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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH earns more but wants to split mortgage equally

210 replies

HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 14:20

Hello,

Just exchanged contracts as first time buyer. Mortgage will be £1700pm. DH put £10k more than me into deposit.

DH earns £2.6kpm and I earn £1.9k, so joint income of £4.5kpm.

Currently all bills split equally except DH pays £200 more each month towards our rent. However, he says when we start paying mortgage, we will go halves so £850 each pm. His reason is that I should be pushing employer for a promotion/raise. He said once I get a substantial raise, he will start paying £200 extra towards mortgage.

I think this is unfair as DH earns more and will therefore have more disposable income. He is also spendthrift whereas I am a saver and I will use saved money for things for the new house e.g. extension.

I think DH should continue paying £200 more than me.

We are also having other issues that mean I feel we are more like room mates at times rather than married partners and I think his stance on this just re-enforces my feelings.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MaddyHatter · 09/07/2016 15:08

or split it 3 ways. 1/3 is yours 1/3 is his 1/3 goes in the savings.

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/07/2016 15:09

I can't understand why, if you love someone and are sharing lives, you wouldn't want them to live up to your income rather than down to theirs.

branofthemist · 09/07/2016 15:09

Crap. I want half the trifle in the fridge, even if DH paid for more of that. Married people share property in common.

a trifle isn't your future financial security, is it?

It maybe crap to you. But why does it matter what everyone else does?

NewLife4Me · 09/07/2016 15:10

You're married, why are you splitting money? It is joint now, one of the benefits of being married.
Put all money for bills into a joint account, what is left after all bills paid is split between the two of you Confused

Pearlman · 09/07/2016 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yougotitdude · 09/07/2016 15:12

Why not agree on a set amount you both get to spend a month as you wish each then put the rest into a joint household account which pays for the mortgage, bills and groceries.

That would be fairest.

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2016 15:12

Put all your money in one account. Pay all the bills. Problem solved.

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/07/2016 15:12

A person who makes sacrifices to their career and earning potential so that their partner can have a family without making any such sacrifices has a perfect right to half the assets even if they contribute less financially. I guess the job of parenting and homemaking is still seen as less important.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/07/2016 15:17

*DH brings in 70% of our overall money
I bring 30%.

He pays 70% bills, i pay 30%.*

Splitting bills on a percentage doesn't always work if there is a large disparity in incomes because it can still leave the higher earner with a lot more disposable income because in this example their remaining 30% can be a lot more than the lower earner's remaining 70% - 30% of £5k is a lot more than 70% of £1k.

Sounds fair Stiik, but would that mean that the lower earner gets stuck with doing more housework if, for example, the higher earner stays longer at work

Lower earners don't necessarily work shorter hours, or less hard so that's a separate issue. Some jobs are a well paid piece of piss and others low paid drudgery.

branofthemist · 09/07/2016 15:21

Bran, the principle is the same. Married means a partnership. Who pays what isn't meant to be relevant. The law reflects this, so if you divorce the court isn't asking who paid the mortgage during the marriage.

No it's not the same. One is a trifle one is a property.

Actually 50:50 is a starting point.

It isn't meant to relevant. Except if you split, It's often relevant. As I said. Dh feels the same and we have been happily married for 15 years. It works for us.

I guess the job of parenting and homemaking is still seen as less important.

does the op earn less because she work less hours for childcare? I missed that bit.

As I said, that's not relevant in my case as neither me or dh wanted to be sahp so neither has made any career sacrifice. Not everyone does or has to.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 09/07/2016 15:23

I pay all of our mortgage, but it is so small that splitting it is a waste of time. Technically it's MrZippy's mortgage since he built the house long before we met, but it's easier for me to do because I take care of all the banking.
I don't think it matters who pays for what, but it is important that both partners reach a reasonable agreement without anyone feeling controlled or taken advantage of.
If you don't think you are being paid too little then it's really not your husband's place to be trying to force you into asking for a pay rise. What with you being an actual adult and all.

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 15:25

Thanks everyone

We have been married 2 years. To answer a few questions:

Delta1411 and Noonesfool

He has been frustrated by my career progression and thinks that I am long due a promotion. As grannytomine says, he is offering me an incentive. I agree I with him about promotion, but I feel like he is punishing me for something that is not totally in my control.

I've just tried talking to him about it and said most people on MN think it's very unfair too but he just said that 'you chose this house, I wanted a cheaper house'. I did suggest the house but made it clear that we don't have to buy it if doesn't like it. The house is close to my family who have agreed to full time childcare when we have DC, which is why we bought it.

I do see our money as being family money so would have been happy to spend savings on home improvements. He is happy to put an equal amount into savings each month, but if I pay £850 mortgage each month, that would leave me with hardly any money for myself.

HandbagCrazy

He isn't shitty about everything (pays for 90% of meals and days out etc). He also paid for our holiday even though I offered half.

TeenandTween

We did discuss it and I thought that we agreed current arrangement will continue. He says we did not agree.

43percentburns

Food is paid for out of the joint account, which we both pay into.He thinks £8-10k would be a substantial payrise.

I'm just hoping he will see my point of view. The other issue we are having is that we haven't slept together for over a year, which he blames on being 2 stone overweight. I'm 35 and desperate to have a baby :(

OP posts:
CrazyCatLaydee123 · 09/07/2016 15:26

We both pay in all of our pay apart from £200 each (for personal spendos) into the joint account. All food, fuel and bills comes from joint account. It shouldn't matter who earns more.
My husband is more than aware of the fact that I work a lot harder for less money than him!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/07/2016 15:28

We're not married. We put everything in a joint account. We each take what we need, within reason, no one takes the piss. Everything left over goes into our joint savings. We have always done this, regardless of salary levels, maternity leave, whatever.

I often think our non marriage is much more marriage like than most people's marriages.

poochiepants · 09/07/2016 15:32

I'd prefer 50/50 then it could never be thrown back into my face. That includes the money put into any future renovations, and any bills. In my experience, it's best to shut down those opportunities he might have to moan in the future, right from the start....

RubbishMantra · 09/07/2016 15:32

Midlife, you have DCs together yet are tenants in common, rather than a beneficial joint tenancy? What if (God forbid) you/he died? The surviving partner would either have to find the cash to buy the other's half of the house from whoever it's been left it to in your wills, or move, whilst grieving for DP.

Is the reason you're tenants in common because either of you have DCs from a previous relationship?

StiickEmUp · 09/07/2016 15:33

I hate to say this but for the questions about our method, we love each other dearly and we don't need to worry about being pissed off at inequality.

Without my 30%, he wouldn't have any of it anyway.

happypoobum · 09/07/2016 15:35

Your update has me even more worried OP Sad

StiickEmUp · 09/07/2016 15:36

Oops though, the difference with us is we are childfree for life, so it doesn't get anymore complicated than that.

Also, we do the same hours. He drives more than me, but in effect don't we work as hard out of the home?

OlennasWimple · 09/07/2016 15:39

This is one reason all DH's money and my money goes into one pot and we pay everything out of it. CBA to do "his and hers" money

MyMurphy · 09/07/2016 15:41

I just had to say you are being treated unkindly by your DH. Does he love and care for you? Have you asked him that? Because he doesn't seem to. Sad

KissMyArse · 09/07/2016 15:41

The other issue we are having is that we haven't slept together for over a year, which he blames on being 2 stone overweight. I'm 35 and desperate to have a baby

I think you have bigger things to deal with than who pays an extra £200 towards the mortgage.

OlennasWimple · 09/07/2016 15:41

Is it you or DH who is overweight (in his eyes)?

ITCouldBeWorse · 09/07/2016 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saltedcaramelbrownie · 09/07/2016 15:43

A family member was in your situation when she got married. When she got pregnant her (now ex) DH made her continue to pay half the mortgage, so she had to use all her maternity pay and savings.

I say when you're married it's all equal. When my DH gets a bonus it is shared and when I inherited some money it went on our shared mortgage. Our mortgage is joint tenants so if we divorce I would get half of the equity even though I have paid much less in due to part time working and looking after our DS's.