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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight or Justified? Wedding Collection

218 replies

GemmaWella81 · 23/06/2016 10:08

The resident office collector is going around asking people to put into one of my colleagues wedding collections. I declined to put in and immediately got questioned why and the obligatory catbum face. My justification is that my colleague invited everyone but 3 people (team of 15) on a hen do abroad. Most people invited did end up going away but I was never invited and as a consequence I don't feel they get should get dollar out of me. I have no issue or bitterness other people going, I'm not that close to the person at all and I think it's tight to expect me to contribute when my presence is not wanted.

Anyway, I'm now being made out as the office scrooge and people are deliberately refusing to answer when I ask why should I.

WwYD?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/06/2016 17:26

YABVU. I would have put in. I can't get my head around, why you wouldn't & why you are so bitter about not being invited, when you appear to look down your nose at the others

candykane25 · 23/06/2016 17:33

I didn't invite any colleagues to my wedding, it was a small do.
I was very touched to receive a card and a gift from them all on my last day in before my wedding. I didn't expect anything but it was a gesture of celebration. Very sweet and kind.
But I do thnk its fine not to contribute to a collection. If you're not arse about what they thnk, then don't worry about it. If you are arsed, bung a couple of quid in.

WoopWoop200 · 23/06/2016 18:11

YANBU

I don't see the problem. You were excluded and you have the right to do what you want with your money. You are not being tight.

Nikkibeak · 23/06/2016 18:12

This is no different to the questions asked about whether it is ok to invite 12 out of 15 classmates to a party. If you were one of the mum's of the 3 not invited would you contribute to a gift?
Anything where there's a group of people it's not ok to just leave a few out. Only inviting a few so lots of people aren't invited is ok or invite everyone. I can see why OPs back is up. Had she been invited to the hen I can see that despite not really liking the person she may have felt a little more inclined to put in towards a present but to be left out and she doesn't like her then why the hell should she put in?
You're not being unreasonable OP

Goingtobeawesome · 23/06/2016 18:15

Why would your money be acceptable if your company isn't? Oh, yes...

AgentPineapple · 23/06/2016 18:16

I would've put in, it's their wedding day, not sure what it has to do with being invited on the hen do or even the wedding, surely it's just a gift from colleagues to wish them well for their new future. Agree with other posts, sounds like sour grapes to me

Gazelda · 23/06/2016 18:17

Would you have gone on the weekend if you'd have been invited OP?

grannytomine · 23/06/2016 18:18

If it was put something I then I think you could have put a pound or two but I am a wimp. Where I used to work two people were getting married, I wasn't invited to the hen or the wedding, I wouldn't have wanted to go as I don't like weddings, but I was then told everyone was putting £10 in each collection. I was tempted to ask if there was a reduction for people not going to the wedding but I wimped out and still resent the £20.

Owlytellsmesecrets · 23/06/2016 18:21

12/15.... No way!

Don't feel guilty ..... Count all the money you have saved not bring friendly towards her!!!

fatsowhale · 23/06/2016 18:22

In my workplace the envelope goes round and you sign the card, contribute or don't contribute, then hand the envelope on. Not only would nobody know whether or not any one person had contributed, but nobody would care. It all sounds incredibly petty. You should not have been put on the spot like that, OP. You should be able to make your decision in private and definitely not have to justify it afterwards. It's your money ffs!

Bumpasaurusmumma · 23/06/2016 18:25

I have also refused to put into a collection for similar reasons and also that the person in question had a problem with me (I didn't have an issue with them). At our work people tend to decline by just saying they haven't got any cash at the time. No one judges if you don't put in. It's your money and your choice.
If I put into every collection at my work I'd have no money left for me!

elh1605 · 23/06/2016 18:25

Were you just excluded from the hen do or the actual wedding/evening do as well?? If it was the whole thing then I'm with you-why contribute towards someone who doesn't want you there. If it was just the hen do then yes a 'small' contribution would of been nice.

Pearlman · 23/06/2016 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowflakes1122 · 23/06/2016 18:27

if your presence isn't good enough, then nor is your money.
You did the right thing OP!

stillsingingintherain · 23/06/2016 18:30

Leaving 3 people out of a group of 15 is harsh! Its a slightly different situation but when one of my group of 6 friends got married they all got invited to the whole day apart from me who was just invited to the evening. I was really upset and didnt give her a wedding present (which was a honeymoon fund). YANBU to not give to the collection.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 23/06/2016 18:32

so they want you to, essentially, buy a wedding gift even though you are not invited to any part of the wedding just because you share the same office?

I'm with you OP. Well done

MrsPoldark · 23/06/2016 18:32

I'd say I understand those of you going will want to give something substantial as actual guests at the wedding. If you are all happy to bung a few quid in and then show up for an evenings free food & entertainment then you are all the tight ones. Rise above it and give the bride a small but useful gift if you're feeling pressurised (making out you'd planned to do that all along)

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 23/06/2016 18:33

and OP, If they are still giving you grief I'll chip in with a bit of monopoly money ;)

Pammie70 · 23/06/2016 18:34

As one who does all work collections because I can't get any other mug to take it on - blinking hate it 😠. I usually get a card put it in an envelope with everyones name on the front and ask them to tick when they have signed. I don't think it matters what people 'choose' to put in or not that's not my business. It's the people who leave it to the last day to sign so I have to chase around that get my goat.

iMogster · 23/06/2016 18:35

I wouldn't want to put in either. But would actually throw a few quid in anyway as I would have to carry on working with my colleagues. It's amazing how something so petty can ruin work for quite a long time.

GingerMerkin · 23/06/2016 18:35

I worked in an office where the entire team except me got asked to the boss's wedding and reception. I disliked her so didn't care and certainly didn't feel guilted into putting money in the collection for her. Or sign the card either.

magoria · 23/06/2016 18:35

I don't think you are BU.

The collector should have graciously accepted your decision and moved on.

StarTravels · 23/06/2016 18:38

If it was the other way round would you expect them to do a collection for you? It would be very miserable for you if everyone else gets cards and gifts for birthdays / weddings / leaving etc and you get nothing.

I think this is a normal thing in an office. You just put a few pounds in so "work" can get a colleague a gift. I'm not sure what it's got to do with her hen do.

oldmums · 23/06/2016 18:41

i would have put in the minimum i could get away with. I thought it was the office rule everyone chips something in, to every collection, no matter if you dont like/ agree with it.

Xocaraic · 23/06/2016 18:47

Kindness, is a strength although you seem to perceive it as a weakness.
It is much more challenging to hold your tongue and speak/give positively toward others, especially those who have mistreated you. Being kind is more challenging but the more honourable action.

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