Tight or Justified? Wedding Collection

[GemmaWella81]

The resident office collector is going around asking people to put into one of my colleagues wedding collections. I declined to put in and immediately got questioned why and the obligatory catbum face. My justification is that my colleague invited everyone but 3 people (team of 15) on a hen do abroad. Most people invited did end up going away but I was never invited and as a consequence I don't feel they get should get dollar out of me. I have no issue or bitterness other people going, I'm not that close to the person at all and I think it's tight to expect me to contribute when my presence is not wanted.

Anyway, I'm now being made out as the office scrooge and people are deliberately refusing to answer when I ask why should I.

WwYD?

Bloody hell shove I just re-read your original reply and you mentioned good form etc. it all smacks a bit of Mallory Towers jolly japes and doing the right thing even though as I said before OP either is indifferent to or dislikes the bride to be.

I think some people who are in the "put the money in" camp have obviously never been deliberately excluded from something like a hen party at somewhere you can't escape eg work.

I've worked with people who are more pally with each other and so they invited each other to their weddings etc, I was never that close to them so wasn't bothered about being left out. But I can see why OP "would" feel hurt and upset at being left out and on top of that being forced to contribute towards a Gift then given the Spanish Inquisition as to why not. Did office contribution person expect OP to let rip with "actually I hate Bride to be AND she didn't invite me on her hen do so that's why I haven't contributed?! No of course not! OP has handled this as well as could be expected.

There was 1 woman coworker I didn't like, had to write something in wedding card and give money, gave the £2 and wrote something a bit sarky but then again I didn't like the person nor did she like me. Have never had to see her since we both left or met her ever again so no great loss in my life.

I actually think you are totally in the right! And all you people putting your back up and getting nasty surely you have better things to do!
Why should she have to contribute to someone's big day that she's not a part of! She contributed to the office in other ways and doesn't always have to put her hand in her pocket for someone she's not even friends with! I bet that same person if the situation was in reverse would do the same thing! Good on you for sticking to your guns!

The thing is, I rarely hate hate hate people. I'm no saint - people exasperate and frustrate me on a regular basis, but I can normally find something to like about them and that's enough to let me feel like 'Oh, I'd like them to have a nice day' for a birthday or a wedding. I'm not the person to hold grudges because I literally just forget unless it's really, really awful behaviour. (I don't blame anyone who has been heavily bullied for not wanting to donate to a bully, for example - but life's just too short to hold every slight in mind all the time).

With sponsorship, it's easy because you can just mentally see it as a donation to a worthy charity, not to the person.

I definitely think writing snarky things in cards is to be avoided. Just sign your name if you don't like the person, don't put in a negative and poop on their parade - it's a bit mean.

You are probably right about not my being empathetic enough towards feelings of exclusion. I do think it was bad form on the part of the person with the hen do to exclude 3 people from the office. That's very pointed and lacking in compassion and empathy. I just think those occasions are an opportunity to prove you're the more graceful one.

Woolyheads that sums it up.

Hi all..

Clear a few things up....

There's no animosity about not being invited to the hen or wedding, I would never of been invited anyway as me and my colleague are completely ambivalent with each other. There's no relationship on any level, there's no bad blood either though, we have no interaction in our everyday roles, they're effectively a familiar stranger.

The very nature of our team is one of a clique, not an overtly nasty one though, more born out of circumstance and office politics. The majority of the team (the 12) are the same banding where as me and the other 2 sit a band below, rank stays together etc, never downwards though.

As a team we generally don't do collections, just a card on a birthday, it's more charity that gets us spilling the pennies. I have been in hospital recently with a serious issue and admitted for a couple of weeks. There was no card or acknowledgement during my stay but tbh I didn't expect one, I have no issue with that as I expected it.

In fairness to the person asking she may not of truly understood the zero interaction relationship me and the hen have. But it jazzed me off she got annoyed at me and when I explained quite reasonably I don't really know them she pulled a face and left it at that.

There was weeks of build up as naturally they were all excited about going, there was a few jokes said to me about it being awkward discussing in front of me as I wasn't invited and they found that funny. I'm used to piss taking in the office, I let the jokes wash over me.

The other two would automatically contribute I imagine.

I for one think these work collections should be banned, they do nothing but cause grief and in some work places they are collecting every week or every month for some thing or other.

I was asked if I wanted to give to a collection for my managers once and I said yes and I put 2 quid in the box. The girl said after that "There's three of them you know!" and I said OK you've already had my dinner money do you want my bus money and all? I was livid and I thought of taking the two quid back.

I'm with the OP on this one, people should not be expected to give THEIR HARD EARNED Money to a collection for someone who they don't particularly like or who doesn't like them..

It's a present. It's optional. You don't have to put in or buy presents. Ever!!! And bullying shouldn't be tolerated. Your choice, for whatever reason and no one has the right to question. Bloody annoys me. Particularly with weddings which are getting ridiculous in what they expect everyone to contribute.

Of course YANBU. I wouldn't give anything either. I wouldnt give it a second thought.

Let me get this straight. You colleague holds down a full time, salary paying job, and is presumably able to meet her own financial requirements from said salary including tax etc. but she still needs people to contribute for her wedding. I'd ask her what was the point of holding down a job.

I would have put in to the collection. The bride invited colleagues she considered friends. The friendship is the point here. She considers you a colleague but there's no friendship so why would she invite you.

The bride isn't expecting you to put in her collection. It's not her organising it. But in any event the collection is a collection of money from colleagues on a professional basis.

I think you were brave to refuse. I normally just out in even if I don't know them or want to. I think they should be banned unless for very exceptional events. A worker leaving after 50yrs of service with no sick leave taken for eg [grin

Birthdays and such, no. If youre friends with the colleague feel free to arrange your own gift etc..

I had an awkward thing the other week amongst a small group of friends. Going out for drinks for a birthday and was asked to contribute to a gift. I declined as I'm unemployed just now. As it was I spent 140 on a sitter, a couple of drinks and piece of cake!! Feeling a bit about that as it is! I don't understand the whole birthday gifts for adult thing tbh. And would never expect anything myself.

YANBU it's your money, do with it as you want. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't have contributed either. I wonder if those who think you're being 'tight' have thought about it from your perspective or are just being a little self-riteous. And as someone above commented - it's a gift, not a tax.

No one should be forced to put in to an office collection, cats-bumming is ridiculous. Usually our collections are left in Reception and you go and add to it if you want to. It should always be voluntary.

OP - can't be bothered to quote properly but you did say in your OP:-

"I wasn't invited (to the hen) so I don't think they should get dollar out of me"

which does seem to be there is a slight feeling of being slighted re hen do and therefore not contributing.

But I do think you are ambivalent towards your colleague and no relationship, nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with not giving on that basis either.

It always puzzles me why people have to question whether or not you want to donate to something. It is the height of rudeness to question you. You should not be made to feel you have to explain anything, for any reason.

I am retired now, but I loved working, except when faced with situations where I was expected to donate to everything, questioned when I chose not to, or was asked to participate in potlucks where people came in and ate the food and then made cracks about who brought what, or questioned whether or not someone washed their hands before preparing the food, or commented on how much someone ate. It was these people who kept me, an otherwise very sociable person, from participating in certain events or donating to things I really had no interest in donating to, for whatever reason. I am going to spell it all out: YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

Nope not unreasonable at all, not your friend, no invite so therefore no gift, you are totally in the right, if the others don't like it it is tough, let them enjoy the hen do and subsequent wedding, I would only be pissed if the bride to be asked me about why I didn't contribute, no justification needed on your part

YANBU but I would probably put in a couple of pounds as a token gesture. Would how much you put in be noted and commented on?

I wouldn't contribute. If it was a friend then I obviously I would have chipped in if I had been invited to the hen night or not, but not for an acquaintance.

She didn't feel that you were a close enough friend to invite on her hen do. You obviously think she's not a close enough friend that you need to contribute to her wedding collection. I think you're being perfectly reasonable x

I agree with OP 100%.
To many times do we go along with things not to offend. You gladly put in for others & you've declined to put in for her, you have your reasons & don't have to explain to anyone. I applaud your back bone !

Given that you didn't even get a card or acknowledgment from them during your recent hospital stay, I don't think you are being U in the slightest. The not being invited thing is a red herring to my mind. Screw them.

Have to say that I've worked in loads of places that do the whip-round, but I have never been made to feel bad for not contributing. It's a gift not an obligation!

Yep, not one penny from me!

I don't think I'd have put in - if it was a general collection for a retirement or something I would but if you've been one of the only people not to be included then why would you pay out ? Had they done the collection before invites were sent would you have contributed - ?
Personally if your not good enough to be included then your money shouldn't be required either 😳 Don't worry about it xxxx

I think you have got more courage than most people who would follow the herd. I get asked to contribute to some ludicrous stuff e.g. someone who doesn't even know my name comes up to me at coffee time to ask me to sponsor her husband to do a charity bungee jump. Grrrr. Tight is if you go to a party empty handed. You should give if you want to. If not say not this time thanks. Its supposed to be an option not a law!

I think YANBU.

If you don't want to contribute that's up to you - why would the collector make a big deal about it.

Are you looking around for new, better jobs? Sounds like it would be a pain being around these people (not that you should let them push you out - but it can sap energy)