Tight or Justified? Wedding Collection

[GemmaWella81]

The resident office collector is going around asking people to put into one of my colleagues wedding collections. I declined to put in and immediately got questioned why and the obligatory catbum face. My justification is that my colleague invited everyone but 3 people (team of 15) on a hen do abroad. Most people invited did end up going away but I was never invited and as a consequence I don't feel they get should get dollar out of me. I have no issue or bitterness other people going, I'm not that close to the person at all and I think it's tight to expect me to contribute when my presence is not wanted.

Anyway, I'm now being made out as the office scrooge and people are deliberately refusing to answer when I ask why should I.

WwYD?

Boiled.. What's all the "we" business. Speak for yourself, thankyou.
I happen to see 100% where the op is coming from.

If they are all friends and you are not then it is surely obvious that only they would be going on the hen and to the wedding.
I would then assume that they would each be buying a wedding gift/contributing money to whatever poem arrived.
The office collection is a completely separate thing and for the sake of office harmony on its own I think you are silly for not contributing. I would always contribute something to a collection for a colleague friend or not, invite or not.
If, on the other hand, the collection is for a group gift from the group then I think you are right not to contribute.

Collections are a pain. When I worked in a large office I didn't know half the people there but was expected to put into every collection, birthdays, babies, leaving, weddings etc.

It should be a matter of personal choice and people should not be bullied into putting in if they don't want to.

You either stand by your principles or chuck in £1 for a quiet life.

YANBU. I hate office collections. Pressuring people to give away money to people they have little to do with and no social connections too. It gets so out of hand. I can cope with emails that state where the collection envelope is and it is annomous but not requests for cash, and grabby hands asking for cash in person.

All this said in this particular case I would have put in about £3 and said nothing. With small teams you are likely to suffer the consquences yourself and £3 is a small price to pay for peace in the workplace no matter how unfair it is.

I don't bother if I don't have a genuine relationship with them, or don't like them, but I work in a large professional services organisation so most people wouldn't know if you'd contributed or not, and certainly wouldn't hassle you about it; you're made aware of the envelope or card and can get involved or not as you prefer. Giving money to someone you don't like to keep the peace? Fuck that. Some people's work places sound absolutely suffocating.

I would have just said "I've already got a congrats card for her so I won't do the joint one thanks"

I get your reasons, collections often seem to just want to bump up numbers and it pisses me off. However, the reason you replied with does come across sour grapes.

YANBU

So glad I don't work in an office.

Urgh.

Work collections are a bit shit anyway. If you like the person arrange with friends and buy them something.

Personally I think it makes you look petty for the sake of a couple of pounds. Whether 'excluded' or not (makes sense if you're not close), you could be happy for her, and contribute a bit too to a gift. It's really not worth making a fuss about. I would have given a bit rather than using it 'to make a stand' (about what: that you don't give unless you're invited) and embarrassing yourself.

I've just had the exact same thing happen at my workplace. I work from various sites so rarely go into head office, I'm in today and was asked to contribute to a collection for someone I've never spoken to. I said no and was treated to the cat's bum face and told everyone else has contributed. Fair enough, they probably know her, I don't so I won't be contributing. If I did sign her card she'd be wondering who the hell I was anyway!

You are NBU. To exclude 3 people was mean. I don't blame you for not contributing. I probably would have chucked in 20p. Did the other two fellow excludees (😀) contribute?

YANBU
You are allowed not to give, especially considering the 12 out of 15 thing... I would have given a couple of pounds though, as I always feel strange refusing to give something in front of all my colleagues.

YANBU. I hate office collections. I'd rather buy a birthday drink for people I'm actually close to, and if we aren't close the constant requests are irritating. And it embarrasses me if there's a collection for me. I'm a grown-up, I don't really need, expect or want presents from anyone except my partner.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. And whether or not someone chooses to contribute to an office collection, or the amount they put it, should not be commented on by the person doing the collection.

I wouldn't put money in and I'd say that I didn't contribute to wedding or birthday presents of people I didn't know

Wow, why the hell would you expect an invite when you aren't friends with her?! It's a hen do not a team lunch! What the hell do you mean 'how it comes across to you' - it should come accross as completely bloody normal.

Woman from work invites friends on hen do. Colleagues at work contribute small amount to wedding collection for colleague. Completely separate points. You're making an outcast of yourself for no reason.

Your friends and husband are agreeing either because you only befriend miserable self obsessed tight arses or they're following the social convention.

I see your point OP, but for the sake of a quiet like I would have put in £2 and said I was having a really tight month this month

I wouldn't feel a flush of generosity on the heels of her highly exclusive hen party, either. She has extremely bad judgement to invite 12 out of 15 co-workers.

It also sounds horrendously cliquey - I simply cannot imagine inviting co-workers to a hen party. This is far too much of two worlds colliding for my liking.

Nah you did the right thing. I'd have avoided putting in. Go gemma! A girl after my own heart. Quick to exclude you but happy to take your money.

Make sure you don't sign the card either

I only put in if I like the person. There should be no obligation on you to contribute and no ill feeling if you don't.

Of course it's personal. Otherwise OP would have been invited on the hen do.

Thanks for the opinions...

I fully appreciate to some it looks tight and they would put in irrespective.

I'll be back later, paperwork calling.

I would have stuck a couple of pound coins in and said no more (but muttered to myself no doubt!!).

Your post is a contradiction OP.

You say:

• you are not close to the bride to be and wouldn't be expected to be invited
• they are a group who are close friends

Then you say:

• you have been singled out/on of the few not invited

Which is it?

If someone is getting married in the office who you aren't close to but wish well, you would give to the collection and not need to refuse and hold open debates about why you've refused. So for the sake of a few pounds you are causing conflict in a small office.

You sound quite resentful of your colleagues in general, eg 'resident office collector' - has a bitter tone. Rather than just declining it sounds like you want to make an issue of it with your colleagues 'people are deliberately refusing to answer when I ask why should I' (quite grumpy, teenage and about you)

Sounds like the issue is you want to be in this group and are not.

I don't think you should put in but the point is, they should just accept that you haven't and let it go. They seem petty and stupid for making a big deal of it.