to spend more time with the relatives they like and who are nice to them than the ones they don't like and aren't nice to them .

I don't see why that's a difficult concept to grasp. For most people it's not about blood lines or next of kin, it's about LOVE .