To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

[peskyfeelings]

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

I've always just accepted her saying that the fertility issues are her DPs.

You've mentioned this twice and j can't think for the life of me why you think it's important. If you and your husband want to have a baby but can't it doesn't matter whose "fault" it is.

Good luck with trying to conceive. I'm glad you've seen why what you said to your friend (while not intended to hurt her) would have been hard for her to hear.

I said you were being a horrible friend. Not you are a horrible friend. One is a discussion on behaviour. The other is a character assassination.

I'm glad you've understood how insensitive you were.

Hey, I'm trying not to have a baby. I'm having sex too! Only there's bit more effort, you know with all the contraception. Can I get a congrats? Well done on you hard work, maybe?

I agree with others that it's not really news.

But not only that, what should she, or indeed anyone say to it?

I had no idea that telling others about TTC was even a thing until I read about it on MN.

It's OK TheJollyPostmansWife. I know I'm not generally an insensitive person, so I can take the people calling me that. I can also take the people being unnecessarily sarcastic even though I've admitted I was in the wrong (hello RestlessTraveller)

PurpleDaisies. I'm honestly not sure now why I thought that either? I will admit to a bias against her DP. He treats her really badly and she hasn't been happy in the relationship for years. I suppose that I feel quite pissed off she's having to go through IVF for problems that aren't even hers and for a man who treats her like crap? I really wish she was doing this with somebody who deserves her quite frankly.

I can see that it's not my judgement call to make now though.

I have fertility issues (as my name would suggest) I got to a point first time around I just couldn't bear to hear anybody else was pregnant - I'd smile and congratulate announcements then sob in secret

It's been a journey to accept for me but even now if a good friend told me they were trying I might not manage an acknowledgment depending on what time of day you catch me - strangers yes but good friends? I'm thinking oh fuck I have to squash all my jealous irrational rage away and be delighted

Infertility can send your mind to places you never thought it would go

Do some of the people who post on here even read the thread properly?

My awareness is growing with every post; yet some just continue to spew vitriol at me.

I'm not walking around with a "I AM TRYING TO GET UP THE DUFF" T Shirt on you know!

When you speak/ text to her please go in carefully.
You've very much watered down what went on from the first op.
In the first op you were "hey, I had big news and she didn't acknowledge that"
Now it's"oh she's always asking and of course she would want to know"

I suspect your announcement was much bigger than you later posts suggest.
When you speak toher ho on and a quick apology, not a big deal and allow she may not respond. She needs time to process it.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems poaspcos. I really hope you get your bfp soon.

I totally accept infertility can send you into dark places. I feel a bit bonkers after just a few months of ttc.

I just didn't appreciate it was an off topic subject as we are always talking babies. I can see I was wrong though.

It really wasn't a big announcement Withend. I just said that we'd (finally) started trying for a baby. We'd been talking about it just a few months ago on the last occasion we met up.

I only meant it was big news from my perspective. I didn't announce it as such. I'm not the big announcement type to be honest.

Don't apologise, don't ever mention it again unless she does or you do indeed both have babies.

I suppose that I feel quite pissed off she's having to go through IVF for problems that aren't even hers and for a man who treats her like crap?

If you follow that logic my dh should leave me for someone with a functioning reproductive system. Trouble conceiving is not a personal issue-it's a couple issue.

I'm sorry your friend's partner is a dick. That's still irrelevant to the IVF.

I see your point PurpleDaisies, and of course I would never follow that logic.

I suppose I just hate to generally see her suffer for a man who has ground her down over the years. :(

for my SIL and DB who have just been approved for IVF but been told they have to wait for 6 months (DB is at fault apparently in the 'works' area) after trying naturally for ages this would be really upsetting for them.

When they had the approval meeting the other week SIL was already run down with a cold/virus so was quite tearful.

It seems as if you on the other hand won't have much trouble conceiving despite your age.

I agree with mouldy your comment was crass and insensitive and naive and yes please try to be more understanding!

as Witch says you're guilty of drip feeding OP re a few facts about your friend and what she tells you.

I suppose I just hate to generally see her suffer for a man who has ground her down over the years.

She isn't suffering for him-they are both suffering because they want a baby.

Gobsmacked that you'd consider a decision to ttc "news"; especially to someone who's awaiting IVF. it was grossly insensitive and it's not news.

OP I really wasn't trying to be sarcastic about you as an individual more to the whole TTC thing in general it just makes me giggle.

I have no idea whether I will have trouble conceiving SuperFlyHigh. In fact as I have mentioned several times I'm actually terrifying the opposite is true.

I've already admitted that I was in the wrong. There's also no drip feeding involved. We do talk about babies frequently.

There seems little point in this now. It's just turning into a put the boot in thread, even though I've admitted I'm in the wrong. There's not much more I can say really...

While I have not suffered infertility as such I did have two miscarriages between my two children .And I was quite old to be ttc(again) .It was sometimes painful being with friends ,especially those from my from my NCT group, who were happily pregnant with a second child but that is life . And I was very happy for them.I always admired the friend who miscarried at 20 weeks and was genuinely happy for me to visit shortly after with my 3month old (the second child she knew I had wanted so much).It's not always about you is it ? And these arent self obsessed teenagers
While I empathise with the OPs friend to some degree I do think a 'good luck'would be nice !Especially as she knows Op 's unfortunate history in relationships .
My elder DD ,who would love a child and split with a long term partner last year because he decided he shouldnt have childen, is having to deal with lots of friends getting married and conceiving at the moment .She wouldnt dream of pointing out how fortunate they are to have found a life partner they love so much they want a child with .She(genuinely) and with a smiling face congratulates them.

Not the sort of thing you share IMHO...esp not with theses who you know are Going through ivf!
Very insensitive of you.

Thank you Postchildrenpregranny (love the name) That is very kind of you.

So sorry for your DD. How utterly heart breaking for her. I really hope she finds a man worthy of her soon (or goes it alone if she that is what she wants to do :) )

Well done for admitting you were wrong and taking it so well. I think everybody can stop putting the boot in now. ;) I hope it goes well for you op.

I've read the whole thread and think you've taken the comments really well. You obviously have a close friendship and thought that you could say anything - I have one of those too. When my best friend was going through IVF, she was really positive about it - she then discovered that she had no eggs that were usable - after that none of her close friends could even mention their own children as she was so upset about the whole thing; she completely cut off a friend of hers who became pregnant unexpectedly and joined various infertility websites. I realised then what an incredibly emotional subject it was. Happy ending though - she had a baby at 44 with a donor egg.

Good luck OP. both with your friendship which I am sure will be fine and with TTC.

Thank you teatowel :)

I think I definitely, definitely have gotten the message that I was insensitive!