DH earns more but wants to split mortgage equally

[HussellRobbs]

Hello,

Just exchanged contracts as first time buyer. Mortgage will be £1700pm. DH put £10k more than me into deposit.

DH earns £2.6kpm and I earn £1.9k, so joint income of £4.5kpm.

Currently all bills split equally except DH pays £200 more each month towards our rent. However, he says when we start paying mortgage, we will go halves so £850 each pm. His reason is that I should be pushing employer for a promotion/raise. He said once I get a substantial raise, he will start paying £200 extra towards mortgage.

I think this is unfair as DH earns more and will therefore have more disposable income. He is also spendthrift whereas I am a saver and I will use saved money for things for the new house e.g. extension.

I think DH should continue paying £200 more than me.

We are also having other issues that mean I feel we are more like room mates at times rather than married partners and I think his stance on this just re-enforces my feelings.

AIBU?

Amazed at number of married couples who split household bills like they're in some kind of business arrangement. Horses for courses I suppose but don't people get that whereas a proportional split might superficially seem fair the higher earner ends up with more, potentially a lot more disposable income. One partner can buy nice clothes, join a gym, go out and away as they please.....the other can't, either going without or depending instead on the generosity of their partner....not at all healthy in my opinion despite all those posting on here saying they do it.

amaia just because that works for
You, doesn't mean it works for everyone.

amaia just because that works for You, doesn't mean it works for everyone.

Not really, amaia is just stating the actual definition of marriage, the joining of two separate people in to one legal union.

You don't expect him to make you pay while on maternity leave but I guess you didn't expect the behaviours he is already showing.

You'd be mad to complete and conceive with this man.

Value yourself more and get out.

Oh dear OP sounds like you're in a bind.

You both need to work out if your relationship is worth working for. I believe relationships and loving someone are a choice - but there has to be some benefit for both parties and at the moment it doesn't sound like there's much in it for you.

He sounds like he has deeper problems & low self esteem. Controlling your spending money / silent treatments in the past / withholding sex are all ways of making himself feel better by giving himself a sense of control. That's his problem. One thing I've learned is not to let people make their problems my problems.

You've stopped the silent treatment so that's really positive. Can you do the same for the other controlling behaviours? Either by yourself or through couples counselling. You both should WANT to be in a place where you're both happy, and from what you've said your DH doesn't sound like a particularly happy person?

Could you compromise and ask him to put the £200 per month into a savings account ? That way he's not 'frittering' it away?

Again, haven't RTFT but we each have a personal account and also have a joint account. We pay 80% of earnings into the joint account and ALL household stuff, Inc mortgage is paid out of this. The amounts are different but it feels like we contribute can equal proportion of income.

ON another issue, why are you accepting his attitude and a relationship that feels more like roommates? We only have one run at this life...

I agree with you OP. The higher earner should IMO pay a higher proportion of the bills. If he had this line of thinking, he should have said it to you before buying the house.

After paying half the mortgage, you'll be left with £1,050. How much will you be left with after paying your half of the bills? Is that going to be enough for the month for you? I imagine you pay regular personal bills as well, like mobile phone contract, possibly car insurance, other vehicle related expenditure, gym membership maybe.

The amount you are left with to save or have as disposable income is quite important.

If there's one thing in my marriage I would have done differently from the beginning, it would be to discuss the finances and how it should be a bit more joined up, as opposed to yours and mine. It's too late now though and we have a different system that works okayish.

DH and I have never had a joint account but bills are paid proportionately so we did end up with similar though not exact disposable incomes. The reason it works for us is we both had a lot of money left over for our own wants. Amai it means stuff like when DH spent a thousand pounds on a rowing machine he could just buy it without the need for any discussion about if ok to take from a joint account. It means when I decided I wanted to buy my hard up sis a fridge freezer I could just do it.

Your marriage sounds terrible op. Marriages have highs and lows and that is to be expected but I see only lows on the horizon for you. Sadly mine is currently going through the second really bad time in its 19 year history. I would make my own thread but I can't stand the thought of sharing. My terrible low is countenanced by me remembering the good times though.

I can never understand why people don't pool their finances? Surely as a marriage and partnership his money is yours and vice versa?
Or am I just old fashioned? (If so I'm quite happy being that way lol)

At least you're getting something of a heads- up as to what he might be like in the event of a divorce/ separation.

The fairest way is for joint expenditure to be pooled but for each person to have an equal amount for free spending on themselves. How this is practically divided up is up to the couple, there are a number of ways that this can be done.

So joint expenses would be rent/mortgage, bills, child expenses, groceries, holidays, white goods etc, emergency savings, cars as needed and within budget, and fuelling and maintenance of said cars, work travel.

After joint essential expenses are covered, each party gets an affordable amount for their own personal spending and anything personal and discretionary comes out of that - clothes for adults, hobbies, drinks with friends, books, magazines, that sort of thing.

Of course there is some overlap and room for interpretation that the couple would need to agree on, and that depends largely on how much disposable income there is. If funds are short, a lot more control is needed but if there is a lot more disposable income, things can be more relaxed.

I'm thinking of things where the amount spent can vary hugely and people have different ideas about what is reasonable, eg

Mobile phone - essential but should come out of personal money - what if one person is happy with a basic phone and a tenner a month contract, but for the other, only the latest smartphone with all you can eat data will do?

Cars - small, cheap to run, second hand and kept for ages, or new, sporty and replaced every 2/3 years?

Work lunches - leftovers from home or daily trips to Pret or similar?

You can't say that a car, work lunch, or mobile phone is a 'joint expense all out of the same pot' if one person is spending £100 pm on these items and the other £1000 pm'

Based on if you earn more he will pay more how little will he pay when you are on maternity pay?

You will be putting in all your money with no left over for a new pair of socks.

19lottie and Pier - I apologise of my previous post sounded judgemental and Piermrnator, I'm very sorry you are going through a hard time. Hope you can find some support?

Each to their own I guess. I can see how separate accounts could be viable for couples who don't have children, especially if you were co-habiting before. I can't imagine though how it could work once children come along. Would it be like - "I bought all the nappies this month, so you can get the pushchair then". We had 3 children in fairly close succession and I've not worked for years as a result, but, to us, the whole point of a marriage is that you are part of a shared unit. DH has never made me feel like the children and I spend "his" money and neither one of us have ever needed to justify our spending habits to the other. To us it's just about living within your means and mutual respect. I could not imagine being in a marriage where you had to keep track of who paid for what - it would just do my head in. I do recognise that people have different attitudes though and that our kind of set up would not be for everyone.

OP 💐 and please don't have children unless the resentment in your marriage can be resolved. You would become so much more vulnerable once you are pregnant with his child.

"but if I pay £850 mortgage each month, that would leave me with hardly any money for myself."

"He isn't shitty about everything (pays for 90% of meals and days out etc). He also paid for our holiday even though I offered half. "

The combination of these two things concerns me. He wants all of your money tied up so that you have to rely on him to fund everything else. What happens if one day he decides he doesn't like something you've done and refuses to give you the money for food shopping or agreed events?

I'm not saying this is definitely what he has in mind, but this is how financial abuse starts. You should ALWAYS try and make sure you retain some amount of financial control over your own earnings.

Also, why would he start paying more again only if you get a raise? Surely if you get a raise, thats the time to look at whether he can STOP contributing more than half?

I can never understand why people don't pool their finances?

My partner doesn't want to be kept by me, and doesn't think it's fair that they should get a substantial amount of the money I earn from working long 7 day weeks, to fund their lifestyle choices, and would rather stand on their own feet.

Something that is agreed by both of us.

What works for some, doesn't work for others, obviously.

We don't pool our finances as DH is self employed and so its easier to keep the business side of things separate from the family side of things.

However, we do pay our fair shares. Currently that means I pay the vast majority of the bills as I out earn DH by quite a lot. What sort of partner would leave the person they love struggling for money to teach them a lesson? Theoretically DH has a bit more disposable income than I do each month but as we both tend to save up for things for the family nobody ends up "worse off".

I know a couple who are at the brink of divorce as a result of the "what's mine is mine" attitude.

He earns more than her.... For instance, he wants to go on holiday. She can't afford to... She feels pressured to go not to, so gets into debt..... And so it goes on and she's at the verge of bankruptcy, but that's her problem as its her debt, not his....

The only time I can see not pooling resources working in a marriage is if, firstly, there's an understanding there will be no children, or if there are that next to no parental leave will be taken, and secondly, both partners have well-paid jobs such ensuring that money is not a problem to either of them. Even then, what happens if a partner loses their job, becomes sick, does the other partner make the out-of-work one give IOUs?

No one has to get married, but if you do, then to have a "what's mine is mine" attitude is surely detrimental to it.

Flashbang
We don't pool and when DH was out of work I paid for everything. When his income was zero or close to zero then his proportionate share was also zero. We have two children and it still works.

Its not how couples manage their money that is the issue but fairness. Whatever, system is in place it shouldn't place one party in a better position than the other.

I know a couple who are at the brink of divorce as a result of the "what's mine is mine" attitude.

He's in for a shock, then.

We also don't pool. We put same into joint account as earn roughly the same and all comes out from there

We both work. No kids - dinks I believe we are called and as both spend our own money on things we both want

Doesn't matter how couples work it out whether pooled single shared etc - as long as it works for that couple and all are happy

DH spent a thousand pounds on a rowing machine . . . he could just buy it without the need for any discussion about if ok to take from a joint account.

Was there any discussion about where the rowing machine might go? They're not small!

We have gone 50/50 even though I earn more money. A few years ago when we were living with my parents I paid for some of his bills to help support him retraining etc and when he only had a shitty low income job that wouldn't quite cover it. I'm going on maternity leave next week and when I go back to work I will be earning quite a bit less that I am now (going from shifts/nights to mon-fri) and he has just been offered a new job paying more, so essentially a role reversal. My outgoings will exceed my incomings and he is happy to club our money together and pay the bills, save some and then split the rest equally (meaning he is paying more than me). I think maybe I don't see a problem with this because it was the other way around for a few years but I think it would be shitty expecting him to pay more just because he earns more.

"My partner doesn't want to be kept by me, and doesn't think it's fair that they should get a substantial amount of the money I earn from working long 7 day weeks, to fund their lifestyle choices, and would rather stand on their own feet."

What happens if you want to go out to eat or do something else you can afford, but he can't afford? Does he stay at home?

We do 50/50 but we discussed and agreed it and are both happy. Our finances are a bit complicated and it suits us both. If it didn't suit one of us we would discuss and find a solution.