To fall out with OH over questions?!

[Georgeofthejungle]

My OH and I had what I would say is our first proper arguement. He was off with me, I asked him what was up and he told me he doesn't like how I speak to him sometimes. He says I snap at him when he asks me stuff and make comments which make him feel a bit rubbish.
Now I totally know I do this (well not the comments bit, I don't like that), but I can see me doing this and understand why I feels like that. But the reason is because I am so fed up of him asking me things before he has even remotely thought about the answer for himself. It drives me crazy.

For example:
After our darling little dog decided to wee on the floor - where's the floor cleaner? It's always in the same place and he knows this. I said where do you think it could be and he tells me where it is. So why ask me?!

Changing our DS - has he got clothes? You know full well he does and you know where they are kept.

Making tea - how do I cook this/how long does this take? Read the bloody packaging.

These are a tiny few examples of the automatic questions I get constantly (I should note these are not my actual responses but what I'm screaming in my head(. Now I 100% wouldn't have any objection if he had taken a second to think and genuinely didn't know but this is simple stuff that he could quite easily use his own brain to work out. I explained this to him and also explained that when he is helping out with DS or Making dinner it's so great but with the constant questions I feel like I be aswell have done it myself! And it doesn't give me a chance to switch off. He says I'm weird and that that's how people communicate and he doesn't understand why I get so annoyed. I said how will he learn if he keeps asking me, how does he think i know these things or find out when he asks me?! Then he stomped off to the shower and we've not spoken since (this was about 10.30 last night).

Am I right to be so frustrated by it? I feel bad to make him feel rubbish but It really does drive me crazy. If he just thought about things for a split second he'd know the answer to most of the questions he asks me! Arghhhh.

[Cornberry]

I know how you feel. My OH is super kind and wonderful but he's still a man and he still relies on me to run everything, so if he ever has to "manage" something like dinner rather than have me oversee it he is so hopeless. It's hard not to become impatient with having to explain simple things. But sometimes I have to recognise I'm being quite short with him. They're only men, in their defence.

[RebeccaWithTheGoodHair]

It's endemic! My DH also, and myself driven insane also.

The only thing I would say is that's it's an excuse to say it's because you speak down to him and make him feel like he doesn't know how to do it. It's because he doesn't care enough to learn how to do it and relies on you to sort it out. Then can reply that it's because you make him feel bad. Endless cycle.

To get mine off my chest. Yesterday, DH supposed to pick DD up from out of school club and pay the bill for it. At breakfast, before I'd even had my toast, asks if I've got the money out to pay for it. Er no, I told you to do it. Then 'where's the cheque book' looking hopelessly at the place where the cheque book always is. So I get the cheque book which has been put (ever so unreasonably!) on top of the pile rather than in the pile like a book. Claims then that he can't possibly have known where the cheque book can be because it's my desk. Having already gone to the exact place.

Argument, and he leaves in a huff because of my unreasonable reaction to his 'innocent' question.

Comes home, sort of apologises but says he doesn't like it when I talk down to him.

Hopeless.

[RB68]

you need to perfect the art of "the look"

My OH does this all the time when he is distracted by work overload (like I am not) and I just apply quizical eyebrow look and he has joked that he knows when he has asked a stupid question when he gets that look.

I also do a I don't know I just collect, wash, dry, fold and return to found location with regard to socks and pants - as this is the floor he gets the meessage

[ishallconquerthat]

I just want to add my personal experience. Most of the time now I pretend I didn't hear the stupid question. After a few seconds of silence he finds a way to do whatever it is. I'm not sure if DH now asks fewer questions or if I don't get annoyed anymore. Either way, it works :)

[KaosReigns]

I drive DP nuts with this, not the stupid questions but the asking if he knows where something is before I start searching. Why waste 15 minutes hunting if he already knows where it is?

It actually drives me nuts when he starts storming around the house searching for something getting steadily more and more frustrated until I ask what hes looking for and go "oh thats in the lounge, left bookcase, second shelf down" if he had asked before he started looking he would never have had to look in the first place IYKWIM.

[WellDoYaPunk]

A dad does not 'help out' with his child, it's called being a parent

[LadyReuleaux]

Agree it's nothing to do with the way men think, because I haven't met many men who do this at work. It's indicating that it's really your job, acting helpless so that they don't have to take responsibility, and making sure that if they do do something, you still get roped in.

It may not be consciously deliberate but it is about casting you (usually the woman) as the responsible adult and them as the poor ickle clueless child. I hate it. One of several reasons I'm leaving STBX.

OMG Voluptua the fucking looking in the fridge aaaaaaggghhh! Stands in front of fridge. Stares in blankly. Goes "Where's the XX, I can't see it?" NO YOU CAN'T BECAUSE THE FRIDGE IS NOT FUCKING TWO-DIMENSIONAL. (Again, not what I actually said, but screamed in my head. I would actually say between gritted teeth "You may have to actually move some stuff in order to look behind it". Thousands of times over. )

[Var123]

Its as though he can't think for himself, or chooses not to as its easier to get you to do it for him.

In his defence, is there any possibility that you are very detail orientated and get frustrated when he does something that you would have done differently i.e. your solution is better but when it doesn't occur to him to do it that way you get annoyed?

[BathshebaDarkstone]

DH does something worse. Last summer, he offered to take the DC to the park. DS was potty training, but only in Pull Ups at night. He asked me to put Pull Ups on him. I said, "no, because he'll think it's OK to piss in them." He then said he'd bring him home if he wet himself. I said, "don't be ridiculous" and put pants and trousers in a bag. When he's watched the DC before, I've either had to leave a meal ready or he's given them beans on toast for their main meal, despite the fact that he cooks proper meals for both if us every night.

[Mamia15]

"They're only men, in their defence."

How sexist Poor little lambs, I'm sure they don't display similar behaviour at work

My DH does his share of the parenting and never asks these silly little questions. That would drive me crazy.

My DC (of both genders) on the other hand do ask these kind of questions and I know its because of laziness. We're not falling for it though and they are now starting to think for themselves.

[Mamia15]

To to all those moaning about their partners - FFS please stop enabling this behaviour! Don't forget that your DC are modelling their behaviour and future relationships on what they see at home...

[voluptuagoodshag]

LAdyStark, I think I've just had an epiphany. You're right, it isn't their brains, it's what's engrained on their brains. In my DH's case having everything done by his mother. Perhaps living with another adult female, they just default back to their childhood. That said, I have caught my daughter telling my son to look for something like a woman too!! Have also noticed that she gives more thought into putting something away - e.g. we have a large oval casserole dish that sits perfectly in the drawer but only if you put it in a certain way - she thinks about this and does it right. Son and husband just think dish goes in drawer and then clank around for a while before a flukey chance means it finally fits. I make sure they both do equal chores.

Even in traditionally manly tasks though I often see males blinking confusedly coz they don't know where to begin and DH has been known to ask me to get a hammer lying about six feet from him because he can't be arsed getting it himself. My SIL experienced this with my brother and she asked him what he was going to do with his time whilst she stopped what she was doing to get the tool that he needed right at that moment.

It is so annoying. But repeating 'I don't know' seems the most effective way.

[MargaretCavendish]

"My OH is super kind and wonderful but he's still a man and he still relies on me to run everything, so if he ever has to "manage" something like dinner rather than have me oversee it he is so hopeless. It's hard not to become impatient with having to explain simple things. But sometimes I have to recognise I'm being quite short with him. They're only men, in their defence."

I quite agree. These is why I just don't believe men belong in the workplace - their little minds aren't up to it, poor things.

[CazY777]

YY, I get irritation questions all the time. The other day he was standing in the kitchen asking me if we needed milk for DD, instead of just looking in the fridge, because I should know because I'm the one that uses it, when he also does her bottle! I'm supposed to have an up to date inventory of every food item in my head!

And I get asked 'Why' to the most inappropriate things. I say 'I've got a sore throat', he'll say 'Why?' - how the fuck should I know! Wish he would learn to just say something sympathetic, that's all I want.

[HatHardOn]

Write down all of the questions, don't let him know you're doing it and at the end of the week show him.

It made for a lighthearted and comical way to show my DH how fecking annoying he can be. Looking back at questions like 'how many peas should I cook?' is much less infuriating than hearing them after a long day of more questions and trying to explain there and then how ridiculous it is.

[banivani]

There is a Swedish book called "The family's project manager resigns". It came out in 2008 and caused a stir and led to a lot of discussion about gender roles here, in a country where we like to imagine that men and women are very equal. It's written as a sort of diary over her own life, and the idea is that why on earth has she, because she is the wife/mother, fallen into the position of project manager for everyone and everything in this family? She has to remember to get the kids kitted out for winter/sports, buy the birthday presents, remember the Christmas cards etc. I've read it and it's veeeery thought-provoking. By international standards this woman most certainly had an "equal" marriage, but she was not happy because she never fecking asked to be the boss of the whole show.

It's a pity it's not been translated to English, I think a lot of you would like to read it. It's angry but lighthearted! Her husband hated that she wrote it but pushed her to keep doing it and get it published, apparently. There's this great scene where they have to be out of the house by a certain time and she's packing picnic baskets and sorting out clothes for everyone and trying to dry her hair and he's wandering around in his pyjamas admonishing everyone to hurry up. Hilarious and infuriating! And this is definitely a structural problem to do with gender roles, and the person who ends up at home the most (which easily happens to women when they have children) will be given all the responsability for, well, everything.

I read a few old interviews with the author. She addresses this thing that you're made to feel ridiculous for thinking clean sheets are important or that it matters if the kids' hair gets brushed. And all these excuses: that women are automatically better at these things/at keeping a lot of things in their heads/at remembering in general - from, as she puts it, men who can remember who did a penalty kick in a football match 15 years ago. There is nothing wrong with their memories.

[hangingoutattheendofmywick]

my husband will open the fridge and say "do we not have any butter?"

Oh yes dear we do but I am keeping it in the dishwasher.

The annoyance here is that this is his passive aggressive way of telling me he is annoyed that there is no butter and I am obviously the only person allowed to purchase butter in the house EVEN THOUGH I DONT EAT IT.

Marriage is hard.

[Elledouble]

Yep, I've got one of these too. Last night he was getting our little boy ready for bed and he came to me and said "what sort of pyjamas shall I put him in?". I said "the same sort as usual". He said "I can't find any". So basically he was wanting me to magic some out of nowhere because they weren't in the drawer.

Eventually he checked the tumble drier (that he'd put on earlier and presumably knew what was inside!) and voila, all the pyjamas!

[PimmsIsMyDrinkOfChoice]

DH: Where's the Thing?
Me : It's in the Thing cupboard
DH: It's not here

Me.... moves larger Thing to reveal THE Thing

DH: Why did you hide the Thing?

[MargaretCavendish]

I find some of the dynamics described here so, so mystifying. The husband endlessly asking questions, the wife both irritated and seemingly amused (and a bit smug?) at his incompetence. I don't think anyone should be asking the same question repeatedly, but I also think that if someone asks a question that you know the answer to and they don't it's not particularly helpful to refuse to reply. Some of these responses seem almost designed to keep the man in a state of ignorance - it's almost like everyone's colluding in this project of feigned helplessness.

I think many, many men deliberately display incompetence to get out of tasks. I also think quite a lot of women take pleasure in being the one who knows how to do it all and in having sole control of the 'right' way to do it. I don't know whether maybe I don't understand it because I'm not naturally domestic and so these questions don't seem so silly to me. For instance: 'how many peas should I cook?' - 80g per person, and I always weigh it out because I find it hard to eyeball. That's a thing I had to consciously learn, I wasn't born knowing it.

I think the model of work is a good one on both sides. It wouldn't be acceptable to need constant guidance through tiny tasks at work, and to ask the same question over and over again. On the other hand, some of my colleagues sometimes ask me questions that I think are pretty daft and I answer them politely, I don't snap at them - but I do make it clear (where relevant) that they should consult something other than me ('there are instructions on the intranet').

[Dozer]

He aspires to be your "team member"? Jeez. Does he have a mother who pandered to him?!

Suggest for father's day you get him a copy of Wifework.

Teachers use certain kinds of Q responses to help DC become more independent, eg in a breezy done "where do YOU think it could be"? "Perhaps you could look for it?"

[AristotleTheGreat]

Yep absolutely fine to ask how many peas to cook if you have never cooked peas before or are used to cook for two and there are 6 or 8 people there for dinner. I would ask DH his pov (and the other way around).

But asking if yoour DC has some clothes??? And where can you find them or the nappies? Surely a week after the birth, he should know that??

It's the stupidity of the questions that are an issue. Or rather the questions highlight another issue. That of often men don't see housework (so where to find X cleaning product) or childrearing (should I Feed the children? When their DW is away for the day) the role of women and NOT theirs.
Because they aren't taking responsibility for it, you can tell them where X lives, they will forget. Not their problem. It's also OK for them to ask again and again because they are only helping therefore can not possibly know how to do X.
That's the thing that makes me furious.

However, I have also learnt that being angry just makes things worse. Treating them as an adult and giving the responsibility back to them, as you would at work, works better. No way out unless they are a twat

[grannycake]

Apparently I have a "teacher voice" My DH says don't speak to me like I'm one of your students - my immediate reaction is "don't act like one then" - I don't always say it though (as there may be a grain of truth in what he says)

[ToriaPumpkin]

RB68 We have some friends who we see lots of as they live locally and we all dojo the same activities. Last weekend we all went away together. DH received a text from the husband of the other couple asking a question, he ended it with "I'd ask Toria but I think it might be a stupid question and she'd probably just stare at me."

[Dozer]