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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/07/2016 08:05

Maybe there's stuff she hasn't told you re the IVF - maybe it's going to be harder than she'd thought or there's some sort of complication? I agree it's a bit shit she didn't make a "how exciting!" sort of comment, but you don't necessarily know everything that's going on with her. Just wait and see how it all pans out.

hippydippybaloney · 10/07/2016 08:06

Yes, she's being pretty ignorant. As your best friend she should know what a big deal it is to you.

JackandDiane · 10/07/2016 08:06

I think trying for a baby is a bit cringey. You're having sex. That's no body's business.

Wait till you get pregnant IMO

sooperdooper · 10/07/2016 08:06

If she's waiting for ivf they must've been trying for a while and the idea of her getting her hopes up to think you'd have babies at the same time is probably too much for her to set her hopes on :)

NerrSnerr · 10/07/2016 08:06

I don't know. It's not really news. You're basically telling her that you're going to start having unprotected sex.

rollonthesummer · 10/07/2016 08:07

I think trying for a baby is a bit cringey. You're having sex. That's no body's business.

I agree with this!!

ApostrophesMatter · 10/07/2016 08:07

It isn't really news, though is it? I'm sure she would have reacted if you'd said you were pregnant but "trying to get pregnant" isn't what I'd call news.

Gardencentregroupie · 10/07/2016 08:08

Yes you've been hideously insensitive. To get to the ivf stage she will have been trying for years. Years of hope, then being gutted when her period comes, seeing people announce pregnancies and have babies and even announce second pregnancies as she still can't get pregnant. She's probably tried change of diet, change of exercise, acupuncture etc. Then going to the doctor, blood test (needles), lap and dye, internal scans, maybe a few failed round of Clomid. Other friends all popping out babies seemingly effortlessly. She'll know that there's only around a 25% chance her painful invasive IVF will work. So a casual "wouldn't it be great if we had babies together" would have been (unwittingly) a total gut punch.

OP infertility isn't generally openly discussed but now you know. Good luck ttc'ing Flowers

Lunar1 · 10/07/2016 08:08

Don't mention it, from her point of view you are not going through it together at all. Right now she is going through something very difficult. For a start you and your dh are having lots of sex, she's having hormone injections and lots of painful, expensive and invasive procedures.

When you suffer infertility, your friends ttc means they will probably try for a few months, get pregnant and have a child while you are still on the start line. I started ttc before my friend, she had 3 children before I got pregnant. When you get pregnant I'm sure she will make an effort to be happy.

NataliaOsipova · 10/07/2016 08:09

I think I agree with NerrSnerr - it isn't really news. A "good luck" or something would have been nice - but as you know she's having problems conceiving, maybe you just hit a raw nerve for her?

Blueredballoon · 10/07/2016 08:09

Yes I would find it really quite strange if someone told me they were basically having sex- what can you say to that really?! I would only ever say anything to someone when actually pregnant.

Coupled with the IVF, I'm not surprised she didn't say anything really.

blueskyinmarch · 10/07/2016 08:11

She probably just didn't quite know what to say to that information so decided to sidestep it. I don't think her lack of response is hard to understand given the difficulty she is having with conceiving.

londonrach · 10/07/2016 08:11

Agree with others. Its not really news. Also you not aware of whats happening to her with her ivf. Good luck but keep the ttc between the two of you for now.

notagiraffe · 10/07/2016 08:11

As someone who went through IVF, I found it impossible to control my feelings. I desperately wanted to be happy for family members and friends who had children easily and naturally but found it hard to even speak when they announced news. I felt an absolute furious unhappiness when my DSis announced her third and we had failed four times with IVF. It's something that's incredibly hard to control. She may have just been trying not to cry.
And when we got lucky twice, I lost touch with three good friends, also trying IVF who were;t successful. I loved them but they couldn't face seeing us ever again and I completely understand why.
It may not be anything like that with your friend, but IVF is a really challenging time, not least because your body gets stripped of all its hormones and then pumped full of new hormones and so your emotions are about as controllable as those of a teenage girl.

Mia1415 · 10/07/2016 08:12

That's difficult 'news' to respond to. She is having problems of her own, & I'm sorry if this sounds really harsh the fact that you are trying doesn't mean you will be able to have a baby. Your hope that you will end up having babies at the same time probably seems incredibly unlikely to her. Sorry I think YABU

johendy · 10/07/2016 08:13

Congrats on the big decision. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.
I experienced infertility and it is a head mess. It can really get in the way of relationships, as it's this big thing always on your mind. Perhaps your friend just needs time to adjust to your announcement. It might be that you've been a'safe' friendship while they've been struggling and now there is a real fear that you might be lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly, which will inevitably change your relationship, even if it's just for a little while. It's seems awful to worry about others getting pregnant, but for me it wasn't about being jealous, but more about another reminder of what I couldn't have, something I wanted to ignore.
Anyway I think you should just wait it out. In that situation, I'd rather know than not know and I think text is an easy way too share that news as she can respond in her own time. So I don't think telling her was insensitive. But perhaps less of the chat about having babies together as infertility, and especially waiting for NHS IVF, takes away all of the fun of family planning.

Good luck.

Muskateersmummy · 10/07/2016 08:14

I agree with garden. Without meaning to you have been insensitive. Your words will have reminded her again how long the have been trying. she will be consumed with lots of conflicting emotions. She'll be wanting you to be able to get pregnant because she wants you to be happy and not have to go through all she has, but she will also be worried that if you get pregnant straight away how will she cope. She will be frightened of having to be happy for you whilst she is crying inside.

If I was you I would organise a meet up for coffee and cake and ask your friend how IVF is going, and really let her talk. Apologise if your words upset her

BeatricePotter · 10/07/2016 08:14

Maybe she isn't feeling that positive about the IVF after all.

I would leave it and just assume it is a sensitive subject. If you do get pregnant quickly I would tread very carefully. Deep down she will probably feel gutted. I say this as someone who hasn't been able to have children.

Crusoe · 10/07/2016 08:15

All I can say is when I was going through Ivf your news would have been enough to upset me. Irrational I know but Ivf is tough, really tough and it is very easy to lose yourself in it and lose your sense of proportion. For your friend she has probably given up hope that just trying for a baby will work for her and it hurts when it is "that easy" for others.
I am not saying that is how your friend feels but I think it's maybe how I would have felt in those dark days. I would have felt pleased for you but so sad for myself and would have found it hard to speak about.

Good luck with ttc by the way and to your friend.

Redglitter · 10/07/2016 08:15

YABU trying for a baby isn't news as such. Personally I hate when people say that. If anything knowing what she's going through you were a bit insensitive

ScarletForYa · 10/07/2016 08:16

Trying for a baby it's not news! Being pregnant or having a baby is news.

She's probably throwing her eyes up to heaven at: wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time -that's very Pollyanna of you considering what she's going through.

And as for was really hoping we could support each other through it that's probably a bit insensitive considering you have no known problems.

I'm not really understanding how trying for a baby is your biggest news ever, is your relationship just new?

Theearthmoved · 10/07/2016 08:18

How can you say wouldn't it be fantastic if we have babies together when you know she's experiencing problems? That is the most ridiculous thing to say to someone experiencing infertility. She knows full well there's a chance she might never have a child.

Her first thought was probably that you will be yet another person she knows that conceives straight away.

Ideally she would have chatted to you about it and been pleased for you but the fact she ignored it suggests she doesn't want to know. You need to be more sensitive.

Honeyandfizz · 10/07/2016 08:18

I think trying for a baby is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make and of course you would want to share that with your best friend! She may be in a much tougher place re her fertility and IVF than you realise and maybe she really does not want to talk about anything baby related. I would be hurt too though if I were you, but try and be kind to her and cut her a bit of slack.

mouldycheesefan · 10/07/2016 08:18

I had years of ivf and the " wouldn't it be great if we both had babies together" would be a very insensitive comment to me. Ivf is a horrendous roller coaster both physically and mentally, your friend will have already been through an awful lot getting to this point. Sounds like you don't know much about what your friend is going through and how hard it is, your friend is dealing with the prospect that she may never be a parent if this doesn't work. Your comment is crass and insensitive and naive. Try and be a better friend.

RaeSkywalker · 10/07/2016 08:18

I think you're underestimating how hard ttc and IVF are for her. Lots of disappointment and physical discomfort.

My best friend and I are incredibly close, but I didn't tell her that DH and I were ttc, it's a bit of a non-event for anyone but you. Sorry if that sounds harsh!!