What's with all the slag off my kid's father posts

[Clarke83]

I'm on Facebook. Mainly I use it to keep up with family who live far away but I also occasionally check in at the local cinema, restaurant, soft play etc. I realise that people use Facebook for a variety of reasons but why use it as a forum to air your grievances and anger with your ex and father of your children?

Seriously it's not even Father's Day until tomorrow and I've already seen a ton of posts from people slagging off their child's father or "sperm donor" as they put it, calling them a waste of space and how they are complete d*k h**s. Why do women do this, why so they stoop to such a level?

I was a single mother for two years when my husband of 12 years upped and left me and his two young children for another woman. I'm now in a happy long term relationship but I'll admit I'm still rather angry with my ex and can never forgive him for walking out on his children. But I don't chose to voice that anger to my friends and sometimes even strangers on Facebook. I know people are different but why do this, there's no need for it. Aibu here?

Zzzzz? Try harder.

It's just so self indulgent. No doubt some of these parents are the worst examples of parent that there are and I'd certainly rant and rave about them to my friends. But if I had a young child who might read my rants or hear about my rants and be hurt or confused by them as a consequence, I'd hold back.

Because it's not all about me.

Why are you so certain that these dca will be hurt. The albeit older (10+) kids I know who have a shit father are well aware what their father is and are the first ones to slag him off.

If the father is the the most irresponsible useless pos going, i find it baffling that people think that shielding their children from this, and not saying anything remotely negative regarding that behaviour publicly will be a good thing for their children, and society as a whole. If your not condemning it, then your condoning it imo. And fb is one of the most popular means of communication at present so its hardly surprising that its used in this way.

You can condemn shit behavior all you like in private. It's just doing it on Facebook that's yuck.

There is a different between "on Facebook " and "in real life", you know that right? The two are not one and the same. Shock horror I can hold an opinion, share that opinion among my friends and not post it on Facebook

Perfectly possible.

If your not condemning it, then your condoning it imo

This sentence is utter toss, and not just because of the grammar.

Thanks for your post WomanActually - it says such a lot

I disagree with the polite/classy/high road approach.

It only serves to isolate victims. If bad behaviour by men who are fathers can only be spoken of in the abstract with no men named, women and children can get the impression that 'this only happens to other people', or 'this is only done by other men, not the men we know, not our neighbours or our colleagues or fellow school parents'.

It is a huge pity that we prefer to find fault with the choice to use a public forum to air grievances and we don't seem to be able to muster up the same sort of distaste for the men who essentially require that the public pay for their children or deal with the consequences when children are not provided with solid male role models.

If children are being embarrassed about posts on FB then we need to look at our attitudes, because it is society's attitudes towards the victims that cause that. It is also society's tendency to make irrationally and unreasonably huge allowances for men that causes that.

The problem, KitchenUnit, is that what women are posting is not 'dirty laundry' any more than rape is.

A victim is isolated because they can't share it on Facebook?

Are you kidding?

No one is saying the women (let's face it it is mostly women) can't talk about it, can't ask for help, can't speak to friends and family, see counsellors, go to the police or access any one of a thousand ways of getting help and support.

If they can't access any of these then that is cutting off their support, that is silencing them and that is covering up the actions of these men by refusing to hear the stories of their victims.

Absolutely.

But we are talking about posting on facebook. The wah wah look at me selfie fest social network. And in particular, talking about posting public statuses and comments. No one ever, ever, ever achieved anything from a me me me status about their shitty ex than a bunch of non friends either posting "xxx" or grief vulturing "aw pm me hun " comments. That's not support. It's teen posturing, deep as a puddle.

There are times when Facebook is supportive, definitely. I have belonged to a couple of different private groups over the years used exclusively for support in various ways. They are the people you get valuable opinions from, shared experiences and who will support you through whatever it is you're going through.

Ranting about your ex makes you look bad. No matter how shit your ex is. It makes you look bad because it looks like you're not over him, it gives the ex the oxygen of publicity, it looks like you have nothing better to do than to obsess over whatever it is your ex has recently done. It makes you look like an emotionally incontinent 15 year old.

I'm too proud to post a stitch about my ex on Facebook. Fuck him if he ever, ever thinks that I give enough of a shit to even have him anywhere near my Facebook or the rest of my life. But then, I believe that the best revenge is a life well lived, in moving on and being the better person.

And my kids aren't being lied to that daddy is a superstar when actually he's a cunt. They are learning to forge their own relationship with a man who was a shit husband and is a pretty crap father, but who is actually the only one they've got and therefore they've got nothing to compare him to. It's not up to me to dictate the terms of their relationship or whether they have one at all. It's certainly not up to me to dictate how others see their relationship with their father because they've read bile from me all over Facebook.

Rape? Get over yourself.

Yes I've seen a passive aggressive status today from a friend who is recently (acrimoniously) divorced from her ex and father of her daughter, it's all about how it takes more than biology to make a Dad and going on about men who step up to take responsibility for children who aren't biologically theirs.

It's just all a bit embarrassing and cringe. Don't air your dirty laundry in public. Children are going to grow up and potentially see all this crap posted between their parents. Just childish.

All women who are victims are isolated when they do not know they are not alone. Women who think they are the only ones suffering are very unlikely to reach out to anyone for help when it happens to them.

In addition, women to whom others reach out for help are unlikely to take the victims seriously if they have been fooled by the silence into believing that stuff like this doesn't happen. They are more likely to believe that this is an isolated, individual case and the victim must have somehow contributed to the situation.

It is closeting. It is never healthy.

It contributes to society's failure to face up to the massive problem caused by thousands and thousands of men when women do not talk about it, if not 'loud and proud' then at least 'unashamed'.

Why is it important to look as if you are 'over' your ex?
Why do you call comments about an ex 'ranting'?
Why does any of that make a woman look bad?
What harm is she doing?
What sort of double standard is in operation here, where the problem she posts about is less important than how she comes across?

The big question here is 'Why do we not allow women to express anger?'

Dignity.

That is all.

Have some.

This annoys me too.
I have 4 children the 2 I have by birth don't see their fathers, the eldest sees his as a uncle type figure occasionally, they actually get on great but he's not his dad really.
My feelings on their behaviour or position is irrelevant, I would never dream of insulting them publicly, simply because these posts stay online forever and one day my children may read them.
Respect is key not for their behaviour but for the genetic relationship they have with my children. With adopted children I'm the first to say biology doesn't matter and it doesn't but respect does. Im no saint but there's a big difference between ranting to a friend in private and posting on Fb.
Whatever I may think of my adopted children's biological parents I would never insult or disrespect them, in anyway, same goes for my birth children's fathers. I don't condone their behaviour but there are better ways of discussing these issues than trading insults on social media.
Having been through an awful version of this issue with my eldest dd I cannot stress how important I feel this is.

What is 'dignified' about it?

Do women have to be dignified?
If so, why?
Why is the lack of 'dignity' something to criticise a woman for?

Who is giving out the medals for 'dignity'?
Or is there some other prize?
Perhaps the prize is improved child support?
Perhaps it will improve reliability so a child can depend on seeing her father?

What is important about 'dignity'?

If you don't understand by adulthood what is important about dignity then I'm not going to waste my time explaining it to you.

Oh let's not suggest that women are being isolated because people think it's cringeworthy to slag off their ex/mil/mother/ on Facebook. People will be suggesting that Jeremy Kyle is another great source of support next. .

If someone stood up in the middle of a pub full of friends and started slagging off their ex (be that person male or female) people would cringe and look away. There are far better ways to rant than to need to air your dirty laundry in public. Where does it end. So woman slags off male ex on FB. This is ok because she should have a platform on which to rant. Except there are generally two sides to many stories, so the ex starts slagging off woman A on FB, he should be allowed to do that, after all he should have a platform on which to rant. And meanwhile there are families, friends, children in the mix for whom it's all a bit embarrassing.

Math your posts are absolutely spot on here. My god.

Math has nailed it. It's finding a balance because it's not the job of women to hide abuse by men. The truth has to be told.

It's not always about abuse. Some people are just irritated by their ex. It doesn't mean they're an abusive twat.

Why assume all Facebook friends are a bunch of random people? I know all of my Facebook friends. Don't most people?