Tight or Justified? Wedding Collection

[GemmaWella81]

The resident office collector is going around asking people to put into one of my colleagues wedding collections. I declined to put in and immediately got questioned why and the obligatory catbum face. My justification is that my colleague invited everyone but 3 people (team of 15) on a hen do abroad. Most people invited did end up going away but I was never invited and as a consequence I don't feel they get should get dollar out of me. I have no issue or bitterness other people going, I'm not that close to the person at all and I think it's tight to expect me to contribute when my presence is not wanted.

Anyway, I'm now being made out as the office scrooge and people are deliberately refusing to answer when I ask why should I.

WwYD?

Here for...

Maybe i didn't word it very well then. I was never expecting/wanting an invite. But I take issue with people (the collector) getting annoyed at me when I clearly have no relationship to the Hen and they know this. Hence why I feel like I'd of been a mug to put in.

I understand your feelings but for different reasons

I don't think people should be pressured into office collections, especially if you do birthdays, weddings, new babies...It can be endless.

My comments about the exclusion of me and two others was to point out how little the hen thinks of me hence why I feel even more justified saying no to the collection.

As for the other two.... I think they'd put in anyway irrespective as its the done thing to them I'd imagine.

I don't think "resident office collector" sounds bitter. Every large office has one - The person who thinks it's "their job" to spend time going from desk to desk collecting (and expecting others to do her -it's inevitably a her -work whilst she does this "important task). They also tend to get very shirty if anyone else dares to take a collection up -even if they are off or on holiday.

With such a deliberate exclusion of a very few - I think it does come across as a snub so the OP is completely justified in refusing to contribute -it's a donation not an obligation -and the collector is bang out of order to make a fuss about it and try to make the OP look/feel bad. It's a form of social bullying.

To put it into a Mummy context - If your child was not invited to a chld's birthday party but almost all the rest of the class were -and you were approached by another parent as the other parents were clubbing together for one big present for the child instead of lots of small presents - would you contribute or would you say "Sod off my child wasn't invited" ? Would you then expect the rest of the parents to gang up on you and tell you that you are mean ?

Same situation so YANBU

I think you are just being honest and really don't get why you have to do something just because others do. I wouldn't put in but then again I'm just not arsed what other people think about anything. If any one has a problem with it, that's exactly what it is....their problem.

I am with you OP, no hen no contribution!!
Why should you spend money when someone isn't bothered with your presence? I don't see it as tight, I see it as logical.

YABU any monitoring of who is putting what into an office collection is not on imo.

We get collections round for people I've never even heard of. Putting in for every collection would be madness

The good thing about being seen as tight is people stop asking for money.

I certainly wouldn't have put money in. They used to have collections in my last job but only for certain people. Used to piss me right off so I stopped putting money in them altogether. If I wanted to buy a person a present then I would.

I'm with the OP. When I worked in an office I NEVER contributed to anything - birthdays, weddings. new baby, house warming, leaving. I also made it very clear that I did not want any collections for my birthdays or leaving.

You weren't invited to attend so you don't have to feel guilty about not contributing. The cat's bums face was probably because the people attending will have to contribute more, to get them a better gift. You did nothing wrong.

I only contribute to collections if the person is someone I have a relationship with. Someone I barely know or only have a nodding acquaintance with at work? No. If you work in an office of 120 people, you can't donate a fiver every time someone has a birthday, a baby, a wedding, a retirement. You have to be sensible and limit to those you have a proper connection with.

YANBU

A children's party isn't (and should be) comparable to an office... And shouldn't be because we are wise adults not children.

To turn the question on its head. Would you have gone to the hen, had you been invited? i think the answer will be 'no,'

I wouldn't want to be on the hen of someone I wasn't close to, but i would wish them well for their wedding and contribute a small gift.

You are SO not being unreasonable!! 15 people's birthdays, charity fundraisers, etc etc- that's a lot of fivers. I give proportionate to how well I know someone and what I can afford. I wouldn't pay towards someone's wedding present if they'd deliberately excluded me from the event.

The person collecting is rude to question why you wouldn't put in....I have had to do collections in the past and if someone said they didn't want to put in then i just moved to the next person.....would've never questioned it!

In this case, stick to your guns - its your money so don't put in if you don't want to but don't be surprised that you are left out / made to feel bad by others - sounds like you work in quite a petty office.

I wouldn't have given a penny.

Seriously i throw abit in for everything but charity collections for evnts like walking the great wall of china. Sometimes its more than others depending on what i have but if everyone but something in it adds up. You tight op but its your choice. Take it if you leave, got married, had a baby no one does a collection for you.

Hell no, and the resident collector needs to do one with asking why. It is none of her business and not appropriate for an office.

Passive aggressive me would start an email to the bride about why! And if it kept up one to the boss about not harassing people for money.

Imagine if you were so skint that fiver was the difference in eating and not?!
Also imagine the reaction this thread would have gotten

Sorry you are being tight,

Sorry they're a bunch of money-hoovering opportunists, more like. YANBU.

The class present example above sums it up. YANBU.

You should have done the sleight of hand thing. Ask them to leave the collection with you while you get some money ready, and pretend to put some in, then hand it back.

That way you have stuck to your principles and your colleagues think you've given to the collection.

It should be voluntary and someone shouldn't go round collecting - they should just say, here's the envelope, put in if you want.

In our office there is almost 1 collection per week. I just put in for people I know and the amount could vary from a pound to a tenner depending on the occasion/need. Whether you get invited to the actual wedding is a separate issue though.

You tight op but its your choice. Take it if you leave, got married, had a baby no one does a collection for you.
It wouldn't matter if Op did contribute to every collection, it's usually only people in "the cliche" get a gift/benefit. My friends and I discussed our frustration of these collections and we realised, we always contributed but were never on the receiving end. Stick to your guns Op.

Last time someone did a collection here they specifically asked for £10 - it was the 50th birthday of a man I barely know. I actually said that because I didn't know him I'd give less, but still felt shamed into putting in £5. I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. In my last work there would be an email come round saying "there's a collection for X person being held in Y person's desk" and people just bunged money in an envelope, whatever they liked, with no-one knowing how much. That was a far better way of doing it.