DH earns more but wants to split mortgage equally

[HussellRobbs]

Hello,

Just exchanged contracts as first time buyer. Mortgage will be £1700pm. DH put £10k more than me into deposit.

DH earns £2.6kpm and I earn £1.9k, so joint income of £4.5kpm.

Currently all bills split equally except DH pays £200 more each month towards our rent. However, he says when we start paying mortgage, we will go halves so £850 each pm. His reason is that I should be pushing employer for a promotion/raise. He said once I get a substantial raise, he will start paying £200 extra towards mortgage.

I think this is unfair as DH earns more and will therefore have more disposable income. He is also spendthrift whereas I am a saver and I will use saved money for things for the new house e.g. extension.

I think DH should continue paying £200 more than me.

We are also having other issues that mean I feel we are more like room mates at times rather than married partners and I think his stance on this just re-enforces my feelings.

AIBU?

Please read about coercive control in relationships. It sounds as though you are in a very difficult position. Please also talk to your counsellor about it

Is he worried that you'll leave him and take half OP? So the demands for half come from some misjudged self protection plan?

If that is the case it could should spectacularly backfire.

Argh!! Leave this poor excuse of a man! Seriously! No sex for over a year? He is hiding something much darker than some extra pounds! Why on earth should he be frustrated by YOUR career progression anyway? And why not just put all the money in a common pot? Any other way is just very bizarre to me! An incentive?? Seriously, it's upt you if you want to ask for a pay rise, not him! You're not a child needing an incentive, that is just so demeaning. It's a marriage, a partnership, not a business venture!

I haven't read the whole thread.. But I don't understand how MARRIED couples have MINE and YOURS.. Surely everything is OURS?

His logic is totally flawed. I don't get why he'll pay more if you earn more. DH and I split mortgage in proportion to our net pay.

Oops - Series!

He sounds just as controlling as his Dad. Have you pointed that out to him?

When my husband and I got together "he" suggested that we add all our earnings together on paper then divide it by two and then he paid me the difference. We then both pay half into the bills account to cover all the outgoing and to pay into savings when we have enough...This is by far the fairest way you are then both on an even footing. Good Luck xxx

As some others have said - I just don't get the concept of "your" money and "my" money when you're married to someone. The idea of being married is that you share your lives with each other - why on earth wouldn't you share your money? It should all be in one pot.

I think if there is a huge difference in your incomes then proportional split may be fairer but I know if I were in your situation I would want to pay half. If you aren't happy with the current agreement you need to have a serious talk with him.

As some other posters have said, I think percentages always work well. My DH and I have alternately been the higher earner, and rather than one of us paying the lions share to leave an exactly equal amount of "spare" money each, we have just paid a bigger or smaller share dependent on the proportion of wages we each earn.

I know some people share everything and have joint accounts etc, but this way suits us. Often higher earners have more job stress, more responsibility etc. My leftover wages after bills and commitments are sorted are my reward for working a difficult job. It would be pretty demotivating to me to have pay over and above because my partner earns less.

Maybe just decide that the house is a 50/50 thing as it would probably be split if anything happened (like divorce). But that means he has to pay in towards the extension! Personally, considering he contributed £10k more toward the deposit, and the fact that both your wages are fairly decent, I think this isn't too bad a deal.

Loublue1507,
Totally agree with you.

"He has been frustrated by my career progression and thinks that I am long due a promotion. As grannytomine says, he is offering me an incentive."

He is treating you like a toddler ready to be potty trained. You can listen to Peppa Pig for 5 minutes if you sit on the potty for mummy first. Not like an adult equal.

Well my dh is not perfect but when we got together he earned double my salary. He paid all bills and I just paid for petrol for my car, food and my other private expenses such as phone and paying off credit card.
Run for the hills op. I do not think this will end well.

I earn a lot more than my husband but we split the bills 50/50 including the mortgage. I've always done the food shop and generally pay for more of the treats. I also pretty much buy everything for the kids. I'm not a big spender so I put most of the difference into savings which we've used for big house projects. I think if you like and trust each other doesn't really matter how you divvy up the money. We've never had a row about money and I don't think either of us feels the situation is unfair.

Hi, OP.
There's disagreement above about what's fair, and some inaccurate legal advice but none of that really matters compared to what you want and feel. What is crystal clear is that BOTH of you are dissatisfied with your marriage. You have said so: his actions make it plain that he is too. He might be an abuser but it sounds more like he's angry with himself or his situation and is taking it out on the person closest to him. You have even said you suspect he might prefer you to split up.
May i suggest an urgent meeting. Don't tell him what's wrong but ask him to help you understand the list of issues. Why does it concern him what work you do or what it pays? Why will he not address his weight if he's not happy with it? Does he think celibacy at your stage in life is healthy? Does he acknowledge that you might think differently? And have a right to be considered? Does he expect throughout your lives for you to make balancing payments every month or quarter to compensate where one has carried out more caring tasks? If he or indeed you suffered say, a stroke would he expect the contributions to remain the same? What control does he think you have over getting an increase in salary? Would he prefer you split up now before (theoretically) bringing a child into a situation of truce rather than peace?
Finally, and a bit more brutally; what fantasy world are you inhabiting to talk of childcare when you're celibate with no prospect of it changing?!
Postpone the house purchase; prepare to lose the 10% and some solicitors' fees; TALK NOW!

So you are buying a bigger house near your parents who will give you free childcare / yet Havnt had sex for a year so not even close to being pregnant (sorry to be so blunt)

You need to sit down and have a serious chat with dh

Agree with all others not to buy this house and stay renting till issues are resolved or you spilt up

Please from one survivor of a controller, to another. Believe me, all the money in the world is not worth what you are already losing daily in your self esteem being chipped away at by this 'man', by the stress and lack of sleep he's causing you. But then you know this is all wrong, this is not what you want or who you want, he's turned into his father. There is plenty of time for you to have children with someone who isn't going to use you and them as chess pieces for a lifetime. You deserve to be happy and loved and have sex without conditions. Money in a healthy relationship is worked out to the satisfaction of the individuals as there's so many fluctuations in income on either side due to various reasons. Move on and in no time you'll know it was the best thing for you.

Meh. I don't know my DH and I split all the household bills equally (and have seperate finances), previously i earned more than him and now he earns a bit more than me.

Looking at your figures you can easily afford your "half" so I don't really see if being a problem. But if it is a problem to you then you need to sort it out with him.

Why are posters on here obsessed with married couples having joint finances? It doesn't work for everyone you know!

My DH and I have seperate finances for the following reasons.

1. we didn't get married until I was 32 or move in together until I was 31 Up until that time I was fully independent and would have found it very difficult to Change.

2. my DH is pretty crap with money. Looking through A "joint" statement and seeing what he's blown (well IMO) would stress me out and cause arguments.

We have an account for bills which we bother pay into each month and the rest of our cash is our own. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Don't get me wrong, if I need money he gives it to me and vice versa, but this way works perfect for both of us.

The relationship is controlling and abusive and its vital for you to get out asap OP.
If this means there is a financial penalty then this is definitely worth paying.
What is at stake is your health and happiness, neither are safe with this man.

A better life awaits you OP, this relationship will waste your precious life and be a dreadful example to bring children into.

You so deserve more than this

We pool our money. What I get from my PT job and tax credits goes into joint. What he earns from full time goes into joint. We have 2 children. Childcare costs come out of joint.
Money is a hard subject but I agree it should be proportional
Yanbu. I would have a separate savings account he doesn't know about. That's your rainy day fund.

We just pool in our house. I earn more. I spend a lot more money than him but that's because I shop for everyone's clothes (he's with me when we buy his,) pay and organise childcare, order the food shop and buy any household items etc. If he wants something specifically for him or goes on a night out he just has the money and so do I.

You're DH sounds a bit controlling, he is effectively blackmailing you into asking for a pay rise.

However, maybe he is just thinking you are being taken advantage of and he doesn't like to see it, so in his misguided view this is a way to get paid for your worth.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but it always amazes me how married couples talk about "mine" and "yours" and maintain separate bank accounts! I thought the whole point of being married was that everything is shared - not nitpicking about proportional amounts, etc. My DH always earned loads more than me, but so what? What will happen when children come along and you take time out /leave work - will you have to go cap in hand to him whenever you need more cash for something? Just tell him to get a grip. Put all your money into joint accounts and pay the mortgage and everything else out of those. It's not about who earns more - this will shift over time anyway - it's about attitude. He is not your flat mate for god's sake, he's your husband and should start acting like one.