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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:

Convenientflush · 10/07/2016 08:19

I agree it's not really news. You're not actually pregnant yet.

Your friend is acutely aware that it's not always easy, so can't get excited for you yet. It might take ages or you might have difficulties like she is.

Plus the comment about having babies at the same time is a bit insensitive.

Theearthmoved · 10/07/2016 08:19

When I had IVF I was told the chance of conceiving per cycle was less than 5%. I was also 37. She is probably completely realistic about her chances.

ThatAnneGirl · 10/07/2016 08:21

I wouldn't know what to say if someone told me they had decided to try for a baby. It's a bit like we are planning to get engaged. But with the added awkwardness of shagging.

That's exciting that you are going to be having loads of sex. We've just start d watching OITNB so we will be busy too.
Good luck you will need it. Getting pregnant is not always easy so it sounds like a curse from sleeping beauty
I'm so happy for you again, all the sex.

Zippidydoodah · 10/07/2016 08:22

I think you're being selfish and immature. There's no way I'd have told a friend in the same situation that we were trying for a baby. In fact, I'd have been worried about how to break the news to her if/when i actually became pregnant. Get over yourself! Enjoy the exciting time ttc but don't expect everyone else to be as excited as you are!

Roussette · 10/07/2016 08:22

It may be big news to you, OP, but it is very private news between the two people that are trying.

I can't imagine announcing this to anyone. If my best friend had told me this (whilst I was struggling with my fertility... which I was), I would have felt not so good. I probably would be thinking .... yeah... right... and you will probably get pregnant just like that whilst we are on yet another IVF attempt.

nuttymango · 10/07/2016 08:23

I think it's OK to say that you are trying for a baby but to say that it'd be good if you had babies at the same time when you know she has fertility issues is a bit insensitive TBH. I doesn't sound like you meant to be but I think it was, sorry.

RadicalPessimist · 10/07/2016 08:23

YABU. Announcing you're trying for a baby is a bit cringy really at the best of times. It's not your biggest news ever, don't be silly. All you're doing is having sex without contraception.

And if your friend is having fertility issues serious enough to need IVF it's very insensitive of you to announce you're trying. And then to gush on about how you'll hopefully have babies of similar ages?! Can you really not see how inappropriate that is?

maxeffort0satisfaction · 10/07/2016 08:23

trying for a baby is a minging expression.

you know its a sensitive issue for her..dont rub it in her face oh fantastic to be pregnant together.. just let it slide or confront her if u really cant. but I wouldn't recommend it.. ur being too emotional and ur not pregnant yet..

BalloonSlayer · 10/07/2016 08:23

I think you were slightly insensitive.

Starting to try for a baby isn't really news, because nothing might happen for ages. The only way it would be "news" is if you are anticipating instant success, so that if what your announcement shrieks "Guess what! I'm going to be pregnant soon!" This is hurtful and unnecessary when talking to a friend with fertility problems. Your comment that it would be great if you were both pregnant at the same time does neutralise it though, that was very sweet. But your friend will have had numerous "manage your expectations" conversations with her Doctors re the IVF, so she will have seen your message and thought: "Great. Yet another friend who will have a baby in the next year while I am still struggling."

You may be upset she didn't acknowledge your news but she might well be congratulating herself on not replying with a comment that really pissed on your chips and thinking she has acted with great restraint and manners.

couldntlovethebearmore · 10/07/2016 08:24

You sound quite self centred and immature to be honest

Houseconfusion · 10/07/2016 08:24

It's not news. Yet.

It's telling someone you are having unprotected sex.

And that someone is a person who has discovered that just having sex don't work for her. Yet she is expected to both believe in the vision of having a baby at the same time, and get excited about it.

Pl think for a moment?

branofthemist · 10/07/2016 08:24

Yabu. And your comment about having babies at the same time was insensitive. As is

Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them.

the road to ivf is a long incredibly hard and emotionally draining one. With no promise of success.

You basically told her you are having unprotected sex. That in its self is not a big deal. I would expect a congratulations on it or even a good luck. Especially from someone going through such a difficult time. I imagine over the years she has seen lots of people get pregnant and had babies. And each time it's caused her some pain.

snapcrap · 10/07/2016 08:25

I'm on the fence.

I think announcing you are trying for a baby and expecting some kind of congratulations or any solid response is a bit odd.

My sister invited my mum round with 'news'. Sis and brother in law solemnly told mum over an elaborate dinner that were trying for a baby and wanted her to know and be involved! My mum rang me and said she didn't know where to put herself, didn't know what they wanted and it wasn't even a time to say 'congratulations' so she said it was a very stilted, confused evening.

OP not only is your friend having fertility problems, maybe she is also thinking about you 'that's great but you never know where this journey will take you or how long it will be' so her response is tricky. Does she she 'Ok but be aware it might be a hard road' or 'congrats how exciting' which is premature and not the way she's feeling right now?

I do however of course understand this a big deal for you and something you want to discuss with close friends. I wish you all the luck in the world by the way!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/07/2016 08:25

I'm sorry, but whilst this is probably momentous to you, no one else will br at all interested to hear you are trying for a baby! Who actually tells people that?!

Couple this with a friend with derisory issues requiring IVF, and it makes you sound incredibly self centred and overwhelmingly insensitive.

Perhaps save telling people about the baby until there actually is one, rather than telling people about your intentions for unprotected sex

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/07/2016 08:27

As most other people have said, you have got this badly wrong. You should educate yourself on facing fertility issues and apologise to your friend.

Witchend · 10/07/2016 08:27

You do realise she may have been crying her eyes out at that?
I think she did well to keep replying to you.

Firstly it isn't big news.
Secondly her chance of conceiving is still pretty low. IVF isn't a guarantee you know?
Then she'll be thinking, great if she makes this much fuss over trying she's really going to rub it in if she actually gets pregnant and I'm going to lose my best friend.
Also she knows first hand that trying does not equal succeeding. She may genuinely nit known what to say that didn't sound like she was putting a damper on it.

frenchielala · 10/07/2016 08:28

I could see why this may have hit a raw nerve but I also think in a friendship you should support from both sides. Your friend is obviously going through a very testing and difficult time but I don't think that allows her to ignore something you've shared with her in good faith, it isn't like you're saying this to upset her. She didn't need to respond to the 'babies at the same time' but I think as a friend it would have been nice if she had acknowledged what you were saying with a 'good luck' or 'exciting', you know, a word or two to support her friend. I also think things can easily be misinterpreted over text messages. Why not give her a call in the week, it might be nice for you guys to catch up over the phone. There are sometimes things friends say in good faith that gut me a little bit over certain issues but I always try and respond and support them the best way I can, regardless.

I also don't think it is weird to share with close friends that you are trying for a baby if you want to - loads of my friends have told me and when I was trying I did share that information with a two friends who I thought would be excited for me and one who I knew was trying too.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 10/07/2016 08:28

Sorry, I think it was an insensitive thing to say too, they are suffering the heartache of infertility, together with the prospect of IVF which is not an easy experince to go through, with no guarantees. I imagine your comment will have hit a really sensitive spot, she's probably been reminded of how excited she and her DH felt when they started TTC and how devastated she has felt every month since.

1AngelicFruitCake · 10/07/2016 08:28

This reminds me of two of my friends. One had been trying for well over a year, the second friend kept joking about 'getting round to it e eventually'. The first friend continued ttc and was overjoyed to find out she was pregnant. However when second friend announced she was also pregnant after becoming pregnant straightaway, the first friend didn't congratulate her or ash how she was. Second friend just couldn't see how insensitive shed been.

OP, I think you haven't been as insensitive as my friend but your friend is probably now wondering if you'll be pregnant first and how she'll deal with that. Not your fault but it must be a hard time for her.

LyndaNotLinda · 10/07/2016 08:29

If I were about to start IVF and my best friend told me she was about to start having unprotected sex and assumed that she'd conceive at the drop of a hat, I'd be extremely irritated.

It's remarkably insensitive of you and also very crass to tell someone who you know is trouble conceiving that you're pretty certain you're not going to have any issues whatsoever.

Dutchcourage · 10/07/2016 08:30

I had ten years of infertility so no - it's really no excuse to ignore you.

I had friends and family tell me they were going to start a family, we would laugh about giving up booze and fags and how they were going to be permanently skint and tired or have to 'endure unnessacary shags' . I managed it because I cared for the people in my life and my situation didn't trump any one else's happiness or excitement.

One of my best friends was still able to congratulate me on my pregnancy when she had just miscarriaged. She was still able to text and ask how scans went s d how I was feeling, because we genuinly cared about each other.

I was able to help my niece when she needed help getting an abortion a few weeks ago - I'm 23 weeks pregnant. I did this because my situation does not trump everybody else's.

Only on MN are you not allowed to be happy or excited or discuss these things with close friends or family incase you offend anyfucker.

Good luck op hope you get pregnant quick for a spring baby!!

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 10/07/2016 08:32

Yeah, you were insensitive. Trying for a baby isn't news you share with someone who is having fertility issues and the comment about having babies together was twatty in the extreme. Get over yourself.

eurochick · 10/07/2016 08:33

Unsuccessful ttc is a heartbreaking time. If I were in your friend's situation I would think "great, another friend about to overtake me and move on to the next stage". She is likely to have seen lots of friends meet partners, get married and have babies, all while she is ttc. The feeling of being left behind in life is horrible.

ThatsMyStapler · 10/07/2016 08:35

I think trying for a baby is a bit cringey. You're having sex. That's no body's business.
I disagree with this one, surely you could say the same about being engaged, you've not actually done anything (except get a ring maybe)/ Trying for a baby is saying you are moving to the next level (or to a new level) in your relationship

Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them.

this though, you were ok to mention it - i think - so if you are successful she will have had some warning, but I find your comments a bit cold, and thoughtless to expect her to be happy for you - I haven't done IVF, but I have seen the disappointment in my friends and family when going through it and it not working.

I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues

How can you support her by doing the one thing you know she cant do (without help - and still might not work) and if it never works for her, do you really think she wants to go 'on your journey' with you?

Yes you have been 'hideously insensitive', but i dont know how you can fix it

frenchielala · 10/07/2016 08:36

Dutchcourage I completely agree with what you said and you articulated it far better than I did. Congrats on the pregnancy.

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