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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is it so unbelievable that not everyone has outside help?

207 replies

NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 21:38

Not quite TAAT but inspired by one.

I've seen many a thread where the OP desperately needs to go out whether to collect a child from school or to go to the shop.

She can't go because a child is sick or is in bed and the automatic response is always ask a neighbour/friend/family even when it's been made clear in the OP that none of the above are available.

Take me for example.

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric, my two children would be in bed.

Now I would have to possibly leave them for up to 7 mins on their own because:-
My neighbours don't speak English so wouldn't know what to do
My husband is at work and wouldn't be able to get away
I have no friends who could be there at the drop of a hat
Same with family.

Yet nearly every other post would still be "why can't your neighbour just watch them for 10 mins"?

Is it really that hard to believe in this day and and age that not everyone has outside support anymore?

Disclaimer:- I have not run out of electric and I do not need to go to the shop. This was my made up example without having to resort to an example about another thread

OP posts:
Mycatsabastard · 16/06/2016 23:23

I lived on my own with no family nearby (closest were 500 miles away) for over 20 years. I had two dc 7 years apart.

I had to build up a network of friends. I chatted to people at school, my neighbours, I joined the school groups on facebook. I think you have to make an effort to find a support network, it doesn't happen without effort on your part.

I have done school runs, picked up sick kids for parents who were at work, I've taken kids to activities and I've babysat in emergencies. In return I've had people do the school run for me, look after my kids, do the activities run etc.

You need to offer help to others and then ask for help when it's needed.

It's all very well saying you have no support but unless you go looking for it, you'll never find any.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I suffer from dreadful anxiety and have a disability but it's essential for me to have a network of people who I can call on in an emergency. I'm now within a couple of miles of my family but I rarely call them, I rely on friends and neighbours but likewise, they rely on us and it's something that has built up over the years.

confusionis · 16/06/2016 23:24

Also, try being the someone that others can call on for help occasionally, and maybe, just maybe, they might help you out when you need it too.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 23:25

No one is flaming each other but venting frustration
There is only so much you can do

I tried with my neighbour but the language barrier meant we got no where.

Friends have have their own babies and family to worry about. I am not even on their radar

My family have proven over the last few days when I have desperately needed them that I would have gotten more help from a a hobo on a corner...

It isn't always as easy as talk to them

OP posts:
steff13 · 16/06/2016 23:25

If I had to suddenly go to the shop for emergency electric.

Please explain this. You can't buy electricity in a jar at the store like peanut butter.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 23:28

It was an example steff and yes you can Hmm

You take your key fob, you say you want £10 on it, you come home and plug it in and voila electric

OP posts:
confusionis · 16/06/2016 23:28

No you dont Lauranne. What you can do, is try to find a solution. That means some hard work. Some socialising with people you wouldnt normally be friends with, but who arent hideous paedophiles.
NO ONE, Not anyone is alone unless they choose to be. Its just a matter of actually trying trying and trying somemore until you have a network of real life friends/casual aquaintances that all help each other out.

TrinityForce · 16/06/2016 23:29

some people are on an electric meter, and thus need to go to a shop to 'top up' their electric card to put money on the meter.

DollyBarton · 16/06/2016 23:30

I wonder if people are too vautious about leaving a neighbour or only slightly known other mum in charge of kids, even in an emergency these days. I don't know the elderly couple next door at all other than a short conversation and hearing them mentioned by other neighbours but if I had a real emergency yes, I would ask them. It's a calculated risk but I think as a parent there are moments where you need to rely on strangers (your doc being one of those strangers but somehow that's acceptable to all parents).

steff13 · 16/06/2016 23:30

You take your key fob, you say you want £10 on it, you come home and plug it in and voila electric.

Yeah, I still have no idea what this means. Never mind.

confusionis · 16/06/2016 23:31

NN, I didnt say it was easy. But for the sake of your kids, you have to try until you succeed
Family isnt just parents and siblings. Its what you make

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 16/06/2016 23:31

She's just explained to you, steff Hmm

steff13 · 16/06/2016 23:31

some people are on an electric meter, and thus need to go to a shop to 'top up' their electric card to put money on the meter.

Oh. Ok. I have a meter, but I just get a bill at the end of the month for what I used. I've never heard of "topping up."

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 16/06/2016 23:32

And you can't always succeed.

DollyBarton · 16/06/2016 23:32

I think if I had kids and no support network, I'd be baking cookies for the neighbours and making an effort to get to know them in order to find one or two I could add to my world.

steff13 · 16/06/2016 23:32

That was a cross-post, katemiddleton, obviously. Hmm

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 23:33

Sorry steff

Basically some people have a meter which you need to top up like a mobile phone. You have a plastic key that you plug into your meter. When your electric gets low, you take your key to the shop and you get a top up. You then plug this into your meter and you have electricity again

OP posts:
Lauranne · 16/06/2016 23:33

That's all very well confusionis but there are not people lining up to look after almost 12 year olds with complex needs.
They can't be left with just anyone.
I have tried. I've tried bloody hard. When you're a carer it's very rare there's back up for you, and it's common knowledge your health suffers. Sometimes that is just how it is. It's not through lack of trying.

TrinityForce · 16/06/2016 23:34

yes some have a pay-as-you-go type system, rather than a monthly usage bill one

steff13 · 16/06/2016 23:34

It makes sense to me now. I don't think we have that here, at least not that I've heard of.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/06/2016 23:35

We're expats and land in new places every so often. I did have to leave the DC with the only neighbour we 'know' when I was admitted to hospital. It took so long to be admitted they had to sleep over with them, we didn't know them very well, and still don't really. We would have been stuffed without them. I now a few more friends I could call on, yes they have their own DC, but are willing to help as they are in similar situations.

We always used to muddle through ourselves, and didn't like to ask for help, but events over the past couple of years made us realise, actually people will help you out, they just need to know that you need it.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 23:36

I never used to but I've had a meter on two properties.
It's a pain in the ass cos you have to keep an eye on how much you have at a time.
It's not just electric. You can have gas and water on a meter too

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 16/06/2016 23:37

And that school meeting situation, we've taken the DC and had them sit in the corridor with an electronic device. too bad if the school doesn't like it, you do what you have to.

confusionis · 16/06/2016 23:40

Dolly, totally agree. years ago, I was at home with a high temperature, 2 babies to look after. DS1 was aged 6 at the time and the neighbours down the road, who had a kid in his class brought him back from school for me. I was so ill, i was waiting for him to come back and feed us, which he did with some pringles. All day I had called fuckwith dh to ask hismother to come help me, but apparently she was busy and his work was so important that he left a wife with a 42 degree temperature, alone a t home with a 10 month old and a 28 month old.

At 5pm, all four of us were in the living room crying. I took a deep breath, behaved like an adult, and sent my 6 year old to cross the road and ring the elderly lady who lived there, and tell her that mommy needed help .
You know what? she came. She brought chicken soup from her freezer, ran me a bath , changed my bed sheets. gave the kids some toast and milk. and generally rescued me. She didnt say no. I barely knew the lady. But, she had previously had her own kids and new how hard parenting is when you are alone.

That is just one example of how I worked, and built up my network of support and later, helped others. What goes around, come around.

sycamore54321 · 16/06/2016 23:42

There is also a difference in the type of help sought. Ok, leaving your child with someone requires a certain level of judgement and trust but that same standard simply does not apply to the 'need something from the shops but child sick in bed' situation. In that case, if you are in a real pinch, you contact or approach someone who looks vaguely reliable and simply ask for them to pick you up milk when thy can. If they say no, try someone else. You stay with the children and take your chances on the neighbour/passerby/person from your local Facebook page not absconding with your tenner. Or you arrange delivery via a taxi service or a local shop or whatever if you can afford the extra cost. So yes, I can well believe not having support for childcare but other lesser types of support are indeed accessible if people reach out and ask. If you refuse to even try for that, then yes indeed you are in a difficult situation but a part of it is of your own making.

I know this doesn't resolve hospital visits etc but it suits for plenty of the situations mentioned already (and the missing thread).

confusionis · 16/06/2016 23:45

katemiddleton, you try until you succeed, because your kids well being is worth it. If you havent succeeded yet, then think about how you are doing things and change them so that you do find success. You need to do what it takes to bring up kids.
I dont know about the 12 year old with complex needs situation, except, that you need the support network even more than with toddlers.

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