Tight or Justified? Wedding Collection

[GemmaWella81]

The resident office collector is going around asking people to put into one of my colleagues wedding collections. I declined to put in and immediately got questioned why and the obligatory catbum face. My justification is that my colleague invited everyone but 3 people (team of 15) on a hen do abroad. Most people invited did end up going away but I was never invited and as a consequence I don't feel they get should get dollar out of me. I have no issue or bitterness other people going, I'm not that close to the person at all and I think it's tight to expect me to contribute when my presence is not wanted.

Anyway, I'm now being made out as the office scrooge and people are deliberately refusing to answer when I ask why should I.

WwYD?

YANBU. i'd have said fuck off no.

I would have thrown a fiver in to avoid any atmosphere. You've admitted you're 'aloof' with them so that will be why you weren't invited to the hen. You tend to need to be friendly to people for them to invite you to things.

Even if you do decide to put in now, it's a bit late - damage has been done & your colleagues won't forget, unless you go and get something specifically just from you I think.
I had a job where within the first week I was expected to contribute to a girls leaving present (only met her once!) - I did think but said "sure!" & popped a couple of quid in as it's just something you do.
If you stand firm, there's a chance you shouldn't expect anything for your birthday...

I'll happily put in a collection if i know the person well, but if it's someone who i maybe only know by name/the odd email then no i wont contribute.

Justified OP you are right. If you were never invited why should you contribute. had happened to me once long ago at uni some "friends" much younger than me usually didn't invite me for any birthday dos. one fine day they called and said its such and such's b'day we need to buy her a jane shilton bag, would you like to contribute? I refused. Only cos they needed the numbers so each has to contribute less.

Wow, opinion on this one has really swung!

For what it's worth OP, I don't think you were being unreasonable. No-one HAS to put into a collection. You were brave though to decline. I would probably have signed the card and put in £1. Like PPs, I tend to give more to those I know and care about and less/none to those I don't. Just because social convention dictates.

YANBU not to contribute but YABU to make a thing out of it.

I'd have just conveniently have 'no cash' that day and then quietly 'forgotten' to add anything.

IMO it's preferable to avoid creating bad feeling in the office than to make your personal feelings known.

YANBU to not contribute

YABVU to make it about the hen do, which you sound like you would have turned down anyway if asked, so why are you now making an issue of it?

IMO then Hen do and the wedding collection are two totally separate things

If you were asked to contribute to the hen do fund then you might have a point!

You're causing a problem and now wondering why people are treating you like you're a problem, there didn't have to be a problem, you could have just said "no, I don't have it, I'll sign the card if there is one" and left it at that, but you didn't.

I wouldn't have contributed myself, but also wouldn't have related the reason to the hen do as that makes it all sound a bit petty and silly. I'd have just replied with "We're not that close, but I hope she has a lovely day." or something similar.

Arfarfanarf guess you are right. will bear this in mind if ever something like this comes up. doing something like that in personal life and professional are very different. Because this can affect ones work life going forward.

It's fine for an office collector to ask everyone in the office to contribute to a birthday/wedding/sympathy/whatever car or present.

It's fine for anyone to refuse to contribute, for whatever reason they choose, or no reason at all.

It's not in the least bit fine for any refusers to be shamed or shunned as a result.

YANBU! Collections aren't obligatory requirements - you should put in when you want to!

Putting in to buy a wedding present is different to being invited in a hen. I have chipped in to wedding presents without being invited on hens or even a wedding, they are totally different things.

It's quite an eyebrow raiser how many people wouldn't want to put in to a collection but would feel intimidated into doing so if the collector doesn't use a discreet method but one akin to Dick Turpin.

I am boggling at these stories of people being guilted into giving.....do these things really happen in proper grown up workplaces, where everyone is busy and has stuff to do? People would be utterly bemused if anyone behaved like this at my office....thank the Lord. I have never contributed to a colleague's wedding present whip round either, I don't think I've ever seen one. I have been to colleagues' weddings, but in that case sorted my own present. Mind you, we possibly veer quite a lot the other way; often I only notice someone's gone on maternity leave about 6 weeks after they've finished.

Yanbu. No one should question why some one doesn't want to put in to group collections. Very rude, who knows what someone's circumstances are.

I've stopped putting in to every one at work, it was getting ridiculous there were so many, even a couple of £s adds up. I now only put in to those people I like or respect and even then if I like them enough to put a reasonable amount in I would arrange my own gift.

YANBU not to contribute.

YABU to draw attention to the fact. Just do what most people do when asked to contribute to something that they don't want to, rummage round in your bag and say you haven't got anything with you or will catch them next time. Invariably they will forget. If they don't then put in a tiny amount - say 50p or a £1.

This is what I do when asked to contribute to leaving gifts for short term contractors who earn much more than me precisely because by the nature of their title they are meant to be there for a short time. Have broken own rule though as just put in a fiver for leaving gift of contractor that I really like who has been there for 3 years,

YANBU! I hated working in offices where this went on. I've always been skint and didn't have spare money for any collections and so never contributed. Didn't expect anything for me, either. I mean, if you hang out with your colleagues they can do their own thing for your birthday/wedding. I did if I were friends with a colleague.

Worked in one office where collections in the workplace were banned. Bliss.

Yanbu

If you don't want to you don't want to it's not compulsory!

I think I'd probably put a few pounds in. Sign the card, be really friendly and outwardly congratulatory and hope they have a wonderful day etc. If you're aloof from the clique then its fair enough you were not included.

You have to spend an awful lot of time at work, why not make your life easier?

They shouldn't come round shaking the collection tin at you. In our place the envelope and card gets left in the office for a couple of days so those that want to contribute can. It is then moved on to the next office and then a final reminder e-mail sent out in case anyone has been missed out.

Also this way works best cos not everyone can afford the same amount so you can put in what ever you wish without feeling embarrassed.

I would've chucked in a couple of quid to keep the peace. I don't think you're BU though.

Office collections where I work are much better, an envelope gets passed around with a card to sign, and you put money in the envelope of you want to. I have always put in, but didn't when the office bully left last month. I'm glad I didn't have to have the awkwardness of explaining that I wasn't contributing because he was horrible!!

I do think that collections can be awkward. If someone is struggling financially they can feel pressured into contributing what they can't afford. I once worked somewhere where collection organisers expected us to put in £10 each!!