Why is it so unbelievable that not everyone has outside help?

[NeedACleverNN]

Not quite TAAT but inspired by one.

I've seen many a thread where the OP desperately needs to go out whether to collect a child from school or to go to the shop.

She can't go because a child is sick or is in bed and the automatic response is always ask a neighbour/friend/family even when it's been made clear in the OP that none of the above are available.

Take me for example.

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric, my two children would be in bed.

Now I would have to possibly leave them for up to 7 mins on their own because:-
My neighbours don't speak English so wouldn't know what to do
My husband is at work and wouldn't be able to get away
I have no friends who could be there at the drop of a hat
Same with family.

Yet nearly every other post would still be "why can't your neighbour just watch them for 10 mins"?

Is it really that hard to believe in this day and and age that not everyone has outside support anymore?

Disclaimer:- I have not run out of electric and I do not need to go to the shop. This was my made up example without having to resort to an example about another thread

Also, not everyone has nice neighbours- on one side I have some vampires as I hardly ever see them, all I know is that they smoke weed and leave their TV too loud. On the other side I have a lovely old lady that couldn't cope with DS with the best will in the world. I'm not sure how I'd manage really, I hope I don't have to find out.

I have support, but if my youngest child were to have say measles not CP then it is a massive ask of my support network to either have my sick child twice a day so I can do the school run with the other kids (or for someone else to do drop off's and pick ups) and to need this for an extended period of time is just unrealistic.

My optons would be to keep my non sick kids off or have my self employed DP off. Again neither a realistic solution if I have a sick child that needs to be kept in for days.

To be honest, unless your child is hooked up to a kidney dialysis machine then what's the point in complaining about it?

Of course you know, as a parent, that if you have a poorly or sleeping child child at home, no immediate support network and a very important and compelling reason to need to leave the house then you just have to take the child with you and get on with it. It's annoying and inconvenient but it's hardly the end of the world.

Venting or asking for advice about it on MN and then deflecting every suggestion made about calling Grandma or asking a neighbour for help is utterly pointless. If you already know there is no practical solution to your problem then you'd be be better served by just dealing with it in the best way you can, instead of making attention seeking 'woe is me' threads on MN about something none of us can help with.

Single parent. No choice but to take DC with me whether ill, sleeping or we simply go without. I have a stash of candles, a couple of cartons of nasty but better than nothing UHT milk for tea.I learned pretty quickly things I needed to keep a supply of away from the day to day stuff for emergencies- pain killers, calpol, milk, tea bags and beans etc

I do wonder sometimes if some couples become overly reliant on each other and some how forget how to crack on alone. Not a dig at any couples I just know how easy it is to slip into the 'single being' aspect of a relationship and when the other half is gone people are a bit lost.

I see it with my siblings. I crack on even if I'm in pain, had 4 hours sleep and DC is having a meltdown. I get one with it.

My sister OTOH just cannot cope. She calls everyone asking for help for the littlest things because she just doesn't know how to do it because her DH has always been around.

What is TAAT?

we also have 4dc - 3 with SN, and no outside help.

we do have friends who could drop stuff to us if needed eg nappies/milk in an emergency - and i would always do the same for them.

where i go they go, i would never ever contemplate leaving them in the house and nipping out even if they are sleeping - fire being my biggest fear.

when we all had d&v bug i put a post on facebook and someone did pop around with milk (for baby) and lucozade and put them on the doorstep for us.

people don't understand though that no there isn't anyone who can just have dc for me, our elderly neighbours can't, GP live away, it's the one down-side of living 30 mins away from the kids school.

TAAT is Thread About A Thread. Allegedly not allowed on Mumsnet but that's a moveable feast.

It's hard for some. I recognise it. I live in the sticks. DH works away. DC1 is disabled and can't be put into any child care.
If we have any problems I'm stuck. I have friends who can help at a push, which has happened recently.
I'm already trying to work out what to do with DC's as I have a relative who isn't long for this world. I have no answers right now. I don't know anyone I can trust in the area, and can't leave DC1 for too long.

Yes, I have been there. Thankfully not such a problem now as my children are older and I have made some good contacts through their school friendships. we help each other out. However, in the early days I felt extremely isolated and had absolutely noone to rely on. A hospital operation meant I had to ask 2 different people I had only met a couple of times each to look after my then 6 month old overnight and during the day. I had to take baby in a sling for my hospital day visits and on the day I was admitted. It was fairly awful, being hooked up to a drip and having a squirming baby to deal with. I was almost having to rely on emergency SS care.

I hated school meetings where it was suggested that younger children not be brought (who to leave them with??).

Emergency dashes to hospital for young child resulting in an hour and a half journey each way, bloodstained clothes, everyone worn out, tired, hungry, people staring at you on public transport because your childs tshirt is covered in blood. I burst out crying as I walked through the door at night with 2 young children by myself. I remember that day and then having to do it all over again very early the next day as they ran out of time to operate. Bus, train, bus just to get there. Awful. I am very glad those days are over now.

School emergency contacts. I think I actually just made them up in the beginning as I really had no-one, didn't know anyone in the area.

It was horrible having very little money and noone to help.

Oh and school trips that leave at silly o clock in the morning and get back at ridiculous o clock at night. Not so bad if you have a car, total pain if you have to rely on public transport/taxis. I have had to take my youngest on the bus after 10pm so as to meet my older son off the bus from a school trip. Get home around 11.30pm. School doesnt think thats a big deal though.

Oh I see. Thanks.

And what about if child vomits in the night - are they still left for 5 mins?

Yeah, I love how it's all like 'ask a neighbour or friend' and 'you must have some help'. Then when it's 'I can't be arsed to give DC's friend a lift to school because it takes me 5 minutes longer' and everyone piles in saying 'what a cheeky fucker- tell her to sort her own transport' and 'just say 'that doesn't work for me' and smile politely'. What if you knocked on your neighbours door asking them to look after your DC and they just smile inanely and robotically say 'sorry, that doesn't work for me' and shut the door in your face? It's odd how some people think.

I do find people on here think everyone lives and thinks like them. I got slated when I had a similar rant about people assuming everyone has standby childcare at the drop off a hat. There's a website with local babysitters but I'm not comfortable leaving my dc with random people I don't know. One lady at church offered to babysit recently but tonight she put up a fb post about how a Christian girl saw the light and realised being a lesbian meant she'd not get into heaven so "changed her ways" - that post, to me, is very offensive and non Christian so not only did I unfriend her but she's not babysitting dc. Maybe I'm too picky but they're dc and I'll happily be over protective.

I have no problem believing people live far from family or close friends, or even that it's difficult to forge relationships with neighbors. (Everyone is busy with work and most prefer screen time in the evenings to actual face-to-face social interaction.)

I do find it odd when parents don't proactively line up child minders and make sure they have a Plan B and Plan C. Whether through an agency, or by occasionally hiring a college student or teen, or through a local church (even if you are not observant) or otherwise have SOME sort of plan for having your children cared for if you need to be elsewhere.

There seems to be reluctance to leave kids with casual baby sitters that has developed in the last 10 or 15 years. When I was age 14 or 15 I minded infants - I mean, like 3-4 months old - and toddlers, as well as school-age children, for hours on end in the evenings if their parents went out to functions or just for dinner and a movie. This was long, long before mobile phone service too. And I'm talking the children of wholesome, churchgoing people, not slugs who just wanted to creep off to a pub with no care for their kids' welfare.

When I was 15 & 16 I had a regular daily gig watching boys age 7 & 9 from when the bus dropped them off to when their single mother came home from work - about 2 hour a day. It was an easy gig for pocket money; nothing bad ever befell the boys.

It seems strange to me that so many parents now are averse to cultivating the teen or college-age minder so they have some recourse.

I often ended up in this position when my three DDs were young.

It always irks me on here that so many just don't seem to understand that not all of us have support on tap at the drop of a hat.

It really can't be that hard to understand, surely.

My school emergency contact used to be sister who lived 460 miles away. They didn't bat an eyelid. The alternative was my elderly mum who was only 50 miles away but didn't drive and a trip would involve 3 transport changes and she uses a wheeled walker...

When we got to know some other parents then it was easier.

And what about if child vomits in the night - are they still left for 5 mins?

More likely all night..

I am a deaf parent so hear nothing.
If my dd who is in a bed doesn't come and get me up or my dh doesn't hear them (ds is still in a cot with a baby monitor) I don't hear anything.

I have occasionally woken up in the morning to find a child has been sick in the night.
It's not ideal but what am i supposed to do?

lilacinn - i babysat too.

i just dont know any teenagers in my sleepy village who are able to care for my 3 dc with complex special & medical needs

i could leave my 1 dd with the 1 teenage boy i know - he feeds our cats when we are away and we trust him with our doorkey etc. but she has no medical needs and would be safe left with anyone.

but our others need specialist care - its just not that simple for lots of people to leave their children - hence the problem!

We live thousands of miles from home, and although I have quite a few people I can ask minor favors of, I don't have anyone I can put down as a reliable emergency contact for DD at school. But we have to register them online each year, and the system doesn't let me only put down me and DH (imagine if I didn't have a DH!) so I make up something.

The stupid thing is, I work at DD's school and any member of staff could take her if necessary (it has happened a couple of times in the last 5 years), but I can't fill in 'anyone I work with' on the computer system.

We were in this position - when I was expecting dd we had to get the DGs to drive an hour to come and mind ds while we had the scan, it was the first time they had ever done this and they were petrified!

Dh and I were so chuffed at the break we even went for a coffee post scan...

We have now moved to their village and it is wonderful having help close by after so many years.

Yes, another one here with no one to call on short notice ! I am a lone parent (not by choice) and no family in the uk. I do have some friends but not anyone I could just call and ask for help.

I pay for help, but obviously that can't be arranged at very short notice. I once had to go to a&e for myself, and had to take dd with me. No one seemed phased by it - it's probably quite common.

I find that school is the worst for this. 'Come to a meeting from 3.15-4.15. No children allowed. Please do not leave children unattended in the playground'. From an organisation which KNOWS that at 3.15 they are going to be releasing children belonging to you into the playground and that afterschool club has a 3 month waiting list (not to mention any younger siblings). Well what the are we supposed to do with them. Pop them in a transporter to dematerialise and go to octogenarian grandparents 200 miles away maybe. Ask the neighbour to take time off in the middle of their working day to pop over to school. Perhaps a random teenager would be able to come out of school an hour early to look after them. Maybe another parent could look after them, oh no wait, they have a meeting. Or maybe they will just have to take their chances in the playground.

Rather than agreeing with each other, perhaps the posters could recognise that their is something missing in their lives, and try to fix it, rather than flame everyone else.
MAKE friends.
talk to your neighbour.
keep in touch with extended family.

It isnt the health visitors job to help you. The nanny state only extends so far and you need to help yourself. I speak as someone who was truly on my own with kids and I learnt to help myself. As long as someone isnt a paedophile, then you can suck it up and be friends long enough to better the lives of your kids . If you cant, then you need to think hard about how you are living.

I'm in this position, DP works over an hour away in a really inflexible job. My mum works abroad, DPs parents are elderly and frail and then there's me. There is no one else.
I hate it when DS school say no toddlers in the audience at plays. I understand why but I have no friends or family. I'm currently pregnant with DC3 and getting appointments and being told no children means I have to cancel them and risk both our health.
I have no one to have them, if they can't be dragged along, I can't go.
I think people find it hard to imagine much beyond the parameters of their norm, for instance I can't imagine a life having that much on call help, any more than they can imagine having none I guess.