What's with all the slag off my kid's father posts

[Clarke83]

I'm on Facebook. Mainly I use it to keep up with family who live far away but I also occasionally check in at the local cinema, restaurant, soft play etc. I realise that people use Facebook for a variety of reasons but why use it as a forum to air your grievances and anger with your ex and father of your children?

Seriously it's not even Father's Day until tomorrow and I've already seen a ton of posts from people slagging off their child's father or "sperm donor" as they put it, calling them a waste of space and how they are complete d*k h**s. Why do women do this, why so they stoop to such a level?

I was a single mother for two years when my husband of 12 years upped and left me and his two young children for another woman. I'm now in a happy long term relationship but I'll admit I'm still rather angry with my ex and can never forgive him for walking out on his children. But I don't chose to voice that anger to my friends and sometimes even strangers on Facebook. I know people are different but why do this, there's no need for it. Aibu here?

when I see I slag off my children's post I always think we'll you choose Him

Oh meant to include - but on fb he's a doting dad 'prevented' from seeing dd and calling/texting her regularly - all bullshit!

My Dad would do this too. My Mum did a lot of biting her tongue because she knew she'd be called "bitter ex" or "jealous" if she pointed it out.

My Mum didn't ever slag my Dad off to us until but sometimes I'd overhear her crying on the phone to her friend when she thought we were sleeping, she'd cry about db and I being gutted that once again he never showed up, that once again he's forgotten our bdays. My dad's behaviour did much much more damage to my brother and I than knowing she'd complained about him to her friends.

I kind of wish id spoke out now, cos I let him get away with it by being quiet, his funeral was very very weird, a very big part of step mums speech was about how he lived for his dc, and how he had it hard sometimes because mum prevented him access, but he kept fighting for us because he was such a great dad etc. In contrast that other than my aunts and family, not one of the packed church knew who db and I were. They didn't know we were his children. They'd never seen us with Dad because Dad never saw us, they'd seen no photos cos Dad didn't have any. Being at my Dad's funeral and having his friends, neighbours and stepmums family ask me who I am, and then telling me how lucky I was to have such a great a Dad in the next breath was both upsetting and frustrating.

i don't understand why you'd want to air your dirty laundry on fb either but such is life

Northernparent, do you realise that people rarely choose people who show their true colours before there are children on the scene? Would you say what you just posted here to a victim of domestic violence?

I have ranted about my ex on facebook. I have also posted when I had to go to Court and give evidence against the violent, abusive bastard. The support was incredible and helped me get through a dreadful time. Those same friends celebrated online with me when he was found guilty and they knew he would be kept away from me for the next 18 months via a Court order.

The posts were hidden from my teen so she couldn't see them but she knows exactly what he's like anyway.

The vomit inducing Awwwww look at my gorgeous kids posts 20 times a day or a picture of the baby with the caption - love my boy every bloody day is much more cringeworthy than someone going through a genuine battle in life and getting real support from others.

Would you say what you just posted here to a victim of domestic violence?

I would say she just did!

Its because they secretly want someone to tell their ex what is being said in my opinion or they want a million sympathy posts.

They are probably upset that their child won't be able to spend Father's Day with their father because he is absent or abusive. The child may even be asking why they can't see their father on Father's Day like their friends do. I know I find all the commercial hype around Father's Day depressing because I miss my dad, who is deceased. It must also be difficult for those with absent fathers. It's not ideal for the mother to vent on Facebook but better than in front of the child. Or perhaps they are pre-empting the father telling mutual friends that it is the mother's fault they don't see their children by telling their side of the story.

I agree. My oldest son dad was abusive in every way, but I wouldn't post it on fb as I would think it's disrespecting my child. I may hate him but my child doesn't and wouldn't appreciate it when he is older. He isn't a great father either nor has he ever paid maintenance.. but it's up to my son when he older if he wants to keep relations. At least he will kno I never kept him from seeing him or let my own feelings towards his father effect him.

Im childfree so am not in this kind of situation but i never put stuff about my private life on fb. Not ever.

A lot of the time it is done in order to set the record straight. There are lots of dads around who are heroes in their own minds and not one bit shy of broadcasting their marvelousness to their friends, to mutual friends of theirs and their exes, to family, to colleagues, etc. It is really important to present the truth.

Suffering in silence can hurt everyone who is a victim of an abusive absent father. It is not the high road because it makes it impossible for victims to reach out for help or support when a community has been conned into thinking a man deserves a medal for parenting.

Presenting a version of your life where only the sugar coated elements are suitable for anyone else to know about also makes it hard for other women to imagine they are not alone.

when I see I slag off my children's post I always think we'll you choose Him

well aren't you just delightfully smug?

I've posted on fb that my ex is a waste of good skin that could be used for book binding. Or that his organs could be better used by someone else. He's an appalling human and at the time I was receiving HUNDREDS of abusive messages a day from him. I had a priority alert attached to my address for the police so if I ever called them they would respond immediately. I was constantly on edge, the stress and anxiety was unreal, and yes, I was probably slightly manic and out of my mind with anger and stress when I posted. It's fucking true though.

northern you know that most arseholes are very good at acting like perfectly normal people don't you? Otherwise nobody would ever have a story about that time someone was an arsehole as we would all avoid them like the fucking plague.

Is it really "slagging off" or are you talking about women who share their experiences in a factual manner?

Women have spent a long time being told that they should "be nice" and keep private matters behind closed doors. It's a great way of masking the widespread abuse that goes on.

Why shouldn't men be held accountable for their negative behaviours? Why should women keep quiet to protect them? Why shouldn't women share their experiences and make people aware of issues that are out there?

I don't slag off my kids dad on facebook, but I have used humour and made it clear that he sees fit to not pay maintenance because he would rather buy a boat. That's a fact. And yes, my kids will find out when they are old enough to understand and have a facebook. It's not my job to cover for him. And he can see my posts every time he stalks me or hacks my computer to lift my password. So he knows that when he walks down the street, that half the people in our small village know that he chooses not to support his kids. That's why I mention my ex on facebook.

But yeah, I guess all the mistreated women who are feeling shit and posting for support owe you an apology for dirtying your facebook with their issues. They should suffer in silence so you don't have to see it.

They should suffer in silence so you don't have to see it.

The opposite of posting your private life all over Facebook isn't "suffering in silence". I certainly didn't suffer in silence when my ex was being a twat, I spoke to friends and family and received support from them in return. I also saw a counsellor who gave me the strength to get through it.

What I didn't do was post my private struggles on my Facebook so I could fish for faux sympathy from every Tom Dick or Harry. Whilst I don't have a lot of Facebook friends, I do have plenty who I wouldn't tell my most private thoughts to - work colleagues, the kids' friends' parents, friends I haven't seen for a while, friends who live on the other side of the world.

There is plenty of opportunity to get real support from real friends as opposed to the "awww hun" "support" which means nothing and is merely attention seeking.

And to the poster who said it is not your job to hide your ex's real nature from your kids - yes it is, in so far as they manage to have a real relationship with the side of him that he shows to them. I hate my ex, but my kids love him. If he manages to continue enough of a relationship with them that the love continues and they have a worthwhile relationship with him into adulthood then great. The fact that he was a total cunt to me is irrelevant to that. If they then see shit all over my Facebook about what a dick he is then they aren't going to thank me for that. It shows a total lack of respect for their relationship with their dad that stuff like that is left to stand.

Even in the instance that they dont have a relationship with him, let them choose whether or not they want the wider world to know that daddy is a cunt and doesn't love them. I can't imagine wanting Facebook to know my dad doesn't value me enough to pay my mother maintenance or to see me. I'd be humiliated.

I don't know though I've seen a few happy fathers day mum posts popping up I think that's nice some acknowledgement for parents who do it all for whatever reason

The father of my daughter is a complete twunt. He pissed off 2 weeks before she was born then reappeared in her life just before her 4th birthday. Disappeared for 2 years when she was about 6 and since then sees her a couple of times a year. Despite her having a phone and iPad he never phones / face times her. She is about to turn 13. He makes out to the world he is a perfect dad any photos of her he has have been taken from her Instagram or Facebook accounts. He told his family I kept her existence a secret from him til she was over 3!! I stop him seeing her, contacting her and it's my fault she doesn't want to be left on her own with him ( he left her sat on her own in a restaurant for over 20 mins when she was 8 and she got scared) plus the amount of contact he has had means he is a stranger to her again all my fault! I had a girlfriend (there have been several) ring me to tell me how upset he was I hadn't helped her sort a birthday card or present for him - er he doesn't bother with his dd birthday so why would she want to?

Mostly I keep my venting for when I'm with my friends but sometimes I'm furious and vent on Facebook just to inform mutual friends and his family he is not the Saint he makes out to be! I hide the rants from my dd but to be fair she knows exactly what he is like and her private messages to her friends are worse than my Facebook rants!

YANBU. Communicating the right information and message in a short paragraph is bloody hard work.

Even if he is an arse, people run the risk of making themselves look either obnoxious or whiny.

Far better to keep your lip buttoned and vent your spleen to the people in your life you actually talk to.

Never seen anything like that on my FB and been on it years.

I choose not to vent about my dds bio father on facebook because no one has met him who is on there so what would be the point? (she is 16)

If the kids are too young to be on FB, they won't know about it and if they are old enough to be on FB they will already know their dad's a lazy bastard who can't be bothered with them or whatever.

Maybe men who float into multiple women's lives, promise them the world then leave them pregnant/with a young baby while they move onto the next etc should be called out in public? Lucky you OP, you got a ~ new career ~, a lot of women this sort of thing happens to are still in their teens/poorly educated/lacking a good support system and end up ~ struggling on benefits ~ .

I can't say I've ever any "aw Hun" posts in response to anything I have ever posted. Anywhere. Because it's clear that I mention my own experiences with lack of maintenance as a part of a pernicious and often overlooked feminist issue.

If you have a problem with posts that you perceive to be whiny or passive aggressive, then I would question whether your problem is actually with that individual and their tone. In that case, why not unfollow instead of pretending you're their friend?

we'll you choose Him

It is shite like this that allows the abuse of women and children by men to continue. No, I didn't choose to be lied to, cheated on and left high and dry with three babies. I chose marriage, security, togetherness, mutual responsibility. Unfortunately, there is no long term test you can take. People change. Shit happens.

My ex - and my ex alone - is responsible for his relationship with his children. It ceased having anything to do with me the day he walked for his mistress. If he doesn't want his relationship with his children compromised then he should ensure he puts them first in everything he does. He doesn't so one day they will be old enough to piece it together and understand just who cared for them and who didn't. They will make their own minds up and if my ex has been decent then any frustration they may have overheard along the way from me won't matter, will it?

Misogyny of the 'you chose him' variety allows men to continue doing whatever it is the want to do. Whilst women are prepared to blame other women for men's behaviour, it will continue. Whilst decent men are prepared to drink beer with their brothers, friends and colleagues and slap them on the back with a 'well, what did she expect?' It will continue. Challenge men who behave like this, expect.....no, demand the men in your life behave decently towards their ex's and their children. Stop blaming the people left holding the baby without emotional or financial support.