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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH earns more but wants to split mortgage equally

210 replies

HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 14:20

Hello,

Just exchanged contracts as first time buyer. Mortgage will be £1700pm. DH put £10k more than me into deposit.

DH earns £2.6kpm and I earn £1.9k, so joint income of £4.5kpm.

Currently all bills split equally except DH pays £200 more each month towards our rent. However, he says when we start paying mortgage, we will go halves so £850 each pm. His reason is that I should be pushing employer for a promotion/raise. He said once I get a substantial raise, he will start paying £200 extra towards mortgage.

I think this is unfair as DH earns more and will therefore have more disposable income. He is also spendthrift whereas I am a saver and I will use saved money for things for the new house e.g. extension.

I think DH should continue paying £200 more than me.

We are also having other issues that mean I feel we are more like room mates at times rather than married partners and I think his stance on this just re-enforces my feelings.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2016 15:43

he is offering me an incentive.

No he's not.
And even that suggests he's treating you like a child.

The sex and weight thing is also a bad sign.

You do need to tow the line and adjust to his expectations, don't you? Sad

ITCouldBeWorse · 09/07/2016 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 15:43

Olenna it's his weight he is sensitive about (and I really don't mind him being a bit overweight) He has been saying he needs to lose weight for over a year now.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2016 15:46

Ups, sorry.

Does he have erection problems? Why is he blaming his weight?

Is there any other indications that he's too worried about he is perceived?

Why is he so worried about your career? Or is it just an excuse?

Trills · 09/07/2016 15:47

If you are married, you should work it out so that you each have the same amount of money to do as you please with.

Saltedcaramelbrownie · 09/07/2016 15:48

It sounds like he doesn't want you to get pregnant because he is worried you'll stop working for a while and earn less money.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/07/2016 15:50

I find this sort of thing difficult to work out as money is joint in marriage. I used to be the main breadwinner, so I paid the mortgage and all the bills and didn't think twice about it. Now DH is the main breadwinner and does the same. Whoever has the most in the bank at any one time pays for the extras.

RubbleBubble00 · 09/07/2016 15:50

Er bit odd. We do not so each person has same spending money each month with a joint savines. Dh earns more so he puts in more

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 15:51

MyMurphy at times I think he does, he is caring in many ways. But at other times I think he married me for the sake of getting married.

He used to give me silent treatment (for 2 weeks once) after an argument but thankfully that stopped around 6 months ago after I made it clear that I would not stay married to a 'man' immature enough to behave that childishly and cruelly.

OP posts:
handslikecowstits · 09/07/2016 15:53

He sounds very hard work to me OP. You've not been married long and already you have quite major problems.

Goingtobeawesome · 09/07/2016 15:55

Oh dear.

Do you want help to change things, get out or are you having a moan.

I'm three stone over weight. If your husband loves you he should love you no matter what. I'm only fat because I had to new of kids like he wanted..

pudcat · 09/07/2016 15:55

He used to give me silent treatment (for 2 weeks once) after an argument but thankfully that stopped around 6 months ago after I made it clear that I would not stay married to a 'man' immature enough to behave that childishly and cruelly.
I think you have your answer here. He has now found other ways to be cruel to you.

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 15:55

Lweji

You do need to tow the line and adjust to his expectations, don't you?

It appears so. His dad is extremely controlling (inc with money) and he has always insisted that he would hate to be like him. He isn't controlling about other things at all, but it certainly feels like he is trying to be controlling with money. I do worry it will get worse.

OP posts:
budgiegirl · 09/07/2016 15:57

Different strokes for different folks, I guess. It's whatever works for you as a couple. It's when you disagree about what's fair that the problems begin.

Before we married, we paid a proportionate percentage into a joint account. It did mean that my (then) partner had more spending money than me, but he tended to pay more often when we went out etc so it was never a problem.

When we married, and started trying for a family, we just pooled all our money. It was the only way it would work at that point, as I left full time work to look after our children, while building up a home based business. For a few years, I earned a tiny fraction of what he did. It really wouldn't have worked if he had so much more money to spend than I did, at least IMO

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 16:01

Lweji yes, he thinks his weight is causing problems. He says he just feels too big. But is refusing to get help for it. He is not bothered about how he is perceived in other ways.

I don't know why he is so worried about my career, except that he has picked up on my own dissatisfaction. He has said he is happy for me to be a SAHM if I want, if/when we have a baby, but we would need a cheaper house so he can afford mortgage on his own.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2016 16:04
Hmm Don't become a sahm with this man. Ever.
Northernlurker · 09/07/2016 16:04

I think there are lots of ways to 'do ' money in a marriage. There are a lot less ways to 'do' sex. No sex for a year when one of you wants ttc is NOT one of the ways. Why on earth have you bought a house when your relationship is on such dodgy ground?

I think you need to tell your husband that you will do this by %. Your mortgage is 37% of your income I think, so you pay 37% which will be £700 and he pays 37% which will be £960ish. then you need to save everything you can and don't spend a penny on the house. I think you may need running away money.

Original poster
HussellRobbs · 09/07/2016 16:06

Goingtobeawesome

I do want to change things. I saw buying a house as a way to move forward. But I think it may have been a foolish attempt given our problems.

I'm not yet ready to walk away but I know I will reach a point of no return if things continue like this. I have a counsellor who is a great listener, but she is obviously not able to offer advice.

OP posts:
mayhew · 09/07/2016 16:06

You are 35 and he is now saying you would have to move again "if'" you want a baby!

Well you're not going to have one if he's gone on sex strike, are you?

So he wants the more expensive house disproportionately subsidised by you, without the promise of a family.

What are you getting out of the deal?

jay55 · 09/07/2016 16:07

You want a baby but he won't have sex with you. Is he now using that as a punishment instead of the silent treatment?

OlennasWimple · 09/07/2016 16:08

Seriously OP, have a really hard think about whether you want to stay with this man. It might be cheaper to withdraw from the house now than get landed with a mortgage and selling costs down the line Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 09/07/2016 16:09

Band aid house is a take on band aid baby.

It's done now but you need to get some advice as this won't end well without both of you wanting to put some work in.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 09/07/2016 16:10

Don't even think about conceiving a child with this man until he is fully convinced of the principle that the two of you are partners and all earnings belong to both of you jointly, and each of you should have equal personal spending money after household expenses, mortgage bills nursery fees etc are all paid for.

Double up on contraception until this is agreed.

mummyto2monkeys · 09/07/2016 16:10

I don't understand this separate accounts arrangement, the first thing my dh arranged after proposing to me was a joint account, we also had individual savings accounts with equal amounts of savings going into them. As well as a joint savings account for home improvements. My dh earned a lot more than me but was adamant that the money he earned was ours and it was so much simpler than separate finances. But then both sets of our parents had joint accounts so it never crossed our minds not to do this. It also made things a lot simpler when my husband was working away, as he often needed me to transfer funds/ check if wages were in whilst he was away working. I always hated logging into his bank account online before we were engaged.

Would it not make sense to at least have a joint bills account? Where you each pay x into the account and all of the bills come off at the same time. If everything is to be 50/50, then all wages should be pulled and split once all the payments have come off. An equal amount of savings should also be paid into individual savings accounts and any spare cash at the end of the month could be paid into a joint home improvements/ holiday savings fund.
(So 100% of earnings from both of you paid into a joint bill account, then the funds split after bills have been paid and x amount being saved into individual savings accounts and the remainder paid into your individual current accounts.

Wolpertinger · 09/07/2016 16:11

So he no longer wants to have sex with you because he's too heavy Confused?

You have very big problems in your marriage - the main one being 2 stone over weight.

At least you are only 35 and don't have a baby with him. FGS move on ASAP and leave this car crash behind.

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