Why is it so unbelievable that not everyone has outside help?

[NeedACleverNN]

Not quite TAAT but inspired by one.

I've seen many a thread where the OP desperately needs to go out whether to collect a child from school or to go to the shop.

She can't go because a child is sick or is in bed and the automatic response is always ask a neighbour/friend/family even when it's been made clear in the OP that none of the above are available.

Take me for example.

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric, my two children would be in bed.

Now I would have to possibly leave them for up to 7 mins on their own because:-
My neighbours don't speak English so wouldn't know what to do
My husband is at work and wouldn't be able to get away
I have no friends who could be there at the drop of a hat
Same with family.

Yet nearly every other post would still be "why can't your neighbour just watch them for 10 mins"?

Is it really that hard to believe in this day and and age that not everyone has outside support anymore?

Disclaimer:- I have not run out of electric and I do not need to go to the shop. This was my made up example without having to resort to an example about another thread

'I think if I had kids and no support network, I'd be baking cookies for the neighbours and making an effort to get to know them in order to find one or two I could add to my world.'

Well, one of my neighbours is a well-known drug peddler that we had to report to the police because he kept abusing us verbally. The other, it's a homeless flat, smokes weed constantly. The other is the girlfriend of said drug peddler and an addict.

There's not a one in here I'd want to 'add to my world' much less bake for.

Not everyone lives in the quintessential MN quiet cul-de-sac in suburbia.

These threads are just like the ones where OPs come on and have no money.

'Can't you borrow from a friend or family member?'

Gees, don't you think they would have if they had such a friend or family member.

YY, HVs, drs, MWs and schools are the worst for it. 'Surely you have someone who can watch them.' 'Let me just call Dr Who, fucker. Why didn't I think of that first?'

When my kids were 18 months old I fractured my finger by slamming it in the car door. Waited 3 days till DH could take them for the afternoon and then went to the minor injuries clinic. The doc was like "but why would you wait 3 days?" and I just thought, great, I'll take that as carte blanche to rock up here the next time with two toddlers in need of a nap and see how that improves everyone's waiting experience...

It was bloody scary when they were little. DD2 got a chest infection at the same time and spent the night in hospital. We were like phew because it was the weekend so DH could stay in the house and put DD1 to bed at the normal time while I was there with DD1. There was the odd time he had to be away overnight for work and it used to scare the crap out of me. We had some lovely neighbours who'd really have tried to help but as it happened they all had significant caring responsibilities of their own.

Just also wanted to say I have the profoundest respect for single parents who do this stuff the whole time.

We're on leccy and gas meters. I'm thinking about switching to the ones you can top up online. Think it's called Ovo energy.

toomuch Why three days - presumably your OH doesn't work 24 hours a day ?

"wouldn't leave my child with them, i dont know any of them, and DONT anyone tell me i should get to know them, i don't want to!). "

But that's your choice - if you don't WANT a support network then don't have one ......but it does mean when the SHTF you can't complain as you've chosen not to have one. If that means dragging sick toddlers out in the cold, eating soup and crackers for two days straight or whatever - that's an informed decision you made for you and your children. Just means you can't moan about it. We are all masters (mistresses) of our own destiny !

'Just means you can't moan about it. We are all masters (mistresses) of our own destiny !'

Oh, to live again in a world where it were possible to believe that's really true. If only . . .

I was out for a walk with the baby in her pram once, when I realised I had been locked out. Dh worked 90 minutes away so couldn't feasibly come back and let me in. Dd was due a feed (bottle) and it was cold out. My dad is a lorry driver and was halfway across the country so couldn't help and everyone else was at work. I went across the road to our elderly neighbours who I had barely even said hello to as we hadn't lived their long. I had to just apologise for being so forward and ask for help! I asked if we could just sit in their house in the warm until my father in law finished work and could come and pick us up. They were so lovely and helpful, even trying to break into my house for me!

It's the 'knock on a neighbours door and ask if they can go to the shop for you' I find incredible.

I don't know any of my neighbours. I certainly wouldn't ask them to go to the shop for me and if they asked me I'd give them this face and say no.

Umm, that makes you quite rude and unhelpful mylovegoesdown. Most people are friendly and helpful and will want to help out where they can.

I can't believe anyone would have the audacity to knock on a neighbour's door and ask them to go to the shops for them.

Some people clearly inhabit a different planet to me.

Yes I have always been wondering what would the posters who are so keen to see the OP knocking on the NDN door would do if one of their NDN that they hardly speak to would ask such a favour?

There are some people who just do not get it. And will not get it.

If you have a child with a disability, or you are a single working parent, if you live rurally with poor public transport, if you live in a poor area with undesirable neighbours, if you have no extended family, then your support networks are not going to be the same as they are for other (usually much wealthier) parents. All of those things, and others, are very isolating in their own ways. Combining even just a few of those things often results in parents living in near isolation from the rest of society. How can you build a network of support when you can rarely leave the house?

It is not a matter of simply booking a childminder which requires money in any event or asking Anna from the book club or Nigel from the golf club. These parents probably don't socialise at all and therefore have few friends. Those friends that they do have are probably in a similar position.

I am not having a go at all, but Steff's post about how you can't buy electricity in a shop inadvertently demonstrates very aptly the gulf of understanding here.

'YY, HVs, drs, MWs and schools are the worst for it. 'Surely you have someone who can watch them.' 'Let me just call Dr Who, fucker. Why didn't I think of that first?'

That's not very nice mylove. If someone was on genuine need, why wouldn't you help? Recently we had our water shut off in our area unexpectedly. I live on a very large estate where one half is privately owned, mainly elderly people and the other half are mainly council housing. About 5 people o had never met or seen before knocked on my door offering bottled water as they had plenty and wanted to check everyone had enough in case anyone with small kids pr elderly couldn't get out to get any. How lovely is that?

I can empathise a lot with some of the posters on here lacking in support. When my PFB was a baby i look back now and realise how isolated i was, and how lucky that we never really had any emergencies necessitating leaving her with a random.

I had plenty of friends from pre-kids, but they all worked FT up in the city (London) and didn't live particularly near us anyway, most don't even drive. A barely functioning alcoholic MIL, and my family all live abroad or the other end of the country. Living on the outskirts of London, I have to say I didn't get the HV's etc asking about local support, I think they're pretty used to people who don't live near family or friends in these sorts of commuter belt areas.

At that point in my life, i did literally have nobody that I could ask for help. Neighbours are all elderly or just plain fucking weird, and i have difficulty making friends anyway as I have a strange accent, and a serious bitchy resting face I'm lovely once you get to know me honest

Now that I have two DC, we have a bit more money, and we managed to get to know a few more people locally with kids, life has definitely gotten easier. I still don't get much help in the way of babysitting, but i know at least a couple of people i could call on in the middle of the night in an emergency. We could also afford to get an emergency babysitter/childcarer if we were totally desperate, which we couldn't have stretched to a few years ago.

I agree with PP that some MN's do live on a different planet when it comes to these issues. I can't believe that someone didn;t even know what a PAYG leccy meter is .

I agree with you Mylovegoesdown.

I remember a good number of people telling me that I needed to ask my neighbours to walk my dog when I had to part with it due to changes in my work hours.

I cannot imagine asking my neighbours to keep an eye on DS, much less so asking them to walk my dog everyday for the foreseeable future.

And I also agree with you, I try to be helpful when I can and have given lifts to the supermarket to a neighbour when I was going myself but I cannot imagine being very happy at her ringing me to ask me to take her to the shops if I am not going, emergencies yes, no problem, non urgent stuff, no, I have enough on my plate.

I think mylove just lives in the real world.

If a MN'er posted on AIBU saying ' my neighbour with three kids just knocked on my door asking me to get her some milk from the shop as she's run out and doesn't want to get them all out of bed'. You would get a barrage of responses saying 'cheeky brass necked fucker - tell her to get her own milk! I would never run out of milk if i had three kids in the house, report her to SS for being such a shit mum'.

Of course it would be lovely if we were all super helpful and nice, but not everyone is, and its not helpful to tell someone who lives surrounded by crack dens and asbo types, that they should just 'ask a neighbour - of course they'll want to help', when this is not always the case.

I am laughing at the thought of baking my neighbours cookies and trying to be friends with them when i think of some of the places i have lived.

The neighbours i had when i was rushed to hospital were all single city boy/banker types who were out all day long hours so no chance to get chatting. They also were the ones who had a meeting to get me told to stop drying my toddlers sleepsuits and vests on my balcony as it was bothering them. They hardly seemed the types to be left with a frightened 2 year old with ASD in the middle of the night.

Maybe i'm doing them a disservice and it would turn into an hilarious romp a la 'Three Men and a Baby'. But i somehow doubt it!

To all those saying I may be rude, unhelpful or not very nice....I am actually a very nice and helpful person.

I just don't seem to live in the kind of areas where you do where it's completely normal to knock on a strangers door and ask them to do something for you.

To be completely honest, I wouldn't even open the door to someone I don't recognise if I'm not expecting a parcel or something. I live on my own and given the area that I live in I'd rather ignore it than put myself at risk.

I had a knock on the door a few weeks ago by a uniformed Police officer (so I answered) asking if I had heard/seen anything as my elderly neighbour had had a man with a small child knock at the door with a sob story about needing to call a taxi to hospital as the child was unwell. She let him use the phone and while she was distracted by the small child the man stole several items.

I've also had parcels be delivered to neighbours (without my permission) and the neighbour deny they took them in, including an expensive mobile phone.

Years ago in a previous flat I was a bit less cynical and tried to help people out. I lost a few quid helping people out and a bloody expensive hoover which I lent to a neighbour who had just moved in and said everything was in boxes but the flat was in a terrible state and she'd give it back in a few hours.

She didn't come back, ignored me posting notes through the door and when I eventually bumped into her outside said 'oh it was broken so I threw it away'.

So I keep myself to myself. I don't ask my neighbours for anything and wouldn't respond of they wanted anything.

I've had similar experiences, mylove. I wouldn't leave my hamster with any of these neighbours, much less my kids, one of whom has ASD. I do have a couple of good friends now who can help in emergencies and I do the same for them, but it was a long time coming.

trafargal
Why three days - presumably your OH doesn't work 24 hours a day ?

The minor injuries is only open during office hours. He couldn't get time off at zero notice.

Hey, maybe I should have gone to A&E once my DH was home! Basks in the rosy hot glow of the flaming she would have received on Mumsnet for showing up at A&E "because I can't get daytime childcare at short notice"

We also live in outer space where we don't have shops open for 24 hours. All of our super markets shut at 9 bar one. Who shuts at 11 and that's a small express type shop. So even if you manage to find someone to sit with your child or you wait until your partner comes home, the shop might not even be open in the first place

We live hand to mouth.
I try to bulk buy nappies so we always have spare but if one of my children suddenly had severe diarrhoea and wiped out my store, then obviously I have no spare build up of nappies and have to expose the public to that illness.

Plain terry towelling squares and plain muslin squares with nappy snaps or safety pins can be very useful to have around in case of emergencies and not very expensive - and easier to fold round a child than you'd think -( very versatile as well) - though obviously have to be bought so there has to be some money to do so. Plus we at least have always had at least a washing machine at home.

Oddly the worst neighbours I've ever had were in area where it was hard to get a social network and had fair few parcels go missing as well so - so much so had that thing on post box saying don't leave with neighbours was often ignored though.

Thankfully our current neighbours are lovely though I think they still bulk at out of the blue having to look after any of our children.