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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you call your MIL 'Mum' ?

218 replies

thewavesofthesea · 02/07/2016 21:19

Just that really. I have noticed that my own mum and MIL called their MILs 'Mum' but I never have, and neither does my brother in law's wife. I kinda feel like I would like to; I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 8, and she is very lovely, supportive and does a lot for us; I love her to bits. But I would not want to offend my own mum, who also does a lot for us etc. and don't want MIL to think I'm odd after all this time! Maybe I'm overthinking it......Wink

OP posts:
headinhands · 03/07/2016 10:26

I don't call my mil mum because I'm confused and think she gave birth to me. I call her mum because my DH has a lot of siblings and BIL/SIL's and when we have get together's everyone calls her mum so it's just stuck so that I even call her mum when it's just me and her.

sunnyshowers · 03/07/2016 10:29

I call mine grandma or by her name and I adore her.

My brother calls his mil mum and it does hurt my mum

PurpleNurple69 · 03/07/2016 10:32

I've always called my MIL mum - probably because I didn't have a mum growing up. Well, I had a stepmum who was an utter bitch. I was made to call her mum sadly....

MIL has been more of a mum than stepmum ever was.

I think a lot depends on what kind of relatioship you have/had with your own mum.

madamginger · 03/07/2016 10:52

My mum called my dads parents mum and pops or the boss, my dad died 30 years ago and she has remarried but she still calls them that.
My aunts and uncles called my granda the boss too, he was formidable but was a big softy with the gc!
DH and I call our parents by their names but he calls my grandma granny, she's amazing and I think he'd feel weird calling her by her name.

fizzingmum · 03/07/2016 10:58

I call my MIL lots of things, but Mum isn't one of them! Wink. But to her face it's only ever first name.

headinhands · 03/07/2016 11:01

I wouldn't be hurt if my children called their mil mum. It's just a word. It doesn't mean they love them more or even as much. And if they did then great, the more loving relationships my kids have the better.

CalleighDoodle · 03/07/2016 11:11

My mil, when asked what she wanted to be called when i was pregnant with my first (her first gc), and i emailed her lists of names for grandparents from around the world, suggestinf ones from the languages she speaks, as well as the normal ones here, repeatedly said, 'why cant she just call me Joan?' not her actual name
However, at dd's christeneing one of her friends came over to me and asked for a serious chat, as she'd asked 'Joan' what she was going to be known as and 'joan' told her friend that she hadnt been asked. Hmm

blackteaplease · 03/07/2016 11:17

God no, lovely as she is she isn't my mum. My IL sign joint things mum and dad which is fair enough but anything to me MIL signs names.

Both my parents passed away in the last couple of years. FIL signed a text to me from dad and it really upset me. He couldn't see what the problem was when DH asked him not to do it again.

TheyOnceSaid · 03/07/2016 11:22

I do out of respect!

mollie123 · 03/07/2016 11:24

as a MIL - i am always called by my christian name - what I wanted and as was agreed by my DIL.

Wolpertinger · 03/07/2016 11:33

No, she's not my Mum.

She didn't ask, she just started announcing herself to me as Mum. My Dad had just died, no way were she and FIL (who I had met the sum total of about 5 times at this point) my Mum and Dad. It was fucking offensive.

6 years later I've never once called her mum and she appears to have got the hint. And we get on much better now - if she hadn't done it, we would have got on better much sooner as well.

charlestonchaplin · 03/07/2016 11:36

CarrotVan I think calling your in laws Mum and Dad is quite old fashioned and comes from a time when you might have addressed all older people as Ma and Dad in the same way that some cultures use Auntie and Uncle as a respectful title. If you read fiction from the first half of the Twentieth Century then it's quite common for strangers to address older people as Ma or Dad

This is true. I think there are many cultures where older people, a generation or more, aren't referred to by name. My mother has friends who call her auntie or mum, due to their age difference, and her younger siblings don't even call her by her name. They call her 'Sister'. So it isn't such a great leap to call your parents-in-law mum and dad. What else would you call them?

I couldn't even bring myself to call my college tutors by their names for the first five weeks or so. It was just so alien to me. If I needed their help, I'd just stare at them until they looked in my direction, then I'd put my hand up.

ShelaghTurner · 03/07/2016 11:53

No, by first name. I love my MIL to bits and we have a great relationship but she isn't my mum. And I think my mum would be hurt too.

StillRabbit · 03/07/2016 11:58

I called my late MIL Mum, I call my FIL Dad. My parents always called their own ILs Mum and Dad. My DHs wonderful grandmother told me she would be honoured if I called her Nanny which I did, I adored her and it was great to have a Nanny for just over 20 years.

jamdonut · 03/07/2016 12:31

No, I don't call mine Mum and Dad, except when sending cards from us both. My mum used to call her in-laws mum and dad, but my dad always called her parents by their names!

Horsemad · 03/07/2016 13:08

PurpleNurple69 I haven't always had the best of relationships with my mum, but I still couldn't call anyone else 'Mum'...

Similarly, I really disliked it when my mum signed cards to my DC from Nan & Grandad - my dad died before I was married and I could never think of my SFather as my DC's Grandad, it just did not seem right.
Luckily she stopped doing it without me having to say something.

lovemyway · 03/07/2016 13:21

No i don't, I call her by her first name.My DH called my mum by hers too.

PurpleNurple69 · 03/07/2016 13:22

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if my daughter started calling her boyfriend's mum mum. I genuinely don't know if I'd be hurt or not!

lovemyway · 03/07/2016 13:22

Oh and we never send cards to her from both of us that say mum either. DH sends a Mothers' Day card from him only.

123lekl · 03/07/2016 13:26

Mine refers to herself as mum on cards etc but it's a sign of affection, I don't call her mum and I don't think she'd expect me to

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 03/07/2016 13:29

I love my MIL and my mum sadly died a few years ago, but still wouldn't like to call MIL mum. If people overheard they'd think DH and I were siblings Grin.

coco1810 · 03/07/2016 15:35

I call my MIL many things but mum is not one of them!

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 03/07/2016 15:39

No way. I have a mum, I don't need anyone to pretend to be one. Especially not MIL.

TheKitchenWitch · 03/07/2016 15:47

YANBU to ask the question.
YABU to put this in AIBU though.

Reapwhatyousow · 03/07/2016 15:53

OP I'm just truly heartened that you have a loving relationship with your mil. It's such a waste not to get on. God is good .

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