To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

[peskyfeelings]

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

Lordy! You text her to tell her this and expected a reply. The very least you could have done was picked up the phone for that conversation.

I am acutely aware of how lucky I am to have had no out of the ordinary issues conceiving children. But my best friend had been trying for over 4 years at the point I fell pregnant. Dh and I had been loosely trying for just 9 months.

I waited until I could see her in person to tell her I was pregnant, hug her and commiserate with her if she wanted about her struggle. It hadn't even occurred to me to tell her we were actively trying as that would just be insensitive. She needed me to listen to her pouring out her heart that this was yet another month where her period had dashed their hopes.

I think you have been short sighted expecting gushing congratulations. You're not pregnant. You don't know that you're not going to struggle.

Apologise to your friend for being insensitive. In person/via phone. Acknowledge her struggle to be a parent.

It's an easy thing to say 'we might be pregnant at the same time'. But deeply insensitive. What makes you think that might happen with you when others have made the same comment and it's not been that way.

As it happens, my story does have a happy ending. Our eldest born have birthdays just 6 weeks apart. But after the long road my friend had to get there, it was something we never dared hope would happen.

Some advice: be careful sharing those fears of your own that it might not work.
Trust me, when you've waited for and IVF, it gets really old with heating people moan about that, only to see them pregnant within 6 months.
Save the "oh my god what if it never happens for me?" for other friends or the internet.

When we were struggling people telling me that they were trying brought this irrational panic they would get there before us. Many of them did and you cannot control your feeling and the associated guilt that goes with it.
Good luck ttc though

It's great OP that it's a fab decision for you and that you've come out the other end of abusive relationship and you are in that place where you can think of starting a family.

I just wonder what you were expecting your friend to say because there's not a lot anyone can say... 'congratulations' doesn't really work does it...

Your friend's non acknowledgement of this has told you all you need to know. Of course you aren't a rubbish friend, if you were you wouldn't be worried about her non-reaction. We all make mistakes and say the wrong thing - lord knows I've done it with my best friend. Just tread a bit carefully with this subject from now on...

I think Yabu because you know she's having IVF but don't understand the physical, emotional and financial difficulties she will be facing. That's a crap friend. Sorry.

You text her to tell her this and expected a reply. The very least you could have done was picked up the phone for that conversation.

I very strongly disagree with this. I think it's much kinder to let someone deal with this kind of conversation in their own time and give them a chance to compose themselves and their reply.

I didn't expect gushing congratulations Mini. We were talking about how she's started back on her weight loss plan as she needs to lower her BMI before IVF. I was pretty much encouraging her and saying she could do it etc. Then she asked how DP and I were and how it was going, so I decided to mention it.

It wasn't quite the "ACKNOWLEDGE MY STAGGERING ANNOUNCEMENT" big reveal people are assuming.

Perhaps I didn't fully appreciate her feelings. Perhaps I also don't know enough about IVF. I've always just accepted her saying that the fertility issues are her DPs. However I'm now not sure from what I've just read how likely that situation is?

I wouldn't dream of sharing those fears with her Cabrinha. In fact I don't intend to raise the issue again after I've apologised.

It might be her dh, does that matter? The outcome is the same, don't get hung up on that or think that this would be somehow reassuring to her

Apologies then, but if you can perhaps think about how we have interpreted the text on a page here, your friend may have interpreted a text message similarly.

Some conversations are always better be be had in person/voice. You can pick up of voice tone in a way that a text message cannot convey.

I do wish you well though, it is exciting deciding to try and conceive. And I hope that you do not have a long wait to be parents.

I will check out that post user7755 Thank you. :)

Thank you Mini. I hope not either and I hope the same for my friend.

I have a friend who is 38 and has been trying for over a year for her 1st. A lot of our friends are pregnant or having babies and I know it's really hard for her because she texts me about it a lot. My kids are 4 and 6 and I think she finds that less painful the seeing people with babies. However when we decided to start trying for number 3 I made a point of telling her because I didn't want to suddenly Spring the news on her that I too was pregnant. She took it very well but I don't for a second consider us to be in the same boat and I pray that she gets pregnant before I do - I am dreading telling her if I do get pregnant again.

OP yes you were a bit insensitive but you know that now. You know your relationship so maybe you should apologise or just let it slide. Lots and lots of luck TTC (and it's perfectly normal to tell people - all my friends and family know!) lots of woman get pregnant at 37

Thank you Grouchymare. I will apologise. Knowing my friend she will either just tell me straight it upset her, or say she forgot to acknowledge it cos she's scatterbrained (she calls herself that, not me)

She's such a straight talking person though that I'm quite surprised she didn't just hang me out to dry last night. She would normally if I piss her off!

I appreciate your well wishes. :)

I really hope your friend conceives soon too.

I agree with grouchy - it would be a shock to her if you suddenly announced to her that you were pregnant without her being aware that you were trying. This way gives her a chance to prepare herself for you potentially having a baby before her. Yes, that breezy comment was a little thoughtless, but you realise that now.
As for not telling good friends you're TTC, it all depends on the person. I didn't as I'm quite private, but my best friend told me. Everyone's different.

If I was going through Ivf and someone told me wouldn't it be great if we had babies at around the same time I'd probably envision myself giving that person a good slap (I'd never do it I'd just want to do it).

OP I've never been through Ivf but I know people who have and it can be a very difficult time.

I agree with starting to try for a baby is not really news but it might be news that would upset your friend especially if you get pregnant with ease.

Sorry, what's the news?
Starting to try isn't news.
I would congratulate someone who has bought a new house. I wouldn't congratulate someone who told me they fired up Rightmove last week
This might be exciting for you but it is totally inconsequential to everyone else.

I suspect that her instinct would have been to say 'I hope it works' or 'I hope you don't have any problems' so it's probably best she said nothing.

I haven't told anyone except her that we are trying. I only told her because she's always asking me!

It's amazing how many friends do ask me when I'm going to have a baby to be honest. It's all well and good to say keep it a secret, but it's actually quite tricky. There's always a hint of "get your skates on before it's too late" about it as well.

Which makes me worry that it is. :( I didn't appreciate the pressure of trying to do these things later in life. Probably why I didn't fully appreciate the pressure on my friend.

I think you were pretty awful to say those things to her. Poor woman. You should apologise in my opinion.

I came on to advise you that you were being unreasonable as most of the other posters have but I see you've been given that advice and you've taken it on the chin, good on you.

I've also been through IVF and it feels like everyone around you is shagging and getting pregnant and that you are the only person in the world who can't manage that. It's horrid. Also the wait for IVF was a year for us, a very long, hard year after 3 years of unsuccessful TTC. Looking back I'm not sure how I got through it! But I am a success story and hopefully your friend is too.

Fair point Sparechange. :)

I don't think it's generally news either. However here is a small list of the people just this month who have asked when I'm going to have a baby.

My mother
My DPs mother (with the words "I'm never going to be a grandma") Incidentally she has three sons. My DP is the oldest and he's only in his twenties!
Three of my friends
A new work colleague!!!

It does get quite difficult to deal with. Perhaps I just have the worlds nosiest friends and family?

10 years ago, my life was in such chaos that I never thought I would ever be in a position ever to TTC, so I think I get why you feel entitled to congratulations, I do.

It seems as though you and your friend would really benefit from a very direct face-to-face chat, which from what you've said, shouldn't be a problem. At the moment (assuming you have no as-yet-undiagnosed fertility issues) your chances of success are very much greater than hers, and that must be really hard for her to cope with. I think you need to put your feelings second to hers and acknowledge that.

I'm glad it worked for you SteveArnottsLoverPlease. :)

I would like to think I've taken it on the chin. I'm not scared to admit when I'm in the wrong about something and I clearly am here.

Oh dear I happen to think that the op has had a rough deal on here. It is probably true that the announcement was like a knife in the stomach to her friend BUT she came here for advice on how to deal with a situation and has received a barrage of abuse about her insensitivity and immaturity which her response suggest she actually isn't. OP - if you have that kind of relationship just call her, apologise and sort it out, if she doesn't want to talk about it that's fine but you were probably better to warn her instead of shockingly announcing you were pregnant. And I hope for you both that it happens quickly