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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
impossible · 11/07/2016 20:21

Don’t be too hard on yourself peskyfeelings. Think of it as a warning shot as however things play out it’s likely you’ll have to tread carefully in future. In my experience it’s not easy for someone without children to immerse themselves in the life of a friend with a baby. New parents can seem very tedious and self-absorbed. I hope you are both lucky and but if not make sure you keep an element of your friendship baby free if you want it to survive. It sounds as though you have a friendship worth keeping.

mygorgeousmilo · 11/07/2016 20:36

Sorry OP but YABU and I know you didn't set out to be, but you are!
Your best friend is in the devastating black hole of infertility, not knowing if the next round of IVF will work or not, being pumped full of hormones, desperately awaiting for something to happen that is totally out of her control. You've suggested, via text, that it's effectively going to be so easy for you to fall pregnant, that you could have one at any time and could both be pregnant together. Imagine yourself, after this announcement that you've made, we're five years down the line, there's still no baby and you weep every time somebody else gets that 'good news'. There is, quite honestly, nothing more emotionally agonising than wanting a baby but not being able to have one. You really need to put yourself in her shoes and apologise for being insensitive. Of course you are excited about trying for a baby, but she's not in that place right now. Think of it like this, your friend has been cheated on and dumped by her DH and you come out with "yeah that's crappy, but look at this rock!" And crack open the champagne. By all means let her know what's going on in your life, but be tactful about it.

Aria999 · 11/07/2016 20:36

OP I also started trying at 37. It was a massive decision to us. I totally get how it can be big news to a close friend. Good luck! (Took us just over a year and no ivf needed though other people getting pregnant did start to get depressing)

frozenfairy123 · 11/07/2016 20:54

I'm sorry but u were very insensitive without meaning to be. I didn't even need to have ivf but trying for a year and a miscarriage was enough to bring me days of crying and dispare over anyone's announcement, let alone a bf. If I were u I would apologise for being insensitive and ask her if she wants to talk about it? If not then do not mention your ttc again. Xx

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2016 20:57

Have any of the recent posters bothered to read the thread? The op has said repeatedly that she was out of order. There really is no need to keep telling her she was in the wrong.

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2016 21:11

Have any of the recent posters bothered to read the thread?

Nope. Not even just the OP's posts.

I don't understand why people reply without reading.

isabella392 · 11/07/2016 21:22

Omg 'they are waiting for ivf so hopefully that will work soon'
Do you have ANY idea what IVF actually involves??? IVF doesn't guarantee pregnancy, on top of that it is stressful, expensive, intrusive, in fact your friend's fertility journey may well be one of the defining moments of her life.

NerrSnerr · 11/07/2016 21:25

Fucking hell, if you can't be arsed to read the full thread then at least read the last few posts!

Stop giving the OP a bashing, she admitted she was unreasonable ago!!

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2016 21:25

There goes another one. isabella did you really think in ten pages no one would have mentioned that IVF is spectacularly shit?

The op has repeatedly said she was unreasonable. If you'd bothered to read her posts you would have noticed. Biscuit

Drbint · 11/07/2016 21:42

The hardest thing for me was telling her I was pregnant which I did face to face

What a horrible, cruel thing to do to her. I'll bet you thought this was being thoughtful or honest, didn't you? When in fact it was you telling her in the worst possible way - you gave her nowhere to hide, and no time to compose herself. You knew your news would be painful to her. How could you do that? And you say it was the hardest thing for you. Jesus Christ. Your poor, poor friend.

mikapika · 11/07/2016 21:46

I tried and tried for a baby. It's only when your trying comes to naught that you realise 'trying for a baby' is based on a whole load of assumptions that you only realise were PRE-sumptions when they actually don't work out
I think she might be feeling something like; 'I 'tried' for a baby until that came to nothing' I really hope your 'trying' follows the trajectory you hope it will. Love x

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2016 21:47

Anyone want to take bets on how many twits will continue to berate the op despite her admitting she was wrong?

Op I hope you're not still reading this... Hide this thread now if you are.

Czerny88 · 11/07/2016 22:01

Yes, totally insensitive. You are basically expecting her to be excited about your expectation of becoming pregnant easily, simply by having sex. Precisely what she has found herself unable to do, and what has led to her having to undergo a protracted period of invasive procedures and all the accompanying emotional distress.

Don't be so thoughtless; share your "news" with someone for whom it won't cause pain.

Czerny88 · 11/07/2016 22:03

P.S. Sorry - I didn't read all ten pages either... I posted because this is an issue I feel strongly about and I sincerely wish people would try to be more thoughtful.

NerrSnerr · 11/07/2016 22:04

At least read the last page to see how the thread has concluded. The OP knows she was unreasonable and doesn't need more people sticking the boot in.

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2016 22:06

Do you know how to highlight the op's posts czerny? Did you not see she completely accepted she was out of order? There's no need tell her she was being insensitive-she knows.

LyndaNotLinda · 11/07/2016 22:25

FGS - if you haven't bothered to read the thread, why post? Who cares what you think when you've hadn't had the courtesy to read the OP's posts?

TheLittlestBear · 11/07/2016 22:27

I don't think its weird to tell close friends if you are trying for a baby. The amount of people (especially strangers) who asked me if my pregnancy was planned was through the roof. I think that's weirder.

icy121 · 11/07/2016 22:29

OP have you spoken to your friend since? Is there an update?

BigWLittleJ · 11/07/2016 22:35

I went through the pain of infertility and IVF, it was absolutely bloody awful. There are no words to describe how much my heart broke every time I found out a friend was pregnant or had a baby. I had a friend tell me excitedly once that she and her DH were trying, she knew about our infertility. I felt physically sick with worry that she, like most of my circle, would fall pregnant and have the baby, before we had a cycle that worked. She did, and then fell pregnant again before we had even had so much as a faint BFP. It was soul destroying.

kate7590 · 11/07/2016 22:43

Yh I think YABU too….
I will never understand how people think 'we're trying to get pregnant' is news?! You're having sex, who the hell else needs to know about that :/
And to say to your friend who is struggling to conceive through IVF that 'you hope you'll have babies together & support each other' is extremely insensitive.

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2016 22:47

Read the thread kate? YABU yourself.

I cannot understand why people think that in ten pages people think the thread won't have moved on from the first post...

lorilobs · 11/07/2016 23:01

Yeah, I think you've been insensitive here.
Her situation is that she has been stuck thinking about getting pregnant, and now needs to accept interventions, or possibly nothing can be done to move her past that stage.
It's a shame she's the only friend you wanted to share that news with.
I think you should have spoken to her in person, perhaps when she's going to be most hurt-when you are actually pregnant.
You're rubbing salt on her wound.

PippaPeppermint · 11/07/2016 23:05

Oh pesky. What a time you're having! When I read your op my initial response was 'yabu, get over yourself', but having read your subsequent replies and the posts from others, I've changed my mind somewhat. Yes, uou were possibly a little insensitive, but we're all guilty of that at times. And I can't help thinking how much worse it would be for your friend if you were to suddenly announce a pregnancy without so much of a heads-up that it was on the cards.

I would say, though, dont tell too many people that you're ttc because you wont be able to refuse an alcoholic drink or eat a ginger biscuit without people second guessing the reasons which gets really tiring after a while!

Good luck. Fwiw, I conceived my ds on my first cycle when I was 37. I hope you're lucky too. Flowers

happybee1 · 11/07/2016 23:27

I agree with Mouldy, you are being very insensitive. She has tried for years and Ivf is not easy. The comment of being pregnant together only puts more pressure on the situation. How is she then going to feel if you get pregnant and her ivf fails? She will have already have had to deal with everybody getting pregnant around her and trying for years.