What's with all the slag off my kid's father posts

[Clarke83]

I'm on Facebook. Mainly I use it to keep up with family who live far away but I also occasionally check in at the local cinema, restaurant, soft play etc. I realise that people use Facebook for a variety of reasons but why use it as a forum to air your grievances and anger with your ex and father of your children?

Seriously it's not even Father's Day until tomorrow and I've already seen a ton of posts from people slagging off their child's father or "sperm donor" as they put it, calling them a waste of space and how they are complete d*k h**s. Why do women do this, why so they stoop to such a level?

I was a single mother for two years when my husband of 12 years upped and left me and his two young children for another woman. I'm now in a happy long term relationship but I'll admit I'm still rather angry with my ex and can never forgive him for walking out on his children. But I don't chose to voice that anger to my friends and sometimes even strangers on Facebook. I know people are different but why do this, there's no need for it. Aibu here?

the only comments I would ever make on Facebbok are rational ones related to the non-payment of maintenance and self-employed loop holes. It absolutely is abusive, it's calculated and very, very deliberate. Why are you trying to silence me?

Evidently you are not being silenced. If you are posting all about your personal life on Facebook then the last thing you are is silenced.

It's just so...... teenage.

wow! you make huge assumptions about people you have never met, don't you?

The non-receipt of maintenance is a massive issue. It is something which ensures thousands and thousands of children in this country are living in absolute poverty. Non payment of maintenance is something which is quietly accepted by the establishment, it is enshrined in law and supported by so-called professionals. It impacts my life personally - it restricts my ability to pay my bills, keep a roof over our heads, pay for essential maintenance on the house, keep my children warm, put food on the table, to save for my future, putting money into a pension etc. etc. etc. The impact on my children and their futures is enormous.

Are you suggesting that I cannot share....newspaper articles, relevant blog posts, links to petitions, or indeed, share my frustration that my roof is leaking yet again and I have no means of patching it up?

So yes, you are trying to silence me. You are suggesting I am childish, undignified...because, why? Because I dare to say 'hang on a minute, this is a major issue, it affects me, it affects my children, it affects thousands and thousands of other women and children and I want you to know about it'? I have plenty of dignity - I work full time, I manage a large house, I manage my children's SEND, I am sole provider and my head is held very high. I recognise that in the big scheme of things, my professional salary and lack of mortgage mean that I don't suffer half as much as I could do. But no way on earth will some petty, small-minded person on the internet stop me shouting loud and clear about the injustices that exist in the system and the impact that has on too many real people out there.

To be very clear, I don't - and never have - posted comments of a personal nature along the lines of 'what a fucking bastard, no maintenance money again, who the fuck does he think he is?, but I will post about the bigger picture and I will do everything I can to raise awareness. You won't silence me - or women like me - but sadly that won't stop you trying to pretend we don't exist, that we somehow are to blame for our situations, and that we get everything we deserve. That is silencing and ensures that the status quo - and the negative impact it has on women and children - is allowed to continue.

Well cannot that was a heck of post which I entirely (more or less) agree with.

But it does appear that you have misread the entire thread, which was about exactly the sort of posts that you mention in your final paragraph and in which you do not indulge.

So I think we're all arse about face here a bit.

I don't think cannotlogin misread the thread. You just seem to have made different assumptions kitchenunit

but surely I am 'washing my dirty laundry in public' if I mention maintenance...because surely it's obvious what I'm on about?!

so...yes, you are trying to silence. If it isn't appropriate to post about something that affects me and thousands of others just because it also happens to be something to do with my ex? really?

Cannot we seem to be reading different threads.

No one has said that

But there is a world of difference between posting blogs and articles about something which might affect you personally and actively slagging off your child's parent. The OP was very definitely about the latter.

Telling people that they really should have a bit more self respect than to post about their actual ex's (or anyone else for that matter) on Facebook is not silencing them. And if it is then TBH so it should be. People should think twice about how they come across when they stoop to that level.

Last week someone posted on my FB something along the lines of "I'm single now as he couldn't keep it in his pants. Ah well now he's free to go off and shag whoever he wants." . Very sad for her obviously but really? Did she really need to make a public announcement to her closest 400 friends?

fb walls aren't the place to air your grievances with your dc's other parent.
Why not?

How is what he did a reflection on her and how is posting it a reflection on her?How is it 'dirty laundry'? Would you feel the same about complaining that your child had a bike stolen? Would you call it 'dirty laundry'? Because the child whose dad is a deadbeat is having something stolen here.

Why not post about non-payment of child support?
How is it a good thing to be silent about a massive injustice?
Who gets away with non-payment of child support when legions of women remain silent about it?

Who pays for the support of the legions of children affected?

Who are you protecting when you slag off women for lack of 'dignity'?
Who are you hurting?

What or who exactly are women supposed to protect their children from in not posting about non-payment of child support or no-shows on contact days?
Alleged adults who might gossip about them?
Bullying in school?
How is there shame attached to the children if it is known that their father is a deadbeat?
Double standards much?

It is 100% an attempt to silence women when you set up 'lack of dignity' as the ultimate crime alongside failure to get over the ex (associated with 'bitterness') and then heap the ultimate shame of the label 'undignified' upon women's heads for committing the massive crime of telling it like it is.

You are also assuming women who are complaining are playing games, trying to get their ex to engage with them on any level, because they are so desperate to keep them attached.

Good grief.

Maths posts are spot on! Until people realise it's not abstract men but their sons, brothers, uncles that are the deadbeat dad's nothing will change. (and I apply that to the rarer but still exist deadbeat mums too).

It is NOT the shame of the NRP's doing the parenting, finding the money (somehow) to raise those children.

It is the shame of the parents that barely see or communicate with their kids

It is the shame of the parents who don't pay maintenance, exploit the loopholes that are outrageously left to stand, who think they are saints IF they pay the legal minimum without a fuss (which is NOWHERE NEAR the actual 50% cost of raising the child they SHOULD be paying).

It is the shame of parents who will not see the emotional effect on those dc of them abdicating their role as parents but STILL expecting (eg on Father's Day!) to receive praise and thanks for the very little they do.

It is 100% an attempt to silence women when you set up 'lack of dignity' as the ultimate crime alongside failure to get over the ex (associated with 'bitterness') and then heap the ultimate shame of the label 'undignified' upon women's heads for committing the massive crime of telling it like it is. This 100%.

mathanxiety's posts have definitely given me food for thought.

I have always been of the "Don't air dirty laundry" camp on FB; I'll never posy stuff about my love life, or DS's dad, who was abusive. But, ever since splitting up with him, and having DS- all of 6 years- I have felt horribly isolated by people not knowing what went on, especially as he still lives very locally, (I strongly suspect) gives a very different version of why he doesn't see DS, and regularly sends his (female) flying monkeys to harass me. I find myself ranting to people one-to-one about this in a pretty desperate sounding way fairly often.

Recently, a friend posted a statement on her timeline, refuting, in a quite dignified way, things that her ex had been saying about her. She got loads of support, and it got me thinking- have I been isolating myself by keeping silent?

But I think really, the main reason I keep quiet about it on FB, and, unless I'm 100% sure of who I'm speaking to in RL too, is that, if it got back to him he's just intensify his self publicity campaign and the war of words would just escalate. Better not to feed it, I think.

Interesting post, mathanxiety. Facebook didn't exist when my dd was young, but I do remember the rage at her dad who seemed to think that I could put her away in a cupboard and only bring her out again when he happened to have the money to feed her.

Zerena that is possibly one of the most ignorant offensive posts I've ever seen on here!

I did the 'don't speak ill of the ex' with my dd for a long time. In hindsight and with my dds response it was wrong. She felt wrong for thinking ill of her dad (even though she had done NOTHING wrong!) she says it made her feel she couldn't be honest about her feelings. In addition I've been told this by quite a few other children of divorce and children of divorce have said similar on this thread.

Have you even been through a relationship breakdown?!

Did you mean to be so goady, Zerena?

Math; I take it you assume anybody who disagrees with you is being goady? If someone is going to project their anger issues onto me by responding to a post they haven't even read properly, then i'm going to call them out on that.

Au contraire, what I found goady was this execrable piece of smugness:

'you need to learn from bad choices. You have to think; what red flags did I miss, so there's no repeat. If you want someone who is good, decent, respectful, kind and loving, you have to learn to be all those things yourself.'

'...project their anger issues' is also goady.

As is, 'You should listen, pay attention and respond accordingly rather than lashing out in emotion. It's also the only healthy way to parent so try it and maybe your kid won't be scared to express herself around you.'