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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH earns more but wants to split mortgage equally

210 replies

HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 14:20

Hello,

Just exchanged contracts as first time buyer. Mortgage will be £1700pm. DH put £10k more than me into deposit.

DH earns £2.6kpm and I earn £1.9k, so joint income of £4.5kpm.

Currently all bills split equally except DH pays £200 more each month towards our rent. However, he says when we start paying mortgage, we will go halves so £850 each pm. His reason is that I should be pushing employer for a promotion/raise. He said once I get a substantial raise, he will start paying £200 extra towards mortgage.

I think this is unfair as DH earns more and will therefore have more disposable income. He is also spendthrift whereas I am a saver and I will use saved money for things for the new house e.g. extension.

I think DH should continue paying £200 more than me.

We are also having other issues that mean I feel we are more like room mates at times rather than married partners and I think his stance on this just re-enforces my feelings.

AIBU?

OP posts:
e1y1 · 09/07/2016 17:03

Did he understand the line "all that I have I share with you" at the wedding? Sorry not helpful.

In a relationship, I feel that all income goes in to one pot and the housekeeping comes out of that. Then once that is sorted, what's left over is to spend; of course, there maybe months where one of the partners has spent more than the other, and visa versa.

My stepson and his partner have a separate financial arrangements, they "borrow" money off each other and they pay it back (depending on situation/time of month) they both work, and have good incomes, stepson will work 7 days if needed, and the partner has their own business. However, I find their financial setup weird.

e1y1 · 09/07/2016 17:04

Sorry not read thread in full yet

wotoodoo · 09/07/2016 17:05

RED FLAG WARNING YOU WILL NEVER BECOME A MOTHER WITH THIS CONTROL FREAK

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT: £90K LOST SAVINGS + CARCRASH LIFE OF DEEP RESENTMENT+ LOST CHANCE OF MOTHERHOOD

OR

£90K LOST SAVINGS + END OF MARRIAGE +NEW BEGINNING+ CHANCE TO MEET NICE MAN + CHANCE OF MOTHERHOOD?

?

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2016 17:07

If he won't have sex with you then the free childcare is an entirely irrelevant point...

BengalCatMum · 09/07/2016 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hillfarmer · 09/07/2016 17:16

Hi OP,

He will get worse, trust me. And there are lots of people on this thread that have pushed on regardless after just a few of the red flags you have listed, and had a miserable time of it.

You called him out on his marathon sulks - massive controlling red flag - well done on that, but like pps have said, he is just finding other ways to be cruel and controlling now.

He is financially controlling in a scary way. His actions say 'What's yours is mine and what's mine's my own.' He is selfish and mean to you. And he is supposed to be your biggest fan, like, someone you loves you.

He is witholding sex, knowing that you want to get pregnant. He tells you he doesn't want to have sex because he is overweight, but refuses to do anything to lose weight. If that's not controlling, I don't know what is.

I think, despite the financial loss, you need to pull out of the house deal and pull out of the marriage. For your own sanity.

The big advice from everyone on here is Do. Not. Have. Children. With.This. Man.

Believe me, if this is what it is what it is like after being married for two years, bringing children into this hostile environment will be 100x more painful. Just don't do it. You will be heading towards disaster.

Sorry to be so negative OP, but you are recognising what is happening to you - that truly is a great first step. Now you have to take survival action. You don't have to wait for him to get worse to take action. He is already behaving like an abusive arsehole. His behaviour marks him out as both a coward AND a bully. You deserve much better.

midlifehope · 09/07/2016 17:24

Rubbishmantra, we have mirror wills stating a lifetime interest in the house for the widowed partner. Yes, dp has 2 dd's from a previous relationship. They would inherit 1/2 of his share, our 2 dcs half of his share and my full share!

cinnamongirl1976 · 09/07/2016 17:30

OP, he doesn't sound very nice at all Sad.

He's very controlling, and if I were you I'd get out now. A house won't fix things and a baby will make them immeasurably worse.

For what it's worth, I work part-time, DH works full-time. My income fluctuates as I'm freelance. Mortgage and other joint things are split proportionately according to what I've earnt each month. So it's different every time. We have a joint account and do have our own accounts as well (I like having my own money).

GabsAlot · 09/07/2016 17:48

in what world do people get 10k raises?

arent we going through austerity still or is yor job really high profile

anyway regardless he sounds like hes putting u off at every turn n having a baby

u can have the house but we cant afford a child

u can have the house but u have to pay equal share
u can have the house but must get a promotion

who thinks like that?

Hissy · 09/07/2016 17:48

So money is unequal, with you being significantly disadvantaged
Sex is denied by him for over half of your marriage
Silent treatment for weeks at a time?

My love. This relationship is at best extremely unhealthy

At worst abusive.

PreviouslyBannedToaster · 09/07/2016 18:03

The idea of having one big pot of money between a couple fills me with uncharted horror but that's not really the point here. Don't stay out of fear of the unknown wrt having to start again. This will bring you down even further if you continue.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2016 18:08

I also think you need a new counsellor.

She shouldn't give advice like 'go and see this solicitor' but she can offer suggestions to guide your thinking to look at options. There are counsellors that don't just listen.

Your marriage? It's not a partnership.

AyeAmarok · 09/07/2016 18:14

Oh OP Sad This is not a relationship that makes you feel secure, happy and supported.

Is his own insecurities making him try to put you down so you're still "equal"?

midlifehope · 09/07/2016 20:57

I know men like this. You can't go softly softly with these types. He's a controlling indivdual. Using money to do so. Play him at his own game. Telling him he's fat and as an incentive, he has to loose wait until you will pay an equal share of stuff. Make up illogical arguments like he does. Strike up weird ultimatums. Tell him your biological clock is ticking and you will be investigating other ways of becoming a mother. I can't tell you how he will react when he starts to loose control though. Is he frightening?

midlifehope · 09/07/2016 20:58

*weight - argh sorry,

RandomMess · 10/07/2016 16:59

How are you op?

Is the deposit on the house completely non-returnable????

It is so sad to read the lack of partnership in your marriage after only 2 years.

The reality is if you go ahead and have to sell up in a couple of yours when you divorce it could cost just as much...

babynearlyhere · 10/07/2016 17:46

Haven't read all the thread but the simplest thing in a marriage is to set up one joint account that everything goes into and comes out of, then agree a budget for food, bills, going out personal spending etc. Or in addition both keep a personal account as well that the remainder of the pooled money after bills gets split between so you both have 'personal money' for clothes, presents, hobbies etc. In my view (and legally?) in a marriage all income is joint income so just because one earns more it shouldn't make them better off than the other. It's a partnership not a houseshare.

MummyBex1985 · 10/07/2016 17:53

Whatever happened to having a joint account and just paying the bills and mortgage out of that?

My DH earns three times what I do and would never dream of expecting me to contribute the same to the household. But I do the lions share of housework as I'm PT so as far as I'm concerned it's an equal contribution.

80sMum · 10/07/2016 18:08

I can't understand why you wouldn't simply have a joint account, OP, with both salaries going in and all bills, mortgage, housekeeping etc going out.

Lillithxxx · 10/07/2016 21:23

Ditch this character before you are too old and afraid to start again. He is taking you for a ride...

Maverick1969 · 10/07/2016 21:32

I was in an arrangement like this when we bought our first house. Suffice to say he earned more than me. We put in the same deposit and made the same mortgage payments. If I said I was struggling, he would say I should have got a better job. Very nice. We're not together anymore, I was lucky to escape that one. You definitely have to be realistic in what you can afford.

cupofrooibos · 10/07/2016 21:39

Put everything in one pot and have everything come out of one pot. It will save an unbelievable amount of headache.

Marysunshine · 10/07/2016 21:44

If you are married what does it matter who earns what. Chuck the lot in the communal pot and pay everything out of it. Can't believe arguments can be made out of things like this - marriage isn't meant to be a serious of mathematical formulae.

TattyMonkey · 10/07/2016 22:02

Legally if you are married without a pre-nup you would generally get 50% of all assets that you own together regardless of who put what money into the deposit or who paid for what % of the mortgage. None of that is relevant in divorce law.

Heidi42 · 10/07/2016 22:03

LTB