Why is it so unbelievable that not everyone has outside help?

[NeedACleverNN]

Not quite TAAT but inspired by one.

I've seen many a thread where the OP desperately needs to go out whether to collect a child from school or to go to the shop.

She can't go because a child is sick or is in bed and the automatic response is always ask a neighbour/friend/family even when it's been made clear in the OP that none of the above are available.

Take me for example.

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric, my two children would be in bed.

Now I would have to possibly leave them for up to 7 mins on their own because:-
My neighbours don't speak English so wouldn't know what to do
My husband is at work and wouldn't be able to get away
I have no friends who could be there at the drop of a hat
Same with family.

Yet nearly every other post would still be "why can't your neighbour just watch them for 10 mins"?

Is it really that hard to believe in this day and and age that not everyone has outside support anymore?

Disclaimer:- I have not run out of electric and I do not need to go to the shop. This was my made up example without having to resort to an example about another thread

Not sure if this is helpful, but I used to find myself in the same situation with electricty running out in the middle of the evening when my daughter was asleep.

So i switched to British gas for electricity. They post you out a little usb port thingy that you plug your top up key into and then you can buy electricity immediately online with your bank card, in much the same way as the shops do it with the PayPoint. Great thing for single parents on pay as you go electric to have. Wish I'd know about it sooner. (i don't work for them, honest!)

www.britishgas.co.uk/youraccount/discover/home-energy-top-up-service.html

Ok that's quite strange but there's always a first time. We'll have to agree to differ. I get having no support as I'm in the same situation but no way would I leave a 3yo in bed at night and go out for even 7 minutes.

It's not easy, but I can't imagine how difficult my life would be as a parent if I hadn't worked really hard to build a network

Had one and had to move away and the next place was really hard as it was an area most people had family or people they know all their lives to call on very hard to break into that. Every time I did people eventually move away or went back to work so could never help out.

I could be doing better in our new place - but children school is some distance away we past two closer schools which didn't have any places do don't meet nearby parents - and the attempts I have made so far seem to be me doing all the heavy lifting so I'm getting wary especially as DH is now around and IL have retired and though some distance could help out now with enough notice. Plus children are older and can see time when they won't need childcare and can be left a bit more.

It's very difficult.

I'm a carerer to my eldest and have a toddler.

Ex-P has made it clear that he's 'not my support network'

On principle I have a couple of friends who will not help if ExP is available because he's youngest's father. Rest of friends live a good 30 minutes away.

I have no family.

It's shit.

I get having no support as I'm in the same situation but no way would I leave a 3yo in bed at night and go out for even 7 minutes.

I wouldn't either - in fact never found a situation when it was necessary things either wait or you get them up and take them with you - partly why hung onto pushchairs fr longer than other parents - that and no car.

If you now you don't have help you need to prepare in advance for emergency situations, check lecki meter regularly , have spare nappies wipes tin of formula etc in a cupboard, same with a loaf in the freezer a few extra tins etc.

I have to say, I'm surprised by some answers, along the lines of 'well you are just the architect of your misery'.....

Making friends can be a tricky business and depends ALOT on where you you live, how introvert/extrovert/shy/naturally expansive you are.
If, for example, y have PND when yours dcs are little and you know no one whe you live, it will be a really uphill struggle to make 'friends'.
If you are working full time, never drop or pick up the dcs at the school gates, making friends with 'school mums' will be impossible etc etc.

Where I live, most people have been born and bred there. They ahve family around, friends from when they were at primary school. They don't need help from anyone that they don't already have. So the incentive of 'oh I'll make friends with Plato so that I'm not as isolated' isn't going to happen.
Children and childcare issue no withstanding, I have known people where I live that had made NO friend at all in 10 years of living in that town. Not because they didn't try. Not because they aren't nice people (as shown by the number of friends they have outside of said town) but because people there just aren't 'friendly' in that way. And we are not talking about asking anyone of helping in what are always difficult situations (be in the night, with a child that has a contagious illness they don't want to get or pass on to their own dcs etc etc)

What does TAAT mean ? 😕

But I have to say, where are the fathers support network??? Don't they need some help too to look after a child that is ill when they nip to the shops? Don't they ever need emergency pick up at school?
Do they work hard at creating that network of people that would potentially be able to look after their kids?

Why is it always the women role to do all that?

Rant over.

Thread About A Thread

TAAT: Thread About A thread

My sister lives in a London borough popular with families. She has made a number of friends with whom she swaps child-care favours. The common theme seems to be that all the other families were not from the area originally. So they are keen to enter into such arrangements as it benefits them as well. I think many places in London have a lot of incomers, so people want to make friends.
I live in a village where most people have family living nearby, so the same need isn't there for most people. And I worked full-time when the children were in infant school. I struggle to find anyone who would help out - and my kids are NT and school age, so not too difficult to look after.

The common theme seems to be that all the other families were not from the area originally.

First place we lived with children was like that - baby sitting circles and helping each other as none of us had family nearby.

Bit of a shock to end up in opposite type of location and so much harder as a result.

I think there is a world of difference between finding someone to nip out for nappies and a few groceries and finding a birthing partner ........some people are looking for rather a lot 😀

if you have no-one you have to have contingency plans and try and get stuff in in advance. of course it can all go tits up, but hey that is what emergency foster care is for.

Plato .....because rightly or wrongly there is a perception that another mother is less likely to have an agenda for abusing a child than another father so a man asking for help or trying to build a child friendly network is likely to find it harder than a woman in most situations (not impossible just harder)

the people asking what TAAT means should RTFT as it has been explained a few times!

Anyway, I had to send my DH to A&E at 4am by himself as I needed to stay with the children.

I have been to A&E myself with the 1 week old in the sling as DH had to stay with with DC1 who was sleeping

And no, we don't have anyone in, and that is why I make sure I always have cans in the cupboard and pasta and rice and stuff like that

We have nobody either, family is a 3 hour drive away, the neighbours on the left are rarely home, ( it's just a single guy who I assume must work away for part of the week as we only see him once or twice a week) and the neighbours on the right are students who change every September.

We have a cash box in the living room for times when DH is at work and I need to be somewhere, I'm pregnant and have had to go in twice to hospital - the first time I had to take DS and the other time was late at night so taxi it was. We're used to having to take him everywhere, we just see it as it is what it is.

Yeah I don't have key meters or anything it was the only thing I could think of without it becoming a TAAT.

But if j had a sick child and i HAD to go to the shop to get things like nappies every suggestion on mn is always along the lines of leave them with neighbour/friends/families.

Call a taxi and see if they will go to the shop for you?

Or even why don't you have an emergency stash of nappies somewhere?

It's not always possible.
We live hand to mouth.
I try to bulk buy nappies so we always have spare but if one of my children suddenly had severe diarrhoea and wiped out my store, then obviously I have no spare build up of nappies and have to expose the public to that illness. Yes it is selisfh, especially when there are immunocomproised people out there but there are desperate times when you don't have a choice!

A lot can happen in seven minutes (as other posts have recognised). I would never leave my three year old alone for that amount of time. She's a good sleeper but what if she woke up, scared and there was nobody in the house? She'd be absolutely terrified.

I appreciate the difficulty of having a limited/non-existent network (mine is limited to the daytime and there's no OH to help) but if it's a REAL emergency then you take the sleeping child with you.

I aree OP, I would never leave my baby with my neighbours (the ones that are in) the rest work the same sort of hours as my husband (though i still wouldn't leave my child with them, i dont know any of them, and DONT anyone tell me i should get to know them, i don't want to!).
Parents are an hour away and work, in-laws 3 hours away and work, friends all work.