To fall out with OH over questions?!

[Georgeofthejungle]

My OH and I had what I would say is our first proper arguement. He was off with me, I asked him what was up and he told me he doesn't like how I speak to him sometimes. He says I snap at him when he asks me stuff and make comments which make him feel a bit rubbish.
Now I totally know I do this (well not the comments bit, I don't like that), but I can see me doing this and understand why I feels like that. But the reason is because I am so fed up of him asking me things before he has even remotely thought about the answer for himself. It drives me crazy.

For example:
After our darling little dog decided to wee on the floor - where's the floor cleaner? It's always in the same place and he knows this. I said where do you think it could be and he tells me where it is. So why ask me?!

Changing our DS - has he got clothes? You know full well he does and you know where they are kept.

Making tea - how do I cook this/how long does this take? Read the bloody packaging.

These are a tiny few examples of the automatic questions I get constantly (I should note these are not my actual responses but what I'm screaming in my head(. Now I 100% wouldn't have any objection if he had taken a second to think and genuinely didn't know but this is simple stuff that he could quite easily use his own brain to work out. I explained this to him and also explained that when he is helping out with DS or Making dinner it's so great but with the constant questions I feel like I be aswell have done it myself! And it doesn't give me a chance to switch off. He says I'm weird and that that's how people communicate and he doesn't understand why I get so annoyed. I said how will he learn if he keeps asking me, how does he think i know these things or find out when he asks me?! Then he stomped off to the shower and we've not spoken since (this was about 10.30 last night).

Am I right to be so frustrated by it? I feel bad to make him feel rubbish but It really does drive me crazy. If he just thought about things for a split second he'd know the answer to most of the questions he asks me! Arghhhh.

YANBU - I could have written this. My DP is exactly the same and it drives me mental.

Yesterday he was off work and txt me to ask where the hoover was. It was under the stairs where it belongs.........

He also asks me every morning where DS school uniform is regardless of him getting it EVERY day and it being in the same drawer EVERY time after I wash it and put it away.

Mamia I'm very sorry but it's not sexist it's simply a fact that men, for whatever reason, on the whole do not get things done as efficiently at home. If you have an exception living with you then that's great. My OH is a wonderful human being but he has never once had the initiative to clean the bathroom or make sure we have enough bin bags. It's not sexist, it's a fact.

*Male brain my arse. He thinks he's too important for it all.

My DH can dress/bath/feed/play with our children, run the house and manage the admin. If I had to hold his hand through it I'd have left the bugger. We've all got enough to do without becoming the manager in our own homes.*

This.

My male partner does not act like this either, by the way.

Cornberry what you have said there is the very definition of sexism

My OH started doing this when our daughter was born. Eg 'does she need a nappy change?' 'does she need a coat?' It started to drive me up the wall but it's because I am doing most of the looking after so all baby related activities deemed my responsibility. I got stroppy about it for a while then started saying 'i don't know, does she?' He now does it less and takes more responsibility. I also agree with a PP that you need to hand over some responsibility eg if DD is in an outfit I wouldn't choose I don't say anything now, she's dressed and that's all that matters. Fascinating discussion as my mum is very much in project manager role at home and I want to avoid this for me and DD. It's not an inherently male thing,it's just a part of our culture. And it can and should be challenged.

Oh my God, I hate that too. I'm not exaggerating when I say it was a contributing factor in my split with DH.

He'd go to the supermarket to buy food, with the list I'd given him - to avoid a 20 minute discussion of 'do we need bread?' 'I don't know, look in the bread bin.' 'Do we need milk?' 'I don't know, look in the fridge.'

Then he'd get to the shop and within minutes I'd get the first phone call, 'I'm looking at the crisps (cue the sound of crisp packet rustling in my ears as proof), what flavour do you want?' 'What does it say on the list?' 'It says salt and vinegar.' 'Salt and vinegar please.' 'How many bags?' 'However many you feel like buying, dearest.' 'Are you being arsey with me?'

And repeat for every other item on the list.

And he definitely had no self esteem issues or low confidence. He strode through life with absolute assurance that every human being around him was there to assist or cheer him on. He was just a lazy twat with anything domestic, because he saw it as my department.

I just feign ignorance so he works it out himself. I've been doing this for two or three months now and I have to say it's worked a treat with no snapping required:

DP "How long do I put this in the oven for?"
Me: "I don't know lovely...take a look at the packet and it will tell you"

Cornberry! If you left your DH and he was living alone, he would learn very very quickly to clean his bathroom and make sure he had enough binbags. That's a fact.

But as it is he doesn't have to, because it's all delegated it all to the woman he's living with. Not sexist at all, nope...

Mamia I'm very sorry but it's not sexist it's simply a fact that men, for whatever reason, on the whole do not get things done as efficiently at home. If you have an exception living with you then that's great. My OH is a wonderful human being but he has never once had the initiative to clean the bathroom or make sure we have enough bin bags. It's not sexist, it's a fact.

It can be a fact AND be sexist. It happens because the sexist messages we all get from birth tell women the buck stops with them at home and tell men they can shove all that responsibility onto women. Lots of men don't take the initiative because they know if they leave it long enough the woman will do it. If they don't behave like that at work (and generally they don't) then it's not because they can't help it. It's because they lack respect for women and their time and use strategic helplessness to send the message that they shouldn't be expected to know this stuff.

My standard responses are...
To a question about the kids;
"I'm not sure ask one if their parents".

To repeated questions;
"I refer you my my previous answer".

Also, I say "stop asking me pointless questions please".

I can't tolerate it.

Last night my capable, intelligent DH who dries up several times a week (I am a SAHM, I do all cooking and most of any other household tasks), looked at the dishes on the drainer and asked "are these for drying?" !!
I still cannot think of a response that doesn't sound snippy and saracastic, words failed me and I left the room. He dried the dishes then left them all over the fucking kitchen as usual because having done the job of drying them he can't possibly put them away--

It's hard to stay pleasant though after years of it.

I blame myself partly as I am a micromanager of everything around me and probably get the arse if things are not done my way, plus I hate asking for help. Those around me probably feel it is easier and safer to let me get on with stuff.

Like DDs exams, I had her timetable on my outlook calendar and was fully aware of when and how long her exams were. DH hadn't a clue but didn't need to did he?

My DH will be delighted to hear he's an 'exception' - but he's not, he's just a normal man who happens to realise that my time is just as valuable as his. I don't agree that men are incapable of getting household tasks done as efficiently as women. I believe we all have different strengths and weaknesses as people - for instance my husband is a much better cook than me so is responsible for cooking and I'm a much better 'organiser' than him so do the household accounts etc.

My dh does this does my head in. He even asks how to do toast, it's just to get me to do it. 'Where are the nappies?' Same bloody place they always be just so I get up and hand him one.
He acts so stupid yet he can wire a house fix any machine handed to him .
Glad I'm not on my own

One of my DH's annoying ones was when we were deciding what to have for dinner he used to insist on me getting up and looking in the freezer.

We had a row about it one day. i dont NEED to look in the Freezer, i did the shopping, i KNOW what's in there!

And the 'is this done enough for you?' or 'taste this'

I also HATE and DESPISE the answer of 'whatever' to 'what do you want for dinner?' I started answering 'I can't cook whatever'

He's also a huffy puffy 'looker' for things, so i end up asking him what he's looking for, he gives off the vibe of expecting you to help him look! And its NEVER his fault if its not where it should be.

I just wrote a big response and a bloody pop up made it disappear not impressed!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2660546-Mumsnet-mobile-keeps-diverting-to-advert Can you post on here? HQ are ignoring it fr some reason

My dh often asks for directions to places he's driven to many times before

He knows perfectly well how to get there, he just does it to be helpless.

I've been moaned at for snapping but after years of 'where's my bank card?', 'how do you cook chicken?' and him standing stock still in the middle of a room, gazing vacantly around instead of actually moving things and searching properly I don't always have the patience to answer politely. It drives me up the fucking wall.

Thanks for all your replies! It's good to know I'm not alone .

We had a chat about it tonight. I think I got my point accross... We will see how it goes. He says he mainly does it for reassurance. Bless Our DS is only 3 months old, maybe I am being harsh in that department..

I posted on there Ladystark. Hopefully they get it resolved and haven't sold out to games companies.. Is that how it works?

And thanks to whoever posted the LTB comment - it made me LOL and realise it's not that big a deal in the shame of things. he genuinely is a good man and pulls his weight. We are both very lucky (him more than me of course 😜).

The scheme of things*!

My DP is also aparently incapable of looking for things properly...thing is missing (usually car keys which we have a sodding hook for that he never sodding uses!), cue cursory glance around room and "I can't find thing". Just sodding pick up some cushions or whatever and look underneath stuff for goodness sake!

In work there is a married couple that do early/late finishes in order to sort kids. Invariably when it is the husband's turn to do school run and activities he asks wife "what are we doing tonight" and every tjmes I just want to scream at him "why is it her bloody job to remember!?". Also at her for enabling his manchildishness.

My DP does this too.
Not only about domestic stuff but about his work.

DP: I need to be at Gatwick by blah blah O'clock. what time do I need to leave the house?
Me: No idea, I haven't flown since 2010.
Every fucking time he flies (about 4x year) I get the same question. I answer the same way.

Being sarcastic never worked, he'd just huff and puff and moan at me for not being nice.

He can't make a decision about anything. He needs a Mother.

The worst is, 'I haven't eaten all day. What can I eat?'
Or, 'I won't get any lunch today. '
Opens fridge. looks in fridge, ''I'm starving'
Me: Silence

I ignore the stupid questions. I just pretend I haven't heard them.

PS, father's don't 'help out'. They are being fathers.

LadyReuleaux @ 15:48:26

Yes yes yes!!!

Strategic helplessness. Sums it up beautifully. Should be in the OED.