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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 10/07/2016 08:38

I must admit the first thing I thought was 'how would I respond to my best friend announcing she's about to embark on lots of unprotected sex?!'

I honestly wouldn't take it to heart.

Pipbin · 10/07/2016 08:38

Garden has hit the nail square on the head.

I remember those exciting days of starting to try for a baby. I understand how excited you are and how monumental it feels.
For me it was around the time of the Royal wedding when we started to try.
Three rounds of IVF and one miscarriage later and still no baby, and there never will be.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:38

OK, point taken everybody. I won't mention it anymore and try and be more supportive.

To the people who have questioned though...trying for a baby IS a massive deal to me. I've been through a lot of utter shit in my life and after two hideously abusive relationships never thought I would be in the position to even dream of having my own family. I totally agree it's cringe worthy to tell people you're tying for a baby. I wouldn't mention it to anyone else except her for that reason.

I managed to paint a smile on my face a few years back when she was telling me all about her planned baby just after my fiance had dumped me in the cruellest manner possible. Perhaps it's not the same thing though. I honestly just wanted to share it all with her as I have nobody else to talk babies with and she normally loves to talk about her planned baby when I see her.

I accept I've probably put my foot in it with my over excitement though. I won't say anything else about it to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:39

I'm so very sorry Pipbin.

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SolomanDaisy · 10/07/2016 08:40

You were very insensitive to her. She might be telling you she's feeling positive about IVF, but she's already been through years of trying to conceive and IVF is no guarantee. She's probably surprised that you could be so insensitive to her and, as a good friend, simultaneously hoping that you don't have to go through what she's been through. Your naivety probably sounds horrifying to her.

LyndaNotLinda · 10/07/2016 08:41

Dutch - it's great that you can be do phlegmatic about it. Not everyone feels that way.

My best friend cancelled my visit when I was pregnant because she found it so hard to see pregnant bellies at that point in her infertility journey. So not 'just on MN' Hmm

Please don't deny the fact that many people find infertility deeply emotionally painful.

I'm glad you're finally pregnant. My friend wasn't so lucky sadly.

greenfolder · 10/07/2016 08:41

The whole thing about it being amazing to have babies together is one of the most insensitive things I have ever read on mumsnet. Apologise to her.

Janecc · 10/07/2016 08:44

You are being a really horrible friend.

I did Ivf and got pregnant after the 3rd attempt. I was really sensitive to a friends feelings, whose ivf was not yet successful.

Stop jiggling that pea inside your brain and start thinking about how hard it is for her.

MollyTwo · 10/07/2016 08:47

Yabu, what reaction did you want to you saying that? All you are saying to her is you will be having sex, what should she say to that? Given that she is having fertility issues, did you expect her to be all chatty and full of conversation about it? Think you should keep quiet about it.

pictish · 10/07/2016 08:49

I agree that trying for a baby isn't news to react to.

Cabrinha · 10/07/2016 08:49

No, it's not the same thing!
Ultimately, you chose to be in bad relationships that weren't going to lead to children. She hasn't chosen to have a body that doesn't work properly!

When I was doing IVF, I would probably have replied with a 'good luck' but my internal eye roll with the 'lucky her she doesn't have a fucking clue' at your teenage "we could be pregnant together, yay!" crap would have been really loud.

ellesbellesxxx · 10/07/2016 08:50

I am currently waiting to start IVF and a text like that would have made me cry... Of course I would love to have babies at the same time as my friends but their babies are already walking and talking... Ttc to someone with infertility isn't exciting or magical, it's full of uncertainty, pressure and disappointment... If I had a message like that two years ago, I would have been "yay how exciting! Good luck!" Now... I would probably say "hope that goes well" but I wouldn't want to know!!!!

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:51

Actually I'm not a horrible friend. In fact she always says I am her best friend and more understanding/supportive than anyone else I know.

I appreciate I over stepped the mark on this occasion, but it was a misjudgement. I will apologise to her in due course.

Our relationship is not known for being a sensitive one though. She's the most straight talking and to the point person I know. Her first response to seeing my engagement ring (from above mentioned fiance) was "When I get engaged I'm going to get a really big diamond"

Ugh. Now we both sound like twats! We honestly aren't. I've just screwed up with this one.

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AuldYow · 10/07/2016 08:51

Sorry but I think you're being insensitive.

One of my closet friends struggled to have children they had several rounds of IVF it was a really horrendous time for her. When we decided to have children I mentioned nothing to her as it was something she didn't need to know. The hardest thing for me was telling her I was pregnant which I did face to face, it hit her hard and I didn't see her much. Which was totally fine as she was getting her head round so much stuff.

Give your friend some space, what if you can't have your babies together what if you do and she doesn't? Think how she would feel...

WalkingZed · 10/07/2016 08:53

It is exciting news but just for you.

Enjoy ttc and I hope you are successful really soon.

It's good that you can see you've bu. I think you have just got a little carried away. I don't agree with the comments about you being a hideous friend.

Just beat in mind how your friend is feeling and the emotion of infertility and IVF. I wouldn't mention ttc again.

Just be there for her.

voxnihili · 10/07/2016 08:54

My best friend and I talk about trying for a baby. We were both considering starting trying at the same time and it has been nice to have someone to talk to. We've had someone to ask ridiculous questions to rather than irritating our partners and putting them off.

I remember a conversation my friend and I had where I was starting to talk about how it wasn't going to plan and it was met with what I felt were quite a few insensitive comments, which was unusual as it isn't like my friend to be like that. It turned out she had just found out she was pregnant and was worrying about how she would tell me and she ended up trying to be really positive for me but that really upset me.

Once everything was out in the open we were able to talk about our experiences. What helped was keeping everything separate. Whilst I think it is fine that you told her you were TTC, I don't think you should have mentioned you both having babies around the same time. I really think you should acknowledge that comment.

mouldycheesefan · 10/07/2016 08:57

At 37 I think the op is unfortunately overestimating her own chances of getting pg without any fertility assistance.
But the friend is still waiting for ivf and could be waiting years.
💐 for the friend

AlwaysDancing1234 · 10/07/2016 08:57

I don't think you are a rubbish friend at all, if you were you wouldn't be worrying about your friend now.

You have recognised now that you made a misjudgement in saying those things to your friend. Maybe send her a message saying that you are sorry if those comments upset her, you didn't mean to sound thoughtless etc.

From what you've said about your past I appreciate that making he decision to start trying for a baby is a big deal for you, it was for me too so I totally get that and why you'd want to share it with your friend.

I hope the comments on here have helped you to understand the feelings around fertility a bit better too.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:58

Also, she's always asking when I'm going to have a baby. She's said herself it would be great if we could both become mothers. That's why I didn't think it was a taboo subject. I can see that was an error on my part.

I don't also naively think I will just waltz into pregnancy myself. I'm terrified it won't work as well.

Incidentally, she's always told me the issues are her DPs, and that her fertility is normal. Perhaps that's not the case though (not that that makes it any easier of course) I don't know enough about IVF to judge.

I was genuinely just wanting to bond with her, but I can see I didn't think it through.

OP posts:
Alibobbob · 10/07/2016 08:59

I think she just needs time for this to settle in and I am sure she will be happy and supportive when it does. Plus it gives her prior warning that you may have some baby news in the near future.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 09:02

What an unnecessary comment mouldycheesefan. Of course I'm terrified I won't be able to get pregnant myself.

I have no children. My worst fear is that I'll never be able to have them.

I'm consumed with it night and day as it happens. I also fervently hope my friend can have the baby she longs for.

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user7755 · 10/07/2016 09:02

You've had a rough time on here and taken it on the chin. Might be an idea to read the thread on things not to say to a woman struggling with her fertility. The big one for me is the 'yay we can have babies together' for you that was probably being positive and encouraging, for someone experiencing infertility that's a very sharp and painful reminder that not only will that probably never happen but also that you are on your own with this because everyone else's body works fine and they just don't get it.

I see that you didn't mean it but just check out that other post.

MargaretCavendish · 10/07/2016 09:02

I think you were a bit insensitive, but I am also surprised at all the people who think it's a weird thing to share with a close friend at all. I met up with a very close friend recently and told her that my husband and I are going to try for a baby; we chatted about that for a bit and then moved on to talking about her various adventures with online dating. I can't imagine having a 'best friend' where sex was a taboo or even surprising topic.

Blueberry234 · 10/07/2016 09:04

W

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 09:04

Thank you AlwaysDancing. I will send her a text and apologise for my insensitivity.

It is totally uncharted territory for me (despite my geriatric state ;) )

I will try and be more mindful in the future.

OP posts: