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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is it so unbelievable that not everyone has outside help?

207 replies

NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 21:38

Not quite TAAT but inspired by one.

I've seen many a thread where the OP desperately needs to go out whether to collect a child from school or to go to the shop.

She can't go because a child is sick or is in bed and the automatic response is always ask a neighbour/friend/family even when it's been made clear in the OP that none of the above are available.

Take me for example.

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric, my two children would be in bed.

Now I would have to possibly leave them for up to 7 mins on their own because:-
My neighbours don't speak English so wouldn't know what to do
My husband is at work and wouldn't be able to get away
I have no friends who could be there at the drop of a hat
Same with family.

Yet nearly every other post would still be "why can't your neighbour just watch them for 10 mins"?

Is it really that hard to believe in this day and and age that not everyone has outside support anymore?

Disclaimer:- I have not run out of electric and I do not need to go to the shop. This was my made up example without having to resort to an example about another thread

OP posts:
PlymouthMaid1 · 16/06/2016 23:45

My girls are grown up now but when they were babies until they were teens I had no help most of the time as oh worked abroad and family were 300 miles away. Neighbours no use as they rented and changed every six months. Totally get how hard it is for emergencies and short time care and how paid care is.

Can somebody p!ease explain what TAAT means as I have never worked it out?

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 16/06/2016 23:47

I have to disagree confusion

Obviously you try, but realistically most people prioritise their own families above someone else's.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 16/06/2016 23:48

Thread about a thread Plymouth x

DollyBarton · 16/06/2016 23:50

Plymouth it's Thread About A Thread.

I guess it helps that I'm confident to ask a stranger or semi stranger for help and feel comfortable dealing with people. But I've had help and support all my life so am conditioned to feel it's fine to inconvenience someone in an emergency. Other people have had tougher starts than me and may not feel comfortable doing that.

PlymouthMaid1 · 16/06/2016 23:50

Thank you Kate. Feel daft now as I have been pondering that for days doh!

Lauranne · 16/06/2016 23:51

If I couldn't get to the shops for various reasons I'd ring a taxi firm to do it, they've done it in several occasions and it's nothing new to them and I wasn't the first to ask.
It's more the all day hospital appointments for myself that require leaving my children, one of which has complex needs which is profoundly more difficult. It depends where you live as well if you can make small talk with the neighbours. One of my neighbours is a Chinese takeaway the other a kebab house.
I live on a busy main road. I guess I could beg the staff at DS school as they all have been trained in his specialist care. But I couldn't just ask a random.

PlymouthMaid1 · 16/06/2016 23:51

And Dolly

DollyBarton · 16/06/2016 23:52

Kate I would prioritise a strangers family over mine if they seemed like they needed help and it wouldn't leave me in an emergency situation!

lavenderhoney · 16/06/2016 23:57

I don't have anyone. DC df lives abroad as do his family with no English or interest and mine are all passed away. i don't have a home town because I've always pre DC traveled and lived abroad.

I did a risk assesment for our needs, and have people in place. Neighbours, scho mum friends, friends, child minders I might never use. The headmistress is one of them. My dd has been blue lighted to hospital in the middle of the night and I have a back up. This includes our pets ( puppy etc)

It's crazy to pretend nothing bad will happen. Hopefully it won't, but me and DC have a plan:)

bostonkremekrazy · 16/06/2016 23:59

confusionis - you still dont understand, some of us could not 'ask the elderly lady down the road' to manage our children's complex medical needs.

an untrained person could not look after my children - emergency or not. dh and I are it. apart from their (special) schools, we are the only people to have them - 24/7.

some of our children could not cope with a stranger in the house due to their additional needs - trauma, emotional needs etc.

please stop trying to solve the problem.....just realise that for some parents outside help is not possible.

confusionis · 17/06/2016 00:00

My neighbours who had a son in ds1's class, took him to school for years and years because they saw how it was a struggle for me to get him there in time with a new baby.
I've picked up kids from school, going back and doing a 4pm run to help make a random mom from schools life slightly easier. I've had friend drop her child off at 645 am because she had to get to work and there was no breakfast club at school. It didnt inconvenience me massively yet helped others. But I've recieved that help also.
No person is an island, and you need to make it happen for you. I grew up in a country thousands of miles away from any family. My parents literally had no one, didnt speak the language and unless neighbours also spoke english, were stuffed. But, they 'made' an extended family network of friends. . It just requires work.

confusionis · 17/06/2016 00:04

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UmbongoUnchained · 17/06/2016 00:15

I'm sure most of us have plenty of friends, just they have their own lives too...

bostonkremekrazy · 17/06/2016 00:18

confusionis - did you actually read that my children have complex medical issues and cannot be left with an untrained person even in an emergency?

i never said my children cant accept people - i was giving examples of why some people may not be able to have strangers in their house. previous trauma, autism etc

you are so busy trying to fix this problem, you didn't bother to read the post properly. like the other miss-fix-its in the world so quick to say meet the neighbours, share with the school mums, create a network etc you are not hearing me -

LISTEN - NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE OUTSIDE HELP!!!!

trafalgargal · 17/06/2016 00:32

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ExtraHotLatteToGo · 17/06/2016 00:42

confusionis. What the actual fuck is it about COMPLEX MEDICAL NEEDS that you are unable to grasp? Jesus wept. LISTEN to what Boston is telling you instead of just talking down to her.

You thought it was difficult gettng out the house to do the school run with a baby. You're really in NO position to judge Boston.

schoolbakesale · 17/06/2016 00:42

I have nobody and will confess when it was pouring with rain I did leave 3 year old sleeping while I ran to the shop (opposite ours) for electric

I wasn't any longer than it takes me to put the bins out though

What annoyed me is a neighbour leaving her kid on the balcony awake!!! (Alone) so she could see him while she bought fags. I told her that day to call me if she needed him left for any length and not to ever do that or I'd report her as he could have climbed and fallen... To my knowledge it didn't happen again

SmellyTelly · 17/06/2016 00:45

People do this in real life as well it is annoying. I needed holes behind my fridge filled in due to speculation ants were coming from there, when I asked my Housing association if the contractors can help me move it their reply was 'they cant help you move it you will need to get a family member or friend to help you"

don't you think if i had this option I wouldn't be asking if the contractors could help me move it in the first place

ouryve · 17/06/2016 00:53

steff nice for you to be in such a privileged position as to not ned to go to pthe post office (if you have one) to put a tenner on the leccy. 20 years ago you'd have had a jar of 50s to put in the slot.

I have 2 kids with SN who can't just be babysat by anyone. They're 10 and 12 but neither can be left alone, due to their SN. They most definitely can't be left together. Have had to say only DH can go to his DSis's wedding because it's a non school day and there's no way we can do something like drag my ageing parents 100 miles up to look after both of them.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 17/06/2016 00:56

boston my 10yo still regards my mum with extreme suspicion. It's not as easy as you make it all out to be for some of us.

sailawaywithme · 17/06/2016 00:59

I think sometimes it's not so much "I can't believe you don't have a support network" as much as "you have children and therefore a responsibility to build a support network." No man is an island, it takes a village, etc. It's not easy, but I can't imagine how difficult my life would be as a parent if I hadn't worked really hard to build a network. FTR I live overseas and knew no-one when I arrived. Bloody hard work, I do remember that.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 17/06/2016 01:00

And sorry, boston - realise that it;s confusion who was being an arse.

And trafalga.

And I'm sure there will be an influx of other posters, too, who can't comprehend the idea of a child with issues that make them distrustful of anyone but those on a very short shortlist.

EveryoneElsie · 17/06/2016 01:00

YANBU, and its just as bad when people come back at you with 'well I/our grandmothers managed so why cant you?'

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 17/06/2016 01:01

As i said...

EveryoneElsie · 17/06/2016 01:21

Its very sad that people find this situation difficult to believe.

Women leaving a shelter for example may be given a place in the cheapest area. They dont have much spare cash, and some places are not nice and friendly, they are fucking hostile and dog eat dog.
Or someone who is recently divorced may have to move where they can afford to live.
Moving to a new place is not always a case of plastering on a smile and taking a home baked cake round to the neighbors. It really isnt.