Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 10:28

That's about it LobsterQuadrillie. We do have a say anything to each other policy. I just badly misjudged this time.

I'm glad things worked out for your friend. Thank you for your well wishes. :)

OP posts:
Vagndidit · 10/07/2016 10:29

"Gobsmacked that you'd consider a decision to ttc "news"; especially to someone who's awaiting IVF. it was grossly insensitive and it's not news."

Yup, this.

PurpleDaisies · 10/07/2016 10:29

She (genuinely) and with a smiling face congratulates them.

It's great your daughter can manage this. I don't think it's right to judge those of us that have to plaster on a fake smile and do an Oscar winning performance on a happy "congratulations" when all you're thinking is "why isn't this me?" and crying in the loos afterwards.

You can't help how you feel. It's horrible and illogical and it makes you feel even more of a bitch for not bring able to be happy for your friends.

Fleck · 10/07/2016 10:35

When I was 2.5 years into ttc and having fertility treatment my sister announced she was going to try for a baby and I burst into tears. If you haven't been through fertility problems you just have no idea how it feels. I kept up an 'everything's fine' attitude as it was just too painful to talk about, but something like that feels like a kick in the guts, especially as you feel like a complete bitch for not being happy for them. Ditto friends taking about what time of year they want to have a baby or deciding what a good age gap would be, being able to decide on those things is just impossible for us. Luckily we now have 2dc and it is a lot easier, but we would love a third and I still struggle with jealousy occasionally. Basically I'm saying don't take it personally, I bet she's just really struggling but can't talk about it.

gettingbythistime · 10/07/2016 10:37

Its not your fault as you have no idea how it feels emotionally to have infertility but yes, you have upset her
Tbh I don't get why you would expect her to care or be e,cited about you ttcHmm

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 10:43

Than you Fleck. That does give me a better insight. I hope you get your third dc soon.

I suppose I've just never considered her position properly. Before I was in a wilderness of thinking I would never even get a chance to try and have children. Even thinking others would was really painful for me. Now it's changed I'm just so pathetically happy that I temporarily left my sensitivity behind the couch!

I will try and be a better friend to her about this in future.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2016 10:43

Tbh I don't get why you would expect her to care or be e,cited about you ttc

Again, I just don't get this within a close friendship. I'm excited if a friend tells me they're trying to conceive, if they're applying for a new job that they're excited about, if they're considering a big move, if they think a relationship is becoming more serious, if they're thinking of buying a house. Maybe not an acquaintance, but anyone I would describe as a close friend I would be interested to hear, and completely unsurprised if they wanted to discuss these big decisions. I wouldn't expect them to tell me, but I definitely wouldn't consider someone a very close friend if these topics were off-limits.

NoMudNoLotus · 10/07/2016 10:46

It's not really news though , t

NoMudNoLotus · 10/07/2016 10:51

And I think you've been very insensitive.

Please don't underestimate the psychological & physical cost of IVF.

Although ours was successful I would NEVER recommend it, it is so traumatic ....

You were basically rubbing it in her face that all you need to do is have sex to have a baby. And how utterly naive of you to suggest that you might end up pregnant at the same time Confused.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 10:51

That was sort of my thinking MargaretCavendish. I tell my close friends all my most intimate details and they do the same in return.

I just misjudged it this time.

I agree it's not massive news in the scheme of things, but to me it is a massive step. I appreciate I shouldn't have said anything though in this case.

OP posts:
Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 10:55

I've already accepted I was insensitive NoMudNoLotus. In fact I accepted it about three pages ago.

I don't actually think I'm just going to have sex to have a baby. I don't even know if it will work.

The have a baby at same time was a (failed) attempt to bond. I misjudged it, but it wasn't intentional.I was hoping we could support each other, but I see now that both our circumstances are very different.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/07/2016 10:55

Has the OP not got the point? Has she not acknowledged this?

Why are people still having a go?

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 10:57

Thank you NannyOgg. You're as straight to the point as your namesake. :)

I am rather wondering how many times I'm going to have to admit I was in the wrong here!

OP posts:
Fleck · 10/07/2016 10:58

If I was in her position I wouldn't be annoyed with you, I'd just be finding it hard. I don't agree with others who say it's odd to share when you are ttc, that is the sort of thing I would share with my closest friends, it's just that infertility changes the rules. You obviously have some insight from having longed for kids before, when you discover that your body won't do this most natural thing that will give you want you most want it is really, really hard. Despite being quite an open person I really struggled to talk about it with friends and family. Since having dc1 I am much more open and almost make a point of taking about it when relevant, to help anyone in the same situation. Once you start talking about it it's amazing how many people have been through it. However before I had dc1 it was just too painful, so don't be hurt if she doesn't open up to you. Good luck to you!

MrsBobDylan · 10/07/2016 11:02

I actually think you have done the almost impossible on MN and listened to replies, apologised and should be allowed to move on. Good on you op. I hope all goes well for you in your TTC journey.

gettingbythistime · 10/07/2016 11:03

Actually Margaret, I agree although not TTC subject to a friend if they have fertility issues. Frustrating for the TTc person but far far worse for the other person . I have huge experience in this dept..

DeadGood · 10/07/2016 11:06

"Trying for a baby is not news! Being pregnant or having a baby is news."

This

pictish · 10/07/2016 11:08

I don't think you were insensitive OP, but I do think it's the sort of information most people would ignore...and btw, our friends don't actually consider our circumstances and past history in all dealings with us either...they have their own shit to think about. You didn't consider the implication of your news on your friend's scenario after all. We can't be expected to consider all angles at all times. Our poor brains can only cope with so much.
She replied to you otherwise so everything's cool. Think you're getting a hard time on here unnecessarily. The only thing you're guilty of is maybe a teeny smidge of narcissism...but I don't think it was intentional and there's not a poster here who hasn't done something similar. Even if they're not aware of it.

Simpsonsaddict · 10/07/2016 11:08

You've had a really rough time on here - you didn't need 6 pages of quite horrible comments! Good luck with trying, hope it goes well.

For what it's worth - I do think trying to give your friend a bit of warning might help make any eventual pregnancy news a bit easier.

TheWindInThePillows · 10/07/2016 11:14

Op, I see some people are still intent on giving you a savaging despite your realisation!

I think you know now just how upsetting this can all be for people. One of my friends told me she didn't want to hear about my second pregnancy (or not the gory details) when she was TTC, she got too upset hearing all about my little ones, and I was fine with that. Obviously had it gone on for years, it would have been difficult, but banging on about a new baby and a pregnancy was too much for her for a month or two.

You sound like a nice friend deep down who perhaps lost sight of how this would feel to your friend in your own excitement.

The thing about your friend's husband, you have to leave behind, that's not your issue here.

Brightnorthernlights · 10/07/2016 11:20

Just to lighten the mood...

Very close friends called us up, said they had some v exciting news to share with us. Had been married about 18 months. We duly went round and there on the door were balloons (pink & blue) we went in beaming for them and their happy news. Friends open bottle of champagne for a toast...they announced that they were going to start TTC in 2 months time......🤔. Let's just say DH & I got the giggles and had to do a runner....

spidey66 · 10/07/2016 11:20

I think pesky has now accepted she was oversensitive.

We've had issues around fertility, though opted not to go for IVF. As I'm now nearly 50 I accepted long ago it wasn't to be, so when I was told last year I needed a hysterectomy it was like 'oh well, it's virtually a redundant organ anyway' so just went ahead with it.

In the past I have struggled when family and friends have become pregnant and have put on a brave face about it, though now I'm genuinely better with it.

When my brother and sil announced their pregnancy a few years back, they send me a card saying they hoped i wouldn't be upset by it as they were conscious of my own difficulties. I know they meant well but it was like fingernails down a blackboard and actually upset me more than just announcing it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/07/2016 11:23

Flowers op, ridiculous that people are still going at you!!

Fingers crossed for your ttc, exciting times!

spidey66 · 10/07/2016 11:24

brightnorthernlights how cringey.

My husband's best mate told us he and his wife were ttc. We didn't need to know. A few years later, she's had a baby....but having split from him and getting together with someone else.

I don't really understand why people announce they're ttc to be honest, even without my own difficulties. Just tell me when you're 12 weeks pregnant (unless we're very close).

spidey66 · 10/07/2016 11:28

'oversensitive' in my 1st post should read 'insensitive'.