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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is it so unbelievable that not everyone has outside help?

207 replies

NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 21:38

Not quite TAAT but inspired by one.

I've seen many a thread where the OP desperately needs to go out whether to collect a child from school or to go to the shop.

She can't go because a child is sick or is in bed and the automatic response is always ask a neighbour/friend/family even when it's been made clear in the OP that none of the above are available.

Take me for example.

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric, my two children would be in bed.

Now I would have to possibly leave them for up to 7 mins on their own because:-
My neighbours don't speak English so wouldn't know what to do
My husband is at work and wouldn't be able to get away
I have no friends who could be there at the drop of a hat
Same with family.

Yet nearly every other post would still be "why can't your neighbour just watch them for 10 mins"?

Is it really that hard to believe in this day and and age that not everyone has outside support anymore?

Disclaimer:- I have not run out of electric and I do not need to go to the shop. This was my made up example without having to resort to an example about another thread

OP posts:

kamchatka23 · 17/06/2016 01:23

I'll be the first to admit I probably am somewhat socially inept and find it hard making these mythical friends that will drop everything going on with their own families to come and help me. You tend to get like that when you have a severely disabled child, and have severe depression and anxiety from being in an abusive relationship.

NarkyKnockers · 17/06/2016 01:27

OK so your dd is sick and comes down to an empty house - and that's ok?

EveryoneElsie · 17/06/2016 01:31

No, you have to take them with you everywhere.

beetroot2 · 17/06/2016 01:41

To run to the corner shop for electric etc. I'd leave my sick or sleeping child in bed. If it was a major emergency then I'd bring with.

LadyAntonella · 17/06/2016 08:34

The thing is, though I don't have any outside help, I make a point of not getting into an avoidable 'emergency' situation (like running out of food or nappies). I a really emergency like me having to go to a&e, I would have to take DD with me. But running out of nappies is totally avoidable. And this is such a TAAT. I was on the old thread and contributed to this one not knowing which thread it was 'inspired' by from the OP. It was the OP who made it into a complete TAAT by specifying a poorly child. And then of course certain posters had to get snide. What the fuck is wrong with some people?

MrsKoala · 17/06/2016 10:24

We found this attitude in RL. I have grown up in London and it's completely normal not to live near family or know your neighbours. But the moment we moved out (MK then Kent) the attitudes were completely different. Especiall from people like drs/MWs/HVs etc.

There was a lot of expectation that our parents a) lived locally and b) were going to be available or even willing to give a lot of support and help. DH worked 50% of the time in America. So i was alone a lot.

2 years ago i was pregnant with ds2. DS1 was not quite 2 and was beginning the diagnosis of ASD. There were so many suggestions of 'leaving ds1 with a neighbour for a couple of hours so i could have a break' . Then when i was 31wks pregnant at 10pm i started gushing blood ( i had placenta praevia) and was rushed into hospital fully expecting ds2 to be brought out by EMC. I had to go alone as we had no one to watch ds1. I was terrified, DH was sobbing when we left. But the ambulance people and all the drs and mw's and nurses kept saying 'can't a neighbour watch ds1' It just wasn't an option, we hadn't even seen our neighbours, even to say hello to (lived in a flat with no garden). There was lots of 'oh where's your husband' comments which just were not helpful for the 10th time to explain, no we had no- one. It made it all so much worse. The shock and disbelief on their faces was really pissing me off!

Eventually DH turned up at 2.45am. My parents had driven 3hrs to be there. My dad had been drinking wine so my mum who rarely drives and had never been on a motorway drove. I am so so grateful. And fortunately the bleeding stopped and ds2 stayed inside for another 6 wks. But I was in hospital all that time and DH had to take lots of time off and so did my mum to watch ds1. This meant no one could help once i came out of hospital with a new baby, c-section recovery and a 2 year old bouncing off the walls. And still the neighbour comments persisted from the HVs and drs. I know they meant well but they really were completely incredulous that we had NO ONE.

Now we have moved and ds1 is in pre-school and i have a few mum friends. I am pregnant again and i know if i called them at 2am they would have the boys. However, my parents have moved to near us so i am hoping i wouldn't ever have to. Another mum is pregnant atm and she has no family locally. She has had some bleeding and a few scares, and i have let her know if she has to rush into hospital at anytime i have my phone next to the bed and i will gladly have her DS.

namechangeparents · 17/06/2016 10:54

Dear MN what's wrong with an offshoot thread and why would you delete it?

It's not offensive in any way. Haven't you got actual offensive threads and comments to be policing?

namechangeparents · 17/06/2016 10:56

I have also struggled with the emergency contact thing at school. I did have a friend who was my emergency contact for my son at primary; I also used the childminder's details. But I haven't got anyone listed at secondary school - if anything happened my mum is 3 hours away.

LadyAntonella · 17/06/2016 10:59

Haven't you got actual offensive threads and comments to be policing?

Well the last thread turned into a complete bun fight which had to be deleted. I can see why MN don't want the conversation to start up again.

BathshebaDarkstone · 17/06/2016 11:03

That was exactly my point on the other thread, OP. When one of the DC's ill, I still have to take the other one to school, buy the ill one lunch as I won't have anything in if I don't expect them to be ill, buy supper and breakfast for tomorrow.

BathshebaDarkstone · 17/06/2016 11:04

*is ill

BathshebaDarkstone · 17/06/2016 11:05

Damn, I was right the first time.

*DC's ill

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 17/06/2016 11:05

Dolly, you've misunderstood my meaning slightly there.

If I had needed (say) someone to come over in the middle of the night to watch one child while the other was taken away in an ambulance, my dad would have. (He'd probably have been grumpy!) but he'd have done it.

I don't think anyone else would.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 17/06/2016 11:13

I wouldn't.

If I had to go to hospital for whatever reason, my children would have to come with me. When my dh is at work he is uncontactable.

He works in a factory who do not allow phones on the floor (not that he has a phone in the first place)

I literally have no one else who could help so my kids would have to come to hospital with me.

No point saying can't you just ask your neighbour because the answer is no. I can't. I don't have a neighbour I am social able with

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 17/06/2016 11:17

OK so your dd is sick and comes down to an empty house - and that's ok

And if that was at me of course it isn't ok. But first of all she wouldn't get up in the first place and second of all it would take me a maximum of 7 mins to go to the shop and back again. Much less distressing than waking her up and dragging a poorly child out the house. Plus never mind ds. You wake him up and it's ww3. He doesn't tolerate being woken up

OP posts:

WankersHacksandThieves · 17/06/2016 11:18

We had a neighbour who's children were a nightmare (no special needs, just horrid and destructive), Mum was a SP. I used to dread her being ill or one of the children being ill and having to be taken to hospital in a hurry and then being asked to watch the other (or both). However, much as a dreaded it, I would have done it because I am not an arsehole. Most people aren't arseholes. But I can appreciate that the way people live now we don't always have family nearby and in some areas it can be difficult to build up a suitable social network, especially of people who live close enough to pop in to your house for a few minutes or are willing to nip over to the shop for you.

I consider myself lucky that I live in a nice street with nice people and that the kids made nice friends with nice parents. However I have had to take DH into hospital in the middle of the night in an emergency and I had to get the toddlers out of bed and into the car. I'd do that over knocking someone's door in the middle of the night I think.

bumbleymummy · 17/06/2016 11:35

We do have family relatively nearby but we live in the middle of nowhere so it would take them a while to get to us. We don't really have 'neighbours' as such either so if something came up in the middle of the night that was really urgent we would probably have to wake the DC. We have to drive to nearest shops etc so I wouldn't risk leaving them in case something happened on the road.

NarkyKnockers · 17/06/2016 11:44

Op why would your child not come to you or call you if they were unwell?

trafalgargal · 17/06/2016 11:52

Stick.... I guess you missed the part where I said my son is autistic. He has never trusted strangers which is why building a network before it was needed was even more important so the support came from people he knew rather than randoms.

I smiled at the post from the poster from London who moved to MK and Kent. The same path of moving I took. Wherever you have family and grew up the support network already exists.....when you move you HAVE to build it or it gets really difficult. I moved when I was really ill and really struggled to get out of the house to build it .......I soon realised life would be even harder if I didn't ....... T is something people don't consider when they move ......and really should.

trafalgargal · 17/06/2016 11:56

As for leaving children alone in the house even for a dash . It can take even fewer minutes for a fire to take hold but even more importantly if you are dashing the potential for an accident and you getting knocked down or in a smash are higher ........and if you are unconscious or worse no one is going to know you LO is alone.

trafalgargal · 17/06/2016 12:06

My Mum was rushed into hospital in the middle of the night . I got my head ripped off the next morning because I didnt call one of the mums I knew but wasn't close friends with to sit with my son and waited til morning to drop son at school before going to the hospital. My explanation that I knew she had work the next morning so hadn't called her got me told off and I was told in no uncertain terms that work would have waited. When I was stuck at a@e a few months later I did call her at 1 am and she collected me without complaint. Many years later we are still best friends.

People often want to help but we can be too daft to ask ! If you ask and they say no you've lost nothing and if they say yes ....problem solved.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 17/06/2016 12:08

Op why would your child not come to you or call you if they were unwell?

I don't know. She never has done. She is only 3 though but she has never opened her bedroom door (which she can do if she wants to), come into my room and told me she's been sick.

It's usually a case I've gone into her room in the morning and she's showed me she's been sick in which case she gets a bath and a bed change

OP posts:

whiteDragon · 17/06/2016 12:14

It's an attitude I've encountered a fair bit with HCP.

The schools have thankfully been pretty good - only one or two meeting over years where I couldn't get anyone to look after the kids.

When DH started working from home I realised I had to have fully stocked - medicine cabinet and make sure there was an emergency fund for taxi if needed to do hospital dash and to make sure cupboards and fridges had stuff in so last minute dashes weren't necessary.

Got a bit easier when eldest could be trusted to do short walk to end of road cross and go to the well stocked corner shop.

Did have help twice from other parents down the street - taking DC into school when I was vomiting and once stopped in street and took kids in when I was having an asthma attack. Unfortunately both families moved out soon afterwards - one in renting and one finally selling her house. Only time every found anyone to help with births we were on our own did after first did HB and were lucky my health was okay to allow.

YANBU

dimots · 17/06/2016 12:22

I have in the past asked neighbours for one-off childcare favours of less than an hour when I've been stuck and been told 'no'. It does put you off asking anyone else. These were people with their own children similar ages to mine.

whiteDragon · 17/06/2016 12:25

dimots - we had two emergency dashes to hospital for different people - I begged nearest family and friends - all were busy.

Family eventually and begrudgingly helped and we were very grateful towards them - made me feel absolutely crap though.

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