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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH earns more but wants to split mortgage equally

210 replies

HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 14:20

Hello,

Just exchanged contracts as first time buyer. Mortgage will be £1700pm. DH put £10k more than me into deposit.

DH earns £2.6kpm and I earn £1.9k, so joint income of £4.5kpm.

Currently all bills split equally except DH pays £200 more each month towards our rent. However, he says when we start paying mortgage, we will go halves so £850 each pm. His reason is that I should be pushing employer for a promotion/raise. He said once I get a substantial raise, he will start paying £200 extra towards mortgage.

I think this is unfair as DH earns more and will therefore have more disposable income. He is also spendthrift whereas I am a saver and I will use saved money for things for the new house e.g. extension.

I think DH should continue paying £200 more than me.

We are also having other issues that mean I feel we are more like room mates at times rather than married partners and I think his stance on this just re-enforces my feelings.

AIBU?

OP posts:
StandoutMop · 09/07/2016 16:12

Please don't have a baby with him. Silent treatment, excuses to avoid intimacy, using money to control you, accepting decisions like choice of house then blaming you for it later.... Just don't.

Rainbow · 09/07/2016 16:12

I personally wouldn't have gone into buying a house with him if this is his attitude. He is bullying you into getting a raise/promotion. If he wants everything split down the middle though that goes for home improvements, food, bills etc. The only things you don't split are your clothes etc. You say you save and your money will go on the house. Don't let it. It you by a table, split the cost, decorating, split the cost. If he doesn't share the housework, charge him maid service. Worked for me. He soon realised how unreasonable he was being xx

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 16:14

Mayhew he would have a baby in this house but I would need to work, as he couldn't manage the mortgage on his own.

So far feels like I'm getting very little out of this.

Jay55 I don't know, but I sometimes wonder if he would be a relief to him if I ended the marriage. But he is so caring in many other ways, which confuses me.

OP posts:
GreenSand · 09/07/2016 16:14

You need to sort out money before you have a baby. Are you going to be expected to pay half the mortgage when on maternity leave???

Fwiw, I give 100% of everything I earn. £0.00.
I spend freely out of our (his, actually, but I have a card on his account, complicated, not in UK) account.

FairyDogMother11 · 09/07/2016 16:14

My partner and I own a property (although our mortgage is around a third of yours, he also put a substantial amount more into the deposit than I, I was just out of university whilst he'd been working full time for three years). However we put an equal amount (£650 each) into our joint account every month to cover the bills and the mortgage. I do earn a fair bit less than him, but this arrangement doesn't leave me short in any way, I usually have a reasonable amount left for savings and spending. But if this were to leave me short at all, there is no question he would be happy to cover the extra. We are partners and that's the way it should be. At the moment, we don't have DC, but when we do, he'll probably be paying more than I will when I'm on maternity leave, and if he was to (touch wood it won't happen), get ill and need time off work, It would be hard but I could cover the bills. The thing that has made this so easy is that we discussed it prior to signing our contracts and ironed out these issues first, that's very important when making a commitment like this. If I'd have felt that our arrangement was unfair to either one of us, I'd have reconsidered making such a big step.

Lweji · 09/07/2016 16:16

He also sounds like he likes to shift goals.
Sex if less weight.
Baby if smaller house.
Equal share if promotion.

Somehow I get the feeling that he just likes being difficult and pushing you into quicksand.

You are the proverbial frog in the warming pot, what will you do now that you're feeling the heat?

PreviouslyBannedToaster · 09/07/2016 16:18

Are you inclined to stay partly because you can feel the clock ticking and don't want to start again?

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 16:19

Rainbow i will try that. I have already told him that all chores, cooking etc will have to be split equally. Which leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, as my nature is to care for others. Just feel so disappointed with life. Never expected marriage to be like it is in the movies but feels like there should be more but that I have missed my chance, as I was so shy.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/07/2016 16:22

Your marriage has huge red flags all over it.

Please do not complete on the house, sort out your marriage first.

yorkshapudding · 09/07/2016 16:24

I don't agree with some posters on here who say that once you're married you should have to put everything into one shared bank account. I'm sure this works for some people but I don't think it's that black and white.

DH and I each have our own bank account and we have a joint account. This was my choice as I like having my own money. I earn quite a bit less than him but still pay 50% of the mortgage. BUT he also puts a substantial amount of money into our savings account every month, pays DD's nursery fees, holidays, meals out, insures both our cars and pays for many other things. So it all balances out and we have the same amount of disposable income.

The issue in your case OP is that he is using money to "incentive" you, in other words to control you and making you feel shit about yourself in the process.

BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 09/07/2016 16:29

I couldnt do this to someone and wouldnt expect it done to me either.

Your married. All money is in a pot and all is divided out into our joint spending, car, food etc week by week. Money is directly put away for holidays, separate for bdays, separate for Christmas.
money also goes into saving. its all joint.

BlowingThroughTheJasmineinMyMi · 09/07/2016 16:32

The house is close to my family who have agreed to full time childcare when we have DC, which is why we bought it

child care costs an absolute fortune, so I would factor this in should you ever sleep with him and have dc!

Delta1411 · 09/07/2016 16:35

I'm so sorry....this man is using you and stringing you along.

He clearly doesn't want to have children with you, and hasn't got the guts to even tell you that.

You're 35. If you're desperate for a child I'd suggest you find someone suitable for the job. Which clearly isn't the man you're married to.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 09/07/2016 16:38

oh lord.
if i were you, i'd call it a day.
it does sound like you're hanging in there because you're afraid you won't meet anyone else to have a baby with before you feel you're too old.
i'd still bail anyway, if i was in your position.

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 16:38

mummyto2monkeys that's a good idea, I will suggest that.

Greensand i don't think he expects me to pay during maternity, but who knows, I didn't think he'd expect me to pay disproportionately.

Lweji i agree he likes shifting goals. It's not even the money so much as what it reveals about his feelings for me. Jumping out of the pot is going to be so hard though. But I know I will snap one day if it continues. I do have a temper and a backbone, hidden somewhere.

Previously Yes, I'm so scared of trying again.

FairyDogMother i think yours is the arrangement DH wants, except that he didn't tell me that when we went into buying process.

OP posts:
BengalCatMum · 09/07/2016 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titchy · 09/07/2016 16:40

Ok bottom line - walk away from the house purchase. You will lose your deposit, but you'll lose a fuck of a lot more if you continue.

You will NEVER be a parent with this man.

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 16:43

Deposit, stamp duties, fees were £90k, so feels like a lot to walk away from. Our life savings.

OP posts:
FairyDogMother11 · 09/07/2016 16:45

I think that's the issue here, not the actual arrangement but more of how it's been dealt with. He should have been honest with you, and it doesn't bode well that he's acting this way. I personally would step back from this sale, I don't think - from what you've said - that this is a particularly healthy situation - he is demanding things of you and not trying to compromise, and acting like a child by sulking - and it should be dealt with before it is more difficult to get out of.

roundaboutthetown · 09/07/2016 16:49

What he is doing to you is a bit like what you would be doing to him if you said he should pay more on the mortgage until he has lost 2.5 stone in weight. It's really not very nice...

Atenco · 09/07/2016 16:51

I've been thirty years celibate, but I could not bear being in a marriage without sex at your age, OP.

Delta1411 · 09/07/2016 16:54

Do you think perhaps you're pushing for the house you want because it's the only thing you'll be happy with? I love my house so I'm not criticising that, but I love my kids and husband more.

OlennasWimple · 09/07/2016 16:55

You wouldn't forfeit all that though

Most of the fees are sunk costs. You only pay stamp duty when you complete. Check the contract, but you may be liable to pay the vendor 10% of the agreed sale price if you don't complete, but that's stil cheaper than having to sell in a year or so when you realize that two years with no sex isn't going to get you a baby

titchy · 09/07/2016 16:56

You won't lose the stamp duty as you won't pay any if you don't complete. The usual forfeit amount is 10% of the agreed sale price, so you'd get most of your £90k back.

Thattimeofyearagain · 09/07/2016 17:03

After reading your updates I would advise you to run away from this man.